Parenting selfishness?

palma44 · August 2013

We all know that our priorities change the second we become parents, one of mine that I feel has changed significantly recently is being selfish with my time and what I enjoy doing with my family. Pre child, DH and I enjoyed going up to our family cottage on the lake in norther Michigan, now my parents ask us constantly to come up and bring our 15 month DD. The cottage sits on a hill that leads right to a lake. I don't want to take DD there, I would have to be on top of her the whole weekend between the hill, the lake, and the constant camp fires, so we don't go.

Another thing we once enjoyed, just hanging out at our friends down the street and drinking in the front yard while their older children all ran around and played together. They still want us to do that and bring DD. Well she cannot play with the older children, she would constantly want to run into the road, and it is just not fun for my family like it is the others. So, we don't do it anymore.

Does anyone else get where I am coming from with only wanting to do things that are going to be fun and easy for my family? Not going to all the trouble, work, and frustration to do things that were once fun? I don't know if I'm making these things a bigger deal than they need to be, but I feel like I am at a point where if it isn't enjoyable for me and my family, we aren't doing it.

zbeesma86 · August 2013

I understand what you are saying but perhaps try out these things before thinking they could be bad- for instance you said you used to hang with the neighbors down the street while their children played and ran around-- maybe DD would see the other kids and want to play with them? Or even going to your family cottage- would your parents would help keep an eye on her as well?

I want DD to experience things that I like and enjoy- we go to the pool and the beach and hang out with neighbors with kids and DD does surprisingly well! We have some "don't eat sand" bouts, but DD is only a year old. Obviously I have to watch her, but with DH there we can tag team and still have fun with our neighbors and friends. PLUS I'm with other moms who help keep an eye out as well.

I'd say enjoy things you like and allow DD to experience them with you and your family! You may be surprised by how she acts or reacts to a situation! Missing out on the fun and such may come off as resenting DD in the future.

JENandJEH · August 2013

We still do the things we did before DS2 came along that we enjoyed...they may be tougher now and a bit more stressful for us but I would rather him grow up doing those things/learning boundaries/rules instead of just waiting until he's older and then having to teach boundaries/rules.

Like the beach....after kids, going to the beach is as far from relaxing as it can get but we still love going and have gone since DS1 was 5 months old. After the first couple of times, we figured out a good system for us and now we have a blast even though we're not laying around relaxing.

I would give the neighborhood gatherings a try. Just because your child is a toddler doesn't mean that there won't be another older child who won't love to play with her for a bit. Do you never play outside with her? Even when it's just DS1 & DS2 playing, I have to keep DS2 from running into the street or doing other things that would hurt him. And like PP said, when there are other moms around, everyone generally keeps and eye out for everyone which can be such a nice thing! The whole, "it takes a village" saying comes to mind.

Give the cottage a try one weekend. You don't know how it's going to be until you're there and experience it. I'm sure her grandparents would love to have her there and dote on her and you may be surprised at how much fun you have even while staying on top of her.

kalette · August 2013

Go to the lake cottage! We have one too and have been taking LO all summer. She has a great time and its nit as hard as I was afraid it would be.

DawnLilly · August 2013

My mom and dad also live on a lake in northern Michigan. It's also on a hill. They are 30 min away and we are usually out there twice a month. A lot of times we stay in the back yard and fill a kiddy pool for DS. Everyone keeps an eye on him. When we are down by the lake he's either in the water with us or on the pontoon boat playing with toys so that he can't just dive in by himself. We have a strict rule that before we even go down there he has to have his life jacket on and it doesn't come off until we go back up.

Could your neighbors possibly come to your house with their kids? We have had a few bonfires this year and the kids play outside until 9 then I put DS to bed and the older kids eat popcorn and watch movies while we sit around the fire. One of us parents check on them periodically and most of the time they end up falling asleep. Sometimes everyone stays and we make a big breakfast in the morning.

Lemmon_ade12 · August 2013

I would agree with PPs that the best way to figure out if it's really going to be a problem is to at least try these things once, even in a modified sense. While there are definitely activities I tend to opt out of if they are going to be overly difficult with a toddler, I also know that there are things that the extra effort will be worth. I want DS to get out and experience things!

jnnfrrose6 · August 2013

Both things you listed involve other people who want to spend time with you AND your family. Just voice your concern about having to keep an eye on your LO the whole time and I'm sure you'll get plenty of volunteers to help you relax. Honestly, what you described doesn't sound selfish, it sounds like you don't trust anyone else to help you keep an eye on your kid.

sunnyday016 · August 2013

LalaMama81 said:

Having a 15 month old in general isn't easy. But if you never take her, how will she learn? If my parents had a lake house close by, I'd go every weekend! But, my kids have always loved the water and have been around campfires since a young age. More or less we do most of the same things, we just have different expectations and we make plans so that we are set up for success.

