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Blended Families
+just+j+
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Dear SM's.
+just+j+
member
When you care more than your husband about addressing issues with his ex and his own kids...that's a serious red flag.
I'm seeing a lot of SM's out there angry and worked up about the situation with the SM and the child and in the next sentence state how their husband isn't doing anything about it and appears un-concerned. Yet, they are clearly upset and outraged.
Take if from someone who's been there, done that.
That should tell you something. And you should take note and start removing yourself from all the stress and turmoil it's causing you. Not saying you should leave him, but I'd seriously consider not investing time in something he isn't willing to invest himself. You are probably handling and doing way too much in something you really probably don't need to worry about, or in something your husband should be doing himself.
So let him handle it himself.
It will drive you crazy and make you grow resentful if you don't let go on some level.
"he offered her the world. she said she had her own" - poet Monique Duval
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Dear SM's.
BFP #1 11/07/2012 EDD 07/09/2013 M/C 11/22/2012
BFP #2 02/05/2013 EDD 09/19/2013 Arrived via c-section 09/27/2013
I know I am one of these! Not so much that DH doesn't care about the kids and their well being.. DH is always working. I am always put in the middle of it by BM, whom I want nothing to do with because of that she has done to SD's.
I may get flamed for this but I did push DH to get an attorney. DH was worried about money.. I told him money could be replaced.. SD's could not (due to what was happening when BM did have SD's overnight). DH and I were both afraid to send SD's with BM if she ever did show up like she promised every time and DH was willing to risk contempt. I wasn't really pushy but told DH that he would be no good to any of us as the bread winner if her were to be thrown in jail.
I love my SD's to pieces and would do anything for them. I know I'm not their real mom but I am the closest thing SD's have ever had to one besides their grandma and that wasn't a very good situation to say the least.
My Loves= SD 18 SS 16 SS13 DD13 DS10 SD6 SD5
after a while I realized that, with some advice from this board as well. So I totally backed off. The only one who tries to put me in the middle is BM. What BM says about me, even though very vulgar, doesn't really effect me. It hurts more that she will take the time to call and say things that are way out of line but won't even bother to ask about SD's.
ETA: DH now shrugs it off as well because I told him she was just looking for a response to a negative message that had nothing to do with SD's. This happens often and usually while under the influence. It's almost a daily thing.
My Loves= SD 18 SS 16 SS13 DD13 DS10 SD6 SD5
I am going to assume that this post is aimed somewhat at me. Actually, I am over it. I don't really care that ExW is that pathetic and that her daughter is following in her footsteps now. I just find it sad. What's done is done and it doesn't impact my life really. I just find it pathetic that someone makes up stories and involves the child in them. A child who has documented mental illnesses at that. Who does that?
I totally get what you are saying with this.. I think You may be one of the ladies who gave me the advice I got on here before. I have been thinking about it today as BM has been calling drunk and leaving nasty messages about me even though I'm not the one who didn't pick up my children yesterday when I was supposed to, I am able to just shrug it off and go about my day with a smile.
My Loves= SD 18 SS 16 SS13 DD13 DS10 SD6 SD5
This is different because you are clearly in the middle if BM is calling freaking out about you. If BM was keeping DH from the kids and he could not care less or if BM did not make the kid eat veggies and he was fine with it then it is not your problem to solve.
I don't deal with any stepkid stuff unless one of our BMs contact me directly and that is pretty rare and if they do it is usually to 1) make sure H remembers something or 2) if I can watch my SD
I think this was easy for me not to over involve myself because I am also a BM and I know that if my ex's girlfriend got in the middle of something (which she has in the past and it cause as sh!t storm of problems), it is just not appreciated.
I get what you are saying but BM is impossible. She brings me up when she is drunk or mad at DH. It's an all the time thing. I don't have any contact with BM at all. I don't even give SD's hugs in front of her when she does pick up bc I don't want her to take it out on SD's. I give them hugs while inside and I leave the kitchen so she can't even see me through the window as that is the door they go out to meet her. I think BM only does this to get a reaction and then gets really mad bc DH doesn't respond to anything anymore unless it is a direct and legitimate question about SD's.
