Disclaimer: This is NOT a mommy wars post.
If you went from WM to SAHM do you think it made your life easier? Right now I am a FT WM with 2 kids, DD almost 3 and DS 15months. My DH works long hours with a crazy long commute so basically everything falls on me during the week. I get both kids up and ready and take them to DC, then work all day, pick the up, get home at 6pm. I have to get the kids dinner while they are cranky and tired/hungry. DH is usually home to help with bedtime at least. But then I have to pack lunches and stuff for the next day. I feel overwhelmed a lot of the time and I feel like I am never caught up on stuff.
Part of me feels like it would be sooo much easier if I didn't work. Right now this is not a possibility financially, but it may be in the future. But then I wonder if it would still be hard, just in a different way. For example I'd have to give up the cleaning service I'm sure. But my mom is closeby and I know she would come over a lot to help me out. So I guess I'm just curious what your experience has been. Did you feel less stressed out when you started staying home? Or did you miss having the "break" of going to work? Did you feel lonely and isolated or did you find it was easier to make other mommy friends once you were home?
Re: If you went from WM to SAHM
Amy - I think working PT would be awesome. I switched jobs a few months ago, and I'm not sure if PT is a possibility at my new job. I'm thinking about looking into it. I'm also not sure how much PT DC would cost.
DH and I have been talking about the future. He is opening up more to the possibility of changing jobs closer to home. I think I proved to him that we would not be able to find someplace close enough to NY that we could afford to live (at least not the lifestyle that we both want).
I think being at home is difficult in a different way than working outside the home, but they both have their challenges. I used to teach and had work to bring home...being a SAHM is like that in that the work feels like it's never ending. My job as SAHM is 24 7 365...there are no lunch breaks and no sick days.
SAHMs do everything that WMs nannies or daycare do and more. For many SAHMs, we are also cleaning service, chef, chauffeur, instructor, and volunteer. We wear many hats.
This. EXACTLY this.
My DH is a very active parent and husband, but I'm still a 24/7 mom. When you work outside of the home, you get to leave and come home. It's a break from one environment to the next. Both are work, but you are getting a separation. How many working individuals could stay at their job from wake up to bedtime and not want to pull their hair out or strangle one of their coworkers?!?
I think the biggest advantage that WMs have is the ability to call in sick or take a personal day. Unless SAHMs have a babysitter or family member on call, that usually isn't possible and we have to suck it up. I hate that!
I work part-time as well. I ended up really hating SAH, it was too isolating, and I really like having time during the day where I don't have to only think about my kids and my house.
Can your DH get things ready at night for the next day? If he's back for bedtime, then I'm assuming he's around after they go to sleep as well. It sounds like he could pitch in more so less prep falls on you (since you have the majority of the child wrangling before and after work).
DS2 - Oct 2010 (my VBAC baby!)
It is WAY easier SAH. My DH also works long hours so I was working FT and doing every drop off, pick up, bath, dinner and bed....then after they went to bed would have to get things ready for daycare for the following day and if I was up for it do some cleaning.
Don't get me wrong, SAH can be demanding, but overall, I am way less rushed and stressed being at home.
Goodbye little angel(7/22/2011)....see you in heaven
Goodbye my second angel (9/18/2011)
1) I have a better social life when I am at home. Most of my friends are SAHM's, and they are busy evenings and weekends. I also spent a lot of time visiting elderly relatives, talking with neighbors, and doing other social stuff.
2) There is just less to worry about. Honestly, I worry more about my kids when the babysitter is caring for them than I do when I am caring for them. On top of it, I worry about my job. I am especially anxiety-prone, but I have a lot more sleepless nights as a WM than a SAHM.
3) No stress about the kids being sick. If my kid has strep, then I take him to the doctor. While I am there, I talk about my kid. I don't have to reschedule my own appointments and deal with Mrs. Z who burned her house down that morning with a piece of paper with my name written on it because I cancelled her appointment.
4) No stress about DH working late or traveling. If H has to work late, then he has to work late. It is absolutely no big deal at all. It does not mean that I have to cancel my last appointments of the day, then run out of work to see my kids with one caregiver in the dark daycare.
5) I get to be outside. I love playing outside. Love playing with my kids, taking them to the zoo, doing crafts, etc.
6) If I can't get something done one day, then I can just do it the next day. Kids being crazy at Target? We will just leave and go tomorrow. Didn't get the laundry done? I'll just finish it in the morning.
