GTKY: IF and Emotions

Mochadoodle · July 2013

I follow RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association on FB. A great question was posted today...

Throughout the infertility journey, you go through a lot of different emotions. Which one is the hardest for you to handle?

Mochadoodle · July 2013

Jealousy

I get so jealous of the fact that our siblings have been able to grow their families so easily. And DH and I just seem to be at a standstill. I don't want to be a jealous person, but it is something that I definitely am struggling with.

monimu13 · July 2013

Not sure what the exact word is. I get hurt/annoyed by pregnant people or people with children when they aren't thankful for the baby they have, or b!tch about being pregnant. Some girl at work just had to show me a picture she took the previous night of her feet swelling. The whole time she was telling me about how much she just wanted the baby out (she has no knowledge of our struggles). I'm sure that some parts of pregnancy are hard, but sometimes I just want to say STFU.

katib77 · July 2013

It's not really a emotion, but it sparks emotions like crazy. I've accepted (on a certain level) the thought of "What if this never works for us?" And I can picture the next 10, 20, even 30 years being able to be a happy couple of just us two if that is what our life will look like. But it's the farther future that makes me emotional...thinking of life when DH dies (He's six years older and has a family history of men dying young. His Dad at 68 is the longest living man on that side of the family ever.) So let's say he is gone at the age of 70, I'll be 64 (My parents current age). Suddenly, I'm alone in the world - my parents will be dead, I'll have no children, and have lost my husband. I'll be that sad aunt invited over for Christmas because I have no where else to go to but my adult nephews houses. And when I die, people won't want my stuff and memories because they're not really attached to it. It's just so frickin' sad to think of that. This came out once when talking to my brother - who while I talk to at least once a month we're close but not super close KWIM? He said "As long as I'm alive you'll have someone who cares about you." But still. Hell I'm crying just typing this out. And I'm not an emotional person. But this fear doesn't go away, just thinking of dying alone.

ksgsmu · July 2013

hmmm well my emotions are all over the place, but the one I hate the most is fear. Fear makes me questions everything and puts pressure and panic in my life. I hate it.

ky29 · July 2013

As I read through the previous posts, I kept agreeing with each one of them. I think the one that's hardest for me is to hear people complaining about their pregnancy (especially over things that really aren't worth complaing about). Especially after having a very high risk pregnancy, hearing other people think their pregnancy is 'high-risk', it doesn't even compare to what I went through. I realize it's not their fault, and having any issue while pregnant, no matter how small, can be scary! But it's just not easy for me to hear.

In other words, I just want people to not take their pregnancy for granted.

vpine · July 2013

Not sure what the right word is: feeling like a loser, the fact that I'm a female and should be able to conceive and being told there's no known cause why I haven't been able to. Loser emotion?

scbedi · July 2013

Probably just the roller coaster of it all, too scared to get your hopes up but concerned that if you don't put good juju towards a cycle then it will bring bad luck. Maybe "uncertainty" is the best word.

novelblessings · July 2013

I can relate to what most have said. Right now, more than anything, I'm just anxious. I'm anxious to get things rolling, to have a plan, to see if this will work. So far everything that has been wrong has been with me. So I guess I'm also disappointed and scared.

Twinkie0612 · July 2013

katib77:
It's not really a emotion, but it sparks emotions like crazy. I've accepted (on a certain level) the thought of "What if this never works for us?" And I can picture the next 10, 20, even 30 years being able to be a happy couple of just us two if that is what our life will look like. But it's the farther future that makes me emotional...thinking of life when DH dies (He's six years older and has a family history of men dying young. His Dad at 68 is the longest living man on that side of the family ever.) So let's say he is gone at the age of 70, I'll be 64 (My parents current age). Suddenly, I'm alone in the world - my parents will be dead, I'll have no children, and have lost my husband. I'll be that sad aunt invited over for Christmas because I have no where else to go to but my adult nephews houses. And when I die, people won't want my stuff and memories because they're not really attached to it. It's just so frickin' sad to think of that. This came out once when talking to my brother - who while I talk to at least once a month we're close but not super close KWIM? He said "As long as I'm alive you'll have someone who cares about you." But still. Hell I'm crying just typing this out. And I'm not an emotional person. But this fear doesn't go away, just thinking of dying alone.

