C-section sadness

Jasmineeelizabeth · July 2013

I did everything possible to have the best birth possible. I took Bradley Classes, I ate healthy, stayed as active as possible, read everything on birth I could find, hired a MW, and had a very flexible birth plan that I felt I was not overly attached to, but as most of you know.. My experience was udder shit.

I was working on moving past it, and healing. I've been focusing on how I have a healthy baby boy and that's more important than anything else.

But today I found out that before I was able to hold him, do skin to skin, and BF DH took Max out and he was held by my step dad, mom, and his mom and dad. DH's mom was awful to me my entire pregnancy, she kept saying kids were awful and we were ruining our lives, my step dad and I hate each other the only reason he came to the hospital was because my mom told me that she was scared and needed support while she was waiting. I did not see him or speak to him during my pregnancy or since the birth, I didn't even see him at the hospital.

I wish I never found out. I went through hell and I didn't even get to hold my baby until the one person I truly hate got to hold him. DH doesn't understand but I can't stop crying. I thought I specifically asked to hold my baby before anyone else.. Guess not.

This is just the straw that broke the camels back for me. Is anyone else having a hard time recovering from a traumatic birth experience? What are you telling yourself to get through? I know a natural birth with bonding right away wasn't the goal, a healthy baby was.. I'm so grateful I got that, I just wish I felt more at peace with how he got here.

valstulas · July 2013

I can understand your upset. I would be upset to learn that others got to hold my baby before me, especially if my relationships with them were strained. Big hugs!

I had a traumatic birth experience with DS3. Like you, I told myself over and over again that all that mattered was that he and I made it through. But honestly, it took a long time for me to come to terms with getting an epidural, having a c-section, and fearing that I was going to die while I was on the OR table. I found that reflecting on my experience and talking about it with my SO really helped. I think ultimately, though, it just took time for me to come to terms with my experience. I have to say I didn't really start to feel better about it until I was about 6 months PP.

My advice is to talk about things. You can talk about it with your H, a family member, friends, even your MW. Talking about and reflecting on your experience is really the only way to get through a traumatic birth. It's great to remind yourself that the end goal, a healthy mom and baby, was accomplished, but you shouldn't deny how you feel, either.

Jenniferinspain · July 2013

I would just like to say I am sorry. I can hear the hurt in your writing. I had a traumatic experience with dd1 and ended up in ICU until the next day. There are pictures of her and family members that I never saw because they were gone by the next day. My recovery was God awful and it was traumatizing and scary. I agree with pp, you can be upset but still love your lo and be happy. Talk about it especially with SO, so that it doesn't stay all bottled up inside making you resent him. I would also recommend writing it down somewhere it is truly helpful. We are all here for you

aehamilton13 · July 2013

I'm so sorry to hear what happened. I agree with what others have said - try to talk it out with someone you trust. Seeing a counsellor may be helpful for you. You need to mourn the situation, and you can do that while being thankful for a healthy baby.

Big, big hugs to you!

lisamonkee11 · July 2013

I don't have anything to add that hasn't been said already, but we are here for you. Your sadness is valid. Take care of yourself.

PrimRoseMama · July 2013

ramy3695 said:

I'm so sorry you're having a hard time. Being sad about your birth experience does not mean you aren't grateful for your healthy baby. Please take care of yourself and please don't be afraid to talk to a counselor or a postpartum doula if you need to. It doesn't make you a bad mom. Taking care of yourself helps you take better care of your baby. Big hugs.

Absolutely agree. I think that is really crappy that this happened. I am sending you huge, squishy hugs.

sonshine0609 · July 2013

I can't give any more advice that hasn't already been given but you have my support too. When DS1 was born (emergency c/s) my ex's obnoxious friends got to hold him & see him before me or even my family. I was furious. In the end I think only time helped. I hope your able to move past this soon. Take care of yourself.

emandia · July 2013

I have no advice, but big hugs to you. I'm so sorry...

emmanemm · July 2013

I have no advice either but just wanted to send thoughts your way! Hugs! We are here for you.

Kitten80 · July 2013

I am so very sorry. I also don't have advice to offer beyond that above (it is okay to feel the way you do, talk to someone/maybe see a therapist if you need to, be kind to yourself, give it time), but I feel mad and sad for you and wanted to send you big hugs. Very sorry it happened and that you found out. Good luck as you work on moving on. FWIW, I have a gf who had a traumatic birthing experience and it took her quite awhile to feel that she could move on from it, so don't beat yourself up for being upset about it at this point. Especially this aspect of it - I would be so upset too. (hugs)

jemasa33 · July 2013

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I would be very upset as well. I agree with the suggestions by the pps to talk it out. Its more important that baby has a happy and healthy mommy than the skin to skin and other things you missed out on at first. I understand this is easier said than done. It is just so easy to slide into pp depression over major situations like this, which is why it is so important that you work on getting over it with some form of support. I hope that you can find some relief soon.

