S/O: STM showers

HereWeGo2014 · June 2013

Ok ladies, I need some help here. With DD, who will be 5 in October (yikes), we obviously did the showers and such. My mom was not at any of the showers (didn't live here, etc). She was talking with MIL about wanting to throw me a shower. FWIW, she was not at any of my wedding showers either. And, since we will be having a baby in the middle of flu season, I'm not keen on the "Sip and See" after giving birth. I really want my mom to be able to do something and be part of some sort of celebration like this since she hasn't been before, but I don't want to offend anyone either. I work at a different job and run with a completely different groun of friends now as well.

How bad is it to have a sort of mini shower with just a small group of friends and family, especially if they understand this is partly a way to allow my mom to be involved in something she's missed out on before? (I also plan on cloth diapering, so I'm not even sure how a "Sprinkle" type shower would work) Thoughts? Ideas? Opinions?

Unknown · June 2013

This content has been removed.

tarheelpixie · June 2013

I think its great that they want to plan something for you! I'd go with it.

ChuggingWater · June 2013

wilburbud:
My personal opinion on showers is this.... first time moms, or moms with a large gap in time (6+ years) between children: full blown shower.

Subsequent children, or first child of a different sex: sprinkle.

Also- I firmly believe the Mom should NEVER ask for a shower. Rude. lol

All of this.

I posted our situation (re:second shower) in the UO thread. I'm too lazy to C&P.

peanutmuse · June 2013

My honest opinion? There is only one valid reason to have a second shower. And that is if one of the parents is different. For example, if a woman gets remarried and it is her second husband's first child. His family should not be deprived if it is something they want to do.

Everyone can come up with this reason or that reason why they should have a second shower. I think it's all crap. If you want to do it, that's your prerogative. You just won't ever catch me supporting it.

ChuggingWater · June 2013

peanut+muse:
My honest opinion? There is only one valid reason to have a second shower. And that is if one of the parents is different. For example, if a woman gets remarried and it is her second husband's first child. His family should not be deprived if it is something they want to do.

This is our situation.

So does that mean I irk my side of the family and not invite them to the shower since they attended one for DS?

(Honest question)

shakespearenluv · June 2013

I had my sons really close together and I requested that there be NO shower thrown for the second because I didn't want to seem greedy.

My sister and mom ended up taking me for a girl's day at a spa with a couple of my best friends there. We had brunch and cupcakes and a few gifts. It was perfect!!! I loved it.

sugarland726 · June 2013

While not a trend I am fond of, diaper showers have been popping up lately for second children. Since you mention cloth diapering, I suppose that's a possibility. I mean the facts as I see it are that your H's family attended your first shower. Your family attended the first shower. Only your mother didn't attend, plus your new coworkers (obviously). If your coworkers threw you something (especially as a surprise), I would be less likely to side eye that. But I don't really think your situation applies to the strict Emily Post rules on showers.

I am now friends with a bunch of moms from DD's daycare. We get together frequently and two of us are KU again. We (obviously) didn't know each other before the kids were born, so no one attended another's shower. They have said they want to have a shower for me. I had to strong arm them down to having a nice little lunch within our group.

LMCB12 · June 2013

I have two friends that had a baby shower for number two. I completely don't get it because in both situations the second baby is same gender as the first and its less than two years in between babies. I don't necessarily think they were being gift grabby on purpose, but it kind of looks bad. I completely don't understand.

I think in certain situations a second shower is warranted, like the reasons listed in pp's. I really hope no one wants to do a second shower for me though. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but I also don't agree with a second shower so soon. I also don't know how to explain this to my two friends that had second showers without offending their decisions.

peanutmuse · June 2013

ChuggingWater:
peanut+muse:
My honest opinion? There is only one valid reason to have a second shower. And that is if one of the parents is different. For example, if a woman gets remarried and it is her second husband's first child. His family should not be deprived if it is something they want to do.

This is our situation.

So does that mean I irk my side of the family and not invite them to the shower since they attended one for DS?

