Any other birth parents out there?

CarolinaGirl2014 · August 2013

I am 19 weeks pregnant and putting my baby up for adoption, I know this is a forum for adoptive parents, but I can't find one for birth parents ANYWHERE out there and could really use a support system. I just contacted the adoption agency today and have so many fears and concerns. I am 100% sure about adoption, but there aren't many agencies in the state and this one seemed really great to me. The counselor is too busy to take on another person so I'll be going through the director, who was nice but not the warm and fuzzy I guess I was hoping for. She answered a lot of my questions but seemed to get super sketched out when I asked about assistance with living expenses. I feel guilty enough as it is, and I don't want it to seem like I'm selling my baby. I quit my job to nanny for the baby's health because my work was crazy stressful and hours insane (I got to work at 7:30 a lot of mornings and got off at 10 some nights) so financially I am in big trouble and falling behind on basic bills. I have a roommate, have no excess bills like cable, and budget like a maniac. I simply would like help making ends meet until I can get a real job again. I am also stressed because my baby will be bi-racial and I know that most adoptive parents want a caucasian baby. It's important to me to find a GREAT home for my perfect baby and not settle because of his or her race. Her response was once again what seemed like shock at my statement and something about how there are some families out there who wouldn't mind.

Sorry to vent so much! I have no one to talk to and need to get things out. I also would like to know if I am in the minority or wrong for my questions. I of course had a million others before that but she seemed quit put off by those. Also, anyone know of an active forum for pregnant women giving up their child?

Thanks in advance!

C

Panderp · August 2013

I don't know of a specific forum, but I'm sorry you got the response you did. My husband and I are wishing and hoping for a biracial baby-- so please don't feel like yours is lesser. There are lots of great couples looking to love a baby just like yours. It sounds like that agency isn't the greatest fit for you, and I think it's really important that you find a place that makes you feel comfortable. The things you are asking for help with are not unreasonable, and quite often are very much a part of the process and expense for agencies and adoptive parents.

Have you thought of contacting a social worker at a nearby hospital? Perhaps they will have some information about agencies that have been used by women in the past there?

CarolinaGirl2014 · August 2013

I haven't thought about that before but I will certainly look into it now! Thanks so much for the words of encouragement! I feel like she didn't mean to come across that way, but I really should be going through a counselor, not a director. I was looking and parent profiles to considering going without an agency but that was discouraging because I want my baby placed with a Christian religion and OK with my baby's race, but I didn't see many profiles with those requirements. Besides that I only care about it being a loving, stable, family. Are there other sites to find adoptive parents?

maryoosa · August 2013

@CarolinaGirl2014 there are many many many people who would love for you to place your child with them.

Two support sites for expectant and birth mom's I know of are birthmombuds.com and firstmotherforum.com I am not a birth mother, so I don't know how useful these sites are, but they pop up in a google search.

This is also a link to the open adoption blogroll- specifically to parents who have placed a child for adoption: https://openadoptionbloggers.com/open-adoption-blogs/first-parent-birthparent-birthmom-birthmother-adoption-blogs/ some of the blogs are private or not active, but many of them are pretty great.

Depending on what state you are in, there are different allowances for living expenses for expectant families. Generally, those are allowed in the last trimester and for one month or so post-birth; however an agency can help you figure that all out.

There are other birth mothers on this forum -hopefully they will come say hello!

There is also an agency in California that works specifically in placing children of color- it might be helpful for you if you are concerned that you will struggle to find the perfect home for your biracial child. https://www.pactadopt.org/app/servlet/HomePage

Best of luck in all of your decisions.

Flamingo86 · August 2013

I'm sorry you are going through a difficult situation. It sounds like you've gotten some good advice and I hope you can get the help and support that you need. My husband and I are considering adoption and if we choose to proceed we are also happily open to a biracial baby. Don't lose hope.

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aligross · August 2013

Welcome! The ladies before me posted great info for you. I wanted to touch on the fact of a asking questions..... You need to feel comfortable when asking questions and always feel like you are getting a heartfelt genuine answers. Yes you should be working with a social worker who works on the counseling end. You are entitled to those services! I would highly suggest calling the agencies in your state to see what they can do. My husband and I chose our agency when wanting to adopt because of their true care and concern for expectant moms... They travel throughout the state to go to moms. They put your needs over their own! And to give you some calming idea on transracial adoption... Out of 7 families that attended a per adoptive class this past Monday, all 7 are open to adopting transracially! Hang in there! There are a few other moms around here and hopefully they can give you some support!

pattipants · August 2013

I just happened upon this post. I also am a birthmother -- my bio daughter is now 7.5 years old. I had the most wonderful adoption experience I could ever imagine; I talk with the parents all the time! (We have an open adoption, which I can't say enough wonderful things about -- for ALL of us!) I placed through my local Catholic Charities at the time and had a great experience. But I, too, was nervous, because I didn't find the right fit for a family until I was about 7.5 months pregnant! Everything will work out well for you too!

CarolinaGirl2014 · August 2013

Thank you everyone for the kind words- it has truly eased my mind. And thank you for the website suggestions- the ones I found had very few users or ended up being anti-adoption propaganda. Thank you for not getting mad at me for imposing on your forum- it's been encouraging to see a sort of behind the scene look at the type of families out there looking to adopt, not just the polished letters and albums in the websites. You all are amazing and I hope your babies find you very soon!

JoaPata · August 2013

Good Luck in your search for a great adoptive family. My husband and I are also open to adopting all races as are most in my class. :-) Please continue to post and let us know how you are doing. I would still look for other Agencies..possibly contact National Agencies like Bethany Christian or Catholic Charities. There are some great Christian Agencies out there that will help with living expenses. I also really like the idea of talking to hospital social workers because I bet they have a ton of contacts in the community. Know you are not imposing on the forum but are a part of it. Best of luck to you!!

IRR · August 2013

BTW, welcome to our board, this board is for all members of the triad, including Birthmom's, Adoptees and PAP's/AP's, so feel free to post at any time about anything adoption related. We do have several birthmom's on this board as well as members that represent all three "legs" of the triad.

Elreid · August 2013

I am a birth mom!

if you need any help at all please let me know! I have found it so much better to talk to people that have similar experiences and to hear other people's stories.

I know that this will be and is one of the best, hardest, most amazing things that you will ever experience. Good luck and let me know what I can do to help!

kfourcat · August 2013

My husband and I adopted a biracial baby, she is the love of our life!

MayDayGirl · August 2013

I would like to say that not most people want a Caucasian baby, SOME do, but the people who are suppose to adopt your baby, won't care

meganroselee · September 2013

Check out cafe mom's birthmom group. Lots of BMs there but I do have to say many are anti adoption. But they have been where you are. For what it's worth, you already are a great mom. Your desire to find the perfect agency/parents is spot on. The neat thing is that there is an ideal match btwn BM and APs for everyone. I am 1/2 of a biracial couple and felt so excited to be chosen by my son's BM. Someone out there will feel just as excited and blessed to parent your child. Financial support is also reasonable. Pls chrck out gladney center for adoption. The have a dorm which could eliminate the stressors of work for you completely. Good luck!

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