Lurker here..with a question and a bit of a vent. Sorry if its too long

NoeK · August 2013

Hello all,

I usually don't post much and I have never posted here, mostly because I am not sure that what I am doing is actually AP or not.
I love this board because it makes me feel that at least I'm on the right track when it comes to parenting.lol
I have three children 11, 7 and 5 months. My two older children are home-schooled, I have reduced my work hours and hubby works from home so we spend alot of time as a family. Which is what we have always wanted (more on that later). The baby gets breast milk only either directly from me of from a bottle when DH feeds him. He also shares a bed with us (not in the middle of DH and I, but between me and the wall, with DH to my right), he a chunky little one,27 inches and almost 22 lbs! so I'm not worried about rolling on him or anything. So this is my question, How do you deal with the negativity???. I have recently been getting some backlash lately about my parenting, everything from me hindering my children socially to it being dangerous to bedshare. For the record my kids have alot of friends and we are always attending social events with them. I also joined a h/s group so they can meet other h/s children. And as far as the bed sharing, i know that co sleeping is better but LO sleeps better with us. I am getting the whole well they won't get out of you bed until they are 5 crap. And when I explained that both my older children voluntarily left at about 3 they say that's too long. One lady goes "Well you don't want him relying on you for comfort". My reply was I am his mother why shouldn't a BABY rely on his mother for comfort??. I guess I am just getting weary. I do not voluntarily bring up that lo sleeps with us or even that my kids are h/s. But I don't lie if they ask if he sleeps in his crib or if my kids are looking forward to starting school in the fall.

Mrs.AmyDylan · August 2013

I'm laughing because I was homeschooled and I'm a perfectly normal, social person. In fact, when it does come up, most people are shocked to learn that I only went to kindergarten and college. One way to avoid talking about h/s is to name your school and give the name when people ask and you don't feel like getting into a h/s discussion.

As for bed sharing. We do it also. DD does start in a bassinet (soon a crib) in our room and joins us at her first MOTN wake up. I would only advise looking into bed rails instead of using the wall. Baby can possibly become wedged if the bed scoots. As for the negative comments, I usually smile and say that we all get plenty of sleep. I also hang with a moms group once a week at my birthing center. We are all pretty crunchy and AP, so I'm open with my parenting there, but not as much elsewhere. Good luck, best advice is to smile and say that__is working for you right now. Find some like-minded mamas? Hugs!

NoeK · August 2013

Thank you for your supportive comment, I really needed it. I was home-schooled as well (and like you, have NO problems socially) and I remember answering a call years ago and the person asked why I was home and when I said I was home schooled (I was like 7 so I didn't know when to shut up.lol) they said that it was illegal for me to be home schooled and they would have my parents arrested.
I guess I was hoping that times had changed and people were more open minded

SmileyJay · August 2013

I think these comments typically are a sign that this person wants to validate that they did the right thing. This is the same person who will tell you your kid is spoiled if you don't smack them every time they act out, or that formula is healthier than breast milk, or that huggies are better for the environment because cloth diapers use water, etc.

Once I mentioned to my SIL that we are waiting to have children until we can afford to be home more with them because it is difficult to work full time and breastfeed. Honestly, breastfeeding is just the norm in the family I grew up in and it never crossed my mind to seriously consider formula feeding unless for some reason I can't produce milk. Her said very defensively "well my daughter never had breast milk and she never was really sick". Mind you, I didn't mention how breast milk is better or anything, just that we expected to breastfeed and need more flexible work schedules to accommodate it easily. My response was just "yeah, we plan to breastfeed though." I don't care that she didn't BF and I don't know why she cares that we plan to... it's just an example that comes to mind.

People get needlessly defensive about subjects where they fear they may have made a mistake, or to justify the decision they made. Don't let it bother you, it's a natural inclination that we all have just most of us are better at keeping our traps shut

Just make the best decisions you can for your family and the rest will work itself out!