(Honest question)

I know, tough one there. Honestly, I would probably invite the ones who would be more upset by not being invited.

moosebaby2011 · June 2013

OP - it's nice that your mom wants to do something like this for you, given that she was unable to attend your previous showers. I'd probably ask her to host a small celebratory luncheon in your honor. No registry, no use of the words "shower" or "sprinkle". It will make your mom feel included but avoid the awkwardness that comes from a designated gift giving event.

LatteLady5 · June 2013

So I KNOW "gender" reveals are really frowned upon around here but could you do something like that instead of a shower? No gifts, just a barbeque and pink and blue themed stuff? Then your mom would get to experience a baby centered celebration and you don't have to worry about the 2nd shower stuff.

I'm not a fan of 2nd showers but I wouldn't side eye too hard with a 5+ year gap. I don't like sip n sees either because I don't like letting anyone who I don't know is vaccinated and I'm not close to hold my newborn. Poor DD lived in her carseat on Sunday mornings at church for months haha. We're investing in a good carrier this time around

thepretzelchick · June 2013

ChuggingWater:
peanut+muse:
My honest opinion? There is only one valid reason to have a second shower. And that is if one of the parents is different. For example, if a woman gets remarried and it is her second husband's first child. His family should not be deprived if it is something they want to do.

This is our situation.

So does that mean I irk my side of the family and not invite them to the shower since they attended one for DS?

(Honest question)

I think whomever you want invited should be invited. If they don't want to come, it's their loss.

I can't get stabby over second baby showers, unless you're having your kids a year apart and/or they're the same sex. 5 years? Dude, things have changed. New things have come out since you've had your last kid, and if your mom wants to have a shower or sprinkle for you, OP, go with it. My mom's co-workers (whom I'm close with and were at my first shower) are throwing a joint shower for me and a lady who works there and is due in December. It's really more of a reason to have cake and visit with each other than to shower us with baby stuff, but they want to do it and it'd be rude to say no.

DaisyKD · June 2013

If they want to throw you a shower, I say go for it! If people don't want to attend because it's your second baby, they don't have to!

I think a small shower with just close friends and family is the most appropriate for any second shower, and I agree with the pp that said the mother should NEVER request a shower. But if someone wants to throw one why turn it down?! I think in your case your mom probably really wants to be able to do this for you, and I see absolutely no reason not to :-)

peanutmuse · June 2013

sugarland726:
While not a trend I am fond of, diaper showers have been popping up lately for second children. Since you mention cloth diapering, I suppose that's a possibility. I mean the facts as I see it are that your H's family attended your first shower. Your family attended the first shower. Only your mother didn't attend, plus your new coworkers (obviously). If your coworkers threw you something (especially as a surprise), I would be less likely to side eye that. But I don't really think your situation applies to the strict Emily Post rules on showers.

I am now friends with a bunch of moms from DD's daycare. We get together frequently and two of us are KU again. We (obviously) didn't know each other before the kids were born, so no one attended another's shower. They have said they want to have a shower for me. I had to strong arm them down to having a nice little lunch within our group.

Work situations tend to fall into a different category, for sure. I think in general, people will get you gifts if they want to, and will do so even if you ask them not to. So if a small group of people gets together to do something like this, that's ok. But if it's a situation where invitations are sent out, that's where it starts to cross the line, IMO.

ScarlettDahlia · June 2013

We threw my sister a baby shower for her second. Their first daughter was 5. One of our aunts made a comment about it, but everyone else came and had a great time.

If there's a bigger age difference, I don't see the reason why you can't have a second shower.

brideandbreve · June 2013

wilburbud:
My personal opinion on showers is this.... first time moms, or moms with a large gap in time (6+ years) between children: full blown shower.

Subsequent children, or first child of a different sex: sprinkle.

Also- I firmly believe the Mom should NEVER ask for a shower. Rude. lol

I agree.

If your mom and MIL or another family member choose to throw it for you, awesome; but don't throw one for yourself.

hopeful808 · June 2013

peanut+muse:
My honest opinion? There is only one valid reason to have a second shower. And that is if one of the parents is different. For example, if a woman gets remarried and it is her second husband's first child. His family should not be deprived if it is something they want to do.
Everyone can come up with this reason or that reason why they should have a second shower. I think it's all crap. If you want to do it, that's your prerogative. You just won't ever catch me supporting it.

