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Babies: 6 - 9 Months
saradanowski
member
SAHM vent
saradanowski
member
First of all let me start by saying, I love being a mom and wife. I love that my family has the ability for me to stay at home at my son. Sorry if you find this whiny but I needed a place to talk out some things and not explode.
My son is 8 months old. I have stayed home with him since the middle of my pregnancy when I was having some blood pressure regulation problems. He is a healthy little guy and growing fast. My husband is a great dad-works hard, comes home and spends time with Charlie and is a very lovable person to be around. I feel like I am in the biggest rut of my life. We were the first ones of our friends to have a child and I feel like most of our friends just don't make the effort or think we can't do anything with them anymore. I have taken on more household chores then I ever thought possible. It seems like now when the hubby comes home from work-it's my time to get done whatever I didn't get to during the day-mowing the lawn, laundry, dishes (I can't even tell you the last time I saw the man put away some dishes!). My son just recently got sick for the first time (something called "fifth's disease" which is pretty harmless but I didn't know that the time so I've been running to the doctor and trying to figure it out what it was. He is just running the course of it and is soo irritable that my head is literally pulsating. I never get mad at him, and I only get annoyed at my husband occasinally (trying to keep it in my head) but I feel just so blah. I haven't gotten a hair cut in 6 months, sometimes it's hard to even get a shower in and I feel guilty for being annoyed/mad and I'm stuck.
I feel like I don't have the right to say "husband-I need you to help out a little more after you've been working all day and I know you want to see your son." I want to tell my friends that when they have babies and need someone's advice or play-date that I won't be there for them since they've abandoned me-but I won't.
Sorry for that grossly whiny entry but I just needed somewhere to turn. I just feel a little better saying it someone!
Thanks!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: SAHM vent
You both work, you just don't get paid so yea, you both need to do stuff around the house. I would hardly say him putting some dishes away after dinner or something really takes away all that much time from being with the baby. In fact, I bet if you timed it, it takes a few minutes. Which also makes me wonder, how many household type chores are you doing every day? For me, laundry is once a week, as would be something like cutting the grass. The only thing I do daily is dishes.
Have you thought about hiring someone to clean your house every other week or so?
And, make plans with your friends, don't wait for them to come to you, call them with a specific plan and ask if they want to come. They may be thinking that you don't want to get out with the baby.
If you take on everything, then it's going to be real hard to break that cycle later on. Better to try and establish a routine with more balance now. That would be balance between the chores you and your husband do, and balance in how you spend your days.
Kelly, Mom to Christopher Shannon 9.27.06, Catherine Quinn 2.24.09, Trey Barton lost on 12.28.09, Therese Barton lost on 6.10.10, Joseph Sullivan 7.23.11, and our latest, Victoria Maren 11.15.12
Secondary infertility success with IVF, then two losses, one at 14 weeks and one at 10 weeks, then success with IUI and then just pure, crazy luck. Expecting our fifth in May as the result of a FET.
This Cluttered Life
My DH doesn't help out as much as I would like either ( I am a SAHM) and I hate asking him. However, when I do ask him to do something he does it and will ask for something else to do if I am still cleaning, etc. I have definitely learned our husband's are not mind readers. Honesty is always best, talk to him. You are a team and raising a baby and making a house a home is a team effort.
Also, take a little time for yourself, or if you can't go for walks. Many, many walks! It helps me out a ton!
Good luck hun!
This. Walking every evening is so therapeutic for both me and LO. Also, I used to feel guilty asking for any help but now this I can ask, it has helped immensely. It's rare that I ask for much, usually for him to help with cleanup after dinner while I make his lunch for the next day. But just knowing that I can ask, changed things for the better.
You need to let it out-and we're here to listen
I have a year mat leave and my H often says he expected me to do more because I'm home all day. He doesn't get how consuming child care can be. I keep up dishes and laundry, but leave the deeper cleaning for when I have help with LO.
I feel ya on the friends part. I was the first local friend to have a baby, and after the first week no one really came by, though we were invited out often (and we went whenever we could). One friend just had her first and told me she couldn't believe how overwhelming it gets, and wished I had told her I needed help. I was there for her because I knew she needed it. I dropped off baked goods and stopped by to hold the baby while she showered and helped her with babywearing. I had none of that support. I realize now if I'd asked I would have gotten it though. Friends without babies have NO idea what you're going through. Plus it sounds like you're working hard to do everything.
My advice is to breathe. Let some less important tasks slide. And have a heart to heart with a close friend and tell them what you need.
You don't want to look back on these years and regret all of the time you spent doing chores when you could have been enjoying your LO.
I try to get the housework done early in he morning so I can take DS out for some fun later in the day....the park, the pool, the zoo, etc. Also, take time for yourself. I have golf league on Monday and go to yoga on Thursdays. Make it a priority to do something fun every day. Do your household work before and after. And when you H gets home....enjoy spending time with him. Put the work away if you can at that point.
I understand how you feel....I feel like I could clean constantly and I would still have a list of thing that needed to get done. Prioritize...but make sure that includes having fun with your kiddo. There is a poem I heard a few times about a mama upstairs rocking her baby....and how the dust and dishes will have to wait because babies don't keep. Wish I could post it for you....but I try to think about that anytime I get consumed by household stuff.
Your DH is working all day, but so are you. He needs to help with chores. It's rare that it's a perfectly even split between spouses, but both people need to pitch in. You can't be afraid to ask for help. Can you afford to hire someone to help with any of it? We have cleaning people bc it's the only way I can keep my sanity. Maybe you could do that or get someone to help with the lawn.
As for friends, it's hard for people without kids to "get it." I know I didn't really. I'd suggest looking for moms groups or somewhere that you and DS can get out and interact during the day with other moms and kids. Go to the park, the library, a tumbling class.
As for self-care, like haircuts, my first suggestion would be to go at night or on a Saturday morning. But if this doesn't work, can you find a kid-friendly salon and just bring him with you? You can't totally neglect your own needs, and I know I feel better overall when I look better. Shallow, perhaps, but true.