How much do you trust your nanny? (kind of long, sorry)

vszapp · July 2013

We have a nanny that really has been great to our daughter. She started with DD was 3 months old and has been with us for over a year now, and I can tell she really loves DD and has her best interests at heart. She is a mid-twenties girl from Germany when has nannied for several families prior to us in the States and they all love her. However, she is a bit boy crazy and I also know that she has made friends with another nanny fairly near us, and I am worried that external things are distracting her from her job.

I was at home for several months due to a layoff, and we didn't want to lose her, so we kept her on and shared her a few days a week with another family while I was job hunting. We have never done nanny cams or drop-ins because I have always felt that once you show someone that you don't trust them, they usually feel less of a need to act in a trustworthy manner and genrally give you less respect. Well, I have now been back to work for 6 weeks, and now that I'm out of the house all of the time, I am starting to see a few things that make me question her honesty.

I should start with the fact that DD is always happy and healthy when I get home. However, we do have rules that I need to know where they go during the day, they need to clear a new place with me, and nobody comes over to our house. A couple of times recently I have come home at the same time as them, and they are coming from a different direction than where they should be if they were at the park or wherever they said they would be. I try to ask and she gives a fuzzy answer (I made a wrong turn, etc), but since it's not in itself a big deal, I drop it. Then yesterday I saw in the log book we have (for meals, etc) that for the "Outings" section something had been written and then very, very vigorously crossed off so that it is impossible to read what was there. I told DH it looked like someone else had written something there, then the nanny tried to cover it up (you could see a tad of the handwriting and it didn't look like hers). At first DH thought I had really gone crazy with paranoia, but once he looked at he agreed. He asked her casually about it this morning after I left for work, she said that she wrote the library, but it was closed so she crossed it off. He emailed me after and said "she totally just lied to me."

My question to you ladies is - do you think little stuff like this matters? I do think the nanny uses her best judgement and probably is just carting DD around for some occasional social visits, but the fact that she seems to be lying at all has me really upset. On the plus side she is a really bright girl and does a wonderful job of working with DD (who at 16 months honestly has well over 100 words), so I know this will be hard to replace. There are challenges wtih any nanny, I'm sure. How big of a deal is this when looking in from the outside? Part of me thinks I need to chill out, but it seems like that's never a good thing to tell yourself when your kid is involved...

jetgrrrl · July 2013

We have done a nanny share since our first DS was three months old and what you've described would concern me a lot. She should be able to tell you exactly where she's been and the fact that somebody else's handwriting was in your log book would indicate that somebody has been in your house. I think you need to have a meeting with her and express exactly what you've expressed here - tell her that you have always trusted her but that you feel that she is now not being 100 percent honest with you and you need to know what is going on. Something's not right. I mean, if she wanted to have a friend or another nanny over or take your DD someplace new, why wouldn't she just tell you? Even if it was after the fact and she forgot, she should be honest about it. If you were describing one isolated incident where she seemed to be coming from an odd location that would be one thing, but this is no longer isolated. I would call a meeting with her ASAP.

vszapp · July 2013

Nicb13 said:

I got caught up on the part about the log book. Huh? Is that normal to have when you have a nanny? Why does she have to write down every single thing she feeds your kid or where she takes him? I don't have an in home nanny and my cousin watches DS at her house 3 days a week but I trust her 100% and don't question what she does with DS during the day. I know our situations are different but maybe you should cut her some slack or have a serious sit down talk with her and air your concerns. I'm not trying to be mean but from your post...you and your husband just sound super paranoid and controlling.

A log book.....wow.

I think a log book is pretty common - no? We are gone for 8 hours, and if she doesn't write down what DD eats, etc we might keep feeding her the same thing for lunch and dinner, or take her to the same park after work that she just went to. Plus DD has had some food reactions, so this helps us track it. It's really short - doesn't seem like a big deal to me, but I guess everyone is different.

mae0111 · July 2013

We ask our nanny to record stuff for the day in a log book as well. It's not that we don't trust her. It's that we want to know what our kids ate, how often the baby is eating, did the baby poop, etc. My 3 y.o would eat the same thing for every meal if we let her, so we record everything in order to vary her diet as much as we can. I also ask that she write down what they did and where they went so that I can talk to my older DD about it. We use it to communicate about behavioral issues and recommendations when we can't catch up and talk one on one.