I agree with peanut.

If your mom was invited to your showers and chose not to come I don't see that as a reason to hold a second shower. If it was important to her with your first she would have gone. My aunt drove 8 hours to attend my wedding shower so it's not unheard of to travel to attend a shower. Especially if the guest of honor is close or important to you.

hopeful808 · June 2013

peanut+muse:
My honest opinion? There is only one valid reason to have a second shower. And that is if one of the parents is different. For example, if a woman gets remarried and it is her second husband's first child. His family should not be deprived if it is something they want to do.
Everyone can come up with this reason or that reason why they should have a second shower. I think it's all crap. If you want to do it, that's your prerogative. You just won't ever catch me supporting it.

I agree with peanut.

If your mom was invited to your showers and chose not to come I don't see that as a reason to hold a second shower. If it was important to her with your first she would have gone. My aunt drove 8 hours to attend my wedding shower so it's not unheard of to travel to attend a shower. Especially if the guest of honor is close or important to you.

salsamommy · June 2013

LatteLady5:
So I KNOW "gender" reveals are really frowned upon around here but could you do something like that instead of a shower? No gifts, just a barbeque and pink and blue themed stuff? Then your mom would get to experience a baby centered celebration and you don't have to worry about the 2nd shower stuff.

THIS ... I'm personally not a fan of them ... but for a second baby just to have your mom involved it might be a better idea than a 2nd shower, where people might side eye the situation...

If it had been a surprise shower ... different matter because you had no idea ... but if it were me, I would be trying to find something else to do!

Cewilliams207554 · June 2013

We will have a full blown shower if second child is a girl since first child is a boy. Either way, i already have a few people talking about doing a shower and they are very excited about it, so I'm not going to stop them. We got rid of all of ds clothes, baby bottles, car seats, swing, etc., so if it is a boy, we are starting all over. Whatever happens, the baby will be taken care of!

Jen4033 · June 2013

I'm totally not expecting one this time around, but if someone wanted to throw one, I wouldn't deny them. I do agree it should only be immidiate family & closest friends for a 2nd shower, though.

I also wouldn't hesitate to put on the invitations - "no gifts please" or something like that. If I was to have a 2nd shower thrown for me, I'd like to think of it more as a time to be with family & friends just to be excited together about the new LO coming. Not to have a time to sit around & watch present opening. That said a 2nd shower would have to have lots of good food & activities for fun to fill up that time gifts would have normally taken up!

That said.. saying "no gifts please" does deem the term "shower" inappropriate. So I'd want the invites to also call it something else... or just "come help us celebrate the upcoming arrival"

sugarland726 · June 2013

Cewilliams207554:
We will have a full blown shower if second child is a girl since first child is a boy. Either way, i already have a few people talking about doing a shower and they are very excited about it, so I'm not going to stop them. We got rid of all of ds clothes, baby bottles, car seats, swing, etc., so if it is a boy, we are starting all over. Whatever happens, the baby will be taken care of!

How old is DS?

Cewilliams207554 · June 2013

He'll be three on October.

salsamommy · June 2013

I must be a pack rat ... I didn't give ANYTHING away ... I bought all kinds of space bags and those plastic organizing drawers ... I labeled every drawer Newborn, 3 months, 6 Months, 9 Months, 12 months, etc ... And I did the same for diapers that I didn't end up using ... NB/1, 2, 3, 4, 5 ... JUST in case I got pregnant! And the diapers were handy if friends came over and needed a diaper ... I had at least a drawer of every size!

sugarland726 · June 2013

Cewilliams207554:
He'll be three on October.

I have to ask, were you planning on being one and done? And this pregnancy is a surprise? Or were you planning on having more kids all along? If you were planning on more kids, why did you get rid of everything?

2Dash · June 2013

I would probably suggest as PPs have that you do a bunch or lunch or spa day and invite some really close family/friends.