Sh!t now I'm crying reading your post!

I think that the thought of growing old and having no family is the hardest for me too. I think about when my grandparents got older and eventually needed help caring for themselves, their five children (and grandchildren) took care of them. I'm sad that I may not have family around me when I am older.

i think the hardest "emotions" I deal with are anger and jealousy. I used to get so mad that we can't seem to get pregnant on our own, while others just seem to get pregnant at the drop of a hat (I realize this is not always the case, but it's my perception). I also used to get so angry that I have great insurance, but still have to pay OOP for treatments and testing. I just want to find the person who decided that my company didn't need IF coverage, kidnap their children and tell them that maybe they can have them back for $20,000. That's pretty much how I feel right now, I can spend $15-20,000 and maybe I'll have a baby. That blows.

RubiksElf · July 2013

The hardest emotion to handle has changed as this journey has continued, from jealousy to helplessness to fear. But right now the hardest one is fear. What if I can never carry a baby to term for our family? It's so hard to get pregnant and then my body can't seem to stay pregnant when I am. That fear is probably mostly related to the fact that I may have to change the plan I had in mind for what my future looks like though.

RubiksElf · July 2013

Twinkie0612:
katib77:
It's not really a emotion, but it sparks emotions like crazy. I've accepted (on a certain level) the thought of "What if this never works for us?" And I can picture the next 10, 20, even 30 years being able to be a happy couple of just us two if that is what our life will look like. But it's the farther future that makes me emotional...thinking of life when DH dies (He's six years older and has a family history of men dying young. His Dad at 68 is the longest living man on that side of the family ever.) So let's say he is gone at the age of 70, I'll be 64 (My parents current age). Suddenly, I'm alone in the world - my parents will be dead, I'll have no children, and have lost my husband. I'll be that sad aunt invited over for Christmas because I have no where else to go to but my adult nephews houses. And when I die, people won't want my stuff and memories because they're not really attached to it. It's just so frickin' sad to think of that. This came out once when talking to my brother - who while I talk to at least once a month we're close but not super close KWIM? He said "As long as I'm alive you'll have someone who cares about you." But still. Hell I'm crying just typing this out. And I'm not an emotional person. But this fear doesn't go away, just thinking of dying alone.
Sh!t now I'm crying reading your post!
I think that the thought of growing old and having no family is the hardest for me too. I think about when my grandparents got older and eventually needed help caring for themselves, their five children (and grandchildren) took care of them. I'm sad that I may not have family around me when I am older.
i think the hardest "emotions" I deal with are anger and jealousy. I used to get so mad that we can't seem to get pregnant on our own, while others just seem to get pregnant at the drop of a hat (I realize this is not always the case, but it's my perception). I also used to get so angry that I have great insurance, but still have to pay OOP for treatments and testing. I just want to find the person who decided that my company didn't need IF coverage, kidnap their children and tell them that maybe they can have them back for $20,000. That's pretty much how I feel right now, I can spend $15-20,000 and maybe I'll have a baby. That blows.

Both of your posts resonate so much with me. The emotions involved with IF are all so dark and difficult to handle!

rox825 · July 2013

vpine:
Not sure what the right word is: feeling like a loser, the fact that I'm a female and should be able to conceive and being told there's no known cause why I haven't been able to. Loser emotion?

Yes, this, but for me I think I'd call it embarrassment. Which is why I've completely stopped talking to people about our struggles and treatment, with the exception of you all. It's embarrassing that my body isn't doing something that it should be biologically programmed to do easily. So I don't want people to know that I've been poked and prodded, operated on, stuck with needles, had catheters inserted into places where they should never be inserted, and been molested by an ultrasound wand more times than I can count. There's a lot of self consciousness and shame that comes with it for me. I know I shouldn't feel that way, but I can't help it.

ttuprincess · July 2013

Wow. You guys have me tearing up just reading some of these posts.

I think the disappointment is one of the hardest for me. I try really hard to be realistic and not to get my hopes up, but it never fails, the disappointment comes every cycle that there is a bfn. I feel disappointed in myself that because of me my husband might not have any biological children. I feel disappointed each cycle when the results are not good and treatments don't work. It seems no matter how much you try to brace yourself or prepare yourself for a bad outcome, the diappointment is still strong and it still hurts every month. I think for me the disappointment is the hardest because no matter how much I try or how much I know it is coming, it still tears through me every month.

wearebirds · July 2013

Disappointment.

I can take being around babies and pregnant people....most days. Although I cry about those also, I have the hardest time being disappointed. I let myself get so hopeful just to be disappointed in the end. It's easier to downplay the hope, but then people look at you as cynical. Lose lose.

Cindal · July 2013

Anger/Frustration and the uncertainty of it all. I was never an angry person before IF. I didn't say or even think mean things usually. Now I find myself being angry at everything and it doesn't even seem to want to stay confined to IF things. I can't find happiness easily for other people anymore. I get so angry at the injustice of it all. Angry at money, angry at family, angry at DH when he refuses to do his part or brings up yet another aspect of IF that he's thrown out the window, angry that now that the other grandkids have babies I can't have a normal conversation with my grandparents and that they leave me out in the cold like I'm not important anymore, even though I drive an hour both ways at least once a week to spend all day with them just because I love them and they are important to me, angry at people who have kids and don't love them or take care of them properly. Just angry. I hate the person IF is trying to turn me into, so then I get angry at me for having feelings.

And I know the root of my anger lies in the uncertainity of our situation. If I knew without a doubt what would happen one way or the other I could process and move on, but instead I live in this state of constant limbo surrounded by a thousand swirling what-ifs and I can't plan my life anymore, not even a little bitty bit.

Soon-To-BeMrs.P · July 2013

katib77:
It's not really a emotion, but it sparks emotions like crazy. I've accepted (on a certain level) the thought of "What if this never works for us?" And I can picture the next 10, 20, even 30 years being able to be a happy couple of just us two if that is what our life will look like. But it's the farther future that makes me emotional...thinking of life when DH dies (He's six years older and has a family history of men dying young. His Dad at 68 is the longest living man on that side of the family ever.) So let's say he is gone at the age of 70, I'll be 64 (My parents current age). Suddenly, I'm alone in the world - my parents will be dead, I'll have no children, and have lost my husband. I'll be that sad aunt invited over for Christmas because I have no where else to go to but my adult nephews houses. And when I die, people won't want my stuff and memories because they're not really attached to it. It's just so frickin' sad to think of that. This came out once when talking to my brother - who while I talk to at least once a month we're close but not super close KWIM? He said "As long as I'm alive you'll have someone who cares about you." But still. Hell I'm crying just typing this out. And I'm not an emotional person. But this fear doesn't go away, just thinking of dying alone.

This. Exactly. But also the shame shame and lonliness of being broken... infertility is that taboo thing women won't talk about IRL. I am trying to break that cycle with my IRL friends and family and so far, most of them are so supportive and non- judgmental. But others will see me as broken. Sometimes I see myself that way.

jjdale288 · July 2013

I would go between jealousy and worthlessness. I am so jealous of all of my siblings, friends and coworkers having kids. I think there are only a couple girls I work with that don't have kids out of 40 or so and those girls aren't married. I also feel worthless to my husband. Especially now that I have this hyperplasia, if my megace doesnt work and I have to have a hysterectomy.

mmb248 · July 2013

#1 for me is the fear that katib77 described. I joke that kids are my retirement plan, but honestly, they are. Not financially, but emotionally. And, I know if babies don't happen for us, we can adopt, but then I think about how my mom copes with my dad's death. My dad died when he was 55 and my mom was 49. She has said over and over, "What would I do without you girls?" Not because we're there with her every day, but because (as she says), she still has him through us. She doesn't miss his eyes, because I have them and she doesn't miss his smile/dimples because my sister has them.

