Huge childish vent

KC1212 · August 2013

Okay- I have a close friend of mine who just announced to me that she's going to start trying for #2. (Her firsr is 4 or 5)

Well- I'm sorry but I kind wish I didn't know! I mean, now it's going to be forever in the back of my mind. Like ignorance is bliss kind of thing?

And this is bad but if someone I know gets pregnant and the had trouble doing so it doesn't bother me as much. For instance know someone who went through longer IF than we did and are finally pregnant with B/G twins. I was so happy for her I spent about 100 $ on a shower gift because I knew what she went through and she deserved it.

But people who get pregnant at the drop of the hat - peeves me.

What's the appropriate sentiment to that ? Good luck?

Is it bad i want to say well it took me 4 years and over 1200$ in fertility treatments plus a couple of breakdowns but good luck!

Ugh. I feel like a horrible person.

CMDR513 · August 2013

I told DH I don't mind if people have more than one after they have struggled. It bugs me when someone gets pregnant after not even trying, not in a committed relationship, etc.

KC1212 · August 2013

Ugh! Then she said "going to get my IUD taken out just gotta have some sex! The fun part of getting preggers!"

Really?! I mean really!? agh! I want to scream!!

Momarazzi007 · August 2013

I get it, I was telling my "friend" about our struggles to have dd and all the money and she and I met we were both pregnant- but it was her THIRD. So after all that, I'm in near tears explaining what we will have to go through to have another one and her reply to me is, "wow, I really want another one and all we have to do is go off birth control for like a month or two and we have no issues." WHAT THE HOLY HELLO?!?!?!?!? She totally didn't even get that she was totally off base for saying that. I just started at her for like a whole minute and she was like, "Oh, is that bad it is so easy for us?" Hence the quotations around friend. Seriously. That was kind if it for me. Kidney punches in my head left and right.

CMDR513 · August 2013

@Momarazzi007- I have your back! I will do some throat punches! I can't believe she thought it, and said it!!!

KC1212 · August 2013

Ugh!! To top it off she and her husband are smokers! And I don't think she fully quit for the first baby!!! And I'm afraid to vacuum or drink a cup of coffee! It's maddening!!! X(

KC1212 · August 2013

Momarazzi007 said:
I get it, I was telling my "friend" about our struggles to have dd and all the money and she and I met we were both pregnant- but it was her THIRD. So after all that, I'm in near tears explaining what we will have to go through to have another one and her reply to me is, "wow, I really want another one and all we have to do is go off birth control for like a month or two and we have no issues." WHAT THE HOLY HELLO?!?!?!?!? She totally didn't even get that she was totally off base for saying that. I just started at her for like a whole minute and she was like, "Oh, is that bad it is so easy for us?" Hence the quotations around friend. Seriously. That was kind if it for me. Kidney punches in my head left and right.

OMG! excuse me while I go vomit please! Ugh!

Momarazzi007 · August 2013

I know right????? Thanks for having my back guys, she totally looks down on me like because I not vegan is why we have fertility issues, meanwhile her kids are so skinny and underweight. Nothing against vegans, just her! Whatever to her. Throat punches all around!!!
And the smoking thing???? Why do the people doing the thing get rewarded?

KC1212 · August 2013

Momarazzi007 said:
I know right????? Thanks for having my back guys, she totally looks down on me like because I not vegan is why we have fertility issues, meanwhile her kids are so skinny and underweight. Nothing against vegans, just her! Whatever to her. Throat punches all around!!!
And the smoking thing???? Why do the people doing the thing get rewarded?

Nothing against vegans but I live in KY. We like our Chicken FRIED and our bacon Greasy thank you very much!

MJC1116 · August 2013

Oh my gosh! What is it with vegan's and getting knocked up so easily? DH has a family friend who was dating a girl. They had just broken up, she found out she was pregnant, so they got married and had the baby. 6 months later she was pregnant again. The b*tch of it all? I started TTC #2 when she got pregnant with #1 and here we are 2 years later and she has two. AND SHE'S VEGAN! (And totally scoffs at anyone who isn't.) Pssh.