Personally I'm thrilled to not have a shower this time around. Don't get me wrong they were fun (I had two - one in the city where my family lives, and a second where I live with friends) and great but I really hate opening presents and being the centre of attention. I am happy to reuse what I can from DS.

That said, we just went for high tea (little sandwhiches and desserts) for a friend about to have a baby any day - it was a great way to see her and celebrate her 2nd baby. I have a gift for the baby but will give it when the baby is born.

Cewilliams207554 · June 2013

sugarland726:
Cewilliams207554:
He'll be three on October.

I have to ask, were you planning on being one and done? And this pregnancy is a surprise? Or were you planning on having more kids all along? If you were planning on more kids, why did you get rid of everything?

Great questions! Mobile smile, we'll just say the family situation at the time required us to get rid of things that we weren't using. Though this pregnancy was unplanned, we did want to have more eventually.

HereWeGo2014 · June 2013

hopeful808:
If your mom was invited to your showers and chose not to come I don't see that as a reason to hold a second shower. If it was important to her with your first she would have gone. My aunt drove 8 hours to attend my wedding shower so it's not unheard of to travel to attend a shower. Especially if the guest of honor is close or important to you.

My mom would have been at all my showers if she could have, and was actually really sad and hurt it didn't work out for her to come. She wasn't at the birth of DD either, was only able to visit for a week when DD was 1 month old and didn't see her again until DD was almost 2 yrs when she moved here. And I'm the only daughter, so it sort of compounds the fact she's missed so much.

Thanks everyone for all the discussion and opinions, I do appreciate it.

valigrl21 · June 2013

I like your idea as long as someone else throws the shower for you. I personally don't think a second shower is a big deal. All of my friends/family that have had a second (or third) child have had showers, and until I joined the bump I never questioned it.

WinsyWade · June 2013

hopeful808:
If your mom was invited to your showers and chose not to come I don't see that as a reason to hold a second shower. If it was important to her with your first she would have gone. My aunt drove 8 hours to attend my wedding shower so it's not unheard of to travel to attend a shower. Especially if the guest of honor is close or important to you.

This statement is just SO rude. You don't think her mother thought her shower was important? Hmm

Run Girl · June 2013

I think a Sprinkle type of event is totally fine. I am actually going to one tonight for a friend of mine who has a 4 yo DD & is expecting a boy next month. She didn't register or anything & it's under the pretense of being a happy hour type of gathering. I bought her some diapers & an outfit, two things I know she'll need.

sugarland726 · June 2013

WinsyWade:
hopeful808:

If your mom was invited to your showers and chose not to come I don't see that as a reason to hold a second shower. If it was important to her with your first she would have gone. My aunt drove 8 hours to attend my wedding shower so it's not unheard of to travel to attend a shower. Especially if the guest of honor is close or important to you.

This statement is just SO rude. You don't think her mother thought her shower was important?

Good catch Winsy.

ChuggingWater · June 2013

sugarland726:
WinsyWade:
hopeful808:

If your mom was invited to your showers and chose not to come I don't see that as a reason to hold a second shower. If it was important to her with your first she would have gone. My aunt drove 8 hours to attend my wedding shower so it's not unheard of to travel to attend a shower. Especially if the guest of honor is close or important to you.

This statement is just SO rude. You don't think her mother thought her shower was important?

Good catch Winsy.

This isn't the first thing by hopeful808 I have side eyed, but I can't remember the others.

mamezcua9015 · June 2013

DaisyKD:
If they want to throw you a shower, I say go for it! If people don't want to attend because it's your second baby, they don't have to!

I think a small shower with just close friends and family is the most appropriate for any second shower, and I agree with the pp that said the mother should NEVER request a shower. But if someone wants to throw one why turn it down?! I think in your case your mom probably really wants to be able to do this for you, and I see absolutely no reason not to :-)

I agree, if they want to give you a second shower just enjoy it.