This is pretty much what we do. There are some situations we avoid of course (mainly like sit-down restaurants) but we take DS along just about everywhere. Your DD would probably have a blast at the lake and also would enjoy running around with the kids in the neighborhood. My son loves both of those things.

kcisthebombdotcom · August 2013

I've taken my kids to places like this since they were small. I do think its silly to not go to family outings because its going to be more work for you. People will help out with lo so its not going to be nearly as bad as you envision.

skibunny59 · August 2013

I think it's silly to not go places with your LO because it's going to be more work for you. Honestly, isn't everything with kids more work? I find that simple outings like the playground are a lot of work but I still do it because even though it's work it is also fun and it's good for LO and for YOU to get out and do stuff. If mom's had the mentality of "Oh, I'm not going to do this because it's more work." than they would be cooped up in the house every day with their kids and never go out. Just doesn't make sense to me.

Also, if your family is at the lake cottage they will most likely be thrilled to spend time with your LO and help you. My family has a beach house that we go to every weekend. My parents, aunts, uncles, and cousins are so excited to see DD that they usually are fighting over who is going to watch her and run after her.

FemShep · August 2013

OP, I think you're being both pessimistic and selfish. I get being exhausted; in many ways, this stage of childhood (the suicide prevention years!) is the most difficult. But as other PPs have said, if you never take your LO out, she'll never learn.

I'd be honest with your family about your concerns about the lake cottage, and ask them for extra help. They keep asking you because they miss you and your family, and want to spend time with you. Tell them you're concerned about LO getting into lots of hazards, ask them for help, and talk it over with your partner as well. You might find that they are so excited to see you and LO that you end up with extra free time!

For the lawn drinking event, is there an older kid who might like to be your helper for LO? And keep in mind that you don't have to stay all night. Your friends miss you and want to see you again-go for a drink, enlist help, and have fun.

MagickalNarwhal · August 2013

I say give both a try but honestly I'm with you. My family is supremely unhelpful when we hang out so I'm cautious to pick visit spots that are relatively easy for me to manage. With friends I do think it's worth a bit of extra effort but not SO much extra effort that it's actively unpleasant and you won't enjoy it anyway.

Yeah toddlers make everything harder. Connections are important though. I guess I think of it like grocery shopping... I'm not going to leisurely browse at the fancy market or go every other day just because some snack food sounds good. But I do need groceries. So I'll be planful with when I go and I'll try my best to set my kid up for success. And, I know if it's really awful, I can leave the store and send my partner after the kids go to bed

Jen0204 · August 2013

I would go to your parent's house. Like others have said, your child won't learn if you don't teach her. Make a plan for how to minimize risk and then teach her. For example, if the door is normally left open (since you mentioned being concerned about the hill) can you bring a gate for it? If your parents are eager for you to come I'm sure they'll help out.

I'm always a little anxious before doing something new with the girls, but without fail it always works out much better then I expected.

kristen714 · August 2013

I feel exactly the same way. My DH and I have this conversation frequently. We were always the accommodating ones and now we aren't. I know people get annoyed with us, but I don't care.

EMOmamma · August 2013

My son was a runner. It was so hard to go to anything when he was about 12m-20m (plus I was quite pregnant/had a newborn). It'll get better but give yourself a chance. Also, try to work something out with your H where you take turns being "on" with LO - like you each get an hour to just hang out while the other one chases.

I may be reading too much into it but it also sounds like you might be a bit depressed. Not wanting to do things you used to and thinking you won't be happy again are big red flags. It may be worth it to talk to someone or look into medications (if it's an imbalance or something).

sunnyday016 · August 2013

I'll also throw in that I tend to think that staying home ends up being MORE stressful for us, because DS is a busy body and loves trying new things & being very active. If we were to stay here all day, we would all go stir crazy and be miserable. So the extra work of getting out and doing things is worth it to me if that means we're all happier.

bluejetta · August 2013

My recent example is that it is different, and a bit stressful, but in the end worth it. My mom and aunt rent a lake cottage for two weeks every summer. Last year DD was 10 months old and we stayed two nights nearby - she slept OK and was easy to contain. This year she is 23 months and we spent three nights which was about her max -- she enjoyed the lake, a nearby kids museum and park. My mom and Aunt helped entertain her. It was exhausting since she didn't sleep/eat as well but I think it was worth it for us, her and my extended family. We got over being tired etc.

allardr · August 2013

Try them out! Just have different expectations. Like at your neighbors maybe only you or DH drink so the other is on top of their game, but you can still totally enjoy spending time with everyone. The only thing I avoid more is outings after bedtime. On special occasions I totally don't mind, we had a family reunion most recently and she did great pushing naps back and staying out til 8:30pm (normal bedtime 6:30pm). But on an everyday occasion I plan around it and plan to be home around bedtime best I can.

kdjudd · August 2013

I don't think you are being selfish, but I do feel like you are allowing fear to rule your life. My daughter is very high needs and there have been many times where going out in public has been a disaster. In fact, when she was first born I was sure that my life was over and I would never be able to leave the house again. However, the more we get her out and let her experience the world, the better she gets! Get out there and stretch yourself out of your comfort zone. I don't think you will regret it.

