Childfree Weddings: Am I being a jerk?

lydiarose2001 · July 2013

Lala: No, I very much want to participate. My family is sort of pathologically nonconfrontational, and my sister is hypersensitive. When I mentioned that I was bothered by the situation she immediately got defensive and changed the subject. I am 5 years older and have been accustomed to walking on eggshells around her and my mom, who is the same way, since childhood. But that's a subject for a whole 'mother post, unfortunately.

lydiarose2001 · July 2013

LalaMama81:
lydiarose2001:
Lala: No, I very much want to participate. My family is sort of pathologically nonconfrontational, and my sister is hypersensitive. When I mentioned that I was bothered by the situation she immediately got defensive and changed the subject. I am 5 years older and have been accustomed to walking on eggshells around her and my mom, who is the same way, since childhood. But that's a subject for a whole 'mother post, unfortunately.
Sounds like the wedding is the least of your issues, then.  

True that!

kristennd · July 2013

LalaMama81:
This thread is ridiculous. I can't believe how many people are claiming they'd skip part of their own sister's wedding day because they didn't want to leave their toddler with their BFF.

Some of us think wedding are very overrated. Important, sure. But not the most crucial day of your life and certainly not something where the entire world needs to revolve around you.

She's not marrying her sister.

cecilyandgautam · July 2013

I'm also from a family where kids are just part of life - there isn't really a "family friendly" and "adults only" divide to family activities, so I've never been invited to a "no kids" wedding. If I were in your situation, I would have one of my favorite childhood sitters watch my kid if she's available. If not, I'd probably just show up at the first pub or two and then go home. If DH wants to drink, we can swap out at the second venue.

rubber_chicken · July 2013

This thread is cracking me up. Back when I was planning our wedding, every other thread on TheKnot was a bride b*tching about people bringing kids to her childfree wedding. Fast forward a few years, and now everyone's b*tching about other peoples childfree weddings.

I am firmly in the adults-only wedding camp. Weddings are for getting drunk and singing along to Don't Stop Believin' with your elderly uncles and college friends. They are not children's parties.

Jenny952 · July 2013

I am in a similar situation. My bro is getting married in my hometown this fall. We are bringing dd to the wedding but need to find a sitter for the reception. Not bc its child free but bc it will go late. Like you, all of my family and close family friends will be there. We are having my sisters friend come to the hotel and sit with dd after we put her to bed. It will mean skipping out for an hour but thats the best solution.

In your situation i would use the cousins friend to watch lo during the cerenony and receprion. Then you can spend time with your ds in the afternoon, put him to bed and have your bff stay at the hotel while you and dh do the pub crawl. You can come back early or send dh back if you need, but then youre not missing your sisters party or leaving ds overnight. I wouldnt leave my lo overnight either. Good luck.

sunnyday016 · July 2013

ebp913:
LalaMama81:
ebp913:
mexicolombiana:
(we just have cool friends who respect that children are people too).
So because someone doesn't want your kid at a wedding, they don't respect that your children are people?
Dramatic much?

This thread is ridiculous. I can't believe how many people are claiming they'd skip part of their own sister's wedding day because they didn't want to leave their toddler with their BFF.
SERIOUSLY. My mind is blown.

Right there with you guys.

Eleni&Josh · July 2013

What kind of person wouldn't allow her own sister to bring her child? All of the "child free" weddings that I have been to have had children of immediate family be the exception to the rule. No one should be expected to leave their child with a stranger if they aren't comfortable with it. I know that I wouldn't. Even if it's someone that a friend knows, if the child hasn't met this person, they are still a stranger. If the pub crawl is so important, than your husband should sit it out to be with the baby so that your child isn't being put to bed by a stranger, and if anyone has a problem with this, then they are being completely selfish. All I can say, is that my sister would never put me in this situation.

aeh72 · July 2013

Jumping in here way late (hate it when work gets in the way of my Bumping!) - but is there any way your BFF can come into town and stay at the hotel with your baby instead of you leaving the baby out in the suburbs with her? Would that make you more comfortable, knowing you are closer to where you son is if needed and you will be able to ultimately spend the night with him? Maybe you can get her a hotel room where you are staying?

On the kids at wedding topic - I'm staying out of this mess! We had kids at our wedding but I never blink an eye when I get an invite that is for a child-free event. To each their own!

