How do I tell people they are not invited to the birth?

MamaHanna · June 2013

Here is my issue- In talking to DH?s family this week I got the vibe that they think that EVERYONE ?.mom, dad, sister, aunts?like EVERYBODY is going to be in the room when I give birth. My husband has a very ?tight? family. I however do not want them there. It is not that I do not love them because we are very close and get along well it?s just that it is my first baby and when I get nervous or stressed the thing that makes me freak out the most is when there are too many people around. I am kind of claustrophobic and his family tends to have issues with boundaries so I know they are not just going to hang back and observe.

My original plan was just my DH and my mom but now I am not even sure that I want my mom there anymore. I am one of those people where my mom is one of my best friends and we are really close but she tends to become a little ?too involved? in things. We were talking about the birth on a car trip to a family party this week and she said ?oh I might just take a peek down there to see it coming out. I want to at least see it when it?s crowning or when the shoulders pop out.? I am not one of those people who will be filming the birth and the last thing I want is my mom staring at me spread eagle with a baby coming out of me. I even told her ?I love you but if you do that I will kick you out of the room it is not something I am comfortable with.? Her response ?oh you will be so busy pushing you won?t even notice if I look.? That basically translates to me as ?I don?t care about your wishes. ?It took a lot of back and forth till she said ?ok I won?t look? but my mom is one of those people who will stand in front of a sign that says ?do not feed the animals? throwing bread crumbs?if she wants to do it ?she?s gonna do it.

I know if DH had his way it would just be me and him but he wants me to be comfortable so he said I can make the final call on who stays and who goes and he has no issue kicking people out if need be. Our hospital has private birthing rooms that can accommodate up to 8 guests so it?s not like they are not allowed in either?no easy out for me! It?s just that it is such a big moment in both of our lives and I don?t want to wait till it?s like 2 weeks before the birth and they are thinking the whole time that it?s going to be a family reunion in my hospital room! I don?t have any issue with them being in the waiting room and coming in right after but the idea of about 8 people just staring at my crotch while I am trying to focus does not sound like the birth experience I want! So?How do I tell the people I love that they are not invited?

Unknown · June 2013

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jane.says · June 2013

It is so bizarre to me that people even need to have this conversation. I am SO glad my family would never dream of being this nervy. NO ONE was in the room at any point except for my DH. I would advise you don't even tell people they're not invited, you just have your husband call when you're in labor and tell them he'll call when there's more news, or he'll come out in the waiting room to give them news or whatever. It would literally never cross my mind to think I had to specifically say that people were not invited into the actual room.

RedDDD · June 2013

I had this issue with my mom. She means well but she is totally over bearing and I didn't want everyone there. I wanted the moment which I find to be highly private and intimate to be about me and DH and new baby. So to be honest you just have to be direct and say no one in the room until after the baby is born and thats it. Some people will get offended and after a few weeks they will get over it. I can't imagine a room full of people talking and staring ....etc....makes me uncomfortable just thinking about it. When you get to the hospital the nurses are very good at referee-ing. You just tell them ....no one in the room...period and they wont let anyone in! This is the first of many moments to come where you are forced to make decisions for you and YOUR family above all others. It was a hard lesson and somewhat uncomfortable at first for me but once you do it it feels good to say "no this is what I want and what is best for me" THE END. Dont let you mom or anyone else bully you into doing something you dont' want to do. GL!

PrimRoseMama · June 2013

Bliss+Berry:
tl;dr
It's your vagina, you call the shots. Be firm, direct and honest. If that fails, get the nurses to do it for you.

Agree. Seriously, just say no. Hurt feelings are really going to pass once the baby is here. No one is entitled to be there except the parents themselves.

esf60 · June 2013

Bliss+Berry:
tl;dr

WAY tl;dc.

i'll never, ever understand this. here's how you tell people... you just tell them. "i love you, but you're not allowed in the room when i give birth." done!

hollowway · June 2013

My SO and I have decided that we aren't going to be calling family until after the baby is born and we've had our time to bond. This way, there is nobody thinking they are entitled to be in the room.

JocelynB0911 · June 2013

"Hey_____, I feel that the whole labor process is a very intimate thing that my husband and I need to share together considering it is our child. We'll give you a call when we're up for visitors."

Are people seriously asking if they can be there? I think a lot of FTMs think its a bigger deal than it really is. I would think that most people would respect the fact that they had absolutely nothing to do with creating this baby and have no rhyme or reason to be there unless the parents of said child decide they want more in there for support. Be direct and firm.

pink flamingo · June 2013

You should just tell them you want to be fully nude while birthing and you don't think they would want to see that! On a serious note I would just be honest and tell them it is very uncomfortable to have people in the room while birthing. I'm going to let people come in to see me in the very beginning but once everything starts to move fast and progress everyone's gone except my hubby. I don't want any family member looking at my vagina !!!