Cewilliams207554 · June 2013

Darbie914:
Cewilliams207554:
We will have a full blown shower if second child is a girl since first child is a boy. Either way, i already have a few people talking about doing a shower and they are very excited about it, so I'm not going to stop them. We got rid of all of ds clothes, baby bottles, car seats, swing, etc., so if it is a boy, we are starting all over. Whatever happens, the baby will be taken care of!
I'm just curious: what does having a child of the opposite sex matter?  Can a girl not use blue items?  If you knew you would have more children down the road, then you should have held onto your things or bought gender neutral items.  It's no one else's responsibility to provide for your children. 

Thank you for your opinion. Obviously you have your way of thinking and i have mine. If you would've read my previous statement, you will see why we don't have any baby items, and that is as far as i am going with it. If i have a girl, i want girly items for her. No one said that other people are taking care of my children. If my close friends and family want to throw a shower for us, i will let them. And whatever we need will be taken care of by us.

aessary03 · June 2013

I think other people offering to do it without your asking is just fine.

I think it also depends on your circle of friends too and their feelings of having/attending subsequent children baby showers. In my circle of people it is perfectly acceptable. The subsequent baby showers are not as big as first born showers though.

AFM, there's a 10 year difference between children. Plus this child is with a different man much more worthy of the dad title. This is my MIL's first grand baby so she is insisting on throwing the shower. I'm letting her. I didn't ask, but I'm also not going to deny her of something she is looking forward to doing. Plus my circle of friends is way different than when my daughter was born.

mommabird77 · June 2013

I think if someone else is throwing you one, there is nothing wrong with it. The only time I side eye a second shower is if the babies are really close in age and I know the mother basically planned it herself.

salsamommy · June 2013

aessary03:
AFM, there's a 10 year difference between children. Plus this child is with a different man much more worthy of the dad title. This is my MIL's first grand baby so she is insisting on throwing the shower. I'm letting her. I didn't ask, but I'm also not going to deny her of something she is looking forward to doing. Plus my circle of friends is way different than when my daughter was born.

I think this is a great reason to have a second shower just as peanut had mentioned ...

Cewilliams207554:
Darbie914:
Cewilliams207554:
We will have a full blown shower if second child is a girl since first child is a boy. Either way, i already have a few people talking about doing a shower and they are very excited about it, so I'm not going to stop them. We got rid of all of ds clothes, baby bottles, car seats, swing, etc., so if it is a boy, we are starting all over. Whatever happens, the baby will be taken care of!
I'm just curious: what does having a child of the opposite sex matter? Can a girl not use blue items? If you knew you would have more children down the road, then you should have held onto your things or bought gender neutral items. It's no one else's responsibility to provide for your children.
Thank you for your opinion. Obviously you have your way of thinking and i have mine. If you would've read my previous statement, you will see why we don't have any baby items, and that is as far as i am going with it. If i have a girl, i want girly items for her. No one said that other people are taking of my children. If my close friends and family want to throw a shower for us, i will let them. And whatever we need will be taken care of by us.

Ummm maybe I missed something ::confused face:: First of all ... when did this post become about Cewilliams207554 ... and secondly ... If this LO for me is a girl, I do plan on dressing her up in girly things as well as items I used for DS as some were neutral coloured ... but I wouldn't expect a shower to get these "girly" items (should I had given them all away, which I wouldn't do if I had wanted more kids) ... and I wouldn't be encouraging any friends or family's ideas of a shower ... if they want to have a lunch or dinner ... WITHOUT gifts for baby number 2 + (unless the above stated situation which had already been discussed ... ) then by all means ... I'm always down for a good steak with baked potato!!!

Personally ... and again maybe it's just me ... but I would be making these purchases on our own ... not via registry/shower...

One last thing ... I don't think I received any of the "big important" items as shower gifts anyway ...