Ive worked outside of the home with kids and I still find sah to be the most difficult. I think it's easier to get things done with more time, sure. I am in day five of nonstop two year old whining. That is far more difficult for me to mentally deal with than work stress but I suppose that's me and my personality.
I also see a huge difference in my house anyway the amount of cleaning I have to do when the kids were home for 3 hours before bedtime vs an all day thing regardless of how quick my kids can trash a playroom.
I work part-time and really feel like it is the best of both worlds. I was considering quitting my job to SAH since we were having childcare issues but we have worked that out so for now I am working 3 days a week.
It's nice because during the week I clean the house and run errands. I grocery shop every other Saturday when DS1 is gone to his bio mom's, but for the most part our weekends are totally relaxed because there is nothing really to do. I tend to cook more involved meals on my 4 days off and quick easy ones on the days I work.
I know that the nights before I work when I have to get bottles/pump parts/lunch and everything ready for the next day I am thankful I'm not having to do that every single night. You are probably right that things would be easier if you didn't work.
You said you can't financially swing it right now, but maybe look into PT work? PT daycare may be cheaper than you think. Also, I'm sure this isn't a popular on this board, but have you thought about cutting expenses and extras? Maybe then it would be more financially feasible. Obviously you would lose daycare expense, cut down on gas, maybe dry-cleaning/professional clothes, and you said your cleaning service. If you didn't work as much maybe you would have more time to menu plan, shop sales and cut down on grocery expenses. Could you downgrade cell phones? Rework your internet or cable plan? Mow your own lawn? These things might not be possible for everyone but if you are truly miserable as a WM, there are ways to make SAH work.
I agree about being home all day means a messier house. I clean my kitchen 2-3x a day and feel like I'm constantly picking up when I'm home.
I've done both - and my mom worked so we've also talked about it a lot. Here are my two cents:
Both are hard, in different ways. My house get way messier and needs to be cleaned/straightened way more often with me staying home. I am constantly in the kitchen (because I cook lunch now, make snacks, etc - meaning more to clean up). I also have to straighten up periodically throughout the day because of messes DS makes (or him having an accident in his crib, etc).
It's also really hard on days DS is super whiny/teething/etc. There have been days where I seriously wished like everything that I had a job to go to because he was SO difficult. Is that every day? Of course not, but there ARE those days (and I was a classroom teacher, with 25 5th graders. So going to work certainly wasn't a walk in the park).
It can also be hard on the days we are literally in our apartment. all. day. long. I crave adult interaction, brain stimulation, etc.
BUT there are days where this feels like it's not even work at all. Days we have a blast together, get to have a park/lunch date with friends, get errands run and chores done so that when DH gets home we can just enjoy the evening with nothing else to do the remainder of the night.
I don't believe it's true that WM do everything that SAH moms do in a fraction of the time. They do a lot, but not everything because during those hours someone else is changing the diapers, feeding the child, helping them go to sleep, etc. When I worked, I wasn't the one doing those things.
Anyhow, like I said at the beginning - I think both have their challenges. This (me SAH) is the better fit for me and our family - and in general I do think it's easier (most days), but there's no such thing as having an "Easy" life as a mom (at least, not that I have found/experienced).
You summed it up perfectly. I completely agree! I spent all morning getting DH, my dad and fils Father's Day stuff. It's all done and was fun and relaxing doing it. If I was working then I'd have to run around after work or Saturday and knowing me be stressed about it all. I also am training for a triathlon. I go to the gym in the morning w dd or I run or bike outside at nights when DH gets home or in the weekends. I know myself and if I worked full time there's no way id exercise after work. I think there's a lot of perks to staying home.
I went from a job I loved to stay at home which I also love. Each has it's own challenges and rewards. I feel I can not compare being a SAHM to when I was a working mom. But I love not having the stress of who was going to pick up my son from daycare. If I was at court and my husband was on a call neither of us could leave work to get him if he was sick or if we both got stuck at work at the end of the day. We don't live by any family that could help. That was the biggest stressor.
I also had a cleaner house when I was working bc no one was ever home lol. It is also hard if I'm sick or need a mental health day, I can't just bring him to daycare. Im 17 weeks pregnant and spent the first tri in the bathroom over the toilet with a two year old on my back lol.
I joined some mom groups in the area and have made great friends. We have playdates 4 days a week. My husband and I also agreed my job is taking care of my son, running errands during the day and making dinner most nights. When we are both home chores, meals and child care is split. We also give each other a night off a month to go out with friends and take turns sleeping in on weekends. It helped set up expectations.
