2nd Baby Shower Thoughts

yvonka.row · August 2013

So, DS is 15 months this week and my friends here threw me a lovely baby shower for him. I'm not that worried but curious as to if this baby will get one. I don't live anywhere near my family and we won't be visiting them again until after the baby is born. I feel like we should have a baby shower for this little one since so much time and effort and love was put into the first one. I don't want this baby to think we didn't love him/her as much (obviously we will). It's just different this time around because you don't have the time to sit around wondering about the baby you're carrying all the time. You have to run around after the first one. It would be nice if my SIL's would throw me one but they didn't have one themselves. I think deep down I want this baby to have one too, but I can't ask someone to throw me a shower. I was wondering if my mom would come out with my sister and cousin and maybe they could do it. Anyone else in a similar situation? Do people throw their own showers? Oh, and it's not so I get all the stuff, we are pretty much set on that. More just the gathering of friends and family.

ccip82 · August 2013

Oh boy...I think it is too early on a Saturday for this

Anyways, my two cents. People on the Bump have very strong opinions regarding showers for STMs. I think full blown baby showers for STMs are inappropriate.

My question to you is: According to your post you do not want the presents, just the gathering of family. Can you have a sip and see after the baby is born? Why would you have to have a shower as a reason to get family together?

Also, IMO baby showers are for honoring the mother to be and not for celebrating the baby. I do not think any baby ever thought their parents "loved" them any less because they were not given a shower...honestly I am shaking my head over this one...

Furthermore, in regards to your SIL- why would she throw you one? I am unclear on the particulars of this since she did not have a baby shower herself. I think some clarification is needed.

Lastly, you are right- people do not throw their own showers. I think even mentioning to your sister, mom, and cousins to perhaps host a shower for you is not the best idea. How far do you live from your family?

juliasmama2010 · August 2013

If you want more of a family get together, don't refer to it as a shower, simply a picnic or something. Having a 15 month old and getting a shower for #2 is not typical and people will think you're being greedy. But I don't think there's anything wrong with asking someone to help you have a family picnic

alinafed · August 2013

The shower is for the new mom to say "welcome to motherhood" it's not for the baby. If it were it would happen after the baby is born so he could attend his own party. Your baby will not feel unloved over it, give me a break. I have no idea whether my mom had a shower for me and am certain she didn't for my brothers - cuz kids don't ask and don't care about this stuff!

If you really just want everyone to get together have a get together, not a shower.

moosebaby2011 · August 2013

The purpose of a baby shower is to welcome a person to motherhood by "showering" them with gifts. The purpose is NOT to welcome the baby to the world. I can understand wanting to celebrate your new baby, but to have a second shower (especially since your child is so young) is uncommon and considered by many to be gift grabby and rude, particularly if you throw it yourself or ask someone to throw it for you. In some social circles second showers are the norm, but it doesn't sound like that it true for yours (since you had to ask about it here).

Because the word "shower" implies an expectation of gifts I agree with PP who suggested a sip n see or family picnic. Like I said, there is nothing at all wrong with wanting to celebrate your new baby but having a second shower is not the proper way to do so.

2BWEDN2007 · August 2013

Do you think your second (or any subsequent child for that matter) is seriously going to think you "don't love them as much" if nobody throws you ANOTHER shower?

Bottom line is second showers are tacky. If someone offers to throw you a sprinkle (which is usually for diapers or gender specific clothes if you're having something other than what you had the first time) you have the option of declining or accepting. Anything else is tacky, greedy and in poor taste. I actually cringed reading your OP.

tahloulah10 · August 2013

The baby won't know or care if you had a shower for him/her. Like PP said, a shower's purpose is to welcome a mother to motherhood. You are already a mother.

IMO, if someone offers to throw you a shower/sprinkle, you can accept if you want. DO NOT throw your own shower - that is exactly like calling up all of your nearest and dearest and saying "We're having another baby! Buy me a gift!" If it's really only about the celebration: go out to lunch or dinner or host a Meet the Baby party after the baby is born (no gifts are expected at this type of event so you can host it yourself).

yvonka.row · August 2013

I'm not sure why you guys are so rude. This is why I don't post often. I don't appreciate the "give me a break" and "I am shaking my head." I know I asked for thoughts, and yes, some of them are good, but I think you could be a little kinder about it. We are all moms and nobody has all the correct answers. So thank you to the nice thoughts, but I am not going to respond to anymore rude comments as though you are smarter or better than me.

ccip82 · August 2013

Seriously, I knew it. I should not have taken the time to respond to your post in the most tactful way possible. I should have simply replied:

You sound like an entitled brat. The end.