Cewilliams207554 · June 2013

ANDYLEAH:
aessary03:
AFM, there's a 10 year difference between children. Plus this child is with a different man much more worthy of the dad title. This is my MIL's first grand baby so she is insisting on throwing the shower. I'm letting her. I didn't ask, but I'm also not going to deny her of something she is looking forward to doing. Plus my circle of friends is way different than when my daughter was born.
I think this is a great reason to have a second shower just as peanut had mentioned ...
Cewilliams207554:
Darbie914:
Cewilliams207554:
We will have a full blown shower if second child is a girl since first child is a boy. Either way, i already have a few people talking about doing a shower and they are very excited about it, so I'm not going to stop them. We got rid of all of ds clothes, baby bottles, car seats, swing, etc., so if it is a boy, we are starting all over. Whatever happens, the baby will be taken care of!
I'm just curious: what does having a child of the opposite sex matter?  Can a girl not use blue items?  If you knew you would have more children down the road, then you should have held onto your things or bought gender neutral items.  It's no one else's responsibility to provide for your children. 
Thank you for your opinion. Obviously you have your way of thinking and i have mine. If you would've read my previous statement, you will see why we don't have any baby items, and that is as far as i am going with it. If i have a girl, i want girly items for her. No one said that other people are taking of my children. If my close friends and family want to throw a shower for us, i will let them. And whatever we need will be taken care of by us.
Ummm maybe I missed something ::confused face:: First of all ... when did this post become about Cewilliams207554 ... and secondly ... If this LO for me is a girl, I do plan on dressing her up in girly things as well as items I used for DS as some were neutral coloured ... but I wouldn't expect a shower to get these "girly" items (should I had given them all away, which I wouldn't do if I had wanted more kids) ... and I wouldn't be encouraging any friends or family's ideas of a shower ... if they want to have a lunch or dinner ... WITHOUT gifts for baby number 2 + (unless the above stated situation which had already been discussed ... ) then by all means ... I'm always down for a good steak with baked potato!!! 
Personally ... and again maybe it's just me ... but I would be making these purchases on our own ... not via registry/shower...
One last thing ... I don't think I received any of the "big important" items as shower gifts anyway ...

I really don't know why my statement is so important either. We all have different opinions and that's cool. I will say we are in no way looking for a baby shower to supply all of our needs. There are people in my life who voluntarily want to throw a baby shower, and that's acceptable in my group of friends. The op wanted opinions about the topic and i gave mine. Everyone's different.

sugarland726 · June 2013

ANDYLEAH:

Cewilliams207554:
Darbie914:

Cewilliams207554:
We will have a full blown shower if second child is a girl since first child is a boy. Either way, i already have a few people talking about doing a shower and they are very excited about it, so I'm not going to stop them. We got rid of all of ds clothes, baby bottles, car seats, swing, etc., so if it is a boy, we are starting all over. Whatever happens, the baby will be taken care of!

I'm just curious: what does having a child of the opposite sex matter? Can a girl not use blue items? If you knew you would have more children down the road, then you should have held onto your things or bought gender neutral items. It's no one else's responsibility to provide for your children.

Thank you for your opinion. Obviously you have your way of thinking and i have mine. If you would've read my previous statement, you will see why we don't have any baby items, and that is as far as i am going with it. If i have a girl, i want girly items for her. No one said that other people are taking of my children. If my close friends and family want to throw a shower for us, i will let them. And whatever we need will be taken care of by us.

Ummm maybe I missed something ::confused face:: First of all ... when did this post become about Cewilliams207554 ... and secondly ... If this LO for me is a girl, I do plan on dressing her up in girly things as well as items I used for DS as some were neutral coloured ... but I wouldn't expect a shower to get these "girly" items (should I had given them all away, which I wouldn't do if I had wanted more kids) ... and I wouldn't be encouraging any friends or family's ideas of a shower ... if they want to have a lunch or dinner ... WITHOUT gifts for baby number 2 + (unless the above stated situation which had already been discussed ... ) then by all means ... I'm always down for a good steak with baked potato!!!

When Ce wrote in a post about second time moms having showers about how she was having a full blown shower merely because LO was going to be a different sex than her son, yes, people asked questions. She answered the questions without snark and provided more detail. That happens. Sometimes tangents are created in a post.

Speaking of tangets, "..." is not grammatically correct for a single period. Basically you wrote one massive run on sentence which is very difficult to read. See? Tangent.

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