Hard to adjust

nixie321 · August 2013

Hi ladies,

I just turned 41 and I am 9 weeks pregnant. Dec of last year I found out I was pregnant (not married, have long term bf) and it was a shock. I had been working a corporate gig for many years and really had to figure out if I wanted a child. Turns out we decided, yes, we did. Then I had a MC in Jan and basically had a breakdown which included quitting my job and redirecting myself. One thing I knew from the time of the MC was that I wanted a child..my first and only. BF is well employed and I was pretty secure even at the time I left my job and now there is a drastic yet wonderful turn of events. I got pregnant! Now, I am sick all of the time and have battled depression for most of my life and I just am having a really hard time adjusting to my new circumstances. I am unemployed (my fault) and freaked out. I thought I was ready for this and was under the belief that we can make it work no matter what but the lows are tremendously low and I am having trouble being happy and hopeful. I am lashing out at my partner and while I can write all this in a logical manner, I think and feel in very illogical ways and I worry that I am damaging myself and my baby. There are women in far worse circumstances I am well aware.. the mind is really a tricky thing though. I "waited" this long to be (financially) stable before even thinking of having a child and now that I am progressing fairly well (so far) I feel that I am no better prepared financially or mentally than a teenager. Even they are more prepared than I am.
I am estranged from my family although I am working on that. I have plenty of friends but I feel like my life is gone. That's no way to think and I try so hard to shake it and be GRATEFUL for this opportunity. I work on feeling a connection with the LO inside but so far, it's fleeting. Honestly, I really thank you for reading this.. it's been a hard adjustment and I am not very far along so I should stop crying and just be hopeful. I tend to take things way to sensitively and while I know that I am not alone (there is the Bump after all) I feel like I am because well, I just feel like I am in over my head.
That's all, thanks for listening. Truly appreciated.

mindfulturkey · August 2013

Hang in there! I feel like my mind has been taking all the "what if's" and running with them. I'll bet that you are way more prepared than you think and most definitely more prepared than a teenager. You have maturity and life experience that will help you down the path of motherhood. Be kind to yourself and try not to judge your thoughts and emotions. This is a new journey for you and your body and mind are reacting and settling into the idea. Try to just breathe and come on these boards as much as you can for support.

LucyRicardo3 · August 2013

First, Congrats and Welcome!

Second, I could copy and paste Mindful's reply.

Third, Make sure you are communicating some of this to your dr. or if you are still really struggling perhaps get a referral for counseling. If you' ve been on meds to help with the depression, it can be very hard adjusting to going without, if you made that decision to do so while pregnant. ( I went through that with my second pregnancy and while nursing. After I weaned, I felt great enough that I realized I no longer needed the rx.) It's also totally normal to freak out from time to time. Lord knows I have!! Take care of yourself. Hugs!

jbelle · August 2013

LucyRicardo3 said:

Make sure you are communicating some of this to your dr. or if you are still really struggling perhaps get a referral for counseling.

I think this is very good advice!

Hugs and I hope you feel better soon.

Geeps2 · August 2013

As the other ladies said all of what you are feeling is very normal....especially after having suffered a miscarriage. The thing you wanted most in the world is now coming true and it is beyond scary. You have the maturity to know that life is going to change, it may be a bit bumpy but unlike a teenager you are acknowledging this and are better prepared.

I also agree with talking with your Dr about your depression. Maybe there are some safe meds you could try? I have been fortunate that I have never had to deal with serious depression but have a very close friend that does and I know how hard it can be when not pregnant. Pregnancy throws a lot more into the brain chemistry mix.

Good luck, we are here for you

nixie321 · August 2013

Thank you everyone! I can't tell you what a relief it is to just get some words of advice. I have gotten a referral for counseling and I need to make the appointment. As far as medications, I told my doctor that I didn't want to be on them since I was pregnant and they are looking into whether they feel this is a safe option for me, considering the level of anxiety and depression I'm on it for. I can't stand that I "need" to be medicated.. I'm not on a lot but I guess since I've been on them for years now it would be questionable to just quit or wean off too quickly. I thought about stopping them after the miscarriage in order to prepare for a possible pregnancy but never got around to it.
Thank you for letting me rant here. Although I have a few friends and some of those who have just had babies.. it is as if I cannot relate to them, or them to me. I am very grateful for this board.. all the best to all of you!

