response to "This was a bad idea"

nodito · July 2013

With DS1, I wanted to try for a natural birth but needed to be induced and labored in bed for, like, 14 hours before asking for an epidural. I'm planning for a natural birth again but I can definitely see myself saying all kind of negative things during labor, and my husband and doula have asked me how I'd like them to respond. The thing is, I don't know. I don't know what I'll want to hear in the moment. Any advice? For example, what would be the appropriate response to, "This was a bad idea" (meaning, trying a natural birth) or "I don't like this. I really don't like this." What would you want to hear?

AmyRI · July 2013

You're doing great.
The contraction will be over soon (or you've passed the peak, or 10 seconds left, or... whatever is applicable. They can see it start to fade on the monitors but when you're living through it, it feels like it will never end.)
If they know you are in transition (have been checked and are between 7 and 10 cm) remind you that it is likely just the emotional signpost of being in transition, and that you are almost done.
Relax and let the baby move down.

Reminders to change positions whenever it gets to be too much. Whenever I said, "I can't do this" my MW's response was "you ARE doing it! You CAN do this!" and if I said, "I need a break," she would get me into a new position between contractions.

aylafsu88 · July 2013

For me positive encouragement was really important. I told my H and doula that I wanted them to be strong a encouraging especially when I doubted myself. Also, have them remind you to only take one contraction at a time. It is really easy to get overwhelmed when you focus on how much longer your labor could be. By focusing on one contraction at a time you can avoid those overwhelming thoughts.
I agree with PP about positions. If you are starting to get discouraged then have them encourage you to change positions. it can really help. Have you thought of laboring in the tub? I know that the warm water made a huge difference for me. It took the edge off my contractions and made my back labor bearable.

L0L0 · July 2013

My doula and nurses never acted like an epidural was even an option, plus it really wasn't once I was in the birth pool. It was helpful to me to have them firmly back my earlier-stated intentions, because it would have been hard to resist had an anesthesiologist shown up.

sooner1981 · July 2013

Honestly, I would want my voice heard during labor. So, if at some point I really wanted to get some pain relief, and my husband and doula (my "advocates") told me I was being silly or that "I could do this without," I would actually be really angry with them for not respecting my wishes--since I am the only one who knows how much pain I am really experiencing when I make a request for pain relief.

If you are going to go the route of telling your husband and doula to not allow you to seek pain relief for wishy-washy comments, like the ones you listed--maybe at least have the equivalent of a "safe word," that lets them know that your request for pain relief is really serious and that you absolutely want them to respect your wishes to receive it, since you should be in control of your own birth. Maybe figure out a comment that you promise to only say if you absolutely want them to be calling down the hall for the anesthesiologist as soon as you say it.

JJ_13 · July 2013

sooner1981 said:

Honestly, I would want my voice heard during labor. So, if at some point I really wanted to get some pain relief, and my husband and doula (my "advocates") told me I was being silly or that "I could do this without," I would actually be really angry with them for not respecting my wishes--since I am the only one who knows how much pain I am really experiencing when I make a request for pain relief.

If you are going to go the route of telling your husband and doula to not allow you to seek pain relief for wishy-washy comments, like the ones you listed--maybe at least have the equivalent of a "safe word," that lets them know that your request for pain relief is really serious and that you absolutely want them to respect your wishes to receive it, since you should be in control of your own birth. Maybe figure out a comment that you promise to only say if you absolutely want them to be calling down the hall for the anesthesiologist as soon as you say it.

I respectfully disagree with this. A MW recommended that we have a safe word and my DH and I decided not to do it. I am so glad we went this route because I would have said that "safe" word about 1 hour into my Pitocin-induced labor. Instead, when I begged for "something for the pain", they just told me that I was doing great, it was just one contraction at a time, that I was strong and I *was* doing it, etc. Honestly, in the end, the pain was so intense that it didn't really matter what they said. It was hell, but I am so, so, so glad I didn't end up with the epidural. My DH did make himself a "coaching card" with oneliners that he had prepared to say during labor and had it fixed on his wrist. The BEST words I heard throughout labor was when my doula said, you're too late for an epidural. That was music to my ears. There was something just so liberating about knowing that there was NO way I was going to get an epidural at that point and that I was really, really going to do this thing! I've often wondered if my doula had told it to me earlier (even if it was lie), if the earlier parts of labor might have felt less like a fight.

annabelle.27 · July 2013

I agree with whoever said they would want to feel heard. I never said that I couldn't do it anymore- when the pain got that had I had a hard time stringing words together and during both labours drugs didn't really occur to me. But at one point in my second labour my legs were really numb and sore from the way I was squatting and I used all my strength to whisper to my husband that I couldn't sit like that anymore but I didn't think I could move on my own. My midwife only heard "I can't...I can't" and started saying some of the things above, that I was doing it and doing great. It struck me as a very insincere thing to say and it really frustrated me. I think I would have felt more validated if she had said something to the effect of "Yes, this is really hard work and I can see you are giving everything you've got. I wonder if there is some way we can help take the load off you a bit. Lets try this position/breathing technique/relaxation music and see if that gives you more strength."

