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How to handle this?

agibbyagibby member
in Blended Families

SS, who is 5 by the way, was told by BM that "she doesn't get along with me" and another time "Why do you have to go back to her house?". We just got back from vacation this last time and  we were talking about the things we did when he said "I'm not going to tell my mom about vacation". I asked him why not and he told me that last time he was with her, she got mad at him when she overheard him on the phone talking to DH and SS asked to "talk to mom (me)". BM then got mad and sat him down, told him I am only the step-mom, and told him "to only think of having one mom".  I just told him I was sorry she said that to him, and that he could tell her whatever he wanted to tell her about his time with us. I also told him I loved being his step mom and he could call me whatever he felt comfortable calling me.

What do I say to the poor kid about this? He calls me mom, probably because I've been in his life since he was 1 (they divorced when he was almost 1), and all the other kids in the house call me mom. I don't know if I'll get flamed for this, but I don't see a problem with him calling me mom and I'm not going to correct him. Nor have I ever told him to call me that, he just started calling me mom last year. I have a step sister, who also did and still does call my mom. Mom.

We don't say anything to her about what he tells us anymore, because SS will get in trouble by BM for it. DH and I don't think that is right at all, so unless it is very important, we just document and talk it over with SS and then let it go. It had gotten to where SS will tell us something and then say "But don't tell my mom, ok".

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Re: How to handle this?

  • HopeforthebestHopeforthebest member

    Welcome to our life. Only at least yours will still talk. Ours only accidentally tell us stuff and then FREAK out when the realize they screwed up.

    No good advice just wanted to say I could relate.

    Sounds like you have a great relationship with kids. That is all that really matters in the end.

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  • agibbyagibby member

    Why oh why do some parents do that to their kids? We work hard on keeping the lines of communication open with all the kids, so we make sure and tell SS that we won't tell BM anything he tells us unless 1. he asks us to or 2. we think it's too important not to say something. I've got one who is almost a teen so I try oh so hard to keep that kid talking to me! lol

     

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  • redrae78redrae78 member
    I feel for you.  BM (and sadly my own MIL too) constantly told my SS that I am "just the step mom" and that I don't have any authority and he doesn't have to follow my rules.  Now that we have him full time it is very hard getting him to listen to me.  He has thrown it in my face several times that I am just his SM and that he only has to listen to Daddy.
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  • agibbyagibby member
    ugh, that's terrible. I sincerely hope she will not fill him with those thoughts. DH talks to SS whenever things like this come up to make sure SS knows how important we all are to this family.
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  • CFjo2010CFjo2010 member
    I feel for you, we have a very similar issue with K.  I have been in her life since before she turned 2, and she's now going to be 8 in a few months.  When we first got married she wanted to call me "mom" and I told her to call me whatever she's comfortable with, and I'll answer to it.  She calls BM "mommy" and wanted to call me "mama" and DH and I told her it was her choice.  K came to us crying one day shortly thereafter and said that BM told her she couldn't call me "mama" and that I'm not K's mom and that I'll never love K like a mother should.  Why would you tell a 4 year old that?  Why?  My heart broke for K.  BM also tells K that my parents aren't really K's grandparents, and that my family only "pretends" to care about K.  It's really hard to hear sometimes.

    I can tell you that over the years K has picked up on some things and has started figuring things out on her own.  She calls me "Mama Jo" and tells people she has 2 moms.  She refers to my children as her brother and sister, despite BM's insistence that K call them her Step-brother and step-sister.  There has been a lot of struggle and turmoil that last few years, and I think K has picked up on the lack of hostility DH and I have around and regarding BM.  We hide it very well.  Unfortunately BM is very vocal with K how she feels towards us.  

    As PP said, all you can really do is reinforce to SS that you love and care about him.  Encourage him to be open and to not keep secrets between households.  SS should never feel like he can't share things with BM.  If he ever starts to tell you about something that happens at BM's house, engage him and make him feel comfortable sharing with you.  That will (hopefully) help him feel like he's "allowed" to feel happy about experiences he shares with BM, and therefore he's "allowed" to feel good about experiences he shares with you and DH. 


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  • agibbyagibby member
    Oh that is so sad that K would be put through that! My parents and grandparents jumped right in to being SS's papaw and meemaw and greats and SS loves them like that. I sure hope he doesn't start hearing things like that. I just can't see how a parent would think that is healthy for their child. THanks for the advice, we try our best to make sure SS feels good about sharing whatever he wants to share with BM, and with us.
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  • agibbyagibby member
    edited August 2013
    SS did take a picture to BM's home of him with his brothers and sisters, and recently told me that BM threw it away :(  We let him have one of her in his room, I mean, it's his mom so I expect it.  It's just so sad what people do to their kids.
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  • CFjo2010CFjo2010 member
    agibby said:
    SS did take a picture to BM's home of him with his brothers and sisters, and recently told me that BM threw it away :(  We let him have one of her in his room, I mean, it's his mom so I expect it.  It's just so sad what people do to their kids.