But the emotion I fee most often is self-loathing. I'm mad at myself for being jealous of people no one should be jealous of, like teenagers struggling with an unplanned pregnancy. I wonder if DH thinks I'm broken, or if he wishes he had married someone who could get pregnant. I wonder if dr's or friends/family think it's for the best that I'm not KU, because after all, I'm fat and that's not healthy. I'm about at the point where I look myself in the mirror every day and tell myself, "You're kind, giving, smart, and dammit you deserve a baby."

KTdid81 · July 2013

Disappointment.

When my family announces each time that they are expecting, it really hurts. I feel like "why not me". But I paste a smile on my face and act like I am happy. I am happy for them....but unhappy for myself. I keep thinking, and I feel selfish for thinking it - What Did I Do To Deserve This???? Is my life too easy? Am I too lucky in other areas so this is karma to balance it out?

I have always thought of crying as a sign of weakness, so I don't let my emotions out in front of others. Very few people know how hurt I feel inside.

KTdid81 · July 2013

mmb248:
I wonder if DH thinks I'm broken, or if he wishes he had married someone who could get pregnant.

I feel this all the time. Sometimes I find myself thinking that maybe if we would have married other people that we would have been able to have children. What if it's just us mixed together that doesn't work. I find myself having to be reassured that he is still happy that he married me.

ccollins06 · July 2013

Emptiness or loneliness. We are early thirties, which means pretty much everyone else in our circle is having babies. Or if not, recently married, which means I feel like I'm gasping for air while holding my breath, waiting for that inevitable pregnancy announcement, while we are still childless four years later. I now know the meaning of "arrested development." We have met many of our life goals at this point, and have been ready for, "the-next-big-thing" for quite some time now, but to no avail. I haven't mentioned it to H, as we are still hopeful, but if it doesn't happen for us, I feel like I will need a major life change in order to cope.

It is a lonely place to be when everyday conversations seem to be centered around "the best diaper rash creams," or when you can't get quality time with friends that doesn't fit into their nap schedules or the availability of their sitter.

**Most** days, I enjoy my family and friends' infants, toddlers, and even their pregnancies. On bad days, jealousy and self-pity creep in and I question, why this is our reality? How is it fair? Will I permanently be "excluded" from adult conversations when I have nothing witty or knowing to add to the "mommy banter?" That's my biggest struggle in the here and now.

rox825 · July 2013

ccollins06:
Emptiness or loneliness.nbsp;nbsp; We are early thirties, which means pretty much everyone else in our circle is having babies.
We have met many of our life goals at this point, and have been ready for, "thenextbigthing" for quite some time now, but to no avail. I haven't mentioned it to H, as we are still hopeful, but if it doesn't happen for us, I feel like I will need a major life change in order to cope.It is a lonely place to be when everyday conversations seem to be centered around "the best diaper rash creams," or when you can't get quality time with friends that doesn't fit into their nap schedules or the availability of their sitter.Most days, I enjoy my family and friends' infants, toddlers, and even their pregnancies. On bad days, jealousy and selfpity creep in and I question, why this is our reality?How is it fair? Will I permanently be "excluded" from adult conversations when I have nothing witty or knowing to add to the "mommy banter?"

Ugh, all of this too. H and I have both been feeling so lonely lately because almost all of our friends are parents so their social activities involve other parents and largely leave us out, or the few who are single are still doing the bar scene which we have no interest in. Where does that leave us? Alone together most of the time. We've talked about moving back into the city or to the beach if we end up CFNBC. It definitely sucks to feel like an outcast among your friends.

Great, now I'm tearing up along with the rest of you! Maybe this is actually the hardest emotion for me to deal with, the isolation. Worse than embarrassment, although they may go hand in hand.

shelbeans82 · July 2013

Currently I think I feel lost. I have always been one to plan things, work hard and make it happen. And with IF I have no control over if things will work or not, no matter how hard I try. I also love to plan (vacations, parties, redecorating, etc) and it helps reduce stress for me. But the things I love to plan aren't going to happen as we are saving for future tx/IVF. I feel like we are going nowhere, not moving forward with LIFE waiting for this to happen, even though we are living and trying to enjoy things, but still not the way I would like. When I look back on the past year 10 years from now or so, I think I will feel like it was lost time. And that makes me feel lost and sad.

mmb248 · July 2013

BlueJoan:
SNIP

This too. We were at a picnic this weekend and I was talking with the ladies when one of them turned to me and said that since I don't have kids what would I know about it. I sucked it up and went to talk to the husbands. They talked cars and I didn't know anything there but I wasn't being excluded.