It's really not so far-fetched that you'd want to write some stuff down...

To the OP - I would have a conversation with her, and if something still wasn't sitting right with you, I'd WFH or take a couple of unannounced days off when you can. Even if it turns out to be nothing, it will be worth your peace of mind.

IBackBevo · July 2013

I think you should go with your gut on this. I think sometimes our subconscious pickd up on things and gives us gut feelings about things or get a bad feeling about things that otherwise seem innocent. I had something similar with a nanny...I just had a distrustful feeling of her and started noticing things. MyDh told me I was being silly. Turns out I was right...she was smoking on the job and lying about it. If I were you, I would make some unannounced visits in the middle of the day and also invest in a security or nanny camera. There is nothing wrong with doing either. And I completely think having someone over to your house who you don't know and without your approval is unacceptable...and lying about it would be completely unacceptable.

IBackBevo · July 2013

And I also agree a log book is not uncommon. We have gotten away from it with our current nanny, but all of my previous nannies have done it on their own without me even asking...one even brought her own notebook. I think the purpose is yto keep track of what& & how they are eating, if there are any irregularities in BMs or mood, naps, etc. I think even alot of daycares do something similar. Sorry for typos. I'm on my phone.

2chatter · July 2013

I don't think noticing the direction she is coming from and connecting that to where she said she was is strange at all. I also think anything being written in the log book is a big deal - someone else's handwriting? I would totally look at the time gap, call the library and ask if they were closed.Then I would professionally discuss this with the nanny. I am sure she is already freaking out because your husband asked. As you said, I also think that some people tend to slack more when they think they are in trouble or have lost your trust.

Not a fun situation. If you don't want to be confrontational, technology could make this super fun. Drop your phone on silent into the lining of the diaper bag and track her on GPS. ;-)

mexicolombiana · July 2013

Nicb13 said:

IBackBevo said:

And I also agree a log book is not uncommon. We have gotten away from it with our current nanny, but all of my previous nannies have done it on their own without me even asking...one even brought her own notebook. I think the purpose is yto keep track of what& & how they are eating, if there are any irregularities in BMs or mood, naps, etc. I think even alot of daycares do something similar. Sorry for typos. I'm on my phone.

I learned something new today. I honestly had no idea about these notebooks.

I know daycare centers write stuff down for you but i'd also never heard of nannies writing things down in a log book. I can see it working for some people though. Just to chime in I would personally never have a log book because I don't really care what my DDs eat during the day or if they go to the park or not. I know my nanny feeds them and plays with them, but that's just how I am. Also DD#2 is 3 and starting to tell me some stuff they do during the day.

Anyway back to OP I think that the most important thing is that you are sensing something is not right and you should follow your gut and follow up with your nanny. It's hard not to be confrontational but you should just reiterate the rules to her about not having company over, and telling her to please make sure that she tells you where she goes with your daughter during the day. Good luck!

JJ_13 · July 2013

I don't agree with all your rules, but I think lying is a big deal and it seems to me that something is probably going on. I would either do some sleuthing/nanny cam type stuff or have a professional conversation with her (or both).

Re: the log book, our nanny (it's in her house, so it's not exactly the same) gives us a daily sheet which indicates times of naps, food/milk eaten and how much, diapers, and any major activities/outings.

cecilyandgautam · July 2013

My mom and MIL watched DD for the first couple months I went back to work - it was great and I totally trusted my daughter was in the best care. We had a white board with sections for diaper changes, bottles, naps, tummy time, etc and each day Grams would check off each item. I think we stopped it after the first week, but it was just so everyone, including Grams, could be sure that DD got everything she needed in the day and nothing was forgotten. I don't know what I'd do with all that data if I was still getting daily reports like that, but just throwing out there - it's not that weird, especially if you're transitioning a baby from one caretaker to the other.

NicoleWI · July 2013

A log book is totally normal. I don't know why PP had to call you "paranoid" about valid concerns.

