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Working Moms
mae0111
member
Tough times at home
mae0111
member
in Working Moms
Without going into a ton of details (because really, I could write a book), work, home, life is caving in on me. DH and I have both been working really hard, both at work and at home, and we are sniping at each other constantly. DD2 is still up at least once, sometimes twice a night, and DH is really reluctant to pitch in anymore. We haven't even been polite to each other lately. He seems mad at me and the kids all the time. It's almost as if he thinks his only jobs right now are at work, and projects around the house. No day-to-day stuff, no interaction with the kids. Once I'm home, he turns over control and he's out the door, onto his next project.
I've talked to him about it. I asked him on Sunday not to get into stuff like that during dinner and bed time. So what did he do yesterday? He went to the store for parts for his latest project 10 minutes before dinner started, 5 minutes before the nightly meltdowns happened. It's like he just doesn't care about me or the kids, as long as he gets his work done, and can say, "Look at all the work I did, all by myself, with NO HELP from anyone including my wife." He's said that he's the only one doing any work around the house... how am I supposed to paint with a 3.5 year old and a 4 month old? I paint during naps, while also trying to do all the other household stuff that he doesn't help with anymore.
I absolutely unloaded last night. He's so mad at me that he didn't even say goodbye this morning. To be honest, I didn't care very much - that's how angry I am.
Any advice? Or sympathy? Or commiseration? I'll take anything.
I've talked to him about it. I asked him on Sunday not to get into stuff like that during dinner and bed time. So what did he do yesterday? He went to the store for parts for his latest project 10 minutes before dinner started, 5 minutes before the nightly meltdowns happened. It's like he just doesn't care about me or the kids, as long as he gets his work done, and can say, "Look at all the work I did, all by myself, with NO HELP from anyone including my wife." He's said that he's the only one doing any work around the house... how am I supposed to paint with a 3.5 year old and a 4 month old? I paint during naps, while also trying to do all the other household stuff that he doesn't help with anymore.
I absolutely unloaded last night. He's so mad at me that he didn't even say goodbye this morning. To be honest, I didn't care very much - that's how angry I am.
Any advice? Or sympathy? Or commiseration? I'll take anything.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Tough times at home
He wastes nap time by napping himself and then freaks out at 5pm on Sundays when he needed to do some stuff done either work or house related. I get so annoyed by that. Also, I was gone all weekend with the boys. He was by himself ALL weekend. One thing I asked him to do? Clean the fence. He did half of it and said he didn't have time to finish the rest. However, he did have time to roll out of bed on Saturday at 11am, host a poker night, and see two movies!! All of which I am okay with if he would have just cleaned the damn fence!!! Oh, and the house was not clean when I got home either.
Anyway, we snap at eachother a lot too. I really think adding a second child put a lot of strain on our marriage. When we had DS1, it's like you are in the honeymoon phase, blinded by how amazing it is to see the man you love become a Dad. So the strain was there, but maybe we overlook it. When number two comes along, we are not so forgiving.
So I am commiserating with you. But I would also suggest hiring a painter and a housekeeper ASAP. AND line up some babysitters stat! Date night always seems to help us reconnect for a bit.
All three are cheaper then a divorce! Hugs to you!
I am sorry. That sounds rough. I don't understand why he is mad at you though. For unloading on him? For not painting on top of working and taking care of the kids and whatever else you are doing? Am I correct that you are the poster that recently had a lot of changes - moved, went back to work and had a baby? If I am correct, it is no wonder everyone is stressed out. I am sure your kids are feeling the stress too, which will contribute to the meltdowns, so it is an issue that just keeps building on itself.
My suggestion is - look at the root causes of the anger and stress and figure out how to deal with them. Why did you go back to work and do you need to be working as much as you are right now or can you scale back? If you are both going to continue working full steam, then hire out some of the house projects. He needs to understand that you are not sitting there eating bon bons while he is doing all the work, so you need to get that through his head somehow - figure out a reason to travel for work for a couple of days or something. If you were not working for a while and he got used to you doing everything around the house then he needs to learn to change his mentality.
