no sleep training question

chimneygrl · July 2013

My son is almost 5 months and I don't think that I will be able to sleep train. So my question is has someone decided not to sleep train and how is your little one sleeping? I wanted to ask an older age board.

dufferoo · July 2013

At 10 1/2 months, my son goes to sleep around 7 and wakes up around 7, and wakes up on average once a night. (Occasionally, he sleeps straight through, and occasionally he's up more than once.) He sleeps in his own room and my husband brings him to me to nurse when he wakes up and he almost always falls right back asleep and goes back to his crib. Am I sick of waking up in the middle of the night to nurse? Yes! But I still feel good about our decision to not sleep train. I just keep telling myself he will sleep through when he's ready.

chimneygrl · July 2013

Does your son fall asleep on his own?

jnnfrrose6 · July 2013

Why don't you think you'll be able to sleep train? I'm all for making the right decision for your family, but just curious your reasoning for why you don't think you'll be able to.

dufferoo · July 2013

chimneygrl:
Does your son fall asleep on his own?

Yes. He used to always fall asleep nursing, then he kind of outgrew that and we'd frequently nurse, then sing and rock him to sleep. That got more and more challenging, so we eventually started just laying him down after nursing whether he was asleep or not and he learned to fall asleep like that. There were some nights he would fall asleep like that no problem, some that he'd fuss himself down for a bit, but if he ever got worked up to real crying, I'd go in and soothe him. These days, it doesn't ever really get to that point. It is all a slow-moving progression, but I promise there IS progress!

Kissty · July 2013

My son has just turned 10 mos. Most nights he sleep through. There are some rough nights where he does not but I don't always sleep through either so. I rock and sing him to sleep every night. It does not seem to have affected his ability to put himself back to sleep. I have watched him on the monitor do it many times. I am not comfortable with CIO. I tried "No Cry Sleep Solution" but I realized that I actually enjoy the cuddle time at night. I know that I won't be rocking him to sleep forever. Do what is right for your family regardless of what others tell you. I have been told CIO before he was even born but I am doing what I feel is right.

jlbeanza · July 2013

I just have to chime in and say "never say never". I was 100% adamant that I would not sleep train my daughter, but by 7 months she was waking up 8-10 times per night, and it was really affecting the health happiness of my entire family, including (and most importantly), my exhausted baby. I made it to almost 8 months before trying Ferber, and it worked the very first night. Now she never cries before we put her to bed. She still wakes up once to nurse sometime between 3:30 and 4:30, but that's a-ok with me. One wake up is fine, even two is acceptable, but I was waking up every half hour to hour before, so this feels like heaven.

I wish I hadn't needed it, but I did. Best of luck to you--I hope you find the right solution for your family!

Stephorse · July 2013

We did not sleep train because we didn't need to. Around 12 weeks old he started sleeping through the night at least 10 hours. He still sleeps about 9-10 hours straight through the night. We had more trouble with naps and we just had to learn his cues and get a routine down and now he takes 2 1 1/2 hour naps a day. Your LO just may not be ready yet to sleep through the night. It takes time for some of them.

chimneygrl · July 2013

Thanks for your responses. My son was sleeping through the night and then the 4 month wakeful period has hit. He will go back to sleep with a pacifier and he usually only wakes up once. His naps are 30 mins 4 times a day. When I put him down he will fuss and I don't go to him until he cries. I want him to be able to put himself to sleep, but was wondering if that came with time. I think that he is still to young for sleep training and was just thinking ahead. My husband is no help because he goes to him for every noise. I am now training my husband not to do that.