You should absolutely talk to her about the recent issues. I would not be OK with that stuff going on.

boogerbearoriginal · July 2013

IME, your gut is usually right. If you're sensing something is off, talk with her about it. Bring up that you're concerned and see what she says.

It's likely nothing horrible, but perhaps she's made a friend (boyfriend?) and they're meeting up during the day. Obviously not acceptable to be lying, but worth talking to her about. If social visits are ok with you, then perhaps you guys need to have that discussion.

If you continue to feel like you can't trust her then you can either set up nanny-cam or arrange to come home during the day unexpectedly to see what's going on. Or find a new nanny.

And the end of the day, you're leaving your child with this person and if you can't trust her then the arrangement isn't working.

vszapp · July 2013

Thanks ladies. Trust is such a tricky thing. We have already reiterated the rules to her recently, which is part of why this is so concerning. As much as I really hate to do it, I think we're going to try to pop in unannounced and maybe even do the nanny cam thing. I hope we are proven wrong, but my gut is unfortunately pretty good at this stuff.

thedash · July 2013

I think your logbook is totally normal and you guys don't sound paranoid or controlling at all to me. But anyway...

I would be super concerned about the issues you have started to notice. Sit down and have a talk with her ASAP. I know you like her a lot and these issues are probably easy to address but it will get harder the longer you let it go on. It can be awkward to have these types of confrontations but it's really best to get it out there now.

Tink112011 · July 2013

I would politely confront your nanny. As much as you feel you're lucky to have a good nanny, she's lucky to have a job and needs to respect the rules of employment.

Log book = totally normal. My DS is 20 months and in daycare. They record what he ate, how long he napped, and diaper changes. Useful to know if he took a short nap and needs to be sent to bed early. Useful to know if he's going 3 days w/o BMs. Hard to believe this was a new concept for PP.

SparkySharky · July 2013

2chatter said:

I would totally look at the time gap, call the library and ask if they were closed.
Drop your phone on silent into the lining of the diaper bag and track her on GPS. ;-)

I like these two suggestions. I think you need more than a gut feeling that she lied or observations of her coming from the wrong direction in order to be effective when you talk to her. If you can merely confirm that the library wasn't closed, that'd be enough for me to sit her down and say: "I know you lied about this and we have reasons to think you haven't been honest on other occasions. However, I am probably conjuring up a scenario that is worse than what you are actually doing. I need you to be honest with me about what you're doing and maybe we can discuss ways for you to incorporate these things into your day, but keeping me in the loop."

SparkySharky · July 2013

PP suggested calling the library and verifying their hours. I would do that. You need to have something more than a gut feeling that she lied in order to have an effective conversation with her. I would say, "The library wasn't closed when you said that it was, which means that you weren't honest about where you were. What I'm imagining is probably worse than what you actually did, so just be honest. Depending on what you've been doing, maybe we can work something out for you to do these other things while keeping me in the loop. It's a terrifying feeling to think that you don't know where your LO is during the day or who he's with, when it could be perfectly harmless. Please be honest with me."

If she gets defensive, I'd get rid of her. If it's truly harmless, she would be upfront with you. If it's not, she's going to wholeheartedly invest in keeping it covered up.

laurakaz13 · July 2013

Just talk to her honestly (not in an accusatory way) about your concerns. That's what employers usually do, isn't it?

Maybe your rules are a bit harsh, like approving places she goes through you. Do you mean she would have to approve going to Target with your child? That's odd to me.

However, a log book is not strange at all. DD's daycare center writes down naps, diaper changes and we have a menu of what she will eat for the entire month.

st.augbride · July 2013

I'm sorry, but that is completely unacceptable. If she is bringing some guy around your LO without you knowing, then she is at least not focused fully on your child which is her job that she is paid to do, and at the worst, she is potentially bringing around someone who isn't safe. You just have no way of knowing. She might seem great, but if she is lying about something like where they are in the day and who is there, then she should be fired.

DLo13 · July 2013

NicoleWI said:

A log book is totally normal. I don't know why PP had to call you "paranoid" about valid concerns.

You should absolutely talk to her about the recent issues. I would not be OK with that stuff going on.