There is no right or wrong answer. I struggled with not having a " working" identity for a while. I'll be home for a year next month and am finally starting to create a new me, but grasping I'm not just a mom, I'm more than that even though I do not have an outside job. Good luck
This right here.
I'm going on day 3 of watching my kids with no break and barely any sleep because toddlers are jerks.
Being a SAHM is significantly more difficult than being a WM.
Unable to even.
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You don't understand the appeal of Benedict Cumberbatch / think he's fug / don't know who he is? WATCH SHERLOCK. Until you do, your negative opinion of him will not be taken seriously.
Thank you so much for sharing your experiences, I really appreciate it. All the moms I know have either always been WM's or always SAH. I'm sure it is a big change going from one to the other. I do hope to SAH eventually, hopefully by the time we have baby #3. Right now I could probably go PT, which I would love, but we are really trying to save up money to move to a bigger house before we expand our family.
I agree with some of the ladies that said WM's don't do everything that SAHMs do b/c someone else is caring for the children. My problem is keeping up with the cooking, laundry, packing lunches, etc. all after work. I feel like we try to do so much fun stuff with the kids on the weekends and we are also trying to cram in housework and chores. There's just not enough time to do it all. Having a nanny might make it easier, but I really love our daycare center, and I think the cost of a nanny (plus activities for the kids) would still be more expensive than 2 in daycare.
I think the poster who said it's easier b/c she doesn't try to "do it all" really summed it up nicely. When I was on ML, that's how I felt. We were totally relaxed and unscheduled. I wasn't stressed out because nothing really had to get done at any point in time.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me!
Well, yes.
That is my opinion, which is what the OP asked for. It is not a slam against SAHMs or WMs, but my personal experience.
I have a very odd set of circumstances. Anyone who knows me or my story is well aware of those.
So step off, Amynumbers, until you've walked a mile in my shoes as well.
Unable to even.
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You don't understand the appeal of Benedict Cumberbatch / think he's fug / don't know who he is? WATCH SHERLOCK. Until you do, your negative opinion of him will not be taken seriously.
lol. Ok. Sorry I forgot two words and was threatened with a throat punch. Makes sense and is totally reasonable.
My special circumstances: 2.5 year old extremely active and strong twins. No help from family except for when my parents take them for a few days every 6 weeks. No way to put them into daycare because job market sucks. Very low on money so no going to drop them off at the gym or take them to a museum is out of the question. No taking them on walks to burn off energy because they go in two opposite directions even when on backpack harnesses and so it's like herding cats. They are the size of 5 year olds with the minds of 2.5 year olds.
I am doing this by myself. I am with my daughters all day, every day, by myself. Go ahead and tell me this is all my fault and I have options because I've heard (and tried) it all.
I am stuck being a SAHM until I can find a job that will allow me to afford the $2k+ a month for childcare.
So there is my story. And yes, it is harder, so much harder, than working because my job does.not.end. I don't get to leave it at work. My job is where I live.
I feel very strongly about this.
Unable to even.
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You don't understand the appeal of Benedict Cumberbatch / think he's fug / don't know who he is? WATCH SHERLOCK. Until you do, your negative opinion of him will not be taken seriously.
Amy, your comment is exactly why things don't stay civil and instead turn into a mommy war. People are allowed to have differing opinions, and in fact that's what the OP asked for.
Cinemagoddess, I appreciate your opinion as well. It sounds like you are a SAHM due to circumstances, not by choice. I wish both of us the possibility to have the choice of whether to work of stay at home, in the future.
I hate that the womens movement was aimed at giving women, especially moms, the choice to work. For many of us, there is no choice. We either can't afford to stay home or can't afford to pay for daycare so we can work.
I didn't mean to spew all of my SAHMing bitterness all up in this thread. I truly didn't.
I'm not made to be a SAHM and I'm not happy with my current circumstances. I'm doing my best to get out of it but job market sucking and all makes it difficult.
I know there are a lot of women who want to be SAHMs and would kill to trade places with me, but holy crap it is hard.
I give my husband a hard time because he complains about receiving a curt email and I'm like "Did you get literally pooped on today? Did you have to clean up milk spills 17 times because tantrums? No, then shut yer trap, yo."
Unable to even.
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You don't understand the appeal of Benedict Cumberbatch / think he's fug / don't know who he is? WATCH SHERLOCK. Until you do, your negative opinion of him will not be taken seriously.
I assumed the "for me" was implied since it was a request for opinion.