MamaHanna · June 2013

Just to clarify, it?s not that DH?s family asked to be there they just assumed that they of course were invited in. His cousin just gave birth with 10 people in the room?.no thank you! This stuff is hard for me because I tend to be a little ?harsh? sometimes when I feel backed into a corner so I was looking for some help with wording so I don?t come off as bitchy?lol.

NL105 · June 2013

Bliss+Berry:
tl;dr
It's your vagina, you call the shots. Be firm, direct and honest. If that fails, get the nurses to do it for you.

Yeah, this. I still don't understand why/how some people think they're automatically entitled to attending the birth just because they are family or friends. It's a personal experience for a mother/signifcant other/etc. The only ones in the room with me be the dr, nurses and DH. We've told our parents they are free to wait in the waiting room until we're ready to have visitors.

SittingOnAMtnTop · June 2013

NL105:
Bliss+Berry:
tl;dr
It's your vagina, you call the shots. Be firm, direct and honest. If that fails, get the nurses to do it for you.
Yeah, this. I still don't understand why/how some people think they're automatically entitled to attending the birth just because they are family or friends. It's a personal experience for a mother/signifcant other/etc. The only ones in the room with me be the dr, nurses and DH. We've told our parents they are free to wait in the waiting room until we're ready to have visitors.

This is what we did. Both of our parents were invited to the hospital and once DS was delivered and we felt comfortable with visitors they were able to come in and meet the baby. We had brothers and sisters over to the hospital the following day.

With the next baby we are going to have visitors the day after the birth. DH and I want to first 24 hours to be just the three of us and have that special time to bond.

kdjudd · June 2013

I had my nurse be the bad guy. They are used to it and they have no problem telling people they aren't welcome in the delivery room. I had lots of visitors while I was in early labor, but they all ended up staying in the waiting room while I was delivering. You can also just avoid telling anyone you are in labor until the baby arrives. That's what I plan on doing this time.

mysunshine11 · June 2013

What I have let everyone in my family know (and my DH's family) is that I need a calm birthing experience. Dim lights, low stress, calm and time for my DH and I to bond with the baby. I don't want a ton of people in the room and honestly, I focus to much on taking care of everyone else that I wouldn't be able to focus on myself and my baby. That means just myself and my DH.

If that changes and I decide I need my MIL there...then we will call her. I would just state what YOU need, how that will happen and that you will notify everyone once the baby arrives. The only way people will know you are in labor is if you contact them....so assuming your DH is on the same page, just go on to the hospital and don't tell anyone.

MommyKristin88 · June 2013

Easy, tell them you only want DH and your mom present.

What will they do? Cry, and hate you forever?? It's your body, do what you want.

ETA: Or just call them after delivery, so you don't have to worry about them showing up when you don't want them there.

topofthepeek · June 2013

I'm glad you posted this. I am having the same thing with my IL's. They are a big but close family and some are just assuming they will be in the room. Thankfully my family won't want to be there until later, they are all squeemish around bodily fluids lol . I'm thinking we aren't going to call anyone and tell them until she is here. I really want that few moments of skin on skin bonding and trying to breast feed and I want to do it without everyones eyes on my LO and my boob. I also don't want any pictures taken. My MIL took a whole bunch of pictures of my SIL giving birth to my nephew and like a month later at a school event someone stole the camera bag which contained the memory card and all of those crotch shots! Scary! But I am going to put it on my DH to tell his family and be firm

LC122 · June 2013

We didn't even tell people we were in labor, so there wasn't an option of people showing up at the hospital.

Also, when you pre-register or register at the hospital, you can ask that your name be kept private so that if anyone calls the hospital looking for you, they can't find you unless you want them to.

As for what to say, I would say something along the lines of "For our birthplan, we want the delivery to be as calm and quiet as possible so we won't have visitors until we have had some time to bond as a family and recover fully."

Also, I was in labor for 37 hours, so no need for people to spend two days in the hospital. You never know how or how long things will take, so it's easier to just let people know when you and the baby are ready for guests.

I also agree with letting your husband field questions/comments from his family. You might even coach him on what to say and when to work it into a casual conversation.

Liz4444 · June 2013

jane.says:
It is so bizarre to me that people even need to have this conversation. I am SO glad my family would never dream of being this nervy. NO ONE was in the room at any point except for my DH. I would advise you don't even tell people they're not invited, you just have your husband call when you're in labor and tell them he'll call when there's more news, or he'll come out in the waiting room to give them news or whatever. It would literally never cross my mind to think I had to specifically say that people were not invited into the actual room.

This. It's a medical procedure, not a broadway show.

lvnbraves · June 2013

If Dh is onboard with just the 2 of you, then do it. It's an incredibly special moment and if having all of the people around you is going to ruin that for you, don't do it.

VitaLuna · June 2013

If people ask, tell them you just want it to be you and DH (and your mom, if that's what you decide). If you feel like they're going to push the boundaries, you have two options a) don't tell them you're at the hospital until baby arrives, or b) have the nurse keep them out, which they will do.

I am a huge fan of not telling people that baby is