JoAnna914 · August 2013

I think some folks are being a bit hard on you, OP. It is incredibly stressful taking your kid outside of your comfort zone to places where you 1) don't have any control over the relative safety/toddler-proofing of the environment, and 2) may not get any extra help in said non-toddler-proofed environment. I have cancelled an entire vacation in the past year because it was less stressful for me to go to work and send my child to daycare every day so that I could keep my routine and my kid relatively safe. We go over to my in-laws' house much less frequently now because they have a pool that is right off the back of their home with no gate or fence, their house is a complete cluttered disaster with things that my 20-month-old will definitely kill himself on (um, exposed extension cords, bottles of prescriptions meds everywhere, and god knows what else!), and my in-laws simply cannot keep up with my son and are not reliable as "extra help". So as much as my son loves the pool, it's really not any fun for my husband and I, and stressful for my son because he literally has no freedom. So as you can see, I get where you're coming from. We do other things instead, such as spending days at the beach - aside from the ocean, there isn't a lot of trouble for my boy to get into, and he LOVES the sand, and so do we :-) It's very easy for my husband and I to take turns attending to him while the other gets to read, nap, whatever. Same thing with parks, especially those with playgrounds for little ones. And we like to bring friends/family with us - that's how we stay connected.

It's ok to not do the same things you did before your LO came along. It won't be like this forever - in fact, things may get easier sooner than you think! Spend your time doing things where the stress/fun ratio is low, and make sure you invite those you care about to tag along so that you don't isolate yourselves.

skibunny59 · August 2013

JoAnna914 said:

I think some folks are being a bit hard on you, OP. It is incredibly stressful taking your kid outside of your comfort zone to places where you 1) don't have any control over the relative safety/toddler-proofing of the environment, and 2) may not get any extra help in said non-toddler-proofed environment. I have cancelled an entire vacation in the past year because it was less stressful for me to go to work and send my child to daycare every day so that I could keep my routine and my kid relatively safe. We go over to my in-laws' house much less frequently now because they have a pool that is right off the back of their home with no gate or fence, their house is a complete cluttered disaster with things that my 20-month-old will definitely kill himself on (um, exposed extension cords, bottles of prescriptions meds everywhere, and god knows what else!), and my in-laws simply cannot keep up with my son and are not reliable as "extra help". So as much as my son loves the pool, it's really not any fun for my husband and I, and stressful for my son because he literally has no freedom. So as you can see, I get where you're coming from. We do other things instead, such as spending days at the beach - aside from the ocean, there isn't a lot of trouble for my boy to get into, and he LOVES the sand, and so do we :-) It's very easy for my husband and I to take turns attending to him while the other gets to read, nap, whatever. Same thing with parks, especially those with playgrounds for little ones. And we like to bring friends/family with us - that's how we stay connected.

It's ok to not do the same things you did before your LO came along. It won't be like this forever - in fact, things may get easier sooner than you think! Spend your time doing things where the stress/fun ratio is low, and make sure you invite those you care about to tag along so that you don't isolate yourselves.

LalaMama81 said:

JoAnna914 said:

I think some folks are being a bit hard on you, OP. It is incredibly stressful taking your kid outside of your comfort zone to places where you 1) don't have any control over the relative safety/toddler-proofing of the environment, and 2) may not get any extra help in said non-toddler-proofed environment. I have cancelled an entire vacation in the past year because it was less stressful for me to go to work and send my child to daycare every day so that I could keep my routine and my kid relatively safe.

I can't believe you cancelled a trip. That just seems crazy to me. Unless it was like a scuba diving trip or something out there.

As stated by almost everyone - yes it's more work, yes it's different - but incredibly stressful? worth not visiting family or canceling trips? That is what seems over the top to me.

I agree. I just don't understand not doing things like going on vacation just because it is more work. I knew a family like this though in real life. Didn't want anymore than one child because it was too much work. Never went on vacation because it was too much work. Never even went out to dinner or over to friends' homes because it was too much work. Etc.

JoAnna914 · August 2013

LalaMama81 said:

JoAnna914 said:

I think some folks are being a bit hard on you, OP. It is incredibly stressful taking your kid outside of your comfort zone to places where you 1) don't have any control over the relative safety/toddler-proofing of the environment, and 2) may not get any extra help in said non-toddler-proofed environment. I have cancelled an entire vacation in the past year because it was less stressful for me to go to work and send my child to daycare every day so that I could keep my routine and my kid relatively safe.