WTF? BlTCH. It's just the absolute only word in my head right now. I cannot even imagine such a person.

Toriables · July 2013

Mochadoodle:
I follow RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association on FB. A great question was posted today...
Throughout the infertility journey, you go through a lot of different emotions. Which one is the hardest for you to handle?

The hardest part for me is jealousy! I find myself envying everyone who has kids and it makes me so angry and feel so rotten.

mmhopeful · July 2013

Peace.

How do I come to peace with the natural inability to have children? My grandmother had 18 children. I am one of 4 girls in my family. All of our relatives have 3 or 4 children each. My father was one of 5.

I am looking at the "window of time" I have for fertility treatments to be covered....up to age 40 and the statistics that continue to go against us as couple. I can't help that I found the love of my life at 38 and we married when I was 39 and here we are approaching our 1st wedding anniversary this August and have not fulfilled my one dream that I have left in life.....to be a mother.

I am a teacher and work with everyone else's children and have become an "expert" on behavior and basic skills, but somehow can not relate to parents who continually tell me, "well you're not a parent. You don't understand."

Jealousy does come into my thoughts and then I quickly remind myself that God gives me all that I need at the time I need it. I just wish I knew "HIS PLAN" for this important goal in my life.

I attend church regularly and it helps to bring me peace, but then those feelings arrive again that wish for what I see others acheiving so easily. It is all such a journey that I NEVER would have seen for myself years ago. I always knew I wanted to be a teacher but then said I didn't want a career in it as raising a family first would be my full time job. It's hard to come to a sense of peace that THIS might be the best I can hope for.....a loving husband, being a caring aunt and Godmother to others, and a healthy person. That is still more than what many could hope for.

Everyone's posts were SO RELATABLE. I wish us all Peace.

ttuprincess · July 2013

This is one of those threads I wish I could show to people when they try to tell me to just relax or ask why I am stressing over IF. So often the reactions I get from people is that I am just stressing over trying to have a baby or making a big deal out of nothing. If only they could understand the intense emotions, fears, and anxieties that come with dealing with IF. That is one of the reasons I am forever grateful for this board -- it connects me with you ladies who understand so completely the emotions and fears IF brings with it.

SweetTea420 · July 2013

I think the hardest emotion for me is jealousy. I hate that all my friends are getting KU with no problem at all. I have a really hard time when they first tell me, which I hate because I should be happy for them. I also have a hard time with the loneliness. Only a few people are aware of what we're going through, but even then they really have no idea what it's like to go through IF.

Twinkie0612 · July 2013

shelbeans82:
Currently I think I feel lost. I have always been one to plan things, work hard and make it happen. And with IF I have no control over if things will work or not, no matter how hard I try. I also love to plan (vacations, parties, redecorating, etc) and it helps reduce stress for me. But the things I love to plan aren't going to happen as we are saving for future tx/IVF. I feel like we are going nowhere, not moving forward with LIFE waiting for this to happen, even though we are living and trying to enjoy things, but still not the way I would like. When I look back on the past year 10 years from now or so, I think I will feel like it was lost time. And that makes me feel lost and sad.

I can relate to this.

I am a planner (and a worrier). I have always been the type of person that if I wanted something, I made a plan and then worked hard to get it. Accepting that IF was out of my control was difficult for me.

