Where are you in your childless/childfree:nbc acceptance?

avioletsky · August 2013

I guess I'm thinking of this as a continuum. As in, on a scale of 1-10, where are you in this journey.

1. Totally not accepting Chilfree: NBC - Thinking of ways to keep trying, adopt, foster/adopt

2-4

5. Accepted it as reality but still dealing with major bouts of depression over the loss of the dream. Maybe playing around with the idea of how to still fulfill the dream but likely won't act on it.

6-9

10. Total acceptance of the Childfree: NBC life. Rare moments of "I wish it had been different." But you and your partner are living life to the fullest despite the fact that having a child "wasn't in the cards" for your family.

It's just such a journey and process to move from the high hopes that many of us once had onto the reality that the dream of parenthood may/will never come true. I know this recent pregnancy/loss really through me for a loop. For the last few years, my husband and I were really in the acceptance stage of childfree. We were probably around a 9. Then this totally unexpected pregnancy came along and it actually took us a bit to get used to the idea. We were shocked. Eventually we became excited at the (seeming) miracle and that I was carrying longer than ever before. When they couldn't find the heartbeat and the baby hadn't grown, my husband actually became angry. It was like a sick joke, as if all this was to get our hopes up and then just drag our hearts back through the mud.

There are days now, more than ever, where I think I'll be Childfree: NBC. I am very happy with my husband. We have our 3 wonderful furbabies. I would say that these last few months knocked me from a 9 on the continuum down to a 6.5-7. Ultimately, it did have a huge impact.

I'm putting this out there as a discussion topic because I need to process it. I just don't have others to process this with.

DO NOT POST SYMPATHY! I want to know YOUR take and where YOU are on the childless/childfree:NBC. I've had enough sympathy emails, letters, posts, hugs and tears to last me a lifetime. I'm asking for your experience and your personal journey if you are willing to share. Heck, if you have a better scale rating, let me know.

Mrs.McIrish · August 2013

I'm probably a 5. I'm 6 months out from my m/c which was the only time I was ever pg. It came during our 6th round of IVf and 2nd round trying donor eggs. Some days I still cannot process that I could not even have a baby using donor eggs. It seems like everyone else I "knew" found success with DE. I have more good days than bad days now but stuff still comes up to knock me back down. I avoid kids as much as possible, decline baby shower/first birthday type of events. We're done with treatment unless we win Powerball... I still ovulate each month so I do track this in case a miracle wanted to take place. But I don't get upset when AF shows up. She has always shown up so I'm used to it. I'm turning 40 on Sunday so I know that we will most likely always be CFNBC.

avioletsky · August 2013

wickedsugar said:

Most days a 9 or 10, however some days are a 5, esp. when getting lapped by ladies that I started on TTCAL with. To me an unexpected pregnancy would not be good, it would lead to kidney failure.

I can relate to that feeling of dropping down. Having been the first married couple of our group of friends, they have all gone on to have babies. I'm temp staying with friends and their 18 month old and tomorrow we are headed to our mutual friend's son's first birthday party. Of course, all of our other mutual friends will be there (we are all really close from high school and even though we live all over the U.S. at this point we still stay in touch) with their babies! I'm pretty sure there will be 6 to 8 kids under 3.

How long have you been a part of the TTCAL board? I used to frequent TTCAL / Snarky T-TTC back in 2007-2009. Beyond that I just couldn't handle being on there any more. Honestly, I don't remember people on the board from then anyway. I couldn't take hanging around as nothing was happening.

@Mrs.McIrish - I have seen what my cousin has gone through (8 years of infertility) and I just couldn't take myself down that path. She has her embryos frozen and is hoping for a successful transfer in the future (is that how it's phrased?). It is just a disgusting roller coaster.

I am VERY selective with any baby showers that I go to. Honestly, I hated them before all this mess. But now, I have a really hard time being happy for someone at a shower if it was easy for them to procreate. (Yay! Let's celebrate your working ute / body!) Makes me feel like I'm some sort of jerk.

LaTi07 · August 2013

I bounce around. A lot. There are days where I'm a good solid 8 and just ready to live my life. Like when we're planning vacations and our future and all the things we're going to do.

Then I have moments where I'm a total 2. I think that's to be expected as our journey took a massive nose dive at the end of May so it's still quite fresh. I think my biggest frustration stems from the fact that we didn't get very far in the IF treatment thing before the plug was pulled by the docs. It was just too dangerous to continue.

It also doesn't help that we're 29 and pretty much all our friends either have kids or are having them. There have been 7 babies born in the years we've been trying in my family alone and everyone keeps saying "In God's time." As if my body will randomly decide to start working and a pg will just occur. I feel like I get baby shower invitations monthly now.

Nova726 · August 2013

It depends on the day, but I think I'm usually around a 6 or 7. I think I'm usually so bad because DH and I have never had a real sit-down serious talk about it and discussed it with each other that the TTC is over. All I'd ever dreamed of was motherhood and always felt like the dragging my ass to work and the long days would be worth it because I'd be coming home to my family. Now I come home and (DH works nights so he gets up around the same time I go to bed) it's mostly me and the dog and I feel like I question everything now... why are we in such a big house if we don't have family to fill it? Maybe I should go back to school and find a career path that I like more?

