I was sitting on the couch about a week ago and the boys were having a nice long nap. I was watching my favorite HGTV show and just relaxing on the couch. I realized about 15 minutes into my relaxation that I was mad. No, not mad, pissed. I even had a scowl on my face. Why? I had no idea. The boys were having a good day, DH and I were just fine, I was getting some breathing room, why was I so angry? Clearly something was wrong.
I mentioned it to DH that evening and he came back with "I didn't want to mention it but, yeah, you've been almost bipolar lately." That was an eye opener. I thought I had been handling taking care of twins with no help like a champ. However, as days went by I realized more and more that I was only feeling two emotions anymore. Anger and apathy.
How could I feel this way after years of TTC? I have two of the biggest blessings I could ever ask for. So why did I just want to run away from them? I hated myself for thinking and feeling like I'd made a mistake. I feel like I'm a terrible mother. I need help.
I called my OB immediately. I went to see her this morning and she told me there was no shame in my pain. Yes, indeed I was describing PPD and that just a few adjustments would change my life.
We discussed how much I hate EPing. She told me to quit. I think I'm having the hardest time with this decision. I made it 4 months, that's something to call an accomplishment but I still feel like I've given up when I didn't have to. I've been telling myself almost since the beginning "It will get better next week, something's got to give." After dealing with mastitis twice, thrush for the last 4 months - that has now spread out to the skin on my breasts, it itches so badly I want to claw off my nipples every time I pump - I'm totally over BF/EP.
Then there's my wrists. My PT told me I'd have the wrist pain until I quit BF(EP). Great, just one more reason to hate EPing. I'm in a constant state of pain, whether my wrists are "locked" into a position that sends shooting pains up to my elbows until I can fix the misplaced tendon, to itching, burning nipples of fire.
Compound all of that with the fact that I don't have any family close, and all my friends work and/or have small children and can't help. DH is my only hope and he just really doesn't understand. He spends 1hr with them alone and he's calling me telling me to come home. You'd think he'd figure it out.
So here I sit, broken and beaten but willing to admit that I've reached the end of my "I'm okay" facade. My brother is hopefully going to come live with us for awhile just so I won't be alone and i can get some breathing room if I need it. I'm dumping my pump ASAP. I'll treat the thrush once and for all. I'll be taking AD for the next month and we'll see how it helps.
I just wanted to put this out there, not to whine or get attention/sympathy but to maybe convince even just one person who is having doubts or worries that it's okay to talk to someone. It's not normal to feel unhappy all the time and there are lots of different ways to get help. Even just talking to my OB for a little while today while the nurses took my boys out in the hallway was a tremendous relief.
This, too, shall pass.
TTC since 3/4/2010
Me: PCOS, DH: normal
Started seeing RE 11/10/2011
8/31/2012 =
BFP!!
First Ultrasound... TRIPLETS! EDD 5/11/13
Baby w/ no HB @ 10w4d - We love you angel baby.
Baby A & B doing great. A/S 12/10/12 - Healthy BOYS!
Sawyer & Silas born at 33+6 on 3/29/13
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Re: PPD The Ugly Truth -Long
Me: PCOS, DH: normal
Started seeing RE 11/10/2011
8/31/2012 = BFP!!
First Ultrasound... TRIPLETS! EDD 5/11/13
Baby w/ no HB @ 10w4d - We love you angel baby.
Baby A & B doing great. A/S 12/10/12 - Healthy BOYS!
Sawyer & Silas born at 33+6 on 3/29/13
View Raw Image" height="250" width="375">
TTC #1 since 5/2010 dx: annovulatory
RLP: 2/2012: normal HSG 3/2012: normal
BFP #1 7/20/11 M/C 7/25/11. BFP #2 11/29/11 M/C 12/21/11
I have two angel babies that I will see again one day
BFP #3 10/27/12 EDD: 7/6/13
Baby Emma arrived at 35 weeks by surprise on June 3rd, 2013!!
BFP #4: 5/23/14 EDD: 1/30/15 Emma's gonna be a big sister!
Beta #1 19DPO: 213 Beta #2 21DPO: 674
Lots of love and hugs coming your way, Sweetie. You are going through a lot right now, and nobody can understand completely what you're going through. Yes, it's definitely a good idea to talk to somebody and get this out there. I wish I could help more. Just hang in there and know that you're heading in the right direction by taking the steps necessary to correct this. ((Hugs))
*** aka: andreahshields ***
*** July Siggy Challenge - Cake Wrecks ***
BFP#1 3/8/12; diagnosed w/ Anencephaly at 12w6d; D&C 5/9/12
BFP#2 7/18/12; A/S 10/26/12 It's a Girl! EDD 3/29/13
Phoebe Jordan Born 3/20/13
I could have written your post myself and I applaud you being so honest and ready for help. BIG ((HUGS))
I wonder sometimes if all our histories of loss and infertility might also sometimes set us up for more PPD and PPA. Of course, all mothers are grateful but sometimes I think we believe we have to be more over the moon, more into the 'ideal' mothering situation and feel that much more guilty on days when it isn't ideal, when the baby won't stop crying, and it crosses your mind that maybe it was a mistake.
I hope that you'll see those positive changes to and again, I know that we don't know each other, but I am still so proud of you for reaching out!
BFP #1 5/2010 - Missed m/c at 8 weeks
BFP #2 2/2011
Baby G welcomed with love and relief 10/2011
Surprise BFP 1/8/2013...say what? Baby A arrived 9/2013
Motherhood is not for wimps
My Blog: One Emerald
BFP#1: 9-13-11 EDD: 5-26-12 MMC: 11-4-11 D&C: 11-8-11
BFP#2: 7-6-12 Elizabeth Faye ("Zuzu") born 3-21-13
ETA- spelling