    Yes, this is an issue we've had also.  K has a picture of her and BM that she wanted to keep in her room at our house.  We told her it was totally fine and took her to pick out a frame for it.  She tried taking photos to BM's and they were promptly "lost".  Again, all you can really do is be the parent you wish BM would be.
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  • Lavender PLavender P member
    We have had issues of 'lost' photos too. SS took pictures of us with his DSI and next time he came back they were all deleted. We even bought him a kid's camera and he took it to BMs never to be seen again. Funny enough, when SS came to visit me in the hospital after having DS he brought BM's personal camera to take pictures. I think she was just being most and wanted to intrude on our personal space and see the pictures of me in the hospital.

    As to the OP, I'm sorry your SS is going through that. My SS has been told he can't talk about us or our family a his mom's house. What these moms don't realize is that they are actually closing the door to communication in the future and it will just hurt them. We always try to let SS know that he is welcome to talk to us about whatever he wants and that he is loved. Not sure I have any advice but hang in there!
    "Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." ~ Lao Tzu
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  • SimpleJaneSimpleJane member
    I've always been open here in my belief that Mom and Dad should be reserved for the bioparents unless the bioparent is pretty much out of the picture and the SP is the one holding the responsibilities of raising the child. It's disrespectful to the mother and father IMO.

    Being in SS life since he was a year old does make this a bit more understandable, however you must understand it was probably pretty hurtful for BM to hear her son calling somebody else Mom. I know it would be hurtful to me, and I know XH would be hurt if they called someone else Dad too. I think we would both feel disrespected.

    I'm not saying she handled it perfectly, obviously making SS feel like he can't share things that happen in your home is a horrible thing. I don't know what I would do in the same situation though, especially if it caught me off guard. I can see myself saying something about me being his Mom, and her being the step mom, and even though she was a parent figure that deserves respect, I am his mother. That's kind of how I explained it when DD started absent mindedly calling J Dad. He deserves respect, he is a parental figure, he loves her, but she already has a Dad. She calls him 'My J' now instead. A term of endearment, but not Dad.
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  • twister22twister22 member
    SimpleJane said:
    I've always been open here in my belief that Mom and Dad should be reserved for the bioparents unless the bioparent is pretty much out of the picture and the SP is the one holding the responsibilities of raising the child. It's disrespectful to the mother and father IMO. Being in SS life since he was a year old does make this a bit more understandable, however you must understand it was probably pretty hurtful for BM to hear her son calling somebody else Mom. I know it would be hurtful to me, and I know XH would be hurt if they called someone else Dad too. I think we would both feel disrespected. I'm not saying she handled it perfectly, obviously making SS feel like he can't share things that happen in your home is a horrible thing. I don't know what I would do in the same situation though, especially if it caught me off guard. I can see myself saying something about me being his Mom, and her being the step mom, and even though she was a parent figure that deserves respect, I am his mother. That's kind of how I explained it when DD started absent mindedly calling J Dad. He deserves respect, he is a parental figure, he loves her, but she already has a Dad. She calls him 'My J' now instead. A term of endearment, but not Dad.
    DS(4.5) calls both BD and DH "Daddy," but BD is 110% okay with it. BD is CO'd EOWE, but takes less than 50% of those weekends, and is very inconsistent. BD has stated that he is so glad that DS has DH, because BD knows that he's not a good dad so he's grateful that DH has stepped up and filled that role. BD has also said that if something were to happen to me, that he would want DH to maintain custody of DS with BD just visiting. BD is also allowing us to change DS's name to DH's last name. Lastly, and most importantly, DS started calling DH "Daddy" on his own, and we actually discouraged him from doing so at first, because I didn't want to disrespect BD.

    If DS ever called anyone else a mom title, I would be very hurt. Hypocritical? Maybe.

    Now, I definitely don't agree with the way BM handled the situation, and the way she acts in general. She sounds very selfish and immature, and SS will see right through it down the road.

    I do think your SS is a very lucky little boy for having such an awesome SM. It says a lot that he wants to call you by a mom title.

    The whole mom/dad title with SP's is definitely a sticky situation, and one to be handled with care. 
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  • agibbyagibby member
    edited August 2013

    I get that there are feelings there from the BM. I'm not sure how I would handle it if I was in her situation. I guess with SS's situation being with us every other week, being around 3 other children that call me mom, and me being in his life since he was 1, I don't think it calls for BM to make him feel bad about it. I don't see it as a big deal, I can see he wants to fit in at our house with his brothers and sisters.

    DH and I talked over how he would feel if SS started calling BM's new husband dad. DH would feel bad, more because SF was a big part in breaking up their marriage, but DH said he would never make SS feel bad about something SS felt comfortable with. We have talked with SS about what he calls BM and he said he calls her mommy and me mom.

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  • agibbyagibby member

    "The whole mom/dad title with SP's is definitely a sticky situation, and one to be handled with care."

    We try  :)

    DH and I try to live our lives keeping SS's feelings first, as we feel SS needs to be the focus in all this. DH tries his best to keep his relationship with BM almost business-like as to not get sucked into her emotional tirades, and never wants SS to feel like he has to choose between his dad or mom. I hate that BM makes SS feel like that, but all I can do is tell SS he can do what he feels comfortable doing. I went into this relationship with DH with the hopes of having a decent relationship with BM, but the lies, anger issues and using SS as her pawn has unfortunately dashed all those hopes. The only contact I ever have with her is if I drop off or pick up SS from her, which isn't often. Otherwise, she refuses to even talk to me.  It's sad all around.

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