This exactly.

virginiagirl11 · July 2013

It would concern me, definitely. Even if those things don't directly affect your LO, I don't like the lying. And what if an initially innocent lie ends up putting your LO into harm's way or something? Not cool.

We don't have a log book, but we do ask when we catch up with our regular babysitter at the end of each day about what they did and we do usually ask what LO ate, etc.

DallasHorn · July 2013

We once had a nanny that was doing things I specifically said no to and found out she countinued to do it behind my back. Luckily for me, at the time, my oldest was old enough that I could ask some simple questions and found out. And like you, we have always used a log. I think it's helpful to understand what your kid ate, if they got any medicine, had any issues. And yes, if they went somewhere. Our current nanny always texts me to let me know where they are going! And as a result, I find I trust her more and allow things that I wouldn't with our previous nanny (such as running a her own personal errand during the work day with my kid in tow).

I agree with the poster that said to call the library and verify if they were in fact closed. It would be a very easy way to be 100% sure if she was lying. At that point, I think you have a very hard choice...confront her and give her the chance to fess up or contront her and be prepared with a backup childcare plan.

ljanette85 · July 2013

I would keep an eye on things. She should not be taking your child any place that you are not aware of or have not cleared first.

ccam · July 2013

We don't have a nanny, but I would totally follow your gut on this. If you suspect her of lying, that would be a big problem for me.

outnumbered · July 2013

I am going to play devils advocate. Your husband says the nanny 'totally lied'. How does he know? My writing does not always look the same. Maybe she was frustrated when she crossed it off because she drove there to discover it was closed. I come home from our playgrounds multiple ways. Sometimes I even drive a way that takes longer because the kids are quiet.

MickeyM04 · July 2013

I am a little bit on both sides of this...First, I think a lying nanny is pretty much a deal breaker. On the other hand, you and YH sound pretty controlling.

We do have our nanny write down what DS eats and when, when he poops, and nap times, but that's honestly just because I like to know about his day and it makes me feel more involved even though I'm gone 11 hours a day. Also same concerns PP's mentioned with food, if he had one kind of fruit during the day I like to give something else for dinner, etc. The part that weirds me out is that she has to get approval to take your children somewhere. Our nanny takes DS (and her son) to all sorts of places...out to lunch, Target, the zoo, the park, spray parks, the grocery store, etc. This sounds like such a pain in the butt to have to clear every trip with you, because our nanny would basically be calling us once or twice a day asking if she could go places. And what's the point, really? Are you really going to say no to going to the grocery store or the park? And is your nanny going to be stupid enough to be like, I was thinking of taking them to the shooting range or a bar, to the point where she needs to check with you so you can say no? So it is possible your nanny is lying to you because she forgot to tell you she was going somewhere (the library), took your LO there, then realized you'd be pissed she didn't tell you, so she crossed it off.

As far as the different handwriting, I don't know. Sometimes I try to write things down while I'm holding DS and it's hard for me to write while I'm holding him, or he swats my pen. The fact that you guys are so controlling as to whether your nanny is allowed to leave the house with LO makes me wonder if you aren't being paranoid about this too.

That being said, if you have to ask a message board full of strangers if you should get rid of your nanny, you probably don't feel comfortable with her anymore and that's what counts and you should fire her if that's what will make you feel better.

vszapp · July 2013

The library was closed (I know that for a fact) - she's a smart girl and definitely wouldn't tell a lie that easy to uncover. One of the really hard things is that I barely see the nanny now - I leave ~30 min before she arrives and DH often beats me home. He much more lax and very trusting of her, so even though he thinks she lied about having someone in the house, he's not concerned because he trusts her judgement. I guess part of why I'm scared to confront her too much is that I know she can definitely make more money with other families, but she is staying with us because we make life pretty easy on her. But none of that matters if I can't trust what's going on... Ugh. I will definitely confront her, but in the meantime I'm going to hope that our recent inquiries serve as a shot across the bow. And I think we'll invest in a nanny cam. it makes me feel so dirty but kiddo is priority #1.

vszapp · July 2013

Oh, and this whole log book discussion is so funny. Honestly, if we didn't have it, all DD would eat is bananas, avocados, and grilled cheese.

