NWMR- 2nd Wedding Etiquette

financialdiva · June 2013

Just curious what the etiquette for attending a second wedding is.

We are good friends with the groom. We attended his first wedding about 8 years ago. I attended wife #1's bridal shower, bought her a gift, we gave them a monetary wedding gift, attended the bachelor and bachelorette parties, etc.

Now he is getting married again. Bride to be has never been married. I just received a bridal shower invite yesterday. Save the date came last week for later this year. When we saw them a few weeks ago, the plan was to have another full blown wedding.

I am happy to celebrate their wedding as they are dear friends to us. I will attend her shower, bachelorette, give gifts, etc. but I would be lying if I didn't tell you for a brief moment I thought, we have to buy him another round of gifts? Of course, that doesn't change what I will do, so I am curious, since many of you have come from theknot anyway, what is the etiquette on attending and/or hosting a second wedding?

groovygrl · June 2013

No idea about true etiquette but if this is her first time ,I would think it is just like any other first wedding. if both have been married before, it is probably a different story and I would think the events would be much lower key. No need for a bride to not get the bride experience just b/c the guy she is marrying has done it before IMO...

Nechie122 · June 2013

groovygrl:
No idea about true etiquette but if this is her first time ,I would think it is just like any other first wedding. if both have been married before, it is probably a different story and I would think the events would be much lower key. No need for a bride to not get the bride experience just b/c the guy she is marrying has done it before IMO...

Yeah, this is what makes it tough. Hard to judge the girl for wanting all the bells and whistles.

I'm a little surprised that you're invited to/attending the shower and bachelorette. Are you friends with her independently? Or are you just THAT good friends with the groom?

If you were looking for places to "cut corners," so to speak, those would be the obvious invitations to decline.

lexusolsen · June 2013

I think it's ok for her to have the bells and whistles but I am surprised they are inviting people who already attended a shower to her shower too. I would probably just attend the wedding.

EastCoastBride · July 2013

Nechie122:
I'm a little surprised that you're invited to/attending the shower and bachelorette. Are you friends with her independently? Or are you just THAT good friends with the groom?
If you were looking for places to "cut corners," so to speak, those would be the obvious invitations to decline.

Yeah, this is where I fall. The shower and b-party are NOT "must attend" events and if you'd rather not go/ not buy a gift, then dont'.

I get it that it's her first wedding and she may want all the "bells and whistles", but that doesn't mean YOU have to provide them all. She'll have her family and friends to do that if the grooms side wants to take a step back since they've done all this for him already.

ccam · July 2013

I don't think the groom being married before should take away from the bride's experience at all. But unless this was someone we were super close to, I think I would probably just attend the wedding.

court115 · July 2013

ccam:
I don't think the groom being married before should take away from the bride's experience at all. But unless this was someone we were super close to, I think I would probably just attend the wedding.

I agree with this. Unless we were really close, I would only attend the wedding.

financialdiva · July 2013

I am totally not judging her for wanting all the bells and whistles! I agree that every bride should have her day, which is why I'll be attending and purchasing gifts, etc. :-) I just wanted to see if my brief thought of "another round of gifts" is normal? We are good friends with the groom. I am not friends with her independently, though they have been together for about three years, so over the last few years we have hung out with her quite a bit as well. So I would consider her a friend. He was a groomsmen in our wedding, and DH will be a groomsmen in his wedding this year. Again, we are totally thrilled for them both, just was wondering what others thoughts were on second weddings since we seem to be at the age were our friends are now getting re-married. LOL.

LoCarb · July 2013

If you're not really good friends with the bride to be, I may skip the shower/bachelorette party, attend the wedding and offer a monetary gift.

ras26 · July 2013

This was me. DH was previously married (a decade before we got married), but it was my first. I understood that his extended family didn't make as much of a "big deal" of our wedding, but it was my first, so I treated it that way. It was small, but that was my choice, not because it was his second. DH was married the first time right out of college, so there actually wasn't a lot of overlap in friends then and now. You certainly don't *have* to do anything, but do keep in mind that it's her first time and it's awesome that your DH and the groom are still friends through it all!

Netty_3 · July 2013

Not sure about the ettiquette...we just entered the age where we no longer attend 1st weddings unless for nieces and nephews, or employees, but now close friends are on their 2nd ones...we end up buying gifts. I told my husband yesterday (buying gifts for one of his employees) after seeing all the cool gadgets and things out there now that married couples should be allowed to register for gifts after every 10 years of marriage to renew stuff...it's a joke...we plan on staying together and not milking everyone for gifts with every new relationship.

*sparky* · July 2013

ccam:

I don't think the groom being married before should take away from the bride's experience at all. But unless this was someone we were super close to, I think I would probably just attend the wedding.

ITA agree w/this. Since this is her first wedding, her friends and family have not had the opportunity to shower her with gifts before and I assume they are therefore planning this for her. You are under no obligation to go, but if you are very good friends with them I would not hesitate to celebrate with them.

Netty_3 · July 2013

kikimo327:
Netty_3:
Not sure about the ettiquette...we just entered the age where we no longer attend 1st weddings unless for nieces and nephews, or employees, but now close friends are on their 2nd ones...we end up buying gifts. I told my husband yesterday (buying gifts for one of his employees) after seeing all the cool gadgets and things out there now that married couples should be allowed to register for gifts after every 10 years of marriage to renew stuff...it's a joke...we plan on staying together and not milking everyone for gifts with every new relationship.
This reminds me of that episode of Sex and the City where Carrie registers for shoes haha.

Ha! I forgot about that episode!

SunAndRain · July 2013

I really think it depends on the situation and circumstances. In this situation I would attend the bridal shower and work on building a friendship with the bride.

In this day and age when second weddings are really quite common, while the old notions still apply they should be interpreted in today's context.

FWIW, I was a BM in my good friend's first wedding. It cost me $1000 to attend. Guy was a jerk. Her second wedding was huge, with 6 BMs and an $800 veil. I was suprised and judgemental initally, but being in her wedding was a blast, the ceremony was special and the reception was great fun. If I had allowed etiquette to dictate my actions I really would have missed out on being a part of something wonderful.

Curls218 · July 2013

I agree with PP who have pointed out that it's not a second wedding for the bride, so she shouldn't get gypped just because the groom's been married before.

Also, even if it was a second wedding, if it was a friend of mine, I'd still give a normal gift. Not like I like them any less or wish them any less happiness in celebration of the marriage.

*sparky* · July 2013

milkergirl1:

You joke abou this, but my coworker last week said that her 5 year anniversary is next summer, and she was excited about hosting another reception/bbq and registering for gifts! But I shouldn't be surprised since she's the same coworker that has sent me a birthday party invite every year for her now 3 year old, which includes an Amazon registry and our state's 529 info. I'm running out of excuses for declining these parties...uggg.

ewwww...

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