PS: Grow the eff up.

tahloulah10 · August 2013

yvonka.row said:
I'm not sure why you guys are so rude. This is why I don't post often. I don't appreciate the "give me a break" and "I am shaking my head." I know I asked for thoughts, and yes, some of them are good, but I think you could be a little kinder about it. We are all moms and nobody has all the correct answers. So thank you to the nice thoughts, but I am not going to respond to anymore rude comments as though you are smarter or better than me.

No one is being mean. This is a heavily debated topic on TB. Every single poster has had either good advice for you, or has asked legitimate question to try to help you. Don't take it so personally.

silentsiren11 · August 2013

Ugh.... I HATE when people ask for opinions and advice and then their next response on the thread is whining about "mean and rude" responses when no one was actually mean or rude.

hopeful808 · August 2013

Does you desire for a second shower stem from a fear you have that you won't be able to love/dote/care for your new baby the exact way that you did for your first? Infants do not have the ability to care if they have all brand new things or if you had a party where you received gifts before they were born. So having a shower won't have any effect of them. From your OP it seems like your reasons for wanting a shower are meant to make you feel better about your fears. If you want to celebrate this baby for the baby then it take place after the baby is born. Those parties are not showers, they are meet the baby or sip and sees etc.

kiki1978 · August 2013

I love how we have the 2nd baby shower posts at least a few times a week, the OP never reads them, and then gets mad when people reiterate what etiquette dictates.

peanutmuse · August 2013

yvonka.row said:

I'm not sure why you guys are so rude. This is why I don't post often. I don't appreciate the "give me a break" and "I am shaking my head." I know I asked for thoughts, and yes, some of them are good, but I think you could be a little kinder about it. We are all moms and nobody has all the correct answers. So thank you to the nice thoughts, but I am not going to respond to anymore rude comments as though you are smarter or better than me.

Rude, huh? Let's talk about rude. It is absolutely rude to your friends and family -- not to mention tacky -- to have another baby shower. Rather than making you feel like it would be okay to do this, these ladies have pointed out how ridiculous the idea is.

In addition to not posting often, I'm guessing you don't read posts often either...?

woody26 · August 2013

Hi having a gender reveal party, if your going to find out sex or a sprinkle thrown by a family member or friend is more approriate for a 2nd baby:)
This is our second and we may have a gender reveal party with a note not to bring gifts.
Im from feb'14

moosebaby2011 · August 2013

OP - what is worse: having strangers on the internet tell you your plans are rude and thus giving you a chance to change them OR going ahead with those plans and potentially having your family and friends (i.e. people you actually care about) thinking you are rude?

peanutmuse · August 2013

woody26 said:

Hi having a gender reveal party, if your going to find out sex or a sprinkle thrown by a family member or friend is more approriate for a 2nd baby:) This is our second and we may have a gender reveal party with a note not to bring gifts. Im from feb'14

Appropriate? Not really. Do people do it anyway? Sure.

I'm not sure why you came over here from Feb '14 to comment on this particular thread. Interesting. Just read some of your posts on your BMB... What's even more telling than your comments, though, is the comments from others that you loved.

Edited to tag @woody26 ....and to say that your lack of understanding of when to use a possessive versus when to use a conjunction makes my head hurt.

aessary03 · August 2013

Ugh, this one is special, isn't she?

Unless you have a ridiculous amount of years in between your children and someone else offers to throw you the shower, what about rude are you not understanding? People are spending their hard earned money to buy you things for your baby. If it's not the gifts you care about, then for the love of Bob, plan a regular 'ole get together with your family.