Mustardseed2007 · July 2013

Not that you've indicated otherwise, but I just wanted to say that I would tell her that you are putting in the nanny cam.

I am 100% for nanny cams, but I really don't like the idea of spying on employees without their knowledge. If she knows you're watching, to me it seems like it would be incentive to make sure she's at her best as much as possible; but installing one without her knowledge seems like you are trying to catch her out - it makes you more like adversaries than partners in caring for your child.

And I think nanny cams are always a good idea.

MickeyM04 · July 2013

I am so anti nanny cam, FWIW. If you need a camera because you don't trust your nanny, then you need a new nanny. A camera isn't going to instill that trust. It's like a bandaid on a broken arm. If you don't trust your nanny enough to leave her with your child without 24/7 camera surveillance, then you should get a new nanny. Even if the camera shows she is being a good nanny and following all your instructions, what kind of relationship do you have with your nanny if you need that tool in order to be able to have that trust. Do you keep it permanently? Do you take it down when you see she's being trustworthy? But then without the camera you have no proof that she's not continuing to be a good nanny. I honestly think if you need a nanny cam to feel safe with your child being with your nanny, this is the biggest red flag that you need a new nanny.

FemShep · July 2013

I think it's better to have an honest discussion with her about your concerns. Tell her that she seemed unusually upset and evasive when you asked about the cross out, and ask her if there's anything she wants to talk about. Think of having a nanny as managing an employee-you want to have regular checkins to see how things are going, if policies need to be changed, etc. And during this conversation, I'd emphasize that you need to be able to trust her completely, so if there's something that needs to change, it's much better to have an open discussion about it.

Also, I think having a log book depends on the age of the child. When we used a nanny for DD1 (ages 4-6 during school vacations), I didn't ask for a log book but her nanny filled me in on their activities each day and would clear something unusual ahead of time. The few times we used a nanny for DD2 as an infant (under 12 weeks), the nanny kept a log of her eating, sleeping, and "activities" (swing time or walk). I would absolutely want a log for a pre-verbal child.

emberlee3 · July 2013

st.augbride said:

I'm sorry, but that is completely unacceptable. If she is bringing some guy around your LO without you knowing, then she is at least not focused fully on your child which is her job that she is paid to do, and at the worst, she is potentially bringing around someone who isn't safe. You just have no way of knowing. She might seem great, but if she is lying about something like where they are in the day and who is there, then she should be fired.

ITA.

ljanette85 · July 2013

I used a log book for every kid that I nannied for, it was a good way to ensure that we all knew what was going on.

IBackBevo · July 2013

FYI, if you want a pseudo-nanny cam, just get a surveillance camera system. We use ours for security reasons and also to watch LO. We can look at it online...so if LO is sleeping in his room, we can look in on him from downstairs (on our phones or laptop) just like a video monitor.

Also, it is great for when we are out-of-town to check in on the house...and our cats and our parrot. You can also set it to motion activated to record. So if someone did break into our house, they would be caught on camera. Even if they broke the camera, it streams to some website and records there so they would be screwed. We even have one pointed outside that tracks anyone in our drive way or on our front porch. Actually, the reason we got it was because someone kept stealing our mail. It is motion activated and records on to some online website. My SIL even got a system after her house was broken into. You can also pick how many cameras you want.

It also serves as our nanny cam...but we don't try to hide it - the cameras are in plain site. You can even zoom in and zoom out and move it around from your phone or computer. We had the system before our current nanny so I'm sure she saw it the first time she was at our house.

mexicolombiana · July 2013

just to chime in again, I also have a surveillance camera in plain view. I login from work a few times a day to say hi to my girls. The camera has a speaker button and they can hear me talking to them. They also know i'm behind the camera and wave and smile.

CaityA83 · July 2013

I'm a nanny and just wanted to say I find this thread very interesting to read from the parent perspective. It's interesting for me to see what employers of nannies have to say or think about these things.

I agree that you should talk with her about things. As far as her coming from a different direction, maybe she needed to swing by the pharmacy before it closed and was afraid you'd be mad that it was a personal errand that wasnt cleared first. I can't imagine working for someone where I would have to lie about such a harmless personal errand... But I wouldn't work with someone who didn't trust me to the point that I would have to clear all activities and errands ahead of time. Been there, done that, the relationship was rough!