I have a friend who's trying for #2, or at least she told me she was ready to start trying. She had her DS 2 weeks before my DD was born. I feel like it'll be quick for her too. It's totally frustrating. And she's a smoker -- or was. Not sure if she still is.

What is it about people who are so capricious about getting pregnant? TTC has been so stressful for me that I can't even imagine being so "eh" about it! Not to mention that it's getting to the point where DH and I can't even BD to get pregnant, which is so weird. He won't even be at the IUI because he has something big going on at work. Never thought I'd be trying to have a baby withOUT my husband there.

I'm so glad I can vent and here everyone else's stories because then I don't feel like such a bad person for feeling that way about other's who get pregnant so quickly and easily.

KC1212 · August 2013

Forgot to mention - I had an uncle who could tell you the name of the pig you were eating!

Another uncle of mine served his deer chili at a family function- no vegans here!!

Anyways so glad I'm not the only one. I ended up coming clean to my friend about our past troubles (but not the present ones) And hopefully she will be less inclined to tell me every detail of her baby plans.

AprilDrew04 · August 2013

CMDR513 said:

I told DH I don't mind if people have more than one after they have struggled. It bugs me when someone gets pregnant after not even trying, not in a committed relationship, etc.

Totally drives me nuts too. I've already mentioned it but I have a friend who is over 12 weeks pregnant with #2 and #1 just turned 1. She was like, I thought it would take longer I was only off bc for a month. And her husband has one testicle. Really?!? Mine has two and we can't seem to manage getting ku easily. Sorry if I am bringing her up a lot, it just really bothers me. To top it off she complained that her sisters kids were too close together in age and they are all over a year apart.
Also, because of my job (daycare provider) DH won't be at any of our IUI attempts, as he is my back-up.

tislay84 · August 2013

Well I'm going to go against the grain and say that I don't get this.

I've seen my fair share of people get pregnant at the drop or the hat or have an oops baby but I don't get mad about it. It frustrates me because my husband and I did the adult, responsible thing and waited until we were ready to have children to get pregnant the first time. We were going to stop preventing back in March but then my husband was diagnosed with cancer so we did the adult, responsible thing again and waited until he was through with chemo before TTC again.

In the 2 years since we had our daughter I've seen 3 of my classmates get pregnant on accident and it irritates me to no end but I don't get mad at them. And you know why? Because I know how it feels to be shamed for getting pregnant so easily because one of my own family members did it to me. This family member asked me how long we were trying and I said got pregnant on the first time and she told me that I suck and that it took them 2 years. It hurt that she diminished my joy in having a child because she had a hard time. So no, I don't get peeved when someone gets pregnant easily because no one deserves to feel bad about a joyous occasion in their lives.

April - I have to say something because I've seen you post this same thing several times now. Having one testicle does not diminish fertility - the other testicle will compensate for the missing one and produce close to the same amount of sperm as before the loss. My husband lost one of his due to the cancer and your comments hit a little too close to home and honestly it's starting to piss me off.

And I realize now that this board may not be the place for me since I seem to have a very different point of view than everyone else.