[Deleted User] · August 2013

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happyturtle03 · August 2013

I had a M/C literally right before this pregnancy (only one regular period between the M/C and getting pregnant again) and I had a really hard time at first connecting to the LO, but now that I've had some sonos and testing and know that baby is ok and started to feel her kicking me, I am feeling much more bonded with her and allowing myself to be excited for this pregnancy. As for the other stuff, a lot of it sounds very normal, but having dealt with depression issues myself, I'd recommend you find a good therapist you can talk to on a regular basis and consider talking to your OB about antidepressants that are considered safe for pregnancy, because you don't need unnecessary stress, pregnancy is hard enough, especially if this is your first and you are scared and don't know what to expect. Hang in there!

Guennie · August 2013

I agree that counseling would be good for you so I hope you will follow through with that. Sorry you're having such a hard time. Hopefully it will get easier. Hugs.

nixie321 · August 2013

OK, I called and set up an appointment for tomorrow morning, 10am. The woman was really nice and said we would figure out a good plan of action with counseling and re-evaluate my current medications, etc.
Feeling a little more hopeful.

happyturtle03 · August 2013

That's wonderful news Nixie! Hope it really helps! Sometimes just knowing that you have that extra help takes off a lot of the stress and feelings of being overwhelmed because you have someone to walk you through everything and remind you that you do not have to deal with everything all at once.

And really, you do NOT have to deal with everything all at once!!! Just keep in mind that you will have time to plan for things you'll need. And really, you do not need everything the magazines and baby stores try to convince you that you'll need. The most important things to have before baby's arrival are:

* the carseat

* a place for baby to sleep (crib, bassinet, or the co-sleeper things that attach to your bed... there are options there, so no, you do not need to go out and by the ridiculously expensive crib that converts to every bed the child will be needing before they move out to college!)

*a few onesies and swaddling blankets and maybe a baby towel or two and a few soft washclothes (I always liked the cheap Gerber ones the best, they are so soft!).

*a simple bag to use as a diaper bag (even a back-pack will work- hey, pick one up on the back to school clearance and get off cheap!

)

Seriously, that's all you need to have ahead of time. Most hospitals will send you home with most of a pack of diapers, even if they don't, you can start with just one pack. They usually give Baby a soft little cap to keep their head warm too, and a thermometer and booger sucker thingy they'll send home with you. You'll also find that you can get good deals on maternity clothes if you shop the clearance racks. Motherhood and Target have AWESOME clearance racks for this. If you are going to nurse, you won't need a pump until you get your milk supply established with baby, and if you bottle feed, you'll really only need a few bottles and you can sign up with most formula companies to get discount checks each month to supplement the costs, and they just work like coupons, plus you usually end up with formula freebies from the hospital if you choose/need to do that. You might also be given a free diaper bag at the hospital as well. If you need other money-saving tips to feel more secure in that department ask away! There's really no need to make yourself a mess over worrying about the costs, it is totally doable if you break it up and make smart decisions and don't think you need an entire Babies R Us to bring Baby home.

Parenting, you learn as you go. Baby is not going to come home throwing out teenage attitude and refusing to clean their room.

The beginning is pretty simple, they eat, they sleep, they poop... oh, and they smell so yummy (except for the poopy diapers part) and feel so sweet in your arms :x and no worries, you'll have a pediatrician and you can also call the hospital if you have any questions once you go home. The post-delivery nurses will help you practice taking care of Baby before they send you home, too, so even if you've never changed a diaper in your life, you WILL be ok! I promise! No one is going to throw you to the wolves without any support, and you can always ask for advice here too.

Mostly, just take one day at a time. Don't feel like you have to figure it all out RIGHT THIS MINUTE, that is so NOT the case! And there are no dumb questions at all, especially here, you can ask anything, feel anything, and it is ok. Talking about it does help. There are a lot of us around who have experience to share and we're all going through this together too. Most of all, go easy on yourself. Hormones can kick your butt especially during the first trimester. Give yourself a break. If you feel overwhelmed, take a step back and remind yourself to put things in perspective. And take a nap when you can, that always helps! Hugs!

Guennie · August 2013

happyturtle03 said:
That's wonderful news Nixie! Hope it really helps! Sometimes just knowing that you have that extra help takes off a lot of the stress and feelings of being overwhelmed because you have someone to walk you through everything and remind you that you do not have to deal with everything all at once.