Also, I've never actually met an awkward person who was home schooled. I'm sure it happens at the same rate of awkward people in general. People who have inclinations to be socially awkward will probably be that way either way...

bullybutt · August 2013

I have no advice on the homeschool, but as far as the bedsharing. It's just ignorance on other people's part. There is ample evidence that besharing is beneficial to babies/toddlers. I would not be able to bite my tongue on a smart mouth remark to people who say that they shouldn't rely on you for comfort. My SO's mother had him CIO at 5 weeks old...5 WEEKS!!! That explains so much on why he is the way he is...shut off emotionally and just a mean a-hole! It blows my mind the things that people put their children through to fit their own agenda. Anyway, off the soapbox. You are doing absolutely what is best for you and your children and they are THRIVING..it's no one else's business and if they don't like it or agree with it, they can get bent!

Emerald27 · August 2013

I get a lot of criticism from well meaning folks too, especially my mom. It is so difficult to stay strong when you don't have a positive support network, even when you know that what you are doing is both right and what is best for your family! I bet your children are happy, secure, and strong little people. They will be the proof that you've given them the best. Good job, mama!

I have 2 suggestions for you:

1. Find a positive support network. Attend a La Leche League or local API group meeting. There, you'll find other bedsharing, breastfeeding moms who are also looking for good information and support. Even meeting/seeing just a few other moms once who believe in parenting as you do can be so encouraging. I've been attending LLL meetings, and I feel so confident in my decisions and empowered. Can't recommend good support enough!

2. Prepare a conditioned response to criticism. This means that you'll know what to say when someone offers unsolicited advice or makes rude/negative/wrong! comments regarding your parenting. It will also (hopefully) shut down further comments and let the person know that this conversation is pointless and over.

To unsolicited advice, I say something like; "We've found that what we are doing works best for our family and for our baby. Thanks, though."

To negative comments, I say; "We truly believe that what we are doing is best for our family/baby, and we have made a conscious decision to parent that way. I'm sorry you feel differently, but this is what we are going to do. We would appreciate your positive support."

If the person continues with the negativity. I leave (or if they're visiting, I thank them for their visit and express hope that they might join us another time).

Emerald27 · August 2013

FWIW, I intend to homeschool because I was a teacher before DS was born, and I think I can do a much better job of educating him than the schools here. I can also tailor the curriculum a bit to feed his interests, move at his natural pace, and he can learn in the way that is most natural to him.

He will be involved in extra curricular activities and will be a happy, well-socialized little kid. If homeschooling is for you, I'm all for it!

Also, there is something to be said for the normal social interaction between children, their parents, siblings, and friends of all ages. It's been argued that placing children in a large group of the same age is not the best for socializing them: that it creates competition and a loss of autonomy. Not sure if that's true or not, but I suppose that you can look at the positives of modeling appropriate family and social life to children in other ways than in a large class at a school.

NoeK · August 2013

Thanks all! I really appreciate the advice. I agree that alot of negativity may come from people just feeling like they need to validate their own choices (even though I never questioned their choices). My children are thriving and I am so proud to be their mom. I would never do anything to hinder them in any way so the little snide comments sometimes get to me. I will take the advice to have a constructed response though.I really like that and I think it will save me from future headaches.
I have also experienced the whole " You must think you are hot sh-- because you BF" nonsense too. I have never understood why someone else cares about what I do with my boobs. I once had a woman say "they lie and say BF is best because they want to make women feel bad"....*

..umm what? (I'm not gonna lie, in my mind I got all judge-y and thought "Just because the truth makes you feel bad doesn't make it not true"). But I didnt say anything, just smiled and went on my way.
Oh and to bullybutt:"they can get bent" just got added to my snark repertoire because I love it and it gives me chills when I say it LOL

Emerald27 · August 2013

NoeK said:
Thanks all! I really appreciate the advice. I agree that alot of negativity may come from people just feeling like they need to validate their own choices (even though I never questioned their choices). I have experienced the whole " You must think you are hot sh-- because you BF" nonsense too. I have never understood why someone else cares about what I do with my boobs. I once had a woman say "they say BF is best because they want to make women feel bad"....*

Wow! Sounds like you've encountered a lot lot lot of negativity. I'm so sorry.