Momarazzi007 · August 2013

I don't think anyone here is shaming people who do, it is more the people who brag about it or look down on people who cannot. People who are like, "I've been trying for two longs, on never going to have a kid again!" And month three ku. People like my friend who has three kids and brags how easy it is for her to get pregnant and blames me eating meat that I can't- I know entry of steak eaters who get ku too. The women who just give of superiority that they are doing everything right when you know what? They just have different genes. And you know what? Honestly? Had I married the first guy who asked me- I'd have a ton if kids- he has three already! I am one if those women! But I'm not getting pregnant bc it is a team effort. My husband is mfi and so it is impossible to get pregnant at the drop of a hat. We are crying bc it is three years TTC, not three months- six years TTC before we got dd. so when careless women complain about two or three months, mentally we throat punch and outwardly we console and congratulate them. We feel shame ALL THE TIME FOR IUR LACK OF CHILDREN and the constant harassment for more and for feeling hurt and jealous and guilty. Who cares if we want to vent that we have found other women who feel broken and hurt. We're you the woman who got pregnant easily and bragged? No, it doesn't sound like it- you were harassed for it which is horrible too!!! We weren't talking about the women who were blessed and know it, we are talking about the women who use it to hurt and make themselves feel better. The women who maybe didn't even struggle the first time. We can feel hurt and here we can voice it. Pleas w understand- it isn't directed at you- and this is the one ace we can be honest. We probably do feel shame still for feeling hat way, but let us commiserate, sometimes just finally saying out loud is what we need to heal a hurt or just be able to still deal with these bragging women who are typically in our families or we have to see. Not attacking you, just get in gym view out there, it's not all about shaming women who are naturally blessed. It is finally finding women going through same situation- finally, someone who understands MY SITUATION!!!

Momarazzi007 · August 2013

Wow I need some coffee.. And to probably type on my laptop. I apologize for all the confusing typos... I'll see about getting on computer to fix them later, I'm on mobile.

barefootandboots · August 2013

tislay84 said:

Well I'm going to go against the grain and say that I don't get this.

I've seen my fair share of people get pregnant at the drop or the hat or have an oops baby but I don't get mad about it. It frustrates me because my husband and I did the adult, responsible thing and waited until we were ready to have children to get pregnant the first time. We were going to stop preventing back in March but then my husband was diagnosed with cancer so we did the adult, responsible thing again and waited until he was through with chemo before TTC again.

In the 2 years since we had our daughter I've seen 3 of my classmates get pregnant on accident and it irritates me to no end but I don't get mad at them. And you know why? Because I know how it feels to be shamed for getting pregnant so easily because one of my own family members did it to me. This family member asked me how long we were trying and I said got pregnant on the first time and she told me that I suck and that it took them 2 years. It hurt that she diminished my joy in having a child because she had a hard time. So no, I don't get peeved when someone gets pregnant easily because no one deserves to feel bad about a joyous occasion in their lives.

April - I have to say something because I've seen you post this same thing several times now. Having one testicle does not diminish fertility - the other testicle will compensate for the missing one and produce close to the same amount of sperm as before the loss. My husband lost one of his due to the cancer and your comments hit a little too close to home and honestly it's starting to piss me off.

And I realize now that this board may not be the place for me since I seem to have a very different point of view than everyone else.

Im actually with you on this, @tisley84. Although it does hurt seeing or hearing about newly pregnant friends (or even strangers for that matter), I don't get mad at them. I understand being upset when someone brags or talks about it every second, but I also know that those people probably don't understand the unique pain that those of us with infertility and/or losses experience. Honestly, the best thing, I think, is to educate people about it- tell them what you've experienced so they have a better understanding of what it's like to be in your shoes. If I were those pregnant women, I wouldn't want anyone to take away from the joy of being pregnant whether I've had struggles or not. And I don't want to take that joy away from anyone else. So yea, it can hurt that so many get pregnant at the drop of a hat or in unfortunate situations, but if a person truly desired that child then I am happy for them even though I may be throwing a pity party for myself on the inside.