Nothing makes me angrier than my FIL who lets his wife doing everything around the house - including making all of his meals, serving him at the table, and clearing his dishes all while he sits there as if he is in a restaurant - when she works FT and he has a little PT job at the parks department. Not exactly the same situation, but the point is, your DH cannot expect you to do everything and then get pissy when you can't. You simply cannot tolerate that sort of treatment. My MIL has been a doormat for so long there is no changing it now but sometimes I just want to smack my FIL with a frying pan on her behalf. Your DH can be passive aggressive all he wants but he needs to understand this impacts HIS children too so he needs to work with you to improve the situation.
Good luck to you.
We were sort of in a similar situation with this move. DH had "his list" and I had "my list" of things DH needed to do, or free me up to do. And then there's meals, childcare, DC drop off and PU, etc. DH was sort of shoving things off on me, and doing "his list" while my list was ignored - and he travels four days a week so I already had plenty of "doing it all alone".
We sat down and prioritized all tasks and made a daily schedule for the week (every day is a little different, but we listed things like work end times, projects for each day and windows of time for each project, etc. It helped him see that he was being unreasonable, as it wasn't possible for him to complete ALL tasks while still being a member of our family. He thought it was more important to me that he complete the lists than participate in our family. He thought wrong, but until we put it all on paper together that did not click for him.
Hang in there, as I assume this push is temporary.
I have also resorted to "turn about is fair play" when he just would not HEAR what I was asking.....ie, instead of HIM leaving 10 minutes before dinner, hit the door yourself with a "make sure the pasta doesn't boil over on the stove, I will be back in 30 minutes and will eat later, don't wait for me!". He is always sheepish when I walk back in the door because he realized in my absence that he was totally and completely checked out.
DH and I had a rough time after D2 was born. She didn't sleep though the night until she was 1 year and we hit our breaking point around 9 months. We were on vacation with my family and he was being a jerk to me and the girls and then he started in on my mom. So I told him to leave. I handed him the car keys and told him not to come back until he was nice. I didn't want to be with someone who treated me and my children like that.
He wasn't gone long. I don't think he realized just how much his poor attitude affected me and our relationship.
It was a rough year, probably my roughest ever. But we survived and are doing pretty well.
I know this too shall pass. He's doing a ton around the house, and I thank him for it a lot. But I'm doing a lot too. He's learned to acknowledge me when I'm angry about stuff like this, but there's always a caveat. "Yes, you're doing stuff, but I'M DOING MORE!"
I know he gets some of what I'm asking. I was late coming home twice this week when 2 emergencies happened at work. I came in an hour late both nights. So he'd had the kids alone for 2 hours each night. He was absolutely at his wit's end. Yet he expects me to do all the childcare solo when we're both there.
Last night, after literally pushing him out of bed to feed DD at 11:30, he made sure to leave all the doors open, so I'd hear the crying. Then he started dropping stuff, so I'd hear crashing and screaming. I finally got up and told him to go back to bed. So I was up from 11:30-1, then again at 2, then 4-4:30, then DH started crashing around at 5:30. This is a typical night for me. I'm exhausted.
We outsource a lot - nanny, cleaner every 2 weeks, landscaping, I try to do quick meals. But the day-to-day adds up. The house looks trashed if I don't pick it up during the weekends. I do all the laundry. Food shopping. Target/BJ's errands for diaper runs and the like. Other new-house related errands. But none of that counts, I guess.
This is trickier because if I don't do it, and I know he won't do it, our nanny ends up doing it. I can tell her not to, but she's just super nice and doesn't want us to worry about cleaning up after being at work all day. She wants us to enjoy the kids. So she'll do it.
He really is doing a lot. I've never questioned that. I just want him to acknowledge that I am, too. That his job is not more important than mine. That painting the dining room is not more important than doing the laundry. That taking care of the kids alone is hard - even harder than painting that high ceiling.
Ugh.
Just a suggestion for getting some help with the household chores... (I may have posted this before)...Get a white board, a magnetic one that you can put on the fridge. Divide it in half. On one side put "Shopping List" and on the other put "To-Do List". This has worked wonders for DH and I. Before it was me fighting with him about: "Don't you see the carpet needs to be vacuumed? Can you please wipe the counters off after your done making a sandwich? Make sure you put the clothes in the dryer otherwise you won't have underwear tomorrow."
