F/U to Dad calling school--need advice (LONG)

Stella2008 · July 2013

So, the drama with my dad continues, and I really need some advice. Honestly, I just want to throw my hands up in the air on the entire thing, but because of some upcoming plans I can't avoid I don't really have much choice.

You may recall my post last week about my dad calling my daughter's school because of him wanting to see if it was really important that she be there for her last week of school, as he and my mom want to plan a week long vacation for the whole family at the beach. I told him the day before that missing school was not an option, and that we would not do it but I'd check with the school on dates. He called anyway, not just for dates but for "how important" the end of year activities are. Arg.

So, when I called him to ask him why he would have done this, he got really defensive, told me I was being unreasonable, and that I "always get on his case for everything". We have had issues in the past (basically him breeching trust or oversharing information that we've asked him to keep to himself), and I told him that this was just another example of him not respecting boundries. Our call ended by him, angerly, telling me that "this was it" and hanging up on me.

Fast forward to now. I have not reached out to speak to my parents (mom or dad), because I honestly feel I have nothing more to say about this situation. Last night I called my mom (on her cell) to see how her weekend was and how a family wedding was. We also usually do a weekend web chat so my parents can see our kids, and I wanted to see if she wanted to do that since it did not happen Sunday. We had a great conversation, and then towards the end she mentioned how upset my dad still was, and that he was not speaking to me until "I apologized". He also told her that he was "done with me", and so tired of feeling disrespected by me (I honestly am not sure where this is all coming from as we live 5 hours away and see them 4-5 times a year, and have gone out of our way to be sure we always to web chats weekly to see them). In the last 10 years, I have asked them for NOTHING. I calmly told her that I had nothing to apologize for, would not be doing that, and that until my dad realized how his bahavior was wrong.

She told me that she did not think that my dad would want to do the face time chat, but that she would. So we did, and my dad did not participate.

I am hosting a baby shower with my sister and Mom in two weeks, and was planning on staying with my parents when the kids and I come into town (DH is hosting a bachelor party for a wedding a few weeks later and is not coming). I am thinking that it is best that I don't stay with my parents, and instead stay with an aunt. I am sad about the fact that my mom won't really see the kids much, and am a bit worried about how my dad will take this (as I would tell my aunt what happend and I'm sure this would embarrass my dad), but I also am just getting to the point of completely not caring anymore.

Anyone have any thoughts on what they would do?

silentsiren11 · July 2013

I agree that you should stay with an aunt. I also think you should just back away and let him pout and come to you when he's done throwing his temper tantrum. He was the one in the wrong, and it sounds like no amount of explaining this to him will make him understand. He needs to learn boundaries, and maybe space is the best way to teach him this...

tbbaby1215 · July 2013

I would do the same as you. Im sorry but you don't just go behind the parents back when they say missing school is not an option and call the school to see how "IMPORTANT" those days are. I WOULD BE PISSED TOO!

aessary03 · July 2013

I wouldn't apologize either and I'd definitely stay in a hotel. I think you're on the right track. It's a tough situation. Good luck!

ScarlettDahlia · July 2013

I'm so sorry that your dad is acting this way. I can't believe he called the school to check up on how important the last week of school is. Just, wow. I would be livid.

If I were in your shoes, I would tell your mom that if your dad doesn't apologize for his behavior and understand how it was wrong, then the kids and I would not be staying at their house.

twobluelines · July 2013

I agree. I think you are going to have to just wait this one out. If you don't want to take the kids out of school and your family is adamant about when they want the vacation to be, let them go without you. Wait until your father respects you as a parent and no longer as his child. You are doing what you feel you need to do for your kids.

peanutmuse · July 2013

Your dad is 100% in the wrong here, and I think it would be best for you to not stay at your parents' house. While I do feel bad for your mother, perhaps this will open both of their eyes a little bit.

gina0485 · July 2013

I don't have any advice to offer, but I wanted to say I'm sorry your dad has been stressing you out. Hope things work out between you guys!

PreDempsey · July 2013

It's unfortunate that you're mom is caught in the middle of this but I agree with PP's about staying elsewhere. Maybe the pressure of not seeing her grandkids will prompt her to tell your dad to cut the bull.

alpinemomma · July 2013

Boundary issues big time

LatteLady5 · July 2013

peanut+muse:
Your dad is 100% in the wrong here, and I think it would be best for you to not stay at your parents' house. While I do feel bad for your mother, perhaps this will open both of their eyes a little bit.

This. Calling the school was so inappropriate...I can't even imagine how he is trying to justify that. Maybe your mom could hang out at your aunts so she gets to see you all during your visit.

BirdieToldMe · July 2013

I'm kind of wondering if your mom is talking out both sides of her mouth. Do you think she's agreeing with your father and you? Can she stick up for you to your dad and tell him he's being ridiculous? I would be livid that he's now avoiding the web calls, too. That's absurd.

You are right. He is wrong. Period. You never know what tomorrow will bring so I hate it when family fights drag out. I would not count on ever getting an apology from him so you may have to agree to disagree but he needs to cool down and learn that even if he disagrees with your boundaries, he still has to obey them. Ugh. I would be so frustrated if I were you. Stay with your aunt or at a hotel.

KB00 · July 2013

My mother gets the same way and refuses to apologize for anything! Hence why I left and lived with my now husband for a month when I was just 16. I think he needs to respect the decisions you make for your children. He has no right to try to go over your head to fit everything into his own plans. This is going to be my first child but I plan to firmly put my foot down for exactly what I want for my children. From choosing not to use a bumper in the crib which she has already made several comments abt how dramatic I am being to how I discipline to when I go on vacation. Long story short.. You have nothing to apologize for. You make decisions for your children not your parents. And for what it's worth, I was a preschool teacher and the last week really is so much fun for the kids. They truly bond as friends with all the activities rather than just classmates. It's a ton of fun for the kids.

alinafed · July 2013

I think your Dad being embarrassed at you telling your aunt what happened would be a great way to show him how embarrassing it is when he has shared your private information previously, or how embarrassing it was for him to call the school behind your back.

He needs to grow up. I think your approach is bang on, one day he will realize and apologize

sugarland726 · July 2013

It doesn't appear to me that your mom is taking sides, rather she is telling you your father's side and (presumably) telling him yours. I'd stay with the aunt or at a hotel and arrange some time for her with your kids that isn't at her house. No need to penalize her because your dad is having a tantrum like my 3 year old has.

KristaBelieve · July 2013

I agree with PP, you are 100% right. If it was financially feasible, I would stay in a hotel so more family didn't get involved. If he wants to be in your life (& your kids' life) then he needs to respect you. I think it's good you reached out to your mom but he may continue to distance himself, which is sad but fine. I would be thinking about what my hard limits were on this so you are ready once (if) he is ready to talk about what happened and where to go from there.

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F/U to Dad calling school--need advice (LONG)

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