When you tell people..

YellowLily2013 · June 2013

When you tell people you're planning a natural birth. Why does everyone say "oh bless your heart" or "your braver than I am" ?

It's getting annoying. From what I've read and researched. Having a natural birth while painful can reduce the duration of labor and can lead to quicker recoveries than csections.

I guess my point is. I'm not trying to be a martyr like people try and make it sound.

Anyone else deal with this? Share your stories!!

tokenhoser · June 2013

It's about them, not about you. You're making a decision different than the one they made (or plan to make, or think they would make). That makes people uncomfortable, as it's hard to not think that whatever you did is the right thing to do... which means another choice is not as right.

Anyway... I just didn't talk about it much unless I was in a place where I expected support (i.e. where I thought people made the same choices I did, give or take).

YellowLily2013 · June 2013

tokenhoser:
It's about them, not about you. You're making a decision different than the one they made or plan to make, or think they would make. That makes people uncomfortable, as it's hard to not think that whatever you did is the right thing to do... which means another choice is not as right.Anyway... I just didn't talk about it much unless I was in a place where I expected support i.e. where I thought people made the same choices I did, give or take.nbsp;

I wish it was that easy! People are pretty direct with me. Although not completely rude... Just those general comments.

My auntinlaw after a decent conversation said "well I guess I don't know anything about babies... After having 4 and working as a prenatal technician!"

Which got under my skin a little, since I'm not trying to come off as a know it all or anything. They just ask about my experience and my classes. So I told her.

tokenhoser · June 2013

See? All about her.

I'm just saying you can't change what people say. You can change how you think about it. And then you can change the subject. People shut up a lot more the second time around.

YellowLily2013 · June 2013

tokenhoser:
See? All about her.I'm just saying you can't change what people say. You can change how you think about it. And then you can change the subject. People shut up a lot more the second time around.nbsp;

Very true!

sschwege · June 2013

I dealt with this with my first, the nice thing about the second time around is people aren't so shocked. Kind of more of a 'there she goes again' reaction. As pp said try not to discuss or just be vague, 'we'll see how the day goes'.

As to how I dealt with it, I would typically say, "I know crazy' ::eye roll:: or I remember one girl saying something like, "You must be so tough, I had to get the epi" and I said something like, "You must be tough too because part of what motivated me was fear of a needle in my back." Truly I meant it too, an epi deosn't sound like much fun either. Any way you cut it labor is hard work and any woman who brings a child into this world is amazing, I don't care how they do it.

meltoine · June 2013

I don't mention it generally, but most people have asked what hospital I'm delivering at or who my doctor is, and I tell them matter-of-factly that I'm delivering at home with a midwife.

I'm pretty close with most of my neighbors since we all have kids the same age, and 4/8 of them are nurses, so they are invested in the medical establishment and think I'm nuts. Whatever. I know my reasons and I'm confident in them. I decided a long time ago that what other people think of me and my decisions doesn't matter.

tango97ch · June 2013

I am currently switching from a OBGYN and seeking a midwife. After two deliveries with Epi and inducement I have had enough. I was younger when I had my first two and did not research and know my options or the effects of either. Wish I had.

Keep it up YellowLily! I have not had anyone be supportive since I have made my choice, but that hasn't changed my mind.

A37licia · June 2013

tokenhoser:
It's about them, not about you. You're making a decision different than the one they made (or plan to make, or think they would make). That makes people uncomfortable, as it's hard to not think that whatever you did is the right thing to do... which means another choice is not as right.
Anyway... I just didn't talk about it much unless I was in a place where I expected support (i.e. where I thought people made the same choices I did, give or take).

I agree with this. It's like so many choices in motherhood - most of the reactions are coming from either another's confidence in what they did, or another's discomfort at their own choice.

SarahinMD · June 2013

I'm fortunate that a number of folks (mostly women) at my work have daughters at least who used a midwife. With DD sometimes I just said, "Oh, well, my mother had all four of us naturally." I agree with PP that the good thing is by #2, you get less annoying comments. At least I have.

lancomechica · June 2013

I have not had anyone make a supportive comment besides my sister when I share with them that I am trying to go medication free. I get so many strange comments and even people saying..."oh you just don't know the pain...you will be screaming for meds". Or "why would you say no to less pain??"