And on, and on. He got frustrated b/c he felt I was 'nagging' him. Don't you HATE that word?! So no, we just write on the to do list on the fridge. Both of us. I'll write down something I'd like him to do, if he's on his way out the door to work and notices something he'd like me to do, he writes it down.
Sometimes things don't always get done the same day that their written down, but they do manage to get done the day after most times. That way I don't have to 'nag' and he's fully aware of everything that needs attending to in the house. Bonus: He also can't say he doesn't remember me telling him.
As far as the shopping list goes, when one of us is running out for something and may pass by the grocery store or Target...we take a photo of the list w/ our cell phones and be sure to get the things on the list. This prevents "Why didn't you get roast beef for my lunches?"
We also plan out our meals for the month and write them on a calendar. That way whoever is home first can start dinner.
Works like a charm!
"No one will ever know the strength of my love for you. After all, you're the only one who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside." -Unknown
mae - I get it and I feel for you and obviously you are not alone in this. Unfortunately, I can't say exactly how to get through to your DH but he definitely seems to need a little tough love here. I understand about the nanny too and that does make it harder. You obviously don't want her to walk into a complete mess in the morning or get her involved in these issues because it is not fair to her.
I would start by tackling the nighttime wakings. Your DH needs to stop being a baby about that and get up at least once a night if your LO is up multiple times. Then, do you think it would work to touch base on the phone near the end of the work day and just find out what your DH plans to do that evening? If he says "I am working on XYZ project", why don't you reply with "OK, how about if you do that from 6-7 while I handle dinner, then you can get the kids ready for bed".
You also need to start planning some time to do your own thing, even if it is house project related. Say you need to go look at new curtains/bedding/shelves/whatever and just do it. That way you get out for a little while, your DH gets to see that kid duty is not all kisses and hugs, and you are actually doing something productive toward getting some projects off the list.
And as far as outsourcing, it is good that you have a cleaning service, etc. but I was referring to outsourcing these projects that your DH works on every night. And/or make a list of things that need to be done, figure out which to outsource, DIY, and put on hold, and then make a reasonable schedule of when to work on they DIY list.
You may have to try multiple different tactics before something sinks in, but honestly if your DH is going to keep being passive aggressive about this then I would suggest counseling.
I have just seen from experience with my IL's that the longer you give in the harder it is to undo until you are just used to running yourself ragged and it is something your DH just expects and doesn't appreciate. And really I hate to see anyone in that situation.
ITA with outsourcing post-move! We just agreed today to hire someone (who the freak knows WHO we will hire) but SOMEONE other than DH and I are going to build the new wooden playset when we buy it. What projects can you outsource? We have also, post-move, agreed to outsource: creek cleanup (the landscaping was allowed to run crazy), sprinkler system repair, pool maintenance for this season and final clean on the house we are selling.
I bought a bunch of curtains almost a month ago, and never had the chance to iron and hang them. I can do some things while herding the kids, but ironing is not one of them. So the nanny (God bless her) did some of them one day during naps.
This weekend, DH's brother is coming out to help us again. This is his third trip. Together, they've painted a huge room with 15 ft ceilings, the ceiling in the 20ft foyer, and the ceiling in a third room - 12 ft. He also replaced 4 toilets and repaired a leaky pipe to get water back into one bathroom and the water/ice maker in the fridge. They're super productive when they get together, but that means the kids are all on me again, and my stuff goes to the wayside. It also means I have the added pleasure of keeping the kids away from their favorite uncle while they work.
Some of this, I just need to suck it up and deal. But some of this is real, and I can't make him see it.
To add to this, DH just told me about 2 week-long trips he has coming up for work, and a third that will take him to Europe. I have business in the same city, so I suggested going together and bringing the kids and one set of our parents to help. I don't care who. He said no. Nice.
Thanks for all of the suggestions. I'm definitely going to think about things and figure this out.
And we can say "it's a phase" - but resentment can build and it CAN end marriages. You need to deal with this.