And yes, if I were begging for the drugs, there is only so long I would want them to try to talk me out of it. I wouldn't want my requests to go completely unheard.

boogerbearoriginal · July 2013

sooner1981 said:

Honestly, I would want my voice heard during labor. So, if at some point I really wanted to get some pain relief, and my husband and doula (my "advocates") told me I was being silly or that "I could do this without," I would actually be really angry with them for not respecting my wishes--since I am the only one who knows how much pain I am really experiencing when I make a request for pain relief.

If you are going to go the route of telling your husband and doula to not allow you to seek pain relief for wishy-washy comments, like the ones you listed--maybe at least have the equivalent of a "safe word," that lets them know that your request for pain relief is really serious and that you absolutely want them to respect your wishes to receive it, since you should be in control of your own birth. Maybe figure out a comment that you promise to only say if you absolutely want them to be calling down the hall for the anesthesiologist as soon as you say it.

This comment made me laugh, because when I was in labor H/I actually got into an argument because I kept saying I couldn't do this and H was like "yes you can, you know you don't want meds and will be disappointed" I yelled at him that he didn't know anything and I couldn't handle it. He finally stormed off and said, fine, do whatever you want. Keep in mind this all took place with me soaking wet in the shower and in-between contractions. It was a hallmark moment I tell you!

The funny thing is, after that I talked with the nurse and had her go over pain options besides epi. She did, and asked if I wanted something. I said not now, just wanted to know what my options were. And after that I never asked for drugs again. I told myself I'd wait 15mins and then see how it was going. After that I was fine, and managed labor so much better.

Whole point is, I think the problem was that I was so focused on "this is going to last forever!!!" that labor became overwhelming. I was staring at the clock and dreading every contraction before it even started. So I definitely ditto the suggestion to have them focus you on brief periods: contractions is almost done, just get through the next 10 mins, you are doing it, etc.

MrsP7309 · July 2013

sooner1981 said:

Honestly, I would want my voice heard during labor. So, if at some point I really wanted to get some pain relief, and my husband and doula (my "advocates") told me I was being silly or that "I could do this without," I would actually be really angry with them for not respecting my wishes--since I am the only one who knows how much pain I am really experiencing when I make a request for pain relief.

If you are going to go the route of telling your husband and doula to not allow you to seek pain relief for wishy-washy comments, like the ones you listed--maybe at least have the equivalent of a "safe word," that lets them know that your request for pain relief is really serious and that you absolutely want them to respect your wishes to receive it, since you should be in control of your own birth. Maybe figure out a comment that you promise to only say if you absolutely want them to be calling down the hall for the anesthesiologist as soon as you say it.

This was exactly where I was. DH and I had a code word, because I didn't want to feel like my desires were being ignored in labor. I knew if I really wanted pain relief and he was standing in my way I'd feel bitter about it instead of empowered by getting through it. He knew to tell me I was doing great if I hadn't said that word, and if I had, to get the MW immediately for a cervical check and have the anesthesiologist nearby. I never even thought of that word in labor.

SweetPeaK26 · July 2013

I had a very similar situation with my first. I told my husband to talk me out of the epi 3 times, and he just found the right words... Even on the 4th time I asked! That was with my first.

My second, I was so scared of a repeat situation (vacuum delivery, horrible tear) that I asked for the epi right away. It fell out 3-4 hours before delivery, and I felt EVERYTHING. Honestly, it was nothing compared to my first. I realize that this isn't what you were asking about, but I want to give you some home that your second may be much easier as less painful than your first.

Because my second delivery was so much easier, I plan to try for epi free this time around. After dd2 was born, dh teased me because I kept talking about how much easier and less painful it was.

janelleashu · July 2013

sooner1981 said:
Honestly, I would want my voice heard during labor. So, if at some point I really wanted to get some pain relief, and my husband and doula (my "advocates") told me I was being silly or that "I could do this without," I would actually be really angry with them for not respecting my wishes--since I am the only one who knows how much pain I am really experiencing when I make a request for pain relief.

If you are going to go the route of telling your husband and doula to not allow you to seek pain relief for wishy-washy comments, like the ones you listed--maybe at least have the equivalent of a "safe word," that lets them know that your request for pain relief is really serious and that you absolutely want them to respect your wishes to receive it, since you should be in control of your own birth. Maybe figure out a comment that you promise to only say if you absolutely want them to be calling down the hall for the anesthesiologist as soon as you say it.

I think the safe word suggestion is fantastic! I will definitely be adding that to my birth plan. Thanks!

natalie202 · August 2013

We went with a plan where my support team responded to any mention of "I can't" by helping me change something significant about how I was laboring (position, counter pressure, location, etc.) and asked me to give it just 5 contractions under the new conditions to see if they helped. That worked really well until I was in the worst of transition, at which point knowing (and being reminded) how close I was and that it wasn't going to get any worse made a HUGE difference in my ability to cope.

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