I am in the middle BC I am SM. BM got mad at SD over the phone because SD told BM I taught her how to read and when we planted flowers together.. just random petty things that are exciting for SD and BM makes a huge deal out of it, turning it into a terrible thing just bc I am involved.
I don't see how I'm not supposed to be involved with SD's.. They are with me 24/7. Which I don't mind at all. I love them just like my own kids. I don't want to be in the middle of the BS and it used to really get to me. I don't let it anymore. BM calling and going on about me has nothing to do with the kids. BM calls to call me names and it's just completely foolish and childish.
My Loves= SD 18 SS 16 SS13 DD13 DS10 SD6 SD5
You need to ask your husband and others not to share this crap with you. If you have a message from her, delete it. Without listening to it. Change your number so she does not have it. When DH starts to tell you something about her. Stop him and walk out of the room. Tell everyone you do not want to hear about it.
XH had kids with her. Not you. He can deal with it and let you know what is important without filling you in on the garbage. And that's what it is. Garbage.
You are letting a drunk get to you. If I worried about half the things XSD and her mother said about me....
This is coming from someone who has been there and used to be bothered by the things they say. I learned, and am still learning on some levels to let go because XSD, XSS, XMIL as well as my XH too continue to talk crap. I can not tell you how much happier I am not giving a rats or entertaining any of it for a second.
Better yet, I know my daughter will be much better for it too and how I react, is the best example she can have on how to deal with these idiots herself in the future.
And this is not just because of you. I see many women here in a toot and their husbands are "eh.".
Give up control. Quit trying to orchestrate for the husbands.
This coming from an outspoken, do it yourself, nurturer, caretaker, former BM who tried to keep her world from spinning out of control. It spun out of control anyway. I now wish I had handled things very differently. I wouldn't have aged near as much I did in the past 5 years and I'd be a hell of a lot happier. Who knows...maybe my marriage would have even survived.
Maybe.
I certainly did waste a lot of time upset at people who weren't worth my time and energy.
Thank you for the advice and I am pretty sure you gave me the advice before because I used to really let it get to me and I'm not the type of person to let here say or gossip get to me easily. I have no clue why I used to get so upset over it but It does feel so much better to just laugh it off.
I do put myself in the middle because I have to document everything. All voicemails, phone conversations, text messages.. everything. I got really fed up and gave up for a couple of months... I then realized that was a huge mistake so started it up again about 5 months ago. What BM says about me doesn't effect me at all.. the fact that she will call and leave 15 to 20 nasty messages about me in a single day and not even ask about SD's is what gets to me. I can't stand BM for that. But SD's aren't supposed to call me mom or be close with me.
SD's are both very troubled from the life they lived through before I came along.. I'm not trying to make myself out to be supermom or anything but I try to teach them different ways to deal with things. SD's saw me upset one time over something BM had done and SD's were in tears thinking I was going to leave. So I do not show any negative emotions around them, unless I'm just feeling down.. they can see that and try to cheer me up. That's hard to get around bc SD's are always with me. They are used to nothing but being yelled at and called very bad names.
To be honest.. I would have probably already been gone if it weren't for SD's but I know They would have no one. DH tries but works all the time and is learning. His thought is that the more he buys them the more they are showed they are loved. I'm trying to break this. SD's know I love them and I just buy them a cute shirt or a board game... things they can use and learn from but still makes them feel special.
Sorry for the long reply. I really do respect your advice a lot.
My Loves= SD 18 SS 16 SS13 DD13 DS10 SD6 SD5
Thank you. I just wish BM would just step up or go away. I honestly don't think it will ever happen and with the way she is, It's best for SD's. Not to bash BM but I never thought I could feel so much hatred as I feel toward her, simply bc of what SD's have been and are still going through because of her.
My Loves= SD 18 SS 16 SS13 DD13 DS10 SD6 SD5