KC1212 · August 2013

Momarazzi007 said:
I don't think anyone here is shaming people who do, it is more the people who brag about it or look down on people who cannot. People who are like, "I've been trying for two longs, on never going to have a kid again!" And month three ku. People like my friend who has three kids and brags how easy it is for her to get pregnant and blames me eating meat that I can't- I know entry of steak eaters who get ku too. The women who just give of superiority that they are doing everything right when you know what? They just have different genes. And you know what? Honestly? Had I married the first guy who asked me- I'd have a ton if kids- he has three already! I am one if those women! But I'm not getting pregnant bc it is a team effort. My husband is mfi and so it is impossible to get pregnant at the drop of a hat. We are crying bc it is three years TTC, not three months- six years TTC before we got dd. so when careless women complain about two or three months, mentally we throat punch and outwardly we console and congratulate them. We feel shame ALL THE TIME FOR IUR LACK OF CHILDREN and the constant harassment for more and for feeling hurt and jealous and guilty. Who cares if we want to vent that we have found other women who feel broken and hurt. We're you the woman who got pregnant easily and bragged? No, it doesn't sound like it- you were harassed for it which is horrible too!!! We weren't talking about the women who were blessed and know it, we are talking about the women who use it to hurt and make themselves feel better. The women who maybe didn't even struggle the first time. We can feel hurt and here we can voice it. Pleas w understand- it isn't directed at you- and this is the one ace we can be honest. We probably do feel shame still for feeling hat way, but let us commiserate, sometimes just finally saying out loud is what we need to heal a hurt or just be able to still deal with these bragging women who are typically in our families or we have to see. Not attacking you, just get in gym view out there, it's not all about shaming women who are naturally blessed. It is finally finding women going through same situation- finally, someone who understands MY SITUATION!!!

I see both sides of the coin here and I think we can agree to disagree. I've been married 6 years now and I have NEVER used Birth control in all six years of marriage. Ever. And I have 1 child. I mean, that's just not normal. After I had my first child I breastfed 6 months. I stopped breastfeeding a year ago and my periods run like military clockwork so even though we just started trying for number 2, I've been having regular unprotected sex for the past year and still nothing.

It stinks. I joined here knowing that I needed a place where people understood what it feels like to go through this.

I think it is wonderful if someone is at a place where they aren't bitter and peeved at the ease of which pregnancy happens for the general population. I'm just not there yet.

And it comes in waves. I have days where I'm really "good" with it and I have days where a pregnancy test commercial can break me down.

Yesterday was a bad day.

Momarazzi007 · August 2013

I get it, and trust me, I am in of seven kids, last to have any plus friends and relatives and have been genuinely happy and excited and celebrated every child. Nine years if marriage here, not a single scare either. But I think going into a conversation called big childish rant, we have to understand who the rant is directed at- no one here.
KC- sorry yesterday was a rough day

I kind if have up this cycle- we haven't even DTD this month bc I've been so down so I am sure hubs is going to blame me for failure this month... Oh well. I'm getting out of bed and taking care of dd and cleaning house- I consider that a win at the moment!
Tislay- again, I wasn't attacking you, failure of written word is inability to show genuine emotion. Maybe it all sounded more angry than genuine explaining. We are all in here together and yes different opinions, which I have said in another post is great so we all can think of things maybe we hadn't before! But I really do not think anyone was angry or directing at women who get pregnant quickly who are thoughtful about announcing it.

tislay84 · August 2013

I wasn't trying to make anyone feel bad for what they are feeling and I'm sorry if I made anyone feel that way. IF sucks and it's not fair so I get being upset, sad, frustrated etc. I just don't get the being mad part and that's what I was trying to get at in my post.

We all have good days and bad days - today is shaping up to be a bad one for me.

KC1212 · August 2013

tislay84 said:
I wasn't trying to make anyone feel bad for what they are feeling and I'm sorry if I made anyone feel that way. IF sucks and it's not fair so I get being upset, sad, frustrated etc. I just don't get the being mad part and that's what I was trying to get at in my post.

We all have good days and bad days - today is shaping up to be a bad one for me.

No worries! I hope to learn to be more accepting of our IF and learn to feel nothing but genuine happiness for others. Perhaps the strong and wonderful women on here will teach me that. i opened up to my friend about our problems and I think her awareness of the situation will help.

IF (for me) is a very in -the -closet disease and very few people know about our situation so, that makes it harder.

