What do you say? (loss mentioned)

wishtonight · August 2013

My cousin's daughter just passed away from cancer, she was only 12 years old. She fought long and hard for almost 2 years and in the end doctors said she was no longer responding to any type of treatment, there was nothing they could do for her anymore. I'm absolutely heartbroken for my cousin and cannot imagine the pain she is going through right now.

I just found out today from my mom that she passed away yesterday, the same day we brought Isabella home. The funeral is on Friday and I'm at a complete loss at what to say to my cousin when I see her. What do you say to someone who's just lost their child? How do you even begin to try to comfort them?

We named Isabella in honor of her brave and strong little girl (Isabel), but now I'm kind of thinking she might take it the wrong way and possibly be insulted. Am I over thinking it? My heart hurts for her so so much right now.

Mc_Newlywed · August 2013

If you're planning to be at the funeral I would try and find a time where you can talk to her in private before hand. Just let her know what you said to us - that it's hard for you to find the words but that you want to comfort her and offer support. And that you thought her daughter was brave and strong and to honor her you named your own daughter Isabella.

Do NOT take it personally if she freaks out. Grief does weird things to people. Just let her know if a private place so that she can process what you've said and not have people staring at her or judging her reaction. It might come as a shock to think about someone else having "her" Isabel and she might freak. Of course, she may love the idea and be gracious and thankful. You just never know.

And do not take the baby to the funeral if you can help it. Normally I say that tiny babies are ok at funerals but I don't think this is appropriate. It'll be too hard on the parents to watch people congratulate you when their own daughter is gone.

My sympathies to your family. What a heartbreak.

Minipenguin · August 2013

I'm so sorry for your loss. I wouldn't know what to say, either. Just let her know you are there if she needs anything. Honestly, I don't think there is anything you can say. Definitely explain the baby name but I'm not sure if the funeral is the right place for that. And I agree with PPs. Don't bring the baby to the funeral if it is at all avoidable.

graciesmurf · August 2013

Are you able to send food? Something light like fruit or cheese. I know that could be tough to manage with a new baby, but she's probably not cooking and she could possibly have a lot of company. People often focus on the emotional aspect of grieving, but there are a lot of logistics surrounding it too.

If I were you I would not take Isabella to the funeral at all. Even if that meant not attending.

Send a card telling her that you love her, and you love Isabel and will miss her terribly. In the card mention how you named your daughter to honor Isabel's memory. That way, she can get the message privately and can process it however she wants. If she wants to be pissed off at how unfair it is, than she doesn't have to feel pressured to put on the "thank you" face. If she wants to be so grateful that she smiles, than she doesn't have to deal with feeling ashamed that other people saw her happy about something. If she doesn't know how to feel, than she has time to figure it out or ignore it without you standing there waiting for a response.

I cannot imagine that kind of loss. I truly am sorry.

wishtonight · August 2013

Thank you so much for all of your advice ladies. I appreciate all of your thoughts as well.

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