And I SOOOOO agree- try to get to a better place first, but then build in some date nights. I think you both need to try and get back to being a couple. Spend time w/ just the two of you.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
This is something else I'm stuck on. I feel like work gets the best of us. DH is gone as I'm getting up, especially if I'm up a lot with DD. He leaves by 6am. Kids get up anywhere between 6 and 7 most days, so I get some good quality time with them before I leave by 8. I get home at 6, and they kids are clamoring for mom time. Once they're in bed by 7:30/8 on a good night, we're exhausted, and DH is looking for dinner. He doesn't want to talk - he wants to veg out in front of the TV. After trying unsuccessfully to engage him in conversation, I end up working, or on my iPad, or reading, or doing/folding laundry, or cleaning up after dinner, or some nights, just going to bed. But then he's mad that we're not having $ex enough. Um... you barely talk to me...
We're afterthoughts to each other. I've felt like this for a long time with him, and I've voiced it many times in the course of our relationship. Things improve temporarily, and then slip back into old ways. This is one of the only times that I've felt he's not the most important person, and our relationship is not the most important thing, to me anymore. Last time this came up, it took me telling him that I'd found an apartment for DD1 and I for him to take me seriously.
I have to believe that we'll get to a better place. But I don't see it on the horizon.
Ugh. We're in a mess. And I thank you all for letting me unload.
What is his reason not to do a joint trip? That's sort of a red flag to me. If he is disconnected at home, what's he connected to on the road? Does your DH travel often? Here, DH feels pressured to get it all done on the weekends as he is gone all week.
I battle the TV too. DH just wants "to chill". I would rather be shot than watch TV every night he is home. So we agree to have TV free nights. I also read that going to bed naked = more $ex and will randomly mandate that on TV free nights.
Do you think that he's trying to make this house a place that you will be happy in and not leave him? He sounds like he gets hyperfocused on a task and doesn't let anything knock him off course. Maybe you need to harness that focus for tasks that you need.
I would also suggest when he says he's running out to the store, ask him which child he's taking with him. And, if your husband is anything like mine, I would tell him is was his turn to get up with the baby even if he had been up the time before - he would sleep through me getting up, so he had no idea if I had been up or not. If he woke me up or was pissy about it, there were days when I just kept waking him up. It would make up for the days he woke up all excited that the baby had slept through the night when in reality, I had just gotten up 6 times and he had slept through it all.
We've been through this sort of thing and it always happened when we had a little baby and one that was waking up in the middle of the night. I personally always have taken more of the work load around the house. Primarily, because it isn't worth the fight and also because i enjoy being with the kids.
I think dates night help the most. More date nights where you sit and talk. Hold his hand and talk to him on the date about how you think you two can come up with a solution to make life at home happier for everyone. DH and I agreed that every night he'd put DS1 to bed and I would be in charge of the baby. Once we agreed on who was doing what "chore"then I never ever did his chore for him.
Also, going out with friends helps too. Getting a sitter and going out with another couple and just having fun and letting go really helps you reconnect and get energized for one another.
I also recommend trading off. DH needs some time on the weekend to work on an extra project for work, which is fine but we agree that he has to do it during nap time or I get that amount of time to myself too. We each get to sleep in one day on the weekend.
Have you guys made a list of everything you want to do around the house? Maybe you could talk about which are priorities and set timelines. It would probably take some of the pressure to get everything done off of him and might help him realize there are other things going on during that time.
If you don't think he would be responsive to you talking out your issues together, would he consider a few counseling sessions?
And I have started speaking up about getting him to help with the day-to-day stuff. I agree, it wears you down. I also have succeeded on occasion to convince him that some things really can wait, catching up on sleep in an important priority at times, and blowing off the to-do list to have fun once in a while is healthy.
Before we could move forward we had to have it out. I grabbed 2 pieces of paper and told him to make two columns, one listing everything he does and one listing everything he thinks I do. I did the same. It was very eye-opening for both of us.
We also still have to negotiate priorities. I was pissed the other day when I came home (he had the day off) and instead of cleaning the house and doing laundry he cleaned the garage, mowed the grass, and made a box jump for working out. WTF?! How is sweeping the garage more important than the kitchen?!
-"He's exhausted and doesn't want to talk but wants to veg out in front the TV": DH gets his downtime in front the TV after work too but at 8:15 pm, we both stop what we're doing and talk to catch up with each other's day for 15 minutes. We also have two dates per month, and go out of town overnight for each anniversary (except on the five year increment anniversaries, then we go out the country.