I know this may start all kinds of drama and flaming although I hope not. Do you spank your kids? I really don't like spanking DD but her behavior has been so extreme lately that no time out or talking to works and I have spanked her a few times. I always feel bad afterwards but I do not know how to get through to her. My parents spanked me when I was a kid, and mom thinks I should spank DD now. Somebody out their be honest and say you have spanked your kid? If you don't besides time out, firm talking to and taking things away how do you discipline your kids?
Re: I know this may cause all kinds of drama
Nope I don't spank. The few times you spanked did it work? How'd you feel after? If it doesn't feel right to you, don't do it. Don't let anyone else tell you how to deal with your child. I personally don't think spanking is an effective form of punishment.
Don't do it because somebody else thinks you should. You do what feels right. If you're not comfortable with it, then don't do it.
Never spanked my kids. I've made it 6.5 years without feeling the need or desire to hit my children, I plan to make it a lifetime. Hitting just doesn't feel right to me. I've never actually hit an adult, I certainly don't think that hitting children is a good idea.
When i'm at the end of my rope and discipline isn't getting the desired result I walk away. discipline doesn't always work in the moment, I do think it works in the long run.
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My 4 Angel Babies.....
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Training to become an IBCLC. BF Questions? Just ask!
I teach high school and an exposed to entitled kids who have never been disciplined on a daily basis. I do not want my child to be like that. I was not raised like that, and I don't want my child to be. I also don't buy into the "everyone deserves a trophy" mentality, so take my post with a grain of salt.
We have started using 123 Magic and it is working for us. We do timeout in his room, with the door locked at the moment, if we ever get to 3 and he doesn't like it one bit. I highly recommend reading the book. It's pretty simple and effective.
This for me too. DS has been running out into the road and running away from us all the time. He doesn't stop when called and he's FAST. It scared me so much that when I caught him I spanked him hoping that he would feel the fear that I felt and wouldn't do that. I do my best to not give him the opportunity to run but I can't always foresee it. Anyway, it didn't work but its not that I was necessarily trying to punish him so much as make him associate that with running into the road. He's just about to turn 2 and doesn't get the whole cars =danger thing.
I would think making a kid wait for it would be worse, like a mental torture. I just find the whole act of spanking to be so humiliating for the child. I suppose it's a forced physical submission. I just don't see any good side to it. Seems lazy to me. Time outs are hard for parents to implement at first, if done right. That's why so many parents give up and say they don't work for their kid.
I'm not specifically saying kids who aren't spanked are all undisciplined. However, I have seen a total shift in behavior of kids since the antispanking movement has progressed. Is that the definite reason, probably not, but lack of discipline at home has created a generation of kids with all sorts of issues. Taking the paddle as discipline out of schools has also caused a shift. This is not just my opinion, but has been backed up by comments from students. There is nothing to fear anymore.
Not really.
I disagree. The way kids are today is due to lack of parenting, not spanking. There are too many lazy parents who don't take the time with their children. You don't need to put hand to your child to raise a well behaved kid. Mine has never been spanked and never will be. I take the time to teach her how to behave. Not just punish her when she doesn't.
I don't feel it is the only reason, as I stated, but I do think it has some bearing on it.
I guess I have a different perspective because spanking was a very effective tool for me as a child. I never feared my parents because of it, but the threat of it was enough to make me question my decision.
I'm certainly not saying that everyone should spank or that people who don't are bad parents. I feel that it is an effective discipline tool in my household. I guess my other comments are more about a lack of discipline than a lack of spanking. Thanks for making that clear.
I would like to say that I think there is a fear part to respect. Children should respect their parents and parents should respect their children. However, children should also fear their parents reactions to a behavior. They should fear dissapointing a parent or fear the consequence given by a parent. Without fear of a reaction to a decision, children will not truly consider the decision consequences. KWIM?
DH's cousin has a 3 and 4 yo, they get spanked for Every. Little. Thing. It has gotten to the point now that they act worse because they know they are going to get spanked anyway. It's almosr a go big or go home mentality for them. Seeing how ineffective spanking is with them makes my decision to not spank easier.
You don't need to spank in order to parent well. I had spanked DD when she first entered a very difficult phase and didn't like the way i felt or how much it made DD cry. Can't remember the last time I did it. Right now I use time outs, re-direction, or just literally let her throw her fit while I do other things.
DH on the other had doesn't have the patience that I do when it comes to these things and will go straight into a time out whereas I may giver her a 2nd chance. He will also spank. I'm starting not to like this so much and we need to have a talk. sometimes he just needs to listen to her actions. usually she is frustrated and wants something. there has been a time when he spanked her when he could have just given her what she wants, which was not a bad thing. After I told him what she wanted she stopped being "bad".....she doesn't have the best verbal skills yet.