It's been a long time since I was a single nanny, meaning not married, but when I was my boyfriend/fiancé/husband has always been a part of my job and time with the kids. By this I mean he stops by for lunch or he comes if I need to babysit late or something. Maybe if she does have a boyfriend you can ask to meet him? I know as a parent I would definitely want to know the guy.

I have scratched things off like that before on the "log". There have been times where I wrote down a phone number or personal financial information or something and scratched it off so that the family didn't think it was a phone call for them. But again I wouldn't see a need to lie about it.

Sorry that you're dealing with this with your nanny. I hope you are able to figure something out that will make everyone comfortable with the situation. I do think it's quite a balancing act.

CrystalJulianna · July 2013

NicoleWI said:

A log book is totally normal. I don't know why PP had to call you "paranoid" about valid concerns.

You should absolutely talk to her about the recent issues. I would not be OK with that stuff going on.

cecilyandgautam · July 2013

CaityA83 said:

It's been a long time since I was a single nanny, meaning not married, but when I was my boyfriend/fiancé/husband has always been a part of my job and time with the kids. By this I mean he stops by for lunch or he comes if I need to babysit late or something.

Thanks for sharing your perspective. I'm curious about this part though - you always had your boyfriend/fiance stop by when you were with the kids? The parents knew and were cool with it? Would he meet up with you at a cafe or in the family's home? I guess I'd be fine with the former if I met him but not the later and I can't imagine many women I know being fine with the later - is that common? I grew up with nannies my whole life and the only time I ever met one of their husband's was when I went to have a sleep over at one of their homes - I met the whole family then, obviously, but I never met a boyfriend or fiance.

mae0111 · July 2013

wife07mom09 said:

Wow. Our nanny is not permitted visitors. I Find it very unprofessional that a boyfriend dropped by for lunch. I also have limited places my nanny can go I want the kids home and don't want them out on the roads so I expect her to tell me what she's been with my kids. My nanny and I have a great relationship. I guess t is all about what family Needs are

This. I would not be OK with anyone's BF/FI/DH hanging around with my kids. I understand that others might be comfortable with it, but it was a clear rule established when we hired our nanny. She doesn't have guests, my kids don't go to her house or to any of her friends' houses. She pre-clears big trips with me, but not every day stuff.

We've had issues with stuff like this with prior nannies. One woman kept bringing DD1 to her friends' house - a 50-something couple with no kids. I told her I didn't want DD1 over there any more, because I didn't know her friends. Her response was, "Oh, but he's Irish!" Because there have never been any Irish pedophiles before? Yeah, that's not really a good answer. Stop bringing my kid to a stranger's house.

*sparky* · July 2013

MauiBliss said:

Interesting to see all of the perspectives but the main thing is, you have to trust your nanny. If she's not being upfront or you think she's not, confront her but also try to be fair about it, knowing that this could be a huge misunderstanding. Good luck.

ITA w/this. Regardless of all the other stuff, if you are not comfortable with what is going on you need to talk to her about. But I would approach her in a kind and understanding way, not guns blazing. I am not saying you are right or wrong, but you seem to be drawing some conclusions that may or may not be accurate.

weststacy · November 2013

We use log books as well, for specifics as many above have mentioned such as eating, naps, etc. in order to keep our daughter in as consistent of a routine as possible, but also for the simple fact that we reimburse her for mileage. I just recently had to terminate our nanny due to some trust issues. Similar to the OP, our nanny was fabulous with our daughter, but things began to not add up. We brought it up twice before I became so nervous and preoccupied at work that being at work was becoming worthless. We are back on the search. No matter how many good references/referrals, etc. ALWAYS go with your gut, you are normally right. I kept trying to talk myself out of the feelings, and I was correct. There were more than a few things going on that had been clearly specified as "off limits" and always followed by blatant lies, followed by drama I would expect from a high schooler, not a professional with 10+ years of experience. It was difficult, and I have no idea what we will do at this point, but take my advice and go with your gut. Your child's safety and well being is not worth the risk.

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