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Blended Families
twister22
member
Annoyed with XAMIL
twister22
member
XAMIL = X Almost-Mother-In-Law (BD & I never married, thank goodness.)
(Background: DS(4.5) is CO'd to see BD EOWE, but BD is sporadic on visits at best, and the visits he does take almost never last more than a day, typically they're just for several hours, and they rarely happen during BD's CO'd time. DS calls both BD and DH "Daddy," and BD is fine with that. DS met DH when he was 2, and started calling him "Daddy" all on his own, and we actually discouraged it at first. DS doesn't remember a time in his life that DH wasn't in it, but we're very honest about the whole thing.)
For BD's last visit XAMIL p/u'd DS. I haven't seen her for almost 2 years because she hides any time I'm around. BD and I get along fine. He's an idiot, but we get along fine. Anyway, the p/u went fine, and DS spent 2.5 hours in the car with XAMIL riding down to the campground they were staying at for the weekend.
Anyway, earlier this week DH, DS, & I were riding in the car and here is the conversation DS and I had:
DS - "XAMIL said the BD is my REAL Daddy. What does that mean?"
Me - "It means BD is your biological dad."
DS - "XAMIL said that BD was there when I was in your belly, and DH wasn't."
Me - "Yes, BD and I were together when you were in my belly, and DH met us when you were 2."
DS - "But is DH still my Daddy? Because I want him to be my Daddy."
Me - "Yes, DH is still your Daddy too. You have two daddy's, you're one lucky boy!"
DH to DS - "I love you very much buddy."
Obviously I'm hearing things from a 4.5 year old, so there could be more to the story. But, what I'm gathering is that XAMIL was trying to make it clear to DS that BD is his dad and DH isn't. WTF woman?! Leave my DS alone. DS is a very well adjusted kid, and I am doing my darn-est to make sure he has a great relationship with both BD & DH, and that he doesn't have daddy issues. And I swear to goodness if you try to get in the way of that, we're going to have issues.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Annoyed with XAMIL
Take this for what its worth, but you do not know what your EX told his mother about the situation.
Heck, you don't know how the conversation started. Your son could very well have said something about your DH, but calling him Daddy and your EAMIL was trying to figure out who he was talking about.
This is what happens when you allow the gray areas.
I agree. And I can see why bd's mom would point out the differences... It is a little confusing. Your ds is bound to ask some questions as he grows older and learns that most kids only have one dad, so you're going to have this conversation sooner or later. No harm no foul IMO.
A few weeks back DS & DH had this conversation:
DS: Daddy, did I do x when I was a baby?
DH: I don't know buddy, I wasn't there.
DS: Yes you were.
DH: No I wasn't, I met you when you were 2, remember?
I know DS has yet to grasp the whole BF aspect, but I think the fact that XAMIL used the term "real" is what gets me the most. IMHO, sperm doesn't a man the "real" father. That, and the fact that XAMIL is BSC, and I truly believe she is bipolar, which isn't her fault, but she should get diagnosed and treatment for it.
eh, I am still not getting all that up in arms. You and I and your son understand that you are using the definition of "real father" in reference to the parental acts performed by your DH.
But your XAMIL is using the definition of "real" in the biological terms and that is the truth.
Its not as if XAMIL has not seen this term used on trash tv, movies, and most other media outlets. It is an adjective that has been used in terms of biological parents for years now.
The more you stress it, the more power you give it. Your son knows who is "real daddy" is, title or not.
I think you explained it to DS well. I also think that although the term upset yoy, DS will always know who actually took care of him and who didn't. Names don't really define that for kids.
I agree with all this. OP, although you define real dad by the person that raises your DS, it isn't wrong to say that his BD is his real dad either. I'm sure you don't like it because of all your DH does and how you feel, it isn't necessarily wrong. Our situation is different then yours as in DH never thought it was okay for SS to call his SF dad, and my DH is very actively (and has always consistently) been involved. However, we used the term "real dad" to explain the relationships to SS as well. SS would constantly say that SF was his dad and was confused as to who DH was around the age of 5. We needed to explain in the simplest easiest way possible. I get that you are mad because you feel like your XMIL was trying to degrade the role your DH has in your DS's life, but you need to remember that not everyone may see that relationship the way you do.
P.S. I didn't mean for it to come off as rude or snarky, so I apologize if it did. I was just trying to be straightforward.
This.
Aren't you the poster that has decided to change DS's name to DH's name? I can't imagine that EAMIL would be very supportive of that. Idiot or not, it sounds like BD is around and trying his best to be a parent... the fact that YH is a better father, doesn't make him more your son's dad than his BD. He's a lucky little boy with two real dads, and everyone is getting hung up on verbage.