And pull up your big girl panties. You sound awfully whiny with all that "you guys are so mean and rude" talk. No one really cares what you think of us. You asked for opinions, we gave them. No where in your post did it state you want them sugar coated because you can't handle any constructive criticism and helpful suggestions.

ccip82 · August 2013

peanutmuse said:

woody26 said:

Hi having a gender reveal party, if your going to find out sex or a sprinkle thrown by a family member or friend is more approriate for a 2nd baby:) This is our second and we may have a gender reveal party with a note not to bring gifts. Im from feb'14
Appropriate? Not really. Do people do it anyway? Sure.

I'm not sure why you came over here from Feb '14 to comment on this particular thread. Interesting. Just read some of your posts on your BMB... What's even more telling than your comments, though, is the comments from others that you loved.

Edited to tag @woody26 ....and to say that your lack of understanding of when to use a possessive versus when to use a conjunction makes my head hurt.

Nice catch on the "love its" Really annoying...

mcguirjm · August 2013

I guess I'm just different , around here we celebrate every pregnancy equally unless mom asked to not have a shower. Our women's ministry always throws showers, heck we just had one a year ago for a lady on baby number 5. I don't think the mom is being selfish or rude by attending one, however I wouldn't throw one for your self because that seems a bit tacky to me, however I don't see an issue accepting one if someone offers it to you.

ChuggingWater · August 2013

PreDempsey said:
OP I'll throw you a shower, but I'm going to break into your house, take all of the stuff out of your 15mo's room, wrap it, and regive it to you because that shit is brand new.

The gentlemen in the tire shop are staring because I snorted so hard.

ccip82 · August 2013

PreDempsey said:

OP I'll throw you a shower, but I'm going to break into your house, take all of the stuff out of your 15mo's room, wrap it, and regive it to you because that shit is brand new.

OMG...dead.

aessary03 · August 2013

PreDempsey said:

OP I'll throw you a shower, but I'm going to break into your house, take all of the stuff out of your 15mo's room, wrap it, and regive it to you because that shit is brand new.

This.was.awesome.

PreDempsey · August 2013

If I get banned it's because I told some troll I was going to break into her house.

peanutmuse · August 2013

PreDempsey said:

If I get banned it's because I told some troll I was going to break into her house.

Hey now, you were being super nice. You told her that you would throw her a shower.

SweetPeaKate · August 2013

I think you either do a "sip and see" style celebration after the baby is born or something small and low-key to simply celebrate baby. I wouldn't call it a shower because it implies to everyone that it includes major gift giving. But if there are no gifts to be given, then what do you do during this "celebration".

I have heard of simply diaper showers being given, but even that seems a little weird to do yourself.

My first was born the day before my scheduled shower, so I never really had a true baby shower. Yes we eventually got gifts, but there was no special day for celebrating. So to say I feel a little jipped and that I missed out on that, I don't necessarily think I need one for this baby. My SIL is coming out at Christmas time and we are going to do a girls celebration--possibly spa day or something similar to celebrate this baby. Maybe that would be a better choice?

knottie3c0525a8a3c64eaa · August 2013

I will be blunt
1) You shouldn't have a second shower
2) You should definitely not throw a shower for yourself.

There are other ways to show your child that you love and care. Baby shower is not one of them. I understand you're excited and want to do something special. Maybe throw a gender reveal party or a sip and see party when the baby is born. But PLEASE don't throw yourself a baby shower for your second child. Besides, what else can you possibly need?

knottie3c0525a8a3c64eaa · August 2013

Omg I'm dying laughing at you guys comments. Lol

Kl20nort · August 2013

Wow, how are people so offended by this idea? Stop being rude ladies, there's enough of that everywhere else. In terms of a second shower, have your other friends that you would invite done this? If not I'd suggest against it, instead I would have a Jack and Jill brunch with or without the little ones, baby themed. Have your girlfriends help you with prep, invite their husbands and have it as a little get together for you, friends and family before the baby is born. It will mean quality time with your people before the baby is born, which I think is important. Good luck.

ccip82 · August 2013

Kl20nort said:
Wow, how are people so offended by this idea? Stop being rude ladies, there's enough of that everywhere else. In terms of a second shower, have your other friends that you would invite done this? If not I'd suggest against it, instead I would have a Jack and Jill brunch with or without the little ones, baby themed. Have your girlfriends help you with prep, invite their husbands and have it as a little get together for you, friends and family before the baby is born. It will mean quality time with your people before the baby is born, which I think is important. Good luck.