SunAndRain · August 2013

skip the pub crawl. you are under no obligation

capulet · August 2013

I agree with those who said to skip the pub crawl if you don't feel right about leaving your DS with your BFF for that long, for whatever reason. Just because it's your sister and it's her special day !!!!1! doesn't mean you are obligated to go to a pub crawl on top of the wedding and reception (which I agree you and your DH should attend if at all possible). That seems excessive to me, especially when she changed the plan for the day and what child care would be available, knowing full well it would make things more difficult for you.

skibunny59 · August 2013

Honestly, I believe that children really don't belong at a wedding unless they are in the wedding (flower girl, ring bearer, etc.) Does it suck when nieces and nephews aren't invited? Yes. But it is their wedding and their day so they have every right to say that they don't want kids there.

DH's sister got married last September. We were traveling from out of town and DD was only 6 months old. DD wasn't invited. Since we were traveling from out of town DH's family was nice enough to make babysitting arrangements for us. DH's other sister who also has 2 young boys was able to get her mother in law and sister in law to watch all three kids (DH's sister's kids (not the sister getting married) and DD).

We were able to bring DD to the rehearsal dinner with us the night before.

Honestly, I had a fantastic time at the wedding without DD there. I love DD but sometimes it's kind of nice to be forced to have an adult only night. If DD was invited we would have brought her and it would have been ok but we wouldn't have had as good a time. She did fine with the babysitters. Since it was DH's family, I left the wedding a little early and let DH stay and enjoy.

In your case, I would leave your LO with the cousin's friend for the morning provided it is someone your cousin can trust. For the nighttime pub crawl, I don't see why you would have to leave your LO overnight. I would just go to the pub crawl for a little while and have either you or DH leave early.

skibunny59 · August 2013

kristennd said:

Since there is a reception in addition to the pub crawl, I'm not seeing any obligation to also attend the pub crawl, let alone stay for the whole thing. That's not skipping the wedding at all. And I can't believe all the older relatives are doing it.
'Her day' means the bride gets to do what she wants but not that every single other person has to 100% follow along. Besides, by halfway through the pub crawl, she'll never even notice whether you're there.
It's absolutely their right to have a child-free wedding and there are many good reasons for that, but the trade-off is that their guests who do have children are equally within their rights to skip the things they cannot accommodate.

Also this. Is everyone going to the pub crawl? Even the older relatives? She really can't be upset with you for leaving the pub crawl early.

capulet · August 2013

skibunny59 said:

Honestly, I believe that children really don't belong at a wedding unless they are in the wedding (flower girl, ring bearer, etc.) Does it suck when nieces and nephews aren't invited? Yes. But it is their wedding and their day so they have every right to say that they don't want kids there.

DH's sister got married last September. We were traveling from out of town and DD was only 6 months old. DD wasn't invited. Since we were traveling from out of town DH's family was nice enough to make babysitting arrangements for us. DH's other sister who also has 2 young boys was able to get her mother in law and sister in law to watch all three kids (DH's sister's kids (not the sister getting married) and DD).

We were able to bring DD to the rehearsal dinner with us the night before.

Honestly, I had a fantastic time at the wedding without DD there. I love DD but sometimes it's kind of nice to be forced to have an adult only night. If DD was invited we would have brought her and it would have been ok but we wouldn't have had as good a time. She did fine with the babysitters. Since it was DH's family, I left the wedding a little early and let DH stay and enjoy.

In your case, I would leave your LO with the cousin's friend for the morning provided it is someone your cousin can trust. For the nighttime pub crawl, I don't see why you would have to leave your LO overnight. I would just go to the pub crawl for a little while and have either you or DH leave early.

Not to beat a dead horse which is not directly relevant to the OP's dilemma anyway, but blanket statements like "Children don't belong at weddings" reflect a narrow range of experience. There are formal, $100-a-plate weddings and evening receptions and there are buffet-style, church fellowship hall receptions. I have personally been to a lot more of the latter (and that was what ours was), and therefore having children at weddings seems perfectly mainstream to me, but I at least realize that there are other people in other social circles whose wedding style is very different from ours. I married the oldest of eight kids. I suppose someday one of DH's siblings might marry someone who doesn't want kids at their wedding, but those type of people probably wouldn't marry into our family in the first place. I feel that weddings are multigenerational family events and that you don't exclude one generation from celebrating a union that is not just about the two of you but about joining one another's families as well. I realize not everyone shares that perspective, but I say that to point out that not everyone thinks weddings are about the same thing, or that those of us who think children do belong at weddings just think so because we're too lazy to find babysitters or don't enjoy a night out.