"I do think I'm hot (burp) because I breastfeed! It's truly amazing that a woman's body can grow, birth, nurture and feed a human being. I mean really truly astounding: I am in awe of myself. Breastfeeding makes me feel like superwoman." ...that probably would have been my response to that comment. Bad, Emerald! Bad, bad! Especially considering that such a comment may have been fueled by either sadness or regret at her own breastfeeding experience.

I'm way too quick to pick a fight. Lol

Trust in yourself that you know what is best for your baby! You're setting an excellent example to other moms too. I do hope you find some good support and that you persevere and are even more resolute in all of your parenting choices because of what you've encountered.

Emerald27 · August 2013

Apparently I have to censor myself because TB no longer does it automatically. Whoops, pardon me!

NoeK · August 2013

Its is amazing Emerald! Its a beautiful gift, that I will use as long as I have the ability to do so within reason (as in I'm not gonna BF a 6 year old. lol but I hope to continue until 2). Even DH (my two oldest are from a previous marriage and this is DH first biological child) was like wow! No matter what race, creed, economic or social status almost all woman are given the ability to produce and nourish their babies, I think that is so beautiful.

starshineamator · August 2013

I understand. Just about everyone has questioned/judged my parenting choices, from birthing at home to breastfeeding with no bottles or pacifiers to cloth diapering to bed sharing. God help me when they find out I plan to do baby led weaning, breastfeed til she self weans, keep her in our bed til she wants to sleep on her own, and homeschooling! For some reason, people think that by choosing something different than they did, you are judging them. Personally, I don't care one bit what kind of detergent you used on your baby's clothes or what kind of soap to wash them, so why do you care what I use? No, I'm sorry I don't use Dreft and Johnson & Johnson - it's not good for the cloth diapers or my baby's sensitive skin, and I won't do it just because its what you did or what everyone does or what's "normal". My choices are just that - mine. Stay strong and keep doing what you're doing mama!

musicalmama5 · August 2013

The majority of the world bedshares with their babies. You can point that out.

Also, this won't help you in what to tell people, but it just occurred to me that people in the US really have parenting backwards. Babies are expected to be independent (self-soothing, CIO, "don't pick him up or you'll spoil him", etc.), but then older children are hovered over and not allowed any independence... Shouldn't it be the other way around???

NoeK · August 2013

Ha! I never thought about it that way, but its true.

kristen714 · August 2013

I can totally sympathize. My DH and I are parenting our 15 month old pretty AP and both our families criticize us. We still BF and cosleep. I love that I can come and lurk on this board and know we aren't alone.

The most recent comment we got was today and it was, "you should really stop nursing because you are feeding DD too much. You are basically feeding her twice as much as other toddlers because the breastmilk is a meal." I almost lost it. My DH firmly told her that she gets all the nutrition she needs.

ReeceFamily · August 2013

All I have to add is that public school is not a cure all for social awkwardness!! I went to public schools and consider myself fairly socially awkward;)! I think I would have thrived at home or in a small private school. I hear about things like Unschooling and wish my parents had been a little more crunchy. So, go you! Sounds like you're doing a great job.

LittleNugget93 · October 2013

I'm a single parent so my view may be a little skewed. But I personally think it's great to bedshare with your little ones for as long as they want. I slept in my dad's bed on and off until I was 10 years old. Obviously I mostly slept in my own bed the last few years...but my brother, sister, and I loved the comfort and safety of sleeping in his bed. All three of us are now very confident adults. We feel as though a lot of this has to do with being so close to our parents. It just makes sense that it would be beneficial in the long run.

What is most important, though, is that you are doing what is right for your family. It sounds to me like you know what you are doing. I would just focus on the fact that you have had positive bed-sharing experiences before so there is no reason to think you will ruin your new little guy.

mrsnorthernbell · October 2013

NoeK said:
Thank you for your supportive comment, I really needed it. I was home-schooled as well (and like you, have NO problems socially) and I remember answering a call years ago and the person asked why I was home and when I said I was home schooled (I was like 7 so I didn't know when to shut up.lol) they said that it was illegal for me to be home schooled and they

would have my parents arrested.
I guess I was hoping that times had changed and people were more open minded

That is crazy. My cousins are home schooled. I guess I just figured it was normal. That is there choice. Like op said they are in other activities with home schooled children.

Http://northernbellemama.blogspot.com

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