Lol, you did read this entire thread, right?

Kl20nort · August 2013

No at a certain point I got fed up and decided to post a little positivity.

hopeful808 · August 2013

Kl20nort said:

No at a certain point I got fed up and decided to post a little positivity.

Unfortunately, not post is going to get that positive "go for it!" response. In this case etiquette state that baby showers are only appropriate when thrown for a first baby. It would be wrong to tell her to throw herself a second baby shower when it would cause a major social faux pas. Just because someone else had a second shower doesn't mean that it's socially correct as their circumstances are different. The OP has a 15 month old, she does not need to be given brand new things for this baby. If she wants new things she needs to buy them herself. It is not rude to tell someone that what they are asking is socially inappropriate so they can not do it. To encourage socially inappropriate behavior just to be nice is much worse than being blunt.

rowanthefrog · August 2013

We did a "baby celebration" for my 2nd child, with the instructions of no gifts please. It was my 2nd boy, same season, in less than 3 years. It was a nice way to celebrate him, but not gift grabby. I feel like with your kids so close together a 2nd shower is probably tacky, but you can do a little celebration for the 2nd or a "sip and see" after baby is born.

A

aessary03 · August 2013

My mom-in-law is hosting a baby shower for me ..... *gasp* for my second child. However, my last baby was 10 years ago and I have no baby items. BUT I also don't expect people to run out and buy me baby items for my baby shower, either, just because it's been 10 years since I've had a kid. So my husband and I have been buying baby items here and there. Pretty soon there won't be anything big left to get! That makes me feel better than expecting people to furnish my baby's complete nursery and toys. Now, they can get us stuff if they want, but it's not expected by myself or my husband as we're completely able to provide for our child.

In the case of just having a baby 15 months ago, this is completely tacky. She should have everything she needs for a baby. No baby shower needed. A party is fine, but don't expect gifts or create a "shower" just for gifts. I certainly wouldn't come if that were the case. If it were just a party, I'd pick you up a small outfit for your baby. But I certainly wouldn't go out of my way to buy you big ticket items with a child that small. It's not rude. It's reality.

DCrider · August 2013

So I'm probably in the minority here but second showers are the norm with my family back home (in rural TX) if you are having a different gender. Sounds like this is not the case for you though.

I wouldn't dream of asking for a shower though or throwing myself one for that matter. My mom is insistent that she gets to throw a shower. Probably will be lots if clothes, maybe some girly swaddles and blankets, etc.

I have a "friend" here in NoVa though who has given me serious shit over even having a registry (which I made mainly for my own benefit).

Ladams30 · August 2013

yvonka.row said:

I'm not sure why you guys are so rude. This is why I don't post often. I don't appreciate the "give me a break" and "I am shaking my head." I know I asked for thoughts, and yes, some of them are good, but I think you could be a little kinder about it. We are all moms and nobody has all the correct answers. So thank you to the nice thoughts, but I am not going to respond to anymore rude comments as though you are smarter or better than me.

Oh, sweetheart, you think this is mean and rude? This is cupcakes and rainbows compared to the baby shower board. Go ask this question over there and then drag your carcass back over here and tell us we are mean and rude. No one on here has been mean, nor rude considering your question. And I imagine there were quite a few sighs heaved over this question as I have seen it myself a couple times over the past couple of weeks.

Ladams30 · August 2013

aessary03 said:

My mom-in-law is hosting a baby shower for me ..... *gasp* for my second child. However, my last baby was 10 years ago and I have no baby items. BUT I also don't expect people to run out and buy me baby items for my baby shower, either, just because it's been 10 years since I've had a kid. So my husband and I have been buying baby items here and there. Pretty soon there won't be anything big left to get! That makes me feel better than expecting people to furnish my baby's complete nursery and toys. Now, they can get us stuff if they want, but it's not expected by myself or my husband as we're completely able to provide for our child.