And really, you do NOT have to deal with everything all at once!!! Just keep in mind that you will have time to plan for things you'll need. And really, you do not need everything the magazines and baby stores try to convince you that you'll need. The most important things to have before baby's arrival are:
* the carseat
* a place for baby to sleep (crib, bassinet, or the co-sleeper things that attach to your bed... there are options there, so no, you do not need to go out and by the ridiculously expensive crib that converts to every bed the child will be needing before they move out to college!)
*a few onesies and swaddling blankets and maybe a baby towel or two and a few soft washclothes (I always liked the cheap Gerber ones the best, they are so soft!).
*a simple bag to use as a diaper bag (even a back-pack will work- hey, pick one up on the back to school clearance and get off cheap! )

Seriously, that's all you need to have ahead of time. Most hospitals will send you home with most of a pack of diapers, even if they don't, you can start with just one pack. They usually give Baby a soft little cap to keep their head warm too, and a thermometer and booger sucker thingy they'll send home with you. You'll also find that you can get good deals on maternity clothes if you shop the clearance racks. Motherhood and Target have AWESOME clearance racks for this. If you are going to nurse, you won't need a pump until you get your milk supply established with baby, and if you bottle feed, you'll really only need a few bottles and you can sign up with most formula companies to get discount checks each month to supplement the costs, and they just work like coupons, plus you usually end up with formula freebies from the hospital if you choose/need to do that. You might also be given a free diaper bag at the hospital as well. If you need other money-saving tips to feel more secure in that department ask away! There's really no need to make yourself a mess over worrying about the costs, it is totally doable if you break it up and make smart decisions and don't think you need an entire Babies R Us to bring Baby home.

Parenting, you learn as you go. Baby is not going to come home throwing out teenage attitude and refusing to clean their room. The beginning is pretty simple, they eat, they sleep, they poop... oh, and they smell so yummy (except for the poopy diapers part) and feel so sweet in your arms :x and no worries, you'll have a pediatrician and you can also call the hospital if you have any questions once you go home. The post-delivery nurses will help you practice taking care of Baby before they send you home, too, so even if you've never changed a diaper in your life, you WILL be ok! I promise! No one is going to throw you to the wolves without any support, and you can always ask for advice here too.

Mostly, just take one day at a time. Don't feel like you have to figure it all out RIGHT THIS MINUTE, that is so NOT the case! And there are no dumb questions at all, especially here, you can ask anything, feel anything, and it is ok. Talking about it does help. There are a lot of us around who have experience to share and we're all going through this together too. Most of all, go easy on yourself. Hormones can kick your butt especially during the first trimester. Give yourself a break. If you feel overwhelmed, take a step back and remind yourself to put things in perspective. And take a nap when you can, that always helps! Hugs!

BEST ADVICE EVER! Happyturtle I heart you. Every FTM should read this!

nixie321 · August 2013

Thank you happyturtle! I really appreciate this advice so much. Thank you for breaking it down for me and yes, for all FTMs or anyone! I will read this again and again when feeling overwhelmed. I am actually grateful for all the advice I've been given. So, again, thanks everyone! Going to counseling appt in an hour or so.. crap.. I don't even need it now! Hahaha, nah, who am I kidding.. I need to go to counseling. Thanks all!

*sparky* · August 2013

HappyTurtle had great advice, so I won't try to offer anything more that to say I am sorry you are going through this and I hope the counseling helps.

I am also 41 and had a MC around the same time as you, so now that I am PG again I am really, really nervous that something will go wrong. So I understand some of what you are going through.

Jillette98 · August 2013

I have struggled with depression in the past as well, and I got a therapist as soon as my DH and I started trying.... I knew that a MC would throw me, and the probability of PPD for me with my mental health history is through the roof. Do talk to a counselor.... a professional needs to hear what you're experiencing and see what can be done to help. There ARE antidepressants out there that are safe for pregnancy, and it's much better to take something to level you out rather than release the toxins that depression creates.

There is a take-charge woman in there who had the career and decided to try for baby again after the heartbreak of MC.... find that part of yourself and march yourself to the shrink and take charge of your mental health! I think you'll be so relieved to have a plan to alleviate the stress you're feeling, and if meds aren't what you and a therapist decide there are still vitamin supplements and light therapy and a dozen other things that you can try with the help of a doc to stop the runaway depression train.