I can't believe you cancelled a trip. That just seems crazy to me. Unless it was like a scuba diving trip or something out there.

As stated by almost everyone - yes it's more work, yes it's different - but incredibly stressful? worth not visiting family or canceling trips? That is what seems over the top to me.

Believe it - totally cancelled it and I am completely unapologetic about that. It involved a nine-hour drive, and a house that wasn't my own with all of the attendant unknowns. Along with some other major life stressors that were going on at that time, DH and I decided that it was not worth being that stressed out on my hard-earned vacation, so I saved the vacation days to use at another time doing something else when I could enjoy it more. It's ok if you don't get it - I don't need you to ;-)

violajack · August 2013

I feel the need to chime in on the it's-too-much-stress idea. I'm glad some of you have such an easy time of things that you don't understand the so-stressful-it-overwhlems-any-sense-of-fun-or-adventure situation that some others have described, but it's real. I'm a stay at home mom with a DH who works crazy hours and no family on this side of the country. All of my friends have kids of their own, so there is no one I can just dump DS on to get a break. Ever. I also have an early walker. DS has been fully mobile and running away from me and into trouble since he was 9.5 months old. He still doesn't stop or come back when called (oh the joys of physical development coming before verbal skills), which means I get all of 2 minutes to sit and drink coffee at the playground before having to get up and grab him before he gets run over by big kids, or kicked in the head by kids on swings, or climbs higher on the play structure than he can safely get down from, or just climbs over the fence to leave. Going out to non-baby-proofed places is not my idea of a good time. I'll do it if other factors outweigh the stress and level of work it will be for me to care for a toddler, but that doesn't make it any less stressful. And it certainly wouldn't count as a break or a vacation for me to continue in my 24/7 childcare duties in a different, and harder to control, location. We have traveled and gone on plenty of vacations as long as I can maintain relative control over the environment to keep DS safe. I love the pp who called this phase "the suicide prevention years."

I can think things will be sunshine and rainbows and quiet conversations with friends over lunch all day long, but in reality, the last time we tried to go out with some friends to a place with no high chairs (on a whim after church, so I didn't have the folding clip on chair), despite DH saying he would totally hold DS on his lap, I ended up at a table by myself, wrestling a toddler on my lap, trying to eat what I could while DS tried to throw my plate on the ground, while DH chatted with friends. No matter how much he promises to keep DS, I inevitably end up with him.

Everyone has different thresholds for what they are willing to put up with. If the stress or workload of a situation outweighs the benefits, it's not worth it. Period. Your sanity as a parent and a person matters too.

https://www.theonion.com/articles/mom-spends-beach-vacation-assuming-all-household-d,33431/

hopefulmom81 · August 2013

I kind of get what you are saying, but in the long term your life will be easier with a flexible child. I would say live with short term annoyance/discomfort now for the future easy life.

PetuniaFeatherbottom · August 2013

Get a leash. I'm kidding. Sort of. No, I know what you mean. I remember having lots of fun before kids. Now it's different fun. I had a small family growing up. 4 cousins total, all local . I married a guy with 40 cousins all over the country. Now we travel more than I ever did, and with kids it's different but kind of a fun challenge. Start small, with maybe hanging with neighbors in a fenced yard, and go from there. Also you might want to look into local mom groups and attend events with them. Good luck!

capulet · August 2013

Everyone has different thresholds for what they are willing to put up with. If the stress or workload of a situation outweighs the benefits, it's not worth it. Period. Your sanity as a parent and a person matters too.

https://www.theonion.com/articles/mom-spends-beach-vacation-assuming-all-household-d,33431/

I think this sums up my perspective, and I say that as someone who is relatively adventurous about where I take my kids (especially when I just had one!). We are comfortable taking our kids on road trips, to restaurants, to DH's family's lake house, and that works for our lifestyle and the way our kids behave (relatively well), but it's such a personal combination of your kids' temperament and whether you find supervising kids on what would ordinarily be a fun outing stressful enough to suck all the fun out of it.

I do think, though, if I didn't take risks occasionally and take my kids into what would can be enjoyable but also difficult places to visit, I would go stir crazy. We take our kids to the sort of places we went before we were parents (as appropriate, obviously) because I, for one, already tied to the kids 24/7 as a SAHM, don't want to give up doing the things I used to enjoy. And also, we're helping our kids learn how to behave in certain situations and (for DD at least) to create her earliest memories of time spent with family. So for me taking our kids places is often what keeps me sane, and it's something I see as part of their growth. But you have to assess whether doing those sort of things is a net positive for both you and your kids.

Want a personalized experience?

Parenting selfishness?

Re: Parenting selfishness?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards