Sharing with Others/Burdening
StinaLeigh
member
Sharing with Others/Burdening
Anyone else struggle with the un-telling in that you don't want to burden others? Ugh. This has been an issue for me. I think I do tell in a tactful way, but why do I feel guilty about it - like I'm placing burden on others??
I got an email from a couple of friends wanting to get together soon. Both of these ladies are pregnant. One due in Aug, the other in Sep. Last time I saw them I had just found out I was pg too and since they both were, I couldn't help but share my news too. Now it's been 3 months and they want to hang out again. I know it would be tough for me. And I had to decide to share the news now or not. Ultimately I decided to share a very brief (4 sentence) version of my story. -Was pg with twins, lost one, a month later went into ptl with the other.-- But now I'm feeling super guilty for sharing even this much info especially with 2 pg ladies. Truthfully tell me, should I have just said "Just wanted to let you know that last time I saw you I shared I was pg, unfortunately it didn't work out" and let that be it? On the other hand I feel like this IS my story. Why do I have to sugar coat it? Why should I feel shame or worry about burdening others? I'm the one dealing with this horrible situation. It is in my nature to worry about others before myself but I wish I didn't have this stress on top of it all.
TTC #1 4/09-3/10, dx PCOS, 5th round clomid BFP 3/27/10, Nolan Lee, 11/13/10, PROM 36 weeks
TTC #2 6/12-3/13, natural BFP 3/24/13, TWINS
MC first twin at 11weeks, MC/preterm labor second twin, DD at 15weeks, 6/7/13
BFP 9/21/13, EDD 6/5/13!! It's a GIRL
SHE'S HERE! Scarlett Christine, 5/19/14
Re: Sharing with Others/Burdening
Honestly sharing it either way-more detailed or very short and simple-is fine, IMHO. I can understand not wanting to burden them (or scare them since they are both pg), but really I would think your friends would want you to feel that you can share with them what happened with your pregnancy and loss.
I know I would feel that way.
By the way, if I haven't told you in some other thread, I'm very sorry for your loss.
ETA: You have to allow people to care for you. They can't do that if they don't know what happened, KWIM.
Sorry for both of your losses!
I struggle/struggled with this too. I had friends that have fertility issues that even mentioning the pregnancy was hard but when mentioning I had a miscarriage I had to choose careful words (I thought). I think what you said was appropriate, so they know what you went through and can treat you accordingly. As moms to be they should completely be able to understand how you are feeling and would be sympathetic I think.
Anyway, for me, I chose what to say to who based on my relationship with the person. If I felt close to them or that they would understand, then I shared more. It was the people that I didn't know very well (or the ones that were more private people) that I didn't share much info with. These were also the ones I felt more guilty even sharing that much info with. Very strange, but that's how I felt. If it were me on the other end, I wouldn't feel like you were placing a burden on me, or offended in any way. That could be a personality thing though... ((hugs))
TTC #1 4/09-3/10, dx PCOS, 5th round clomid BFP 3/27/10, Nolan Lee, 11/13/10, PROM 36 weeks
TTC #2 6/12-3/13, natural BFP 3/24/13, TWINS
MC first twin at 11weeks, MC/preterm labor second twin, DD at 15weeks, 6/7/13
BFP 9/21/13, EDD 6/5/13!! It's a GIRL
SHE'S HERE! Scarlett Christine, 5/19/14
Right after it happened I didn't want to talk to anyone but a few days later that's all I wanted to talk about. I told everyone that asked the entire story. I made every topic of conversation come back to me and what happened. It probably got annoying to others but I think it helped me.
It's also hard to tell how much people want to know when they ask how you are after they know what happened.
It's a tough call but if they are good friends they will want to be there for you.
So sorry for your losses.
I felt really guilty having to tell DH, because he was so scared from the very beginning that something would go wrong, and after a great ultrasound and hearing a strong heartbeat twice, I convinced him to let us share the news with a couple people. And now it's over.
But telling other people I felt more embarrassed that I thought I was okay to tell them in the first place. Like it's my fault that I didn't wait longer.
But as for your situation, I think the more information you give people, the more understand they can be of your situation. If you had just said "last time I was pregnant, now I'm not," that could have meant a million things. But telling them the truth, the real story, it makes it real. It makes them not be able to chalk it up to, "oh, she probably wasn't very far along with it happened, she should be fine."
If that makes sense. I'm pretty bad at wording things, but I think you get the gist.