BakerMommy · July 2013

(Lurking...)

I am so sorry you had such a difficult experience. If it helps, your family touched him for a moment, but you will hold him forever. Babies can recognize their mother by smell, and I bet he could tell that you were his mama as soon as you held him. While they may have touched him first, you are the one he wants most now. You are the one he cries for, and you can comfort him and make him feel safe like no one else!

Penny Simkin has done a lot of writing on birth trauma. Perhaps some of her books or articles could be helpful.

[Deleted User] · July 2013

It's sad that your husband let them hold him before you even got to...especially the people he knows you don't care for. It was also selfish for those people to even do it. I'm really sorry and I understand why you're upset, wish there was something I could do to make it better for you.

dliz87 · July 2013

First, I am so sorry that was your experience. It sucks to feel that way about something you have planned so hard and long for. Sending hugs.
Second, my first birth experience was pretty awful and traumatic. Details include an emergency C section after months of prep, bad reactions to the drugs, and an array of inlaws who didn't respect my wishes. What I can suggest is this, talk about your experience as much as you need to. I needed to verbalize my pain, it helped me cope. Your DH should be a willing audience. As LO got older, the pain of my traumatic delivery lessened a bit as I focused more on the fact that no matter how my delivery went, what mattered was that LO was here now. It was easier to be thankful for the delivery of a healthy baby and see past the details.

Dani428 · July 2013

Great advice by others.... Just wanted to send you hugs!!

stephyfaith · July 2013

Hugs. I'm so sorry... Wish there was more I could say but PP have said it. Just know you've been heard and that your feelings are valid and you're not alone!

atlvol · July 2013

I'm sorry that you are going through this, as PP have said, your feelings are completely valid. Big hugs to you!

SwetaV · July 2013

I don't have anything to input but I just wanted to say that I'm sorry that this happened to you. It's probably going to be tough to get over, but like you said - a healthy baby was the end goal and that's what you were blessed with. Wish there was a way to rewind time!

tarabob19 · July 2013

I also am sorry you are dealing with this. I too had an unplanned csection and epidural when I planned to go natural. I am 8 days pp and am very much still struggling with the guilt. My experience was not as traumatic, but I can relate to your feelings. I agree with others...definitely helps to talk about it. I've just accepted that it will take time for me to heal. Thoughts and hugs for you!

Clyde013 · July 2013

I'm sorry! I agree with the previous posts.

Pink724 · July 2013

I just wanted to offer you hugs and support. I'm sorry you're going through this... definitely let yourself grieve and be sad. And then give your LO a big squeeze!

Liz4444 · July 2013

I am upset for you that your husband didn't respect what you wanted, especially knowing your past with your family. It is ok to be angry and sad. Maybe you should talk to a therapist about everything. You obviously know that healthy, safe baby is the most important thing, but that doesn't discount what you are feeling. Big hugs. Go give your boy a snuggle!

KikiCohen · July 2013

I am so sorry that you're still struggling I remember reading your son's birth story and my heart just ached for you for all that you went through.

As far as others getting to hold him first, I would be beyond livid about that, so I don't blame you for being upset. However, YOU were the one who carried him for nine months, YOU nourished him, YOU made the necessary sacrifices to keep him alive.... and no one can ever take that away from you.

I know this isn't the same, but I thought it might make you feel better. DH is adopted. He was just over four months old when his parents adopted him. That means that for four months, someone else (and many someone elses in fact) held him, changed him, fed him, rocked him, etc. He even spent his first Christmas with a foster family that to this day he doesn't even know who they were, not even a name. That doesn't mean he loves those people or feels a bond with them over his parents. That also doesn't mean that those people loved him any more than his parents do. I hope that helps.

We're all here for you, so go on and let it out. (big, big hugs!)

sonflower1427 · July 2013

While a healthy baby is important, your birth experience is important, too. I don't care what anyone says, accepting your birth is so important, and when it doesn't go the way we want it to, that's hard and we need to be able to express our frustrations before we can truly accept what happened. I am so sorry that people held your baby before you. I don't care if you like them or not, you should have been able to love on your baby before others. I would suggest talk therapy; talking to a counselor about your feelings is one of the best ways to work through traumatic experiences. I spent several months after the birth of my second child working with a counselor, and it was the strongest thing I have ever done. Admitting I needed help working through my feelings helped me to finally accept those feelings and move on. We are all here for you!

