New To All Of This... Need Help & Advice — The Bump
Military Families

New To All Of This... Need Help & Advice

This is my first time posting. So hello everyone! 

Let me give the background. So me & my boyfriend. Are currently in an ldr. He isnt deployed but we are away because of a few reasons. He has been traveling within the states for work & i am "home" where i am from to deal with family stuff. I lost 2 close family members the past 4-5 months. (but thats besides the point not looking for sympathy)

So up until now i kinda have just avoid talking about the whole subject of the military. I was raised in a very anti-military family. So I dont know much except what i have learned from him.

I will go back to where he is in Sept at the earliest. But Feb at the latest.

I want to marry him. He wants to marry me. We are so in love with each other. But i have NO idea what im getting myself into. We are planning on getting married some time next year. Not sure when. Probably depends if he gets deployed & stuff like that. 

He gets out in 2 years. That I can handle. But lastnight he says "IF i dont extend" It really caught me off guard because thats the first I heard of that. I honestly dont know if i can handle 5 years.

So i decided that i probably should finally start looking into things & talk to people & read stuff before i do marry him & get into this relationship not knowing what im getting myself into.

So honestly I could take ANY & and ALL advice. 

He also has 2 boys & an ex wife if that changes anything. 

I see a few things on this board such as tricare. what is that? 

Thanks In Advance To Everyone Who Responds & Even Just Reads This!

 

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Re: New To All Of This... Need Help & Advice

  • My husband has been in the army for a little over a year, so I don't have much experience with time but I have learned a lot, I was nervous at first. But if you love someone, you should marry him regardless of his career, and be fully supportive if he chooses to extend or not. Don't make your choices based off of you not liking the military life style. I've learned to love and appreciate all he does for this country and family. So consider that. Just my opinion though, not trying to sound mean. Also tricare is insurance. I'm on his tricare insurance and I don't even have a copay at my OB GYN. So its been great not worrying about that. Just relax and let life happen
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    It worries me that you don't know what Tricare is if the two of you have a child together.  Who is providing insurance for your baby?  

    Honestly, most of the time being a military spouse is much like being the spouse of a civilian with a demanding job.  The only real difference is the potential for frequent moves and deployments.

    And I completely disagree with the poster who said that you should marry someone you love without considering their choice of career and lifestyle.  Marriages succeed or fail as much over incompatibility in those areas as much as they do over people falling out of love.  

    I'm not sure anyone here can tell you exactly what military life will be like for you.  A lot of the specifics depend on your boyfriend's job, unit, and base.  I can tell you that it's sending up a red flag that your boyfriend hasn't shared some basic and essential information relating to your child's healthcare.  You really need to talk to him about this stuff right now. 

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  • I thought I'd hate the military lifestyle, but I actually quite enjoy it.  OH has been an officer for 9 years and I've had a chance to see areas of the country I never would have considered.  Every area has something unique to offer, you just have to be flexible enough to figure out what it is.  I thought I'd want him to get out after 4 years, but we reevaluate each time a decision point comes up and decide together.  So far we've both wanted him to stay in every time.  It's a personal decision, and both of your careers will affect how doable it is for you to have this lifestyle.  I have not had to sacrifice my career at all.  Deployments stink, but some careers fields don't go very often, so it may not be a huge deal.  the biggest thing I've noticed is that military families are their own community, so you run into the same people all over the country.  It's really nice...I have friends for life all over the world.  Anyway, it's a very personal decision, but as long as you are both flexible, no reason to walk away just because he is in the military.  But you both do have to be flexible.

    Tricare is military medical insurance...you won't have to pay a cent for anything, ever.

  • It also concerns me that you don't know what Tricare is.  Even if your baby is on your own insurance....your BF has Tricare insurance. It's how he is able to see a doctor and pay for hospital visits.  This seems odd that you have not ever discussed this at this stage in your relationship or you didn't know what it was called. 

    You seem very apprehensive about the military.  If you marry a military man, you may move anywhere at any time and he may deploy to the other side of the world without you.  That's that.  Are you prepared for that?  No?  Then don't get married.  Yes?  Then go ahead.  You will be married to the military and they can pretty much tell you what to do/where you will live.  You have to be able to accept that.

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  • imageyoyo12345:


    Tricare is military medical insurance...you won't have to pay a cent for anything, ever.

    Not true.  If you have Tricare Standard you do have some out of pocket costs.  Retirees also have to pay for their coverage.   