Sorry, you'll have to excuse me, AF is here and I guess I'm having a 5 day.

Nova726 · August 2013

@thekikimonster hope you're having a better day today.

I'm totally having a 2 day myself.

Nova726 · August 2013

Nah, but thanks, I'll keep you in mind if I need to call in the big guns. I'm just overtired which is adding the misery and getting me more depressed, of course the baby announcements on FB don't help, I still can't bring myself to hide people. (wtf is wrong with me, just DO IT)

What's NTNP?

Nova726 · August 2013

Gotcha that totally makes sense.

avioletsky · August 2013

@thekikimonster - NTNP is what we had been for awhile with this latest loss. That's what smacked me down from those higher CF is ok with us (8-9's) and wavering around a 5-7.

I'd love to bug you about the uterine uplift. When I have decent insurance again, I want to approach it with my doctor. I've heard it can help with heavy painful periods.

avioletsky · August 2013

Nova726 said:

It depends on the day, but I think I'm usually around a 6 or 7. I think I'm usually so bad because DH and I have never had a real sit-down serious talk about it and discussed it with each other that the TTC is over. All I'd ever dreamed of was motherhood and always felt like the dragging my ass to work and the long days would be worth it because I'd be coming home to my family. Now I come home and (DH works nights so he gets up around the same time I go to bed) it's mostly me and the dog and I feel like I question everything now... why are we in such a big house if we don't have family to fill it? Maybe I should go back to school and find a career path that I like more?
Sorry, you'll have to excuse me, AF is here and I guess I'm having a 5 day.

I definitely won't steer you away from a new career path. I had a mini-meltdown/life crisis/nervous breakdown this past spring and I am currently doing a complete overhaul of my career. I spent most of it in social services and now I am pursuing my dream of becoming a massage therapist. I chickened out a few years ago and didn't go for it. I'm in my 4th week and loving it.

Like you, when it comes to the house. I am leaning on selling ours and renting from here on out. If there are no kids in the picture for us, I want to be a lot more mobile. Live different places, travel and experience as much as possible. If I had kids, I know I'd want to settle in a place so they could make friends and be a part of the community for long lengths of time. I want to shake everything up.

avioletsky · August 2013

LaTi07 said:

It also doesn't help that we're 29 and pretty much all our friends either have kids or are having them. There have been 7 babies born in the years we've been trying in my family alone and everyone keeps saying "In God's time." As if my body will randomly decide to start working and a pg will just occur. I feel like I get baby shower invitations monthly now.

If I could smack every person who said "In God's Time..." or anything along those lines, I would be sooooo happy.

KingLED · August 2013

AshleySmith2121 said:

[content edited by mod]

Why are you here?

LaTi07 · August 2013

AshleySmith2121 said:

[content edited by mod]

Well if "His" plan is to allow drug addicts and sexual predators to procreate then mabye "He" should take a strong look at what "He" is creating now shouldn't "He"?

avioletsky · August 2013

thekikimonster said:

avioletsky said:

@thekikimonster - NTNP is what we had been for awhile with this latest loss. That's what smacked me down from those higher CF is ok with us (8-9's) and wavering around a 5-7.

I'd love to bug you about the uterine uplift. When I have decent insurance again, I want to approach it with my doctor. I've heard it can help with heavy painful periods.

@violetsky the UPLIFT and neurectomy were the absolute best things that could have ever happened to me. Do you have pain throughout your cycle or only when bleeding?

Really it's at its worst during my periods. In high school and early 20's it was AWFUL all the time. @ 19 I had a lap and had some adhesions removed from my bowels. Since then things have been much better. During my period I get terrible sciatic pain, bowel issues and just overall excruciating cramps. My uterus is very retroverted.

KingLED · August 2013

Over the last few days or week I've moved from a solid 3/4 to more of a 6. I don't want to admit that it's not going to happen, but I've kind of known it for a while. I have appointments with my doctors coming up in the next couple weeks just to make sure nothing has changed, but that's more for my peace of mind and to get back on all my meds than anything.

My asshole of a sister sent me a horrible email the other day that made me want to keep trying just to spite her, but I know she's probably right. Even if she is extremely insensitive and mean. I don't know.

avioletsky · August 2013

wickedsugar said:

I'm gathering we had a troll ?? Thank you @byegurlbye ! Come on @BumpJackie .. This is why we need one..

LaTi07's response, my words would NOT have been pretty.

AshleySmith212 · August 2013

Retarded.

KingLED · August 2013

AshleySmith212 said:

Retarded.

@bumpjackie Seriously, we need a mod.

BumpJackie · August 2013

thekikimonster Sorry. Things have been a little wonky on here-- did you guys send me mod rec's yet? If not - email community@thebump.com with suggested users or you can start a poll on here and tell me when voting ends.

Sidenote - whoever you "vote" may not become mod -- we look into past posts, etc before deciding.

BumpJackie · August 2013

Also -- banned her IP, thanks!

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