SarahandSam2007 · July 2013

You don't need to sleep train, ESPECIALLY if you do not feel comfortable with it. I hate hearing parents who trained talk about how difficult it was to hear their kids crying. No kidding...because it's not good for babies! I wouldn't want to be left to cry like that either. My perspective is that I am an adult and I can make reasonable accommodations for the needs of the child that I chose to have. There are other options, like co-sleeping, that can help everyone get more sleep if it comes to a point where you need to change what you are doing. But don't feel like you need to train just because that's what most parents seem to do.

jlbeanza · July 2013

Way to be judgmental--it's easy to say that when your child is not an extreme case. I tried literally everything, including co-sleeping, which worked until she was able to crawl out of the bed by herself, and therefore it was no longer safe AND she wasn't sleeping enough (and neither was anyone else). I know this is a place for opinions, but sleep training does not equate child neglect and can be done very compassionately. I hate the comments from those who didn't need to do it about how the rest of us who "chose" to have a child are taking the easy way out if we practice it. I don't think sleep training is an "everyone is doing it, let's follow the trend" thing. Sleep is crucial for development, and sometimes you have to try everything to make sure that's happening so a child can grow and develop. I could have gone without sleep, but my baby could not. No, it's not the only way, but if nothing else works, sometimes you have to try things you never thought you'd try.

opaque1997 · July 2013

Every baby is different - and sleep training DOES NOT AUTO EQUAL CIO. There are many many different types of sleep training - heck the fact that you put him down and let him fuss is TECHNICALLY sleep training

I suggest you look at sleep lady shuffly, no cry sleep solution the EASY method, etc. You may find one that works for you thats not cry it out. However.. as others mentioned you may one day think - wow I'm holding him and rocking him and he's crying for 20 minutes and then up an hour later and crying for another 20 minutes..e tc so... if I let him cry for 40 minutes its still less then a typical night... I'm just saying.

BUT my point - every kid is different and you will find peopel that are HARD CORE - you must sleep train and you will find others that are HARD CORE the other way - I'd say I was a CIO fanatic but over the years I've seen kids that don't respond well to that and some parents that don't respond well So hang in there - it will work itself out - but educate yourself -you have options

SarahandSam2007 · July 2013

I was not targeting you. I really meant those who talk about CIO with near glee about how hard it was to hear their child cry for a few nights, but now they have their lives back. I've had two moms say this to me, and it felt selfish. Your situation sounds much different from what I was trying to reference. I'm sorry that it felt different than that to you. And I'm glad it only took a night to get your daughter to a better place!

SarahandSam2007 · July 2013

Nicb13 said:

SarahandSam2007:
I was not targeting you. I really meant those who talk about CIO with near glee about how hard it was to hear their child cry for a few nights, but now they have their lives back. I've had two moms say this to me, and it felt selfish. Your situation sounds much different from what I was trying to reference. I'm sorry that it felt different than that to you. And I'm glad it only took a night to get your daughter to a better place!
I let my son cry a bit and he started sleeping better almost right away so damn right I'm gleeful! Any parent that gets decent sleep will be stoked. I usually hate to say "it worked in the past for our parents so why can't it work now" but I knew nothing about "sleep training" and never read a book about what to do for my child so we just made it up as we went. Babies cry, that's almost inevitable. Parents don't need to defend their choices, just be happy with them.

I'm not sure I was asking anyone to defend their choices but was trying to say there are other options and perspectives one can take. It's very clear that I am not a fan of CIO, but often times on these boards--and in "real" life--CIO is the go-to for nighttime parenting help. It's not the only option, and sometimes that's overlooked.
What I was thinking about in my mind when I mentioned the glee was this-- someone asked me how my boy is sleeping, and I mentioned that he was going through the four month regression. Her reply? "Hasn't your pediatrician told you that you can just let him cry? It really wasn't bad for us, she only cried for three nights for 30 minutes and then 20 minutes and then 25 minutes." She was so flippant about it and unaware of the development a baby is going through at that time...that's the glee I was referencing. She was excited that CIO is some wonderful parenting tool. Based on the research that I think most parents ought to do--and really can do so easily with the internet and forums--it's not the best first option for our family. And based on the angst so many others have around even considering CIO, more gentle approaches ought to be mentioned And so should realistic expectations of what babies do at night--they are biologically programmed NOT to sleep through the night. I'm not saying that CIO does not have a time and a place, but I dislike how it's such a go-to solution.
That's all

opaque1997 · July 2013

SarahandSam2007 said:

