To doula or not to doula?

sendmeis68 · August 2013

I'm a FTM planning a HB in January. I've been looking into hiring a doula in addition to my midwife bc of some advice I'd been given by another HB mom. However, my mom and some friends are telling me that I shouldn't need one of I have a good family support system, which I do. I'm just nervous bc it is my first time and I don't know how long I'll be in labor and how long my family will be at 100%.
So, does anyone have any advice? Did you use a doula and/or do you think it makes a big enough difference to justify the cost?

babyLOLO13 · August 2013

FTM here and I'm using a doula. I put it in perspective in a few ways.

FTM are notorious for having very long labors, and at some point 20-30 hours in your DH or support system will need a break, take a nap, or eat. That's when the doula can step in and be there and supplement your support.

Secondly, doctors in residency are able to leave the hospital room if they start feeling quesy or overwhelmed with the birthing process... YET our DH who most likely have never been around a birth, especially a natural birth, are supposed to be a rock and show no hesitancy? The doula can step in again and give DH a breather, gather himself, and let him know that these feelings and sounds are all normal.

Finally, my doula is giving my DH lessons starting 36 weeks on counter pressure points and massage techniques so while I'm in labor he feels ready to assist and feel prepared and useful. Four hands massaging you applying counter pressure and relaxation sounds better than two.

sendmeis68 · August 2013

Those are great points. Thanks:)

Ashesha13 · August 2013

I'm a FTM and just had my baby naturally in a hospital just over a week ago. I decided no doula or midwife due to wanting to keep DH my main support and continue the intimacy of or pregnancy through the labor and delivery process. I had full confidence in my husband though and he was very on board with the whole process. I did have a relatively short labor for it being my first and labored mostly at home but once at the hospital and in hard active labor I'm glad it was my DH and not someone I'd just mer months ago trying to be my main support and pushing DH aside. I guess it depends on you and your DH's personality and what you want but for us I was an amazing intimate process that brought us closer as a couple and so glad I could allow my DH to play that main support role. I think it has also made him more confident with our LO and as a dad. I think with a midwife you should have enough support for the physical aspect keeping you well informed and making sure everything's going as planned but then your DH or family should be your emotional support and comfort

aylafsu88 · August 2013

I had a doula. She was the best money we ever spent. H and I took the Bradley classes and loved them. My H was educated and ready to support me. However, in labor you never know what is going to happen. I had a quick labor (11 hours) but it had some difficult points. My contractions were sporadic because LO was OA. My doula had me try different positions to help LO turn. This was a huge help and even though my H knew positions from the Bradley class he had no idea which ones would be beneficial in my situation. She also gave my H a break when he needed it. My labor was short but 11 hours was still a long time for one person to support me. I also felt the urge to push before I was completely dilated (I was only 8.5 cm). I had to hold back from pushing and it was pure hell. My doula breathed with me through contractions and got me to relax. It was tough and my H kind of zoned out since he did not know what to do. I almost lost if because I had to fight my body to not push. My doula was positive and encouraging the whole time. I truly believe that she made my birth the great experience that it was. My H and I plan to have a doula when we have #2 and hopefully it will be the same one.
I know that your family wants to be supportive but child birth is not a spectator sport. They need to understand that things may happen (long labor, malpositioned baby, etc) and you may need the advice/experience of a doula especially if you are going natural. Maybe you can reassure them that she is there to help them help you and that she wont necessarily interfere. Check out the DONA website, it has a great list of all the benefits of a doula. That info may help get them on board.
https://www.dona.org/mothers/why_use_a_doula.php

Arielle27 · August 2013

As a FTM I didn't have any support system other than my husband (no family in the area, etc) and I chose to have a doula. In the end I didn't 'need' her, my husband was all the support I needed. However, I was so glad to have her and definitely don't regret the money spent!

Somw of the reasons: We met with her several times before the birth in order to go through a full birth preparation course with her (on top of the hypnobirthing course) and I actually found her information and tips really helpful, then she was at our disposal for any questions leading up to labor. I don't know how most doulas work, but she was with us from the very beginning of labor until I was well-settled into the recovery with our new baby. She knew our birth plan and advocated for me. She took pictures and video of the actual birthing moments and wrote the birth story for us. A week later she came to visit and took footprints for us.

All-in-all, she was an experienced, helpful person who we trusted at our disposal throughout who was not emotionally-involved in the process.

Arielle27 · August 2013

Ashesha13 said:
I'm glad it was my DH and not someone I'd just mer months ago trying to be my main support and pushing DH aside.

A good doula should never do this!

I also ended up just wanting my husband to hold my hand, touch me and talk I me. I didn't have to even say it and our doula felt that she needed to step away and was only there for what we asked for/needed.

I had worried that I'd feel awkward with her sharing the intimate moment with us, but in the moment it was just great to have a level-headed advocate who was very experience to help us!

JessicaMae85 · August 2013

Hey!!