FYI progesterone can cause issues for some people with depression in their history (ME), and with the enormous spike in that hormone during pregnancy, it can throw you for a loop. You probably didn't really deal fully with the MC either, and that plus the complete 180 on your career and another pregnancy is a recipe for major anxiety. You're okay, you are normal, and you can get healthy. Just take that first step and make an appointment with a therapist.

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." -Lao Tzu

Jillette98 · August 2013

Just now saw that you had your appointment yesterday... oops! I'm so glad you are moving in the right direction, and the Turtle said it all. You can do this. Women have been creating life since the dawn of time, and you can too. Good luck, Nixie!

nixie321 · August 2013

Thank you @Jillette98 I appreciate your encouragement! Yes, I had the appointment and feel better in some ways. I am just happy that I actually sought out support and will be speaking with a therapist on a regular basis throughout my pregnancy and afterwards. This board and people such as yourself provide immense support to me.
You're right, I haven't really processed the MC entirely.. and most likely a lot of this fear is stemming from that. When I saw the baby's heartbeat a few weeks ago I didn't even cry. I was shocked and amazed that I had actually made it that far! The MC was devastating but one thing I learned is that if I can make it through that (and it was an EARLY mc.. under 6 weeks.. blighted ovum actually) than I can make it through these ups and downs.
Wondering.. are you now no longer struggling with depression? And if you are then do you recover naturally or with meds? You don't have to answer of course.

Thank you!

Mandyw75 · August 2013

I feel I know what you are feeling. When my hormones starting raging as a teenager I became irrational, moody, suicidal thoughts, irritable, low self esteem, lazy and just generally felt not great. Then after I hit my 20's I completely changed into the person I now am with the exception of the day or 2 before my period and of course the sometimes lows of life that happen with circumstance and what I may bring on myself. Now the 1st trimester of my pregnancies bring all that back with a bang. I feel like a very dark cloud is following me around every day. I guess what I'm trying to say is that if you are affected by hormones the same way I am you will feel some relief once you are past this trimester. I am also PGAL just to add to it all so you may think you're going crazy a lot of the time. There is a light at the end of this tunnel and you will find being a mother although trying at times will just come naturally.

On a side note exercise is a great natural anti-depressant. But who feels like exercising right now? b-(

Jillette98 · August 2013

nixie321 said:

Thank you @Jillette98 I appreciate your encouragement! Yes, I had the appointment and feel better in some ways. I am just happy that I actually sought out support and will be speaking with a therapist on a regular basis throughout my pregnancy and afterwards. This board and people such as yourself provide immense support to me.
You're right, I haven't really processed the MC entirely.. and most likely a lot of this fear is stemming from that. When I saw the baby's heartbeat a few weeks ago I didn't even cry. I was shocked and amazed that I had actually made it that far! The MC was devastating but one thing I learned is that if I can make it through that (and it was an EARLY mc.. under 6 weeks.. blighted ovum actually) than I can make it through these ups and downs.
Wondering.. are you now no longer struggling with depression? And if you are then do you recover naturally or with meds? You don't have to answer of course. Thank you!

No, I have had two bouts with clinical depression. The first was in my late teens to early 20s and lasted about 5 years until I was experiencing crippling symptoms. I finally went to a therapist, and after less than two years on Zoloft with weekly counseling I was myself again.
The second time was about 7 years ago. I started to see the onset of depressive symptoms, but with immediate intervention I was able to avoid medication and get back to normal within 12 months of weekly counseling.
I never want to plummet to the depths I experienced in my earliest encounter with depression, so I treat it like most people handle any recurring physical illness like celiac disease or migraine headaches:

avoid triggers if possible
consciously monitor my health (thought processes, emotional reactions, and behavioral patterns whenever a triggering event occurs)
get help as soon as I see symptoms crop up