Stina2012 · July 2013

Just want to echo some caring thoughts and sentiments to you. My birth experience was less than ideal as well. It's left me with some anxiety about my baby girl being healthy and strong. But I'm working through that by talking to my DH and my family. Also, let your doctors know you are upset by the experience! Please. Please reach out to someone who can help you work through these feelings! Please keep us posted, I will be thinking of you!

lancomechica · July 2013

So sorry that you are going through this. All I can say is I send hugs your way!

hazy19 · July 2013

This makes me want to cry! I'm so sorry for you that you had to go through this. I actually explained to DH that this was NOT to happen under any circumstances! I was so worried about this, I feel like it should be ever hospitals policy to only have mom and dad hold baby before anyone else! Hope you can focus on the fact that she's yours forever and just never let mil hold her again, lol!

hazy19 · July 2013

Sorry, I meant 'him'!!! So used to talking about my LO!! ,

hazy19 said:
This makes me want to cry! I'm so sorry for you that you had to go through this. I actually explained to DH that this was NOT to happen under any circumstances! I was so worried about this, I feel like it should be ever hospitals policy to only have mom and dad hold baby before anyone else! Hope you can focus on the fact that she's yours forever and just never let mil hold her again, lol!

transcriber87 · July 2013

Sorry to hear that all happened hun! Geesh, you had it bad enough and then like you said, camels back!! I would be pissed off too myself..

dontgiveupnomatterwhat · July 2013

I can relate. I had a completely unplanned, unexpected csection and had planned after a vaginal delivery to spend quality alone time with just my husband and baby before anyone else got to meet him.
It broke my heart to only get a quick hello, and he was whisked off with my husband to the nursery, and met our family on the way. I hated not being able to hold him immediately, I hated feeling out of it due to drugs when I DID get to hold him, and I hated missing out on introducing him to family.
I am so sorry you had such a rough labor. My Ts and Ps are with you. We were all worried about you and so glad everything turned out ok!

grapeskittles4lyfe · July 2013

stephyfaith said:

Hugs. I'm so sorry... Wish there was more I could say but PP have said it. Just know you've been heard and that your feelings are valid and you're not alone!

this. so sorry for your experience. big hugs!

Aiylin · July 2013

I'm sorry to hear about your experience I think time will help you heal.sending a big hug your way hoping you find the best way to cope with your feelings

Jasmineeelizabeth · July 2013

Wow, thank you all so much for your responses. I was having computer problems so I'm just reading it now. I appreciate you guys so much.

I'm going to look into talking with someone about what happend. I haven't been able to talk to my family since I found out. I'm just so angry. DH's mom said, "If you had a normal birth you would have been the first to hold him." Gee thanks. I'm so angry and so hurt.

I just e-mailed my MW about what's been going on and hopefully we can make a game plan so I can feel better and move on from this shit show.

TheLittleRedM · July 2013

I'm so sorry that happened to you

I wish I could offer some advice that hasn't been said already, but I can't. I fully agree with everything all the other posters have been saying. Do not judge yourself harshly for a situation that you have every right to be upset by! It doesn't make you less grateful for your LO. Talk things out and try focusing on how much you love the new life in your life. I always found it more helpful to talk to an unbiased outside third party along with my SO in regards to issues I couldn't seem to get past.

sdtchica13 · July 2013

(((hugs))) mama, I am so sorry. I was in a similar position with my first pregnancy...DD came 10 weeks early, I needed an emergency c section and only saw a foot before they whisked Corri off to the NICU...my parents and FIL all saw Corri before I got to, and I didn't get to see her until 1PM the following afternoon after a 6:39PM delivery the night before, and didn't get to hold her until three days later. It took a long time to get over my birth experience and the aftermath, and even longer to be convinced to have a second child.

It's still fresh in your mind, and it takes a while to start getting over it, but the anger will fade, just give it time.

mellieg8582 · July 2013

I'm sorry your going through this. I'm going through some family issues as well. My mother was a complete and total b!tch after my C-section. She was mad that she wasn't asked to come to the recovery room after my C-section. Then she was talking to DH and asked him a question. Well, she didn't like his answer and told us both how ungrateful we are. Then she made my IL's leave. I think they saw their granddaughter for maybe an hour after driving for 4 hours to get here. She didn't like the fact that DH picked us up to go home in his truck instead of using my jeep. And to top it all off before we left the hospital Dh went to give my mom a big bear hug, well, I guess he got too excited and hit her jaw with his shoulder. Well, she walked away from us and I haven't spoken to her in 4 days.

I hope this helps in some way to know there is family bs going on somewhere else.

Jenka329 · July 2013

I'm sorry for your experience and agree with all the pps. Try to talk to someone to help get you through this!! Thoughts and prayers!

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