I have always had a high pain tolerance and I know that i have no idea what kind of pain this will be but I am looking forward to making my best attempt to give birth to my child without medication.

JCWhitey · June 2013

I don't get that. I get "good for you" or "I went all natural with my kids, it was awesome" or "I really wanted to but ended up with an induction/epi/c-section but plan to for the next one, I wish you luck!". I'm realizing more and more that I have awesome friends and family. No one thinks it's odd or brave. But I also have some very educated friends and family who know the benefits.

Khaleesi07 · June 2013

I've had a mixed reaction...some people think it's great that I plan on going natural, some people laugh and tell me I'll be asking for the drugs. This week while getting my glucose test done, the lab technician said "Well there's no use in going through the pain when you can have the epidural! Just schedule it ahead of time, so you won't have to worry about not being able to get it past a certain point." I kindly told her that won't be an option since I'll be giving birth at a birthing center

kirkie2023 · June 2013

As a FTM planning on having a water birth, hearing all the comments like "you're going to be begging for drugs" and "you're giving birth like they did in the caveman days" really gets under my skin. I just think that some people tend to be a little closeminded. And usually those are the people who never researched or looked into alternative ways of birthing or just think that their experience was the correct way.

I just shrug off the comments and keep in mind that this is my birthing experience and my choice. We women are so much stronger and capable than we give ourselves credit for.

macdidlyicious · June 2013

I eventually stopped talking about it to people. I got a lot of laughs, eye rolls, and "oh just wait"s when I did share my plan. I'll admit it only made me more determined to go med free. I agree it's more about their own experiences or insecurities than anything. I hear so any people say its not about being the "hero" or it's not a competition but that works both ways.

MannaPants · June 2013

I get some good reactions, like "I wanted to but ended up with the epi!" or "Good for you!" And then I get some doozies. I've gotten, "You know you won't get a medal for that", "You wouldn't get a tooth pulled without medication", "I used pain meds and my kids are fine", and "Hah! You can try."
My favorite was a conversation with a coworker. She heard I was doing it natural and said, "So are you gonna squat like some African village woman?"
I'm sorry, what?

robyn2201 · June 2013

I honestly had very few people ask about our birth plans. We had both girls in a hospital. I am sure that if we had home births it would have come up more because people did always ask which hospital were we going with. I think most people just assumed I would be getting an epi and didn't even think to ask. I would suggest just replying with, "We will see how it goes".

nicholssquared · June 2013

I actually have been asked about epidurals quite frequently. I just say, "we aren't planning on using any medication..." If I get a response like, "Haha, good luck with that," or, "Just wait, you'll be begging for the meds," I intend to say, "well, my first two were unmedicated and I didn't seem to have any problems. Thanks for your input, though!" I did this with DS2; typically that will stop the birth plan shenanigans. I know this doesn't work for FTMs, but just be confident in your decision. It's all about attitude!

provwife · June 2013

It's so annoying. Really, it is.
I really want to get on my soap box everytime someone says something to me about it but I just smile and pretend I don't notice their negativity.
Just today I got, "so...there isn't going to be a doctor present for your delivery?"...and I say, "well, my midwife and nurses will be there"...then they looked at me like I'm nuts and I just smiled and nodded. It's like, uhh why would there have to be a DOCTOR there for child birth? I don't have a diseases or a broken arm, I'm giving birth to a baby! A midwife delivers babies!
And I got a "soo..why are you doing it at a birthing center?". My response, "well it is the closest to a home birth yet still in a hospital. I also do not want an epidural or any other unneeded interventions. Not to mention that their C section and epidural rates are practically nothing"...their response was a giggle and eye roll.

stahlop · June 2013

Unfortunately, what most people are feeling is insecure about their own birth choices when you do something different than what is the norm. I got a lot of negative feedback with my first about going natural and doing it at home. Even some of my DH's friends, who are men and are really clueless kept saying I'd be begging for an epidural. This time around I didn't say anything to anyone unless they specifically asked about doctors or hospitals.