I'll remember that next time I post in one of these threads.
My bad.
Unable to even.
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You don't understand the appeal of Benedict Cumberbatch / think he's fug / don't know who he is? WATCH SHERLOCK. Until you do, your negative opinion of him will not be taken seriously.
Unable to even.
********************
You don't understand the appeal of Benedict Cumberbatch / think he's fug / don't know who he is? WATCH SHERLOCK. Until you do, your negative opinion of him will not be taken seriously.
Benedict Cumberbatch, amynumbers.
He's the faux husband I share with SookieFrackhouse.
Unable to even.
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You don't understand the appeal of Benedict Cumberbatch / think he's fug / don't know who he is? WATCH SHERLOCK. Until you do, your negative opinion of him will not be taken seriously.
That sounds like some epic dipshittery, amy. I'm sorry you had a rough time.
Hav - we did look into it, but we still made too much money (on paper) to qualify.
Unable to even.
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You don't understand the appeal of Benedict Cumberbatch / think he's fug / don't know who he is? WATCH SHERLOCK. Until you do, your negative opinion of him will not be taken seriously.
Yeah, I couldn't lie about something like that because I know I would get caught and then things would get worse for us.
I can't even take a shot of vodka in the middle of the day because I'm too afraid of "What if something happens and I have to drive?" even though some days I really need a shot of vodka.
Unable to even.
********************
You don't understand the appeal of Benedict Cumberbatch / think he's fug / don't know who he is? WATCH SHERLOCK. Until you do, your negative opinion of him will not be taken seriously.
your token response is when someone mentions sah is hard you say it's so easy and anyone else who thinks otherwise is trying to play the martyr. Why is this any different than the stuff you say on this topic regularly?
Unable to even.
********************
You don't understand the appeal of Benedict Cumberbatch / think he's fug / don't know who he is? WATCH SHERLOCK. Until you do, your negative opinion of him will not be taken seriously.
lolz. Ok. I get angry sometimes. I'm just warning you. The girls don't nap anymore so I go about 15 hours straight having to deal with them. I get grumpy.
Unable to even.
********************
You don't understand the appeal of Benedict Cumberbatch / think he's fug / don't know who he is? WATCH SHERLOCK. Until you do, your negative opinion of him will not be taken seriously.
Yes, this is the biggest change for me. I have to make sure things get done at x time on x day, which gets tiresome. It's much easier being able to just run errands when you feel like it, or have all day to scrub the house.
DS2 - Oct 2010 (my VBAC baby!)
i just don't get what gives you the privilege to make blanket statements yet no one else can.
I'll never understand why this always turns into a pissing contest. Being a mom is hard no matter how you slice it. Being a WM and being a SAHM both have their unique challenges. Some people aren't cut out to be WMs some aren't cut out to SAH. Not to mention everyone has a different experience with their individual child(ren) and their (outside the home) workplace/job. You just can't make general statements about which is harder because YOU DON'T KNOW MY LYFE!
But seriously, you don't. And I don't know yours. And that's why these comparisons never get anywhere because it's impossible to generalize it, which really helps no one.
::bangs gavel::
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This is fantastic if you have infants, but once they hit toddler tornado, you don't always get to do this.
It also crushes your soul a little bit when you spend a long time getting the house cleaned up and within 15 minutes it's completely trashed again.
Unable to even.
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You don't understand the appeal of Benedict Cumberbatch / think he's fug / don't know who he is? WATCH SHERLOCK. Until you do, your negative opinion of him will not be taken seriously.
Yeah, but like I said, it's also soul crushing when you try to do a good job at the only job you have and your bosses are continually destroying your work so you have to start all over again from scratch.
Unable to even.
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You don't understand the appeal of Benedict Cumberbatch / think he's fug / don't know who he is? WATCH SHERLOCK. Until you do, your negative opinion of him will not be taken seriously.
I was never a WM, but being a SAHM is way easier for me than working FT without kids. My job was really stressful with long hours. My H works long hours and travels for a stressful job, except he made a lot more money. I could just see the conflicts about dropping off/picking up from daycare, who would stay home for sick days etc.
Sure we have rough days but overall, my life is pretty good.
DS 3.12.08
DD 7.11.09
DD 8.01.13
I didn't say something idiotic, tho. I said something I believe to be true.
There is a difference.
Unable to even.
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You don't understand the appeal of Benedict Cumberbatch / think he's fug / don't know who he is? WATCH SHERLOCK. Until you do, your negative opinion of him will not be taken seriously.