parenting styles

PipSqueak0313 · August 2013

Background. I am 43 and dh is 58. I have 3 kids dd is 21 and ds1 is almost 17. They are from my first marriage and they were around 19 and 14 when dh and I married. Dh didnt have any children when we married so he based his step parenting from his relationship with his father. He had a great father from stories I have heard from him and his sisters, so that model has worked well for him parenting teens and young adults. Now we have a 5 month old and obviously parenting a young child is different. For the past 5 months dh has followed my lead with regards to ds2 care. I am picking up hints that dh and I need to start discussing parenting styles and differences between the styles since he hears things from the ped,his dr, co workers, etc and then gets confused as to which is right. I never formally studied parenting styles, but I did follow a more ap style with my older two when they were young and I am following it again with ds2.

Does anyone know where I would look to find info on the different styles that would give a brief description of each so that I can dicuss with dh how the different styles handle the same situation? I am hoping that would lead to discussions regarding which style he would prefer to follow before parenting conflicts become an issue.

Thanks.

Emerald27 · August 2013

There is a lot of information out there, but I'm really only familiar with books on gentle parenting practices, because that's what I find to be most natural and beneficial for DS.

Are you looking more for books related to discipline, sleep, breastfeeding? There are a wide range of topics that different books focus on.

One book that comes to mind for your DH is the following. I know he's a dad to teens already, so I hope he wouldn't be turned off by the title. This is a GREAT book that might help him shape his parenting philosophy for DS2 in the younger years and beyond:

https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0912500964/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1376930170&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX110_SY190

Here is another book that he might like. It is also a proponent of gentle, attached parenting:

https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0743487486/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1376930482&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX110_SY190

Good luck! I am sure the other ladies on this board will have lots of recommendations.

Pookers7 · August 2013

I love Unconditional Parenting! Amazing book. Also, Playful Parenting.

PipSqueak0313 · August 2013

Wow, I'm reading the Unconditional Parenting book -- I have to say that I love how it challenges the reader to think beyond today and the behavior in question. Now I understand some of my objections to things I've seen/heard/done in the past.

I'm not sure I quite agree 100% with the author on the natural consequences portion of the beginning. How can you teach the child to make decisions without allowing the child to experience the natural result of the decision? Example, we moved from southern Arizona to Nebraska. My dd decided that what she wore in Arizona in the winter was appropriate to wear in Nebraska's winter, therefore she was not going to wear a coat or shoes (she insisted on flip flops). How is allowing her to experience the natural consequence of being cold as a result of that decision withholding love? FWIW, she did start wearing a coat and shoes until it was warm enough to consistently go without either.

Pookers7 · August 2013

That part is written more in response to a different book, Children:The Challenge. The idea is not to let natural consequences be vindictive. My mother practiced natural consequences and I no longer speak to her. I'd say there's two kinds of natural consequences: teaching and punishing.

Teaching has a purpose. So, she chooses to go without warm clothes and gets cold - you give her a jacket. Everyone is happy and a lesson is learned. She chose no jacket, realized it was bad and chose correctly.

Punishing is more of a "told you so!" she chooses to go out without the right clothes but it's very cold and is left to freeze and be uncomfortable all day. This would be followed up with a taunt: "I told you to bring a jacket but you said no. Maybe next time you'll remember." A lesson is learned but it's a bad one (I learned it as a kid): "If you defy me, I will let you suffer. I'm older and smarter than you, so do what I say or I won't help."

Pookers7 · August 2013

Lol. Real life example just now. DD decided to play instead of eating her lunch (chicken alfredo). So now she can't eat it (it's been out too long). Punishing natural consequence would be to make her starve until dinner. Instead, she can't have the pasta but I gave her a snack. Lesson learned but no punishment.

PipSqueak0313 · August 2013

Thanks. That did help clear my confusion.

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