We have also not lived life to the fullest the last year or so. We have skipped vacations and have been trying to live pretty frugally. Even though I know that I won't regret trying, I worry that if this all doesn't work out, that DH will regret the small fortune we have spent on IF testing and treatments. He swears that he doesn't care how much we spend, but I'm sure that we will have to draw the line somewhere.

mmhopeful · July 2013

ttuprincess:
This is one of those threads I wish I could show to people when they try to tell me to just relax or ask why I am stressing over IF. So often the reactions I get from people is that I am just stressing over trying to have a baby or making a big deal out of nothing. If only they could understand the intense emotions, fears, and anxieties that come with dealing with IF. That is one of the reasons I am forever grateful for this board -- it connects me with you ladies who understand so completely the emotions and fears IF brings with it.

My thoughts exactly!

GermanGirl2007 · July 2013

I can relate to pretty much everything everyone has said. And honestly, I don't know that I would have even been able to articulate it because it's so hard to put all of the feelings into words.

I think a couple of things have been particularly difficult for me:

First, the complete lack of control. Feeling like I have done everything "right," and I still can't get pregnant. Hell, I have Unexplained Infertility, so as far as anyone can tell, there isn't anything even wrong with me, and people that don't know anything about IF have told me as much. In life, I am used to being able to work hard, set goals, and accomplish what I set out to. In this case, there is not a dang thing I can do about it.

Also, this is going to sound really weird, but I really struggle with having hope. I sometimes feel like it is easier to avoid hope than to hang onto it. I feel like if I hope too much, it will hurt that much more if it doesn't work. I have tended to try to be more emotionally detached because I have gotten used to the idea that hope leads to disappointment. Some of you guys mentioned this, but this one kills me for some reason.

STBMrsMiller · July 2013

I don't know how to describe it yet, but I think maybe fear. I'm terrified that my parents, particularly my dad, won't get to meet a grandchild. Or that they would be disappointed by a donor situation or adoption if that is how we are able to have children, or not feel as connected to them as my brother's children. I've only shared this with DH, but this is why we haven't shared anything with our parents.

princessisadora · July 2013

There are so many emotions ...
1. Bitterness I am the most ashamed of being bitter. Bitter at all these "accidental" pregnancies that surround me. A one night stand with an ex, that time they just forgot birth control. It makes me bitter that it is all it takes for some and for DH and me it will take money, hope and perhaps luck.

2. Fear I'm afraid it won't happen and that we won't be financially able to go any further because even adopting is
costly. I am also afraid I won't know when to say when at what point do I just stop.

3. Failure I feel like a failure. I have always been an overachiever, hardwork and dedication have always gotten me to my goal, but no matter how much I work at it or research in 18mo it hasn't made a difference.

Thank you for this post, I think it has been amazing to put all of this out there out of my head for a change.

herecomesthesun · July 2013

I can relate to most of what everyone else has listed.

I mostly just feel helpless and confused. I want to know why and it's hard to wrap my head around the fact that we may never know why.

I worry that there will be something along this IF path that we will regret. Did we make the wrong decision when that's the little bit of control we have in this process? I know there's nothing that can be done to change what has happened but still have this irrational fear.

supermorena · July 2013

Wow, what a great question. Now if I could just stop tearing up from reading your responses long enough to add my own...

I think the hardest part for me is the heartache. I feel it when I see cute kids at the store, a pregnant friend, CD1 hits, and when I think about the future. I try to be optimistic, but I'm also realistic and I'm terrified we may never have children. I've always had the "mother gene" and I'm not sure who I'm supposed to be if not a mom. Teaching my classroom full of kindergartners is great, but it's not the same.

Sunni01 · July 2013

KTdid81:
Disappointment.
When my family announces each time that they are expecting, it really hurts. I feel like "why not me". But I paste a smile on my face and act like I am happy. I am happy for them....but unhappy for myself. I keep thinking, and I feel selfish for thinking it - What Did I Do To Deserve This???? Is my life too easy? Am I too lucky in other areas so this is karma to balance it out?
I have always thought of crying as a sign of weakness, so I don't let my emotions out in front of others. Very few people know how hurt I feel inside.

I agree with what other PP have said. But you hit it right on the spot. This is me to a "T". I feel so drained at the end of the day from putting on a good front. People have no idea how hard IF is. Thank you for saying this. I don't think I would have been able to articulate what I was feeling. I feel all these emotions and feelings.

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