Although I do have a couple of depressive symptoms right now, they are minimal and possibly attributable to the anticipation of the chromosome screening. My therapist and I have chosen to monitor my progress especially now that I know Nugget is healthy as they may diminish. I have already decided that taking something like Wellbutrin that is generally safe for the baby in utero is definitely on the table should my symptoms progress. I know that my body isn't a good environment for her development if I'm depressed.
I'm going to start natural medication by walking our dog daily (triple whammy of getting exercise, being out in the sunlight for extra vitamin B, and pet therapy), and taking a couple of 5-minute sun breaks during my workday (I deserve a few minutes of sun just like my coworkers deserve a smoke). I also heard Omega-3s help alleviate depression, so I plan to eat 1-2 servings of fish weekly and possibly supplement with vitamins.
My wonderful husband (who has no experience with depression) has started doing everything that he heard my therapist say in our last session. He bought me books on CD to listen to during my long commute home (my job is... less than satisfying, and a good book pulls my attention away from it), and is planning to walk the dog with me after dinner. I told him a hug goes a long way toward relieving my stress (pumps out the oxytocin and lowers blood pressure) so we have a nice, long hug session as soon as I walk through the door each day. He's been so key to my emotional stability... got me a card last week telling me he loves all my parts after I had a little cry over my expanding waistline. :x He's dreamy like that. LOL
Just working my plan and rolling with the ups and downs of pregnancy keeping in the forefront of my mind all the while that I'm going to be a mommy! Can't wait to meet my sweet angel!!!!! O:-)
You can do it. Just keep your focus on the squirming little bundle of sweetness you get at the end! \:D/

happyturtle03 · September 2013

Glad my advice could help all the FTMs who responded so kindly!

Yes, this being my 3rd, I have a lot better handle on things, lol, and glad to share. This post has some good advice on this also https://forums.thebump.com/discussion/12059698/overwhelmed-with-planning#latest. It's really all about perspective as far as being overwhelmed. Babies really are simple little people, and they really just need basics. As long as you feed them, clothe them, keep them warm and safe, put them to bed in a safe place, and keep them buckled up properly when in the car, they are pretty reasonable about being happy with this.

Mostly baby needs you more than anything else. What's important is to keep yourself healthy. nixie321, I'm glad you are getting some help with your depression. I've battled it on and off since I was in my early teens. It is an ugly nasty beast and you have to work very hard to keep it from controlling your life. Make sure you find a good psychologist/psychiatrist that you can trust to manage this for you, and be open and honest with them at all times, stay on top of it, don't let it grow into something unmanageable before you do something about it, and don't ever be ashamed to get help. Whatever you and your Dr decide is best for you, go with it and just be proud that you had the guts to stand up for yourself and your baby against this ugly beast, because that's exactly what it is a nasty monster that will steal your life if you let it. You make the choice though, and you do have the strength within you to overcome it. I'm in recovery at the moment, doing well. My OB has me weaning from my antidepressant because it's not one of the best bets for pregnancy, and we'll see how I do. If I start feeling the need for it, I'll go to another that is more pregnancy approved. I keep in touch with my OB and my psychiatrist on it, and my hubby is very supportive too. Wishing you all the best, and everyone else too! Just remember to take one day at a time.

nixie321 · September 2013

Hey @happyturtle03 thank you for your advice and comments. I am feeling a little better the past few days. This week coming up I have a therapy appointment followed the next day by a genetics appointment, followed by a regular prenatal checkup at the end of the week. So, a lot of appointments coming up whereas to express the concerns or updates to the docs.

I am trying to journal more now these days because the fears and anxieties come and go quickly and sometimes it feels good to get it out. Lately I have been worried about the genetics appt. It will have been almost a month since I've had an U/S and I am so nervous to find something wrong such as no heartbeat, etc. But what can you do about it, right? I mean it's going to be what it's going to be and I am trying to prepare myself for so many different outcomes.

It's hard not to be all over the place, mentally speaking. But, so many women go through this and are successful and it can be done. And you are so right, it is all about perspective. All the best to you!

jenstowe75 · September 2013

Hang in there!!! Talk with your doc about feeling down and your struggle with depression over the years. Depression is like diabetes: just like diabetics don't secrete insulin like they need to, sometimes our brains don't secrete seratonin, etc like it needs to. The hormones and environmental changes in your life may have tipped the balance a bit for you. I have struggled with depression for years and take an SSRI. Now that I'm pregnant I need to adjust my Rx so I know that this will be a process and I know I can't go off the Rx completely (unless you enjoy train wrecks) and I just gotta hang in there and endure the transition. Can you do some light cardio like going walking outside? Sunlight and outdoors can do wonders.

happyturtle03 · September 2013

I love that you are journaling nixie321! What a great idea!

I was so very very nervous about my genetics appointment/screening with the perinatologist, but they really put me at ease when I went in and they were so nice. I left feeling very reassured that IF anything were wrong, this would give us the best possible chance to do everything we could to minimize any problems. As it turned out, all my tests came back great, the sono went perfectly, and it took a lot of worry off me. I really hope your appointment goes as smoothly and positively! Hugs!

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