  • I personally think you need to change your way of thinking.  You are not marrying the military, you are marrying your boyfriend.  It is a lifestyle change of course, but ultimately it is about wanting to spend everyday for the rest of your life with him no matter where you are or what you are doing.  There will be times that it is hard, deployments suck, and learning that sometimes you have to take a back seat to his job is hard.  Remember all of the things it gets you... We get to move every 3 years and see the country, he gets to experience so many people and places, the retirement benefits if he stays in long enough are great, and it can give you flexibility in ways you wouldn't always have.  Support your husband, and he will support you...  And on top of that the military lifestyle can actually be very family friendly and very family oriented.  Good Luck!

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  • I Want To Thank Everyone Who Took The Time To Respond. 

    Me & Him Do Not Have A Child Together. The Ticker I Have Below Isnt For His Baby.  

    I Have Put In Alot Of Thought On If This Is Really What I Want. & 100% I Want To Be With This Man. & The Way My Life Is. My Family Life Is Close To Non-Existent. So Approval From 1, I Will Never Get. 2, Doesnt Really Matter To Me. But I Honestly I Think The Military Lifestyle Will Be Good For Me. I Think Getting To Know People In All The Different Areas & Creating Friendships Will Military Moms & Wives That Completely Understand What Im Going Through When/If Deployment Happens. 

    I Think Any Relationship & Any Man I Marry There Is Always Going To Be Stress & Possibly Drama. & Im Not Going To Give Up Happiness Just Because Another Option May Be "Easier." No Relationship Is Perfect. & I Don't See Mine & His Being Perfect. Because We Are Two Un-Perfect Individuals. But I Think At The End Of The Day We Are Perfect For Each Other. & Im Not Going To & Wont EVER Leave Him Because Something Is "Too Hard" I Know How That Is. I Have Had So Many People Walk Out Of My Life Because Something Got "Too Hard To Handle." I Have Alot Of Experience With LDRs & I Dont Think Its Anything I Can't Handle. 

    & The Moves I Personally Don't Think I'll Mind. I'm Already Walking Away From A Life, Lifestyle, Friends, & Family To Go Where He Is. I Think The Moves I Will Enjoy. I Kinda Have This Weird Fear & Phobia About Being In A Place For Too Long Anyways. 

    I Think After His 2 Years Is Up I Might Actually Want Him To Stay In The Military. I See How Much It Means To Him. & Just The Fact That He Has Already Extended Before Makes Me Know That It Does Mean Alot To Him. I Am Already So Proud Of Him & What He Does.  

    As Far As The Insurance Goes, I Was Just Wondering. I'm Sure We Will Talk About It As Things Get More Serious & We Are Engaged. But We Dont Have A Baby Together Or Nothing So It Really Doesnt Make A Difference To Me For The Time Being. 

     

    The Ex-Wife Is Drama. But Im Not Going To Let That Stop Me. He Wants To Get Sole Custody Because She Well, For Lack Of A Nicer Word, Isnt All That Great Of A Mom. She Doesnt Provide For Them The Way She Should. She Isnt Stable. Has No Job. No Money. Not Sure How She Even Affords To Have Them When She Does. I Have Accepted The Fact That The Baby-Mama-Drama Will Always Be There Until When/If He Does Get Sole Custody. When He Does Get Deployed They Kids Typically Spend Most Of The Time At His Parents. I'm Hoping Though Once We Are Married I Will Be Able To Keep The Kids. But Not Sure How That Will Work. 

    Thanks Again Everyone! Like I Said, I Grew Up In A VERY Anti-Military & Anti-Patriotic Family So I Know Very Little About This Kind Of Stuff... I Wouldn't Even Know The Words To The National Anthem If Someone Asked. Thats Just How I Grew Up. So I Was Never Ever Familiar With The Military & What They Did Or Why They Did It. Hence Why I Said I Was New To All This... LOL. By New I Mean VERY New. But I'm Catching On Pretty Quickly. Me & My Boyfriend Have Very Meaningful & Deeper Conversations & He Is Very Patient With Me. Even Though He Has To Explain The Basics.

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  • imagemysticl:
    imageyoyo12345:


    Tricare is military medical insurance...you won't have to pay a cent for anything, ever.

    Not true.  If you have Tricare Standard you do have some out of pocket costs.  Retirees also have to pay for their coverage.   

     

    I assumed tricare prime.  Also assuming he is not retired, based on original post.  But yes, for tricare standard there is some cost.

  • imageyoyo12345:
    imagemysticl:
    imageyoyo12345:


    Tricare is military medical insurance...you won't have to pay a cent for anything, ever.

    Not true.  If you have Tricare Standard you do have some out of pocket costs.  Retirees also have to pay for their coverage.   

     

    I assumed tricare prime.  Also assuming he is not retired, based on original post.  But yes, for tricare standard there is some cost.

    I figured he wasn't retired but since you said "ever" I just wanted the OP to know that it isn't free health care for life.   

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