PetuniaFeatherbottom · August 2013

I had a kid free wedding and it was awesome. Luckily there were no out of towers bringing little ones. Yeah it's your sisters day, but she knows you have a kid. Ask her what her plans were for junior. If she doesn't have an answer, maybe get some suggestions from your mom. Maybe your hubs can watch him for a while? Idk, that's crazy.

peaceinnature · August 2013

It's interesting to see how polarizing this issue is. I personally come from a family of kid-friendly weddings and would never think of excluding kids. I have been to one childfree wedding and honestly I didn't feel like it was any more fun or less annoying than one with kids. It's just my view that children are part of the family so it would be weird to deliberately ban them from a family event because they might bug someone. I suppose some people must view their weddings as some kind of high class important social event, like a state dinner or the opera or something and not a family gathering, which is their prerogative but totally against my own view. Now if the parents want to get a sitter so they can enjoy the wedding without supervising their kid or they know they have a child that will be super disruptive, that's understandable. But I would be uncomfortable telling people what to do with their kids.

ANYWAY, in OP's situation I would probably leave DS with the sitter (BFF, or whoever) during the ceremony and reception and then have DH stay at the hotel with the baby during the pubcrawl. But I would most definitely be leaving early with appologies to the bride. She'll have to understand that parents have certain restrictions and not expect you to do something you're uncomfortable with just because she wants to have a 15 hour childfree event.

KatFCo · August 2013

I've never been a fan of the idea that, just because someone is getting married, that means they have the right to make slaves of the rest of their friends and family, forcing them to take part in the festivities until they are formally released from their duties. He'll be fine at a babysitter for the wedding and reception, but if you're not comfortable leaving him all day and night, don't go to the pub crawl.

It would be really disrespectful of your family to complain that you chose your child over drinking. I, for one, would never leave my son for over 12 hours with someone he didn't know, especially if I didn't know them well. No, you're not being a jerk if you back out of the pub crawl. If your sister whines that you left to take care of your son, she's the one who's being the jerk.

BreeNicoleE · August 2013

I've been on both ends of this conversation.

I got married and already had a son and an niece and nephew...For my wedding I simply stated adult only reception and the at the wedding the only children present were those in the wedding - my son the ring boy, my 2 nieces were the flower girls. All other children (even my sisters son) were not in attendance and that was the way it was. And that was my choice as the bride, and I do believe it is the brides preference on how they want their day to run. Doesn't make them a bad person whether they allow kids or not.

I however as the bride loved having my sisters there and had no problem with the fact that my sister didn't stay the entire night because she went to pick up her son (whom at least in her case was with his dad as they were no longer together) - I wanted an adult reception so as a mother I understood if someone had to leave early -now granted our wedding was an evening event and did not last all day. I was so appreciative that she was able to accommodate me on my day, but she told me ahead of time she wouldn't be staying all night and that was fine with me... Sucks that you will have to 'hear about it' when your family should understand with a little one.

But I also did not have any out of town guests further than a few hours away (and those were older family members with grown children) and the venue was somewhat local to us. And I think I would have planned a lot differently if we had a lot of out of town guests.

My sister just got married in June and I have a 5yo, 21mo and 2 month old (at the time, she is now almost 4 months) and she didn't have children at her wedding either, and i was able to get my grandmother for the time (as all our family who normally watch them were at the wedding) and my sister and everyone had a similar plan to go out to some bars in the area after their wedding and I simply told her ahead of time that my husband and I would not be there for that as much as we would have loved to. And she understood. Maybe talking to her ahead of time will help

allardr · August 2013

Not to beat a dead horse which is not directly relevant to the OP's dilemma anyway, but blanket statements like "Children don't belong at weddings" reflect a narrow range of experience. There are formal, $100-a-plate weddings and evening receptions and there are buffet-style, church fellowship hall receptions. I have personally been to a lot more of the latter (and that was what ours was), and therefore having children at weddings seems perfectly mainstream to me, but I at least realize that there are other people in other social circles whose wedding style is very different from ours. I married the oldest of eight kids. I suppose someday one of DH's siblings might marry someone who doesn't want kids at their wedding, but those type of people probably wouldn't marry into our family in the first place. I feel that weddings are multigenerational family events and that you don't exclude one generation from celebrating a union that is not just about the two of you but about joining one another's families as well. I realize not everyone shares that perspective, but I say that to point out that not everyone thinks weddings are about the same thing, or that those of us who think children do belong at weddings just think so because we're too lazy to find babysitters or don't enjoy a night out.

I agree, many different style weddings. We are so not "formal/fancy" people. We had a nice afternoon wedding and reception that I wanted any kids at that wanted to celebrate with us. I don't see weddings as drunk fests to enjoy without kids, I see it as family celebrating, all generations included.

wychets · August 2013

Would I be annoyed? Yes. But they have the right to make their own rules for their wedding. However, I have been to "No kids" weddings and children that are family are always invited.

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