You don't need to sleep train, ESPECIALLY if you do not feel comfortable with it. I hate hearing parents who trained talk about how difficult it was to hear their kids crying. No kidding...because it's not good for babies! I wouldn't want to be left to cry like that either. My perspective is that I am an adult and I can make reasonable accommodations for the needs of the child that I chose to have. There are other options, like co-sleeping, that can help everyone get more sleep if it comes to a point where you need to change what you are doing. But don't feel like you need to train just because that's what most parents seem to do.

Ok - How about we call out the language that is "hard to read" and causing the "fires" -

I hate hearing parents who trained talk about how difficult it was to hear their kids crying.

My perspective is that I am an adult and I can make reasonable accommodations for the needs of the child that I chose to have.

There are other options, like co-sleeping, that can help everyone get more sleep if it comes to a point where you need to change what you are doing.

IMHO - these three lines - really not needed. You can get your point across without setting off everyone else by being careful about how you word things (trust me I'm not someone to be tactful - in fact I'm very blunt and it gets me in trouble a lot) - but somehow through people pointing things out I'm learning slowly.

The three statements I pulled out make it sound like people who sleep train are doing so for their benefit not the child's. I honestly feel that is really un fair of you to say. I could turn around and say NOT sleep training is bad for your kid -you are teaching your child to be dependent on you and likely doing so for your own emotional needs.. but again THAT wouldn't be fair either.

Sometimes kids cry and it sucks - sometimes we have to listen to it and let them cry because we know in the end its for the better of the child. My child hates the carseat. Do I try everything I can to limit it and make her happy in the carseat - yes - do I not drive her anywhere, do I not make her sit in it? No. Its safer for her to ride in a carseat and thus - I have to listen to her cry about it. I do tell her I'm sorry, I do try and keep her occupied and on longer trips someone sits back there with her.

Its the middle statement that sets me off. I did not sleep train my child for my benefit, nor my convenience, nor my emotional sanity. I did it because my daughter deserves to be able to self soothe and sleep un interrupted for more then 2 hours. We tried co sleeping - she still woke up and was restless, we tried CIO she still was waking up (Sure she'd go back to sleep on her own but not getting that restful sleep) - for us it was a lot of things that needed to be done. SLEEP IS NOT AN EASY THING FOR EVERYONE.

Please please please take this all in and think about it - I hear you - CIO isn't for you and you think its the devil or what not - well you know I don't think its the devil but I'm not sure its an end all be all - nor do I think your solution of cosleeping is the end all be all and for some its not a good idea at all (in fact sadly we have to stop the early morning co sleeping we've been doing because she won't sleep with us around ). SO before you judge anyone please read your statements and think about how someone who is struggling with a child who isn't sleeping (and thus not sleeping themselves) would feel to read your statement.

[Deleted User] · July 2013

<---- not shocked this turned into a CIO debate. Mommy wars FTMFW. OP, we didn't sleep train because we haven't needed to. We still nurse or rock to sleep, and it takes a max of 15 minutes. We are comfortable with that so we'll keep doing what works as long as it works. If her/our needs as a family change, then we'll reevaluate.

I'm a big proponent of doing what works for your family.

SarahandSam2007 · July 2013

Nicb13 said:

@SarahandSam2007 I came on here not to give advice but tell he OP what we did. I could really care less what anyone does with their child to help them sleep. In the big scheme of parenting, teaching a baby to sleep is pretty minor IMO and what you choose to do will have nothing to do with the type of person they become later in life. I told the OP to "do what you are comfortable with" and I meant that.

opaque1997 said: