PPD? Guilt, loneliness, overwhelmed, and DD isn't even here yet! (Sorry for the long post)

Ok, so I haven't even been able to say any of this yet. I feel like here it's safe.

I am 37 weeks, 4 days. I have had a super easy pregnancy, and she is my first. I don't know what's going on with me, but I will try to write this out coherently ;P

1: I guess the biggest thing for me is the change. I'm 31, my husband and I got married 3 years ago, much later in life than I would have liked but life happened for a while first... He is the most loving, wonderful man alive I swear. I've known him, and known I wanted to marry him, since I was 16. Took him a *little* longer to figure it out! He has ALWAYS wanted kids. LOTS of kids. He is FANTASTIC with kids. He couldn't wait to start a family. For me, I'm great with kids. I LOVE kids. I was NOT in a rush to start a family however. My dad left when I was 9 and my sis was 6 months, so I raised one already. Mom needed help, I was the second parent, so-to-speak. So I had my fill, not being able to do anything most of my life starting so young. If I had kids, great. If not, great. I am a musician, and my goal in life was to pursue that. He is also, and we were working towards that goal when the baby bug hit him HARD. So off BC I go and we are pregnant 6 months later. I have spent the last 8 months trying to deal with this mess that is my head. I am excited. I LOVE my little girl to pieces already. I can't wait to meet her. Daddy is totally smitten. BUT the other half of me is just so depressed. Everything that I wanted to get to do before we had kids will never happen now. I certainly don't have time/energy for music, and I know I will have FAR LESS once she is here. We were supposed to go on a vacation before having kids (we didn't really have a honeymoon and were planning to go before we tried, but he just lost all interest). There's other things too, but that's the general idea. I am having a very hard time accepting this part. It's so hard to know that I gave up everything I wanted to have this baby. And he doesn't get it. "Oh you can still sing"
"Oh we can still go on vacation, we'll bring the kids!'
"You will have time for your music after she is born. It's not going to change anything!"
"We can still take that vacation you wanted when we retire."
All very nice sentiments, but that's not how it goes sweetheart. Kids are a full time job, not a fun hobby. It hurts too, bc he just doesn't get how much I am hurting from giving up so much to give him what he wanted the most, and he hasn't given up anything, doesn't seem to acknowledge that I have, and treats it like it's no big deal, like I'm being so overly dramatic about it all. I know it must sound petty,,, but my goals and dreams are gone now. And he doesn't seem to care. I am trying so hard to not feel resentful towards my "lil cookie" and I certainly don't ever want her to think I don't love her! Like I said, it's not that I didn't want kids, it just wasn't my goal, and I know I'm getting along in years but it feels too soon for me still. And I feel guilty about feeling this way...

2: I am incredibly lonely. DH is SO excited about the baby that it's like he has forgotten about me. I often feel like I'm just the incubator. He works 10-12 hours a day, and I know that doesn't help. But we wake up in the morning and he will roll towards me to rub my belly and talk to lil cookie. I'm lucky to get a good morning hug twice a week lately. "How's my baby" all the time. Don't get me wrong, I am overjoyed that he is so in love with her, I just feel so forgotten. I KNOW he loves me and I am #1, but I need to see it and feel it, you know? I have tried talking to him, but again, he doesn't get it. I'm "over-reacting" or "too hormonal" or whatever. I have severe pain at night (FM) which is far worse with being pregnant. I can occasionally get him to rub in some pain relief oil I have but usually it takes me sobbing b/c I hurt too much to do it myself, and then it's a 5 minute or less "hurry up are we done yet" thing. ANd I feel like a huge burden, over 5 minutes....

3: I am incredibly overwhelmed. I feel like I am the only one doing anything! Housework is still all on me, he SAYS he will help, but it's "when I have a chance" which means in a week or two, and it's stuff that needs to be done daily. Or NOW. I can't get any help without feeling, again, like I am a huge burden to him. I just want to dry, or scream "I'm carrying your child for goodness sakes can't you help me out even a little?!?!?!" He just doesn't put in the effort.  He doesn't seem to get that once she is here, he will HAVE to do a lot of this for me, I will NOT be able to. And I am so stressed at the thought of how I am going to manage everything b/c I just don't see him doing it. I NEVER ask for help, I haven't hardly at all the entire pregnancy! Household stuff, groceries, helping my deal with the pain I am in, none of it. I just do it all myself most of the time, And when I do point out the things he is supposed to be doing, or ask for extra, I end up feeling like a huge jerk. I'm tired of feeling like a burden!!!

Through all of this, I have also been dealing with depression. I have battled it for most of my life. I went off meds 6 months prior to going off BC. The meds were worse than the depression at that point. I see a counselor who is awesome, and my DH has helped me a TON to get to the point where I could be unmedicated. But all of the above is bringing it back. I knw I am at high risk for PPD. My Dr just wants to put me back on pills immediately after giving borth, which I do not want to do, for many reasons. I know they can help, but there's too much bad to even otut the good when I am on meds. My counselor, while being a wonderful woman, is of the mindset that baby runs life. Baby must never be left alone to cry, baby must never be put down if she is fussing, baby must come first and every aspect of life can take a backseat to her. Don't get me wrong, I am NOT a fan of "put her to bed and let her scream" but there are times where a baby needs to fuss a little. There is a HUGE difference. I just don't agree with the whole mindset of I am nothing more than sustenance and stability for my baby. And the few times I have tried to discuss these things with her, I feel worse b/c of her opinion of it all. Like I am wrong for feeling any of this, b/c baby is first and everything else doesn't matter. Yes, baby is first. BUT I STILL MATTER.

And I feel like everywhere I turn, I DON'T matter.


I don't know what to do. No one else around me seems to get it, or I feel too uncomfortable or guilty to bring it up.

On a lighter note, I can't wait to meet her, but I also kinda want her to stay in there, I LOVE the wiggles and kicks!!! I am gonna miss that SO much

Am I crazy? Has anyone else gone thru this?