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Blended Families
CFjo2010
member
Am I a total jerk?
CFjo2010
member
DS and DD have been asking to BBQ dinner, eat outside and swim. It's so hot so I said "sure". I really don't want to heat the house up anyways. Seems like a great idea, DH is onboard and K is here tonight. Should have been an easy evening.
When K gets here the kids tell her our plans for dinner. She gets really quiet and says she can't swim. Huh? K swims all the time and is a great swimmer. Shoot, half the time we can't get her out of the pool for dinner or bedtime. I asked what she meant and she says to me, "My mom sad I can't swim here". Are you freaking KIDDING?! Now she's telling K she can't swim when she's over here? We told her of course she's allowed to swim here, but she refuses to swim.
I don't think it's fair to change plans. I feel like the kids voted, 2 vote "yes" and one votes "no". Growing up that's how disputes were settled at my house. And I really don't think DS and DD should be forced to follow whatever whacked out rule BM has come up with this week. So we're out by the pool grilling dinner, DS and DD are swimming and K is pouting. Are we total jerks for not changing the plans? Or is it ok to let K feel left out, considering we already told her she can swim?
When K gets here the kids tell her our plans for dinner. She gets really quiet and says she can't swim. Huh? K swims all the time and is a great swimmer. Shoot, half the time we can't get her out of the pool for dinner or bedtime. I asked what she meant and she says to me, "My mom sad I can't swim here". Are you freaking KIDDING?! Now she's telling K she can't swim when she's over here? We told her of course she's allowed to swim here, but she refuses to swim.
I don't think it's fair to change plans. I feel like the kids voted, 2 vote "yes" and one votes "no". Growing up that's how disputes were settled at my house. And I really don't think DS and DD should be forced to follow whatever whacked out rule BM has come up with this week. So we're out by the pool grilling dinner, DS and DD are swimming and K is pouting. Are we total jerks for not changing the plans? Or is it ok to let K feel left out, considering we already told her she can swim?
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Re: Am I a total jerk?
No, you are not a jerk. But I'd be sitting by the pool with her, dangling my feet and having a little bonding time about girl stuff instead.
She can dangle her feet in the pool can't she?
Can you have a pool side card or board game with her while the other's swim?
Her mother is a dumbass. Please tell me DH is going to have a word with her? Not like that's any good....
Fluck BM. In this case, I think it's totally fine to throw BM under the bus. WTF. Can I please smack that woman??
I would say "K, BM is wrong, and she doesn't get to decide the rules at our house. Jo and Daddy do, and we say you're allowed to swim." And then throw the kid in the pool.
She is so stupid. I'm p!ssed for you guys and K right now.
I was sitting there with PJ and had my feet and PJ's feet in the pool. But K refused to come near the water saying that her mom will get mad if she gets wet. After DH was done BBQ-ing he sat with K and told her that she's always allowed to swim here, as long as there's an adult watching. We all sat together to eat and after dinner the kids played a card game. But it was clear that K was upset.
Unfortunately this is exactly the type of stuff BM tells K. Whenever K is excited about something we do here, her mom stifles it. When we had our Disneyland passes BM told K that Disneyland was "their" thing (completely ignoring the fact that DH has been the one maintaining K's Disneyland pass and going with her almost weekly) and that K going with us made her sad. After I had been painting K's nails for a couple years, BM suddenly decided that I wasn't allowed to paint K's nails anymore. She even told K she wasn't allowed to go to the beach with us because BM doesn't like that I wear a bikini and she didn't trust we would put sunblock on K. DH asked BM about all these things and she confirmed saying it, but has these ridiculous justifications.
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Continue to call her out on it and don't let it slide. Document it as parental alienation and hope that over time it might matter. If he does not call her out on it there is no hope of it changing even if it does not help.
OMG, this is just ridiculous. I didn't realize she was that bad. I knew she was BSC, but this is just nuts.
XH likes to say that I'm hurting DD by my decisions, and I am not typically one to throw that in another parent's face because I get it so often, however, she really is hurting her daughter with this kind of crap.
If I were your DH, I'd be all over her.
I also think it's time you both start talking to your DD about what manipulation is and what BM is doing and why. She's going to need some serious coping skills to deal with this crap.
Hand on the bible, her butt would've gotten thrown in.
Can you guys explain you have your rules at your house and her BM is not in charge (some other wording) of what goes on at your house?
This BM seriously has mental health issues.
How old is K? Around age 10 BM told SD and SS that SD was "going to start any day she could just tell". This made SD edgy and made SS tell everyone that SD was pissy because she was about to get the girl thing for the first time. This went on for 3 years. Any chance BM there is pulling something similar and has told her "do not swim there, you could start and how embarassed would you be?"
If not that, it's just another random, scary BM BS! UNREAL to me. I can tell you that putting the "choice" on K is not a good idea; she is caught in a double bind. I love the idea of DH throwing her in if they have that kind of relationship. KUP on DH/BM and how things go with K.
Thanks everyone. Had K not seemed so upset about all of it, DH probably would have thrown her in. But since she was really worried about upsetting BM, he didn't want to cross a line and make things worse for K. We have told her repeatedly in the past that BM doesn't make the rules here, we do. And in the past when these "rules" have been put in place by BM, K eventually comes around after a few weeks and stops obeying them.
I think the real problem is that BM has emotionally manipulated K so much over the years that K is genuinely worried about upsetting her. Everytime one of these "rules" has been put in place, DH questions BM in front of K and tells K that she is allowed to do XYZ when she's with us. He does it at a pick up so that K comes home with him and she doesn't have to deal with BM afterwards. Really though, BM has told K so many times over the years that she needs K (among other awful things to tell a child) that I think K now feels responsible for BM's happiness. I mean, we're talking about really emotionally manipulative things. We do document everything, but unfortunately we've discovered that our Judge doesn't seem to find these things to be a big deal.
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No, you are not a jerk at all.
Your dh needs to sit down with K and let her know that at her moms house, there are mom rules and at his house there are his rules. Some may be the same and some may be different but which ever parent she is with, is the one who makes the rules. period.
He also needs to tell BM the same thing.
Anytime DH tries to discuss any of this through email or text BM responds, "We'll talk at pick up/drop off. She knows damn well what she's doing and doesn't want it in writing. As for DH discussing it in front of K, he feels that by doing it in front of K and then giving permission to K in front of BM, K knows that her mom knows Daddy said it's alright. As much as it sucks, we're trying to open K's eyes a bit to what is being done to her. We can't flat out say, "Your mom is a manipulative b!tch who's going to keep you needing therapy forever", but we hope that by us pointing out how unreasonable BM is being about things K will start to understand that she doesn't have to do BM's bidding.
This whole thing just sucks.
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K is only 7, so none of that could be an issue. I can't believe a mom would freak her kid out that much about getting her first menstrual period! Craziness. It's really just BM trying to make it so that K "can't" do anything fun when she's with us and make it so she doesn't want to be with us, plain and simple.
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Ugh, don't get me started on the therapy battle we've had. DH and I have been trying for years to get K in therapy. BM agreed once, but yanked K out of it. BM's side of the story: transportation became too difficult and K was getting scheduled during BM's work hours. Why didn't she just ask me to drive K? BM never answered that question. Therapist's side of the story: when she made it clear to BM that K was well adjusted and happy with the blended family DH and I had created, BM went ballistic and demanded that the therapist "admit" K was being neglected in our home. When therapist refused to do so, BM stopped bringing K. Ever since then, we have tried repeatedly to get K into therapy and BM won't agree. My gut feeling is that BM knows what she's doing is wrong and damaging to K and doesn't want to get caught.
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