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I totally agree. Spanking IS lazy parenting. My kid knows not to run out in the road because it's "not safe". He knows what not safe means. You know why? Because he respects us and listens to us, especially when we use an urgent tone.
I have to disagree. I always feared my parents. So much so that I never really knew how to talk out disagreements with whomever I was dating. My parents never really let me explain to them my feelings. It was always them lecturing me and then I would go to my room. I learned to be quiet or someone would have an outburst. My mom threw a lamp one time that busted in pieces. My dad was so pissed at me another time that he flicked his finger at my head and called me a b!tch because i was just sitting there acting like I didn't care. I want to make sure I have a healthy relationship with my kid and that we can talk things out.
This is total bullshiit. Why should fear be a motivator to behave in school? Why should fear be a motivator to behave at home? How about doing your best to parent children to the point where they understand that it's important to try their hardest and do their best for their own benefit, to benefit others, or to make people proud of them? I totally agree with the PP that said spanking is lazy. Kids can and do learn right from wrong without being physically punished and humiliated. Spanking to make your kids afraid of you so they conform is not parenting. I personally just cannot and will not get on board with purposefully hurting children as a way to encourage good behavior. Whatever happened to being a role model so they learn the right way to behave by watching you and looking up to you, not fearing you?
And FWIW, the kids that I went to school with that admitted to being spanked or physically punished were some of the worst behaved kids in the class and often were violent towards others, and I'm pretty sure there are quite a few peer-reviewed studies out there that back that observation up.
See, to me, I can understand getting so angry that you spank your kid. But apparently the "right way" is to do it calmly and consciously. Which to me is freaking insane.
I could see raising a hand to my daughter in the heat of the moment, out of frustration. But out of will, because I felt like it was the right thing to do? Eff no. That's awful.
I already said that spanking when something was dangerous didn't work but this statement is ridiculous. We can agree that all kids "get" things and develop at different rates in another post but you can't understand how some kids don't get the concept of danger or urgency at the same rate that your kid does? My two year old isn't disrespectful, he just doesn't actually get it yet. It's my job to keep teaching him and in the mean time keep him out of harms way.
We tend to not spank.
Discipline in our house is time outs, calm down time in the room, and a brief discussion of why he was in time out.
If I yell or spank, it only tends to blow up the problem more - his behavior will increase.
No it doesn't.
I don't hit my children. Never have and never will. Redirection, time outs and natural consequences etc.
I just had a conversation with someone IRL about this. She spanks her kids all of the time and it really works. If you are spanking your children all of the time, it's not working. lol
Here's a very simplified view point on discipline and punishment. If you could record yourself doling out whatever discipline and punishment that you think works for your kid, then watch it back without cringing, great! Keep doing it. If not, maybe you should reconsider your methods. If it doesn't look or feel right or if you wouldn't do it in front of other people, maybe it's not right.
My comment about spanking being lazy has to do with the fact that spanking is immediate action with immediate results and it's immediately over. The results seem to be effective in some cases, but IMO, the child is just startled from whatever they were doing, not being taught any long term lessons or good behaviors. Other forms of discipline, such as time outs, take time, consistency, and lots of effort to implement correctly. The results are often not seen immediately so parents get frustrated with it. However, the results are typically more effective in correcting the behavior long term without resorting to physical dominance and humiliation.
I think spanking sends the wrong message and inserts a negative dynamic into the relationship. Hands are not for hitting.
I can't get the ticker to work, but I have two sons:
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To me that is fear just not physical fear. You feared disappointing them.
We don't spank, but that is not to say that we wont. I know she did get spanked by my MIL one time because she did let go of her hand and run across a busy street and luckily the truck saw her and was able to stop. My MIL was scared and she just did it. She felt horrible afterwards and cried when she told me that she did it. I felt bad that she felt so bad, but had I been in that situation I probably would have done that too. She has never run again and I don't think that she didn't respect her grandmother and that is why she ran. She was 2 and she has no clue.
We try to do time outs and redirection and stay consistent, but it there comes a time when those don't work then we will reevaluate.
My father spanked me and my sister, but I honestly could count on one hand the amount of times he did it. I didn't fear him physically, but I did fear disappointing him and so I thought about my actions. I never snuck out, was disrespectful, etc. My sister was 11 when he passed away. My mom raised us by trying to be our friend so my sister did sneak out, had sex at an early age, etc. not saying the spanking was why, but she didn't have the same discipline as I did.
I agree with this philosophy. One book I read summed it up well. They said that discipline is not about controlling your child, but rather teaching your child to control themselves.
This is true for us. When NOTHING else works she'll get get spanked. Add me to the "lazy" parenting group.
Oh, and LOL at the person that said their kids "knows" what danger means and follows instructions based off tone of voice. Eveidently you are a far superior parent than I. But again, I'm lazy.