In the case of just having a baby 15 months ago, this is completely tacky. She should have everything she needs for a baby. No baby shower needed. A party is fine, but don't expect gifts or create a "shower" just for gifts. I certainly wouldn't come if that were the case. If it were just a party, I'd pick you up a small outfit for your baby. But I certainly wouldn't go out of my way to buy you big ticket items with a child that small. It's not rude. It's reality.

This sentence right here makes the situation completely different. It's been 10 years - you are essentially starting from scratch.

And at least you aren't throwing it yourself

Galaxy8227 · August 2013

A friend of mine had a gender reveal party this weekend for her second child. No presents, just friend and family celebrating a new baby together. Maybe you could do something like that? Or a sip and see after the baby is born like PP's have suggested.

salsamommy · August 2013

I am very anti-2nd + Baby Shower!!!! I just got invited to a good friend's 2nd baby shower which she is throwing herself, for baby'#3 & 4 (she's having twin boys) but already has 2 girls (Age 4 & 2). The first thing I did was roll my eyes, and book a weekend getaway with my mom & DS to Jamaica as a "work-related" familiarization trip!!! :P

Regardless of the sex (not a reason), there are very few reasons to have another baby shower and if you go back and read other threads, than you will see for yourself what they are!!!!

In your case, there's a handful of reasons not to have one:

1. It's just plain old tacky

2. It makes you look like a greedy bitch

3. People who feel the same may not let you know it to your face, but you'll see how many people come up with excuses for not being there!!!

4. It's just plain old tacky again

5. Not only will you look like a greedy bitch, you'll always be the spoiled brat that threw herself a second baby shower for no good reason!!

Another point about your OP, you mentioned no gifts are expected. Maybe my definition is wrong, but isn't a "shower" for the mother to be "showered with gifts"???? And your child is 15 months? Do you not have everything you would possibly need and more????

I had a friend that wanted to throw me a shower, I thanked her nicely, but also refused it ... I suggested we go out for dinner with friends to celebrate, absolutely NO GIFTS!!!!!

SunflowersBride · August 2013

I just wanted to add a couple of things:

1) I completely agree with most of the PP's. A second shower, particularly when your first is only 15 months old, is tacky and frankly unnecessary. You should have everything you need, with the possible exception of clothing, which you will likely receive as gifts regardless of whether you have a shower or not. If you want to celebrate your new baby, invite people over to meet the baby afterwards.

2) I hate when people say that something is common in their area, so that means it's ok. When I was planning my wedding, I learned about something called a "money dance" where people pay you at your wedding to dance with the bride. Apparently this is very common in many areas. Just because it's common, doesn't mean it isn't tacky, because you are asking people for more money/gifts at your wedding. Similarly, just because people have 2nd baby showers, doesn't make it ok etiquette-wise.

3) I hate to be this person, but having a party and requesting "no gifts" is technically tacky as well, because it implies that gifts were expected to begin with. You should never mention gifts one way or another on an invitation.

juliasmama2010 · August 2013

SunflowersBride said:

I just wanted to add a couple of things:

1) I completely agree with most of the PP's. A second shower, particularly when your first is only 15 months old, is tacky and frankly unnecessary. You should have everything you need, with the possible exception of clothing, which you will likely receive as gifts regardless of whether you have a shower or not. If you want to celebrate your new baby, invite people over to meet the baby afterwards.

2) I hate when people say that something is common in their area, so that means it's ok. When I was planning my wedding, I learned about something called a "money dance" where people pay you at your wedding to dance with the bride. Apparently this is very common in many areas. Just because it's common, doesn't mean it isn't tacky, because you are asking people for more money/gifts at your wedding. Similarly, just because people have 2nd baby showers, doesn't make it ok etiquette-wise.

3) I hate to be this person, but having a party and requesting "no gifts" is technically tacky as well, because it implies that gifts were expected to begin with. You should never mention gifts one way or another on an invitation.

Then why do people mention where they're registered when they get married or have a baby? Isn't that a contradicition? I totally expected gifts at my showers and I don't think that was tacky. That's what showers are for. You shower the bride and groom to help them build their "love nest" and you shower the mother to be with gifts/advice to help her prepare for this new chapter in her life. If we didn't expect gifts, my mother wouldn't have wasted all that money on the shower, she just would've bought me gifts herself. Just a little different perspective for you, not trying to start a cat fight!

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