I stay in the closet for numerous reasons but, that is another post entirely.

AprilDrew04 · August 2013

I apologize if I offended. I just get frustrated when someone gets pregnant twice in the time I was trying for one pregnancy. I truly did pray that my friend wouldn't have difficulties getting pregnant. I also wanted to say that I don't think anyone is mad at someone else for being pregnant, just mad at the unfairness of it. When someone gets ku without hardly trying, it is hard to hear when you are struggling with something that comes so easily to others.

AprilDrew04 · August 2013

I also wanted to point out that this discussion was titled "huge childish vent" meaning they know that this is something they shouldn't be proud of. As was said sometimes we just need to vent, if it bothers you then just avoid those discussions. One of the best things about this board is the support and acceptance that is expressed here.

KC1212 · August 2013

AprilDrew04 said:
I also wanted to point out that this discussion was titled "huge childish vent" meaning they know that this is something they shouldn't be proud of. As was said sometimes we just need to vent, if it bothers you then just avoid those discussions. One of the best things about this board is the support and acceptance that is expressed here.

Thank you. Yes, I feel bad for the way I feel sometimes. I find comfort here knowing that my feelings are completely normal.

MJC1116 · August 2013

@tislay84, I really admire your perspective when it comes to your genuine feelings of excitement for a friend who is pregnant. Of course I feel so happy for someone who gets to experience being pregnant, but at the same time I feel very sad for myself that I don't -- or maybe even won't -- get to experience that again. I don't want to speak for everyone ,but I feel like (at least for me) dealing with IF is nothing but a big question mark in my future. It's not easy for me to get pregnant, and it hurts when someone else expresses their ease with it. I, too, got pregnant quickly the first time and really had no idea what it was like to "work" for it. But a co-worker at that time had just suffered her second loss, late in her pregnancy too, and she couldn't be around me. It put me in my place, too. Funny enough, she's gone on to have three kids, and now I'm the one with the struggle. I am happy for her nonetheless.

I find that the hardest part of IF has been the attack it's had on my own self esteem. I was never someone who felt a great sense of confidence to begin with, so having issues that have prevented us from growing our family has really taken a huge hit to my feelings of self-worth. Most of that, I think, stems from the juxtaposition between feeling happy for those around me who are expecting and feeling sad because it hasn't been easy for myself. Thinking about pregnant people around me doesn't necessarily make me mad at them, but mad at myself, because I feel things like jealousy, disappointment, and sometimes even resentment. And I feel badly about that! But it comes so easily and without warning, which was the reason behind my other post.

Please don't feel that you have to leave because you feel like your reactions and feelings differ from some of us here. Your perspective could really help us (or maybe just me) deal with the negativity associated with IF.

@KC1212, IF is totally a private type of issue, I think because of the shame felt with it. It's like admitting you have something wrong with you and putting yourself out there to be judged. As with anything, people who haven't gone through it don't understand it and good intentions or not, they seem to offer "advice" that is really more hurtful than helpful. Or they judge the reasons WHY we can't get pregnant, as if someone gave them their medical degree over night. "Oh, you should probably stop (insert ANYTHING here) and you'll get pregnant right away." No, actually there's something WRONG with me. That's why I haven't said anything. I just don't want to hear it. And because of that, I have felt so isolated and turned to a forum like this because I couldn't deal with it anymore. Like you, I am looking to learn a lot from the experience of others, no only with what to expect or to commiserate, but also to learn how to cope with the negativity and get some of my life back.

Thanks to all of you ladies for the support.

freakyfast · August 2013

We all belong here and like real life friends, we have difference of opinions and thoughts, but that's what makes us all so special and another reason we need each other to be able to vent and discuss... Let's hug it out.

KC1212 · August 2013

freakyfast said:
We all belong here and like real life friends, we have difference of opinions and thoughts, but that's what makes us all so special and another reason we need each other to be able to vent and discuss... Let's hug it out.

Well said!

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