good idea or bad idea?

LaurenB0726 · July 2013

Hi Everyone,

My name is Lauren and this is my first post on here. My husband and I have been married for 5 years. We have been through a lot of health and job issues so we have been living with his mom for five years. We are thinking of starting a family in the near future while we are still living here. While I am really excited that we are starting the "thought process" of having a baby, I have received mixed reactions to this idea concerning our living situation.

I could use some input on the subject.

The number one concern I have heard out of my parents is that my mother in law "can be very controlling and that she would take over raising the baby" -

concern number two: " it might delay moving into your own space" - "how long will you be there after baby"

concern number three: " will your rules be respected, will boundaries not be crossed?"

of course those thoughts have entered my mind as well, but the pros are out weighing the cons in my mind:

Pro number one from my 77 year old grandmother was that we would have an in house "nanny" who is a family member, who we know and trust so when I have to go back to work, I know who is looking after our little one.

number two: we would be able to have the baby and raise him or her in the house we have called home until we are ready to move or when we have enough money and can afford it we can take over the house from his mom and buy it.

Number three: The house is big enough for us to have our space. There is an extra room that is next to our bedroom. We could make it a nursery.

Do you think having a baby while living here a good or bad idea?

thanks,

Lauren, New Jersey

mylittlesunshine · July 2013

Based on what you are saying, it sounds like you are living with your mil because of some financial issues.

I think it is foolish to have a baby while living at someone else's home. First off, get on your own two feet. If you can't support yourself enough to have your own place, you shouldn't be considering adding a child. Be responsible and get to a spot in life where you aren't depending on others.

Secondly, I think it is a bit presumptuous to already be making plans of turning a room at someone else's home that you are living at into a nursery. It is also presumptuous to just assume that your mil will take on that roll of a childcare provider when you return to work.

Get your finances in check, get your own place and THEN start discussing having children.

oneblessedmess · July 2013

I personally think this is a very bad idea. To me, it's irresponsible to be thinking about having a baby when you can't even afford to live on your own. I definitely understand life circumstances preventing you from having your own place, but you are doing things backwards. Save for the home and THEN plan for the baby. Babies are expensive. You are not going to want to think about spending money on your own home when you're spending thousands on hospital bills, diapers, food, clothing, and everything else a baby needs. So when exactly do you plan to stand on your own two feet? How can you fully support your child financially if you have to depend on someone else to support YOU?

Also, have you talked to your MIL at all about this? It sounds like you are making some pretty big assumptions there. Has she actually said she is okay with having a baby in her house? Or that she is totally cool with staying at home all day with a baby while you go to work?

It honestly does not sound like you have thought this through at all. Please do not do this unless you truly think it is the BEST option for all parties involved, including MIL and baby, and not just something you do because you are having baby fever and can't wait.

greengirl0909 · July 2013

I totally agree with the PP. Unless there is some dire reason you NEED to conceive right now, having a baby while living with someone else is a bad idea. It's a particularly bad idea if you are living there for financial reasons.

Also, you should remove your full name from you signature. Not everyone on the internet is nice.

kmos24 · July 2013

We moved into my soon to be in-laws when I was 5 months along with my now 5 month old daughter. It had it's ups and downs, but always having someone there was nice. Especially with all the hours my fianc? was working his mom was a big help. I was able to get me time, in between nursing.

mmiller7460 · July 2013

It's best to wait until you are in a better financial situation and able to live in your own home. If you aren't in an OK place money wise then how would you be able to afford all of the medical costs of pregnancy and labor and also baby's basic needs when she is born?

mobraniff · July 2013

So it sounds like you might want to do some real inventory of your life right now. Based on what you have written it seems like you are conflicted about whether you want to move out of the MIL's house or buy it from her in the future. If you want to stay there and have no real plans to actually move out then by all means do it! If you are thinking that you would like to move into your own place then let me tell you from experience- moving with baby is not easy! They just have too much equipment... Either option is great but having a concrete plan for it would help.

It also seems like you have some knowledge of how expensive medical care can be, so I would say do some research and figure out how much you will have to pay out of pocket for delivery, basics, formula, diapers, etc. This can even be part of the decision making process- we won't start trying until we have saved this much money.

The other thing I think is to bring your MIL into the conversation. She may say that she is done raising her kids and she doesn't want to be your live in nanny. Or she has a plan for the "nursery" that does not include a crib or rocking chairs. That might make the decision for you right there.

Ultimately, I think you have a few more questions to consider before deciding if this is a good or bad idea.

ngolimento · July 2013

It's not just a bad idea, it's an awful idea. It is irresponsible to have children when you are in a bad financial place (having a BC mishap is one thing, willfully getting pregnant is another).

Not only that, but you are pulling a lot of people into this without talking to them about it. You can't just assume your family will be 100% happy with sacrificing yet another room to you is ok.

You also can't assume that some poor woman is A.) ok with being your free babysitter, and B.) physically capable of being your free babysitter. Picking up the baby and picking up after the baby is physically demanding and hard on the back. She might not even be capable of doing what you are planning. What is your alternative then? You obviously can't afford daycare, or to have one of you not working. You'd be up a creek without a paddle.

Pepper6 · July 2013

Peledreamsofrain:
It's not just a bad idea, it's an awful idea. It is irresponsible to have children when you are in a bad financial place (having a BC mishap is one thing, willfully getting pregnant is another).
Not only that, but you are pulling a lot of people into this without talking to them about it. You can't just assume your family will be 100% happy with sacrificing yet another room to you is ok.
You also can't assume that some poor woman is A.) ok with being your free babysitter, and B.) physically capable of being your free babysitter. Picking up the baby and picking up after the baby is physically demanding and hard on the back. She might not even be capable of doing what you are planning. What is your alternative then? You obviously can't afford daycare, or to have one of you not working. You'd be up a creek without a paddle.

All of this. Also, it's not only irresponsible and presumptuous, but it is one of the most selfish things you could possibly do. You are voluntarily bringing a child into the world that you cannot support on your own. What kind of life are you able to provide for them? Having a child means their needs are above your own, yet you are already putting your want of a baby ahead of their need for you to support them. Not cool.

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