I have noticed that family members often feel concerned about the "intrusion" of a doula into the mix. They want to support you themselves, which is totally noble and heartwarming. Maybe they can't picture what their role will be if you have the midwife delivering your baby and the doula and your husband as your labor support. This is why it's helpful to communicate clearly to them how important it is to you that they be there as part of your greater support team--somebody's gotta help feed everybody! The midwife and doula are there because of their expertise in birth, your family are there because you love them and want their loving presence with you while you go through this life changing event!

I attended one birth-center birth as a volunteer doula, flanked by two midwives, a second doula, the birthing woman's husband, and her mother. Her husband did 70-80% of the hands on support for her 29-hour labor while the other doula and I helped apply counter pressure and helped her move between the birth tub, the bed, and the bathroom. The most memorable birth support moment, though, was actually when we doulas encouraged dad to take a nap in an adjacent room. Once in there he cried on our shoulders--he was working so hard in support of his wife and he was super emotional and suuuper tired. That's what doula-ing is all about!! Birth support for the whole family.

I definitely think the support from an awesome doula justifies the cost.

Sending love your way!

erb82 · August 2013

Doulas are indispensable for some women, but for me, no doula was the way to go. I personally have a very hard time being relaxed and centered when I'm with people I don't know very well. Birth is so intimate that having a person I've only known for a few months would be more of a hindrance than a help because it would make me self-conscious. That being said, I have a close family friend I've known my whole life who is a doula. If we lived near her, I'd definitely use her, because I know that doulas really do provide excellent care in ways that other people can't during the birth.

pdilly2b · August 2013

I had a hospital birth with a midwife and my DH and mom were in the room. We basically make a financial choice between doula and Bradley classes and chose the classes. It was the right choice for us and really prepared DH for what to do. While I was in the jacuzzi tub, I really didn't want anyone else around so DH was able to rest then and my mom was always around in case he needed another break, which he didn't. FWIW, I was in labor 36 hrs with 14 of those at the hospital. I also like the the knowledge he and I both gained in the classes will be useful for future babies too. Anyway, not having a doula worked great for us and I don't feel like I would need/want one in the future either. I would recommend having at least 2 people around besides the midwife, be they family and/or a doula.

robyn2201 · August 2013

Arielle27 said:

I'm glad it was my DH and not someone I'd just mer months ago trying to be my main support and pushing DH aside.
A good doula should never do this! I also ended up just wanting my husband to hold my hand, touch me and talk I me. I didn't have to even say it and our doula felt that she needed to step away and was only there for what we asked for/needed. I had worried that I'd feel awkward with her sharing the intimate moment with us, but in the moment it was just great to have a level-headed advocate who was very experience to help us!

@ashesha13, I agree completely with Arielle27. A doula is never supposed to push your DH to the side. They are there to provide support for the mom and dad.

Our doula was wonderful. She never intruded between DH and I. DH was my rock while in labor with DD1. I stood the entire time and had my arms wrapped around his neck and swaying. During this time, my doula applied counter pressure. She also dealt with the hospital staff, so Dh could help me work through contractions. She went and got things for us, snacks and water.

OP, since you are having a HB, I don't know that you necessarily need a doula if you have 2 support people by your side. You are not going to be dealing with hospital staff that are not natural birth friendly. This was one of my main reasons for having a doula. If we had started to run into issues at the hospital, I wanted a doula there to be able to make suggestions.

AppleMuffins · August 2013

When does your midwife join you at home for the birth? I think she would be able to provide much of the same support you would want from a doula at a home birth. In a hospital, maybe not so much since they tend to be there more towards the end (and if natural birth is your goal and you're going to a hospital, you try to labor at home as long as possible). I think that for your case, a doula may not be necessary. My husband and I are going to hire a doula, but we will be having a hospital birth and I really want someone there as an advocate for us to help us if doctors and staff seem to be pushing us off course of our birth preferences. That said, if YOU would feel more relaxed or at ease with a doula, then go for it! The more relaxed and comfortable you feel, the easier your labor will be. Don't let your family make those decisions for you. It should be between you and your DH to decide what you need to create the environment you want your LO to be born into.

sendmeis68 · August 2013

Thanks for all your replies

momof2buggs · August 2013

Your labor=your decision. No matter how many people are there to support you, one more person who is there to support and focus on you and your needs can't possibly be a bad thing. I had a doula with only one of my deliveries, and it was the best thing I ever did. She was amazing and helped me get through my hospital delivery with no intervention. I definitely recommend having one.

NebF · August 2013

I would definitely go with a doula. I feel like not having a doula at my son's birth was the biggest mistake I made. All of the little things that didn't go my way (I still had a wonderful birth BTW) could have been prevented with a doula. The first thing I am going to do when I get pregnant again is go doula shopping!

huntjul · August 2013

If HB means home birth, then I wouldn't get a doula because you'll already have your midwife's full attention, have no trouble with hospital staff pushing interventions on you, etc. If it was a hospital birth, I would choose to have one - in fact, I have hired one for my hospital birth with a midwife in October.

NebF · August 2013

My birth was a planned home birth and I NEEDED a doula. We ended up transferring to the hospital which I think could have been avoided with a doula. We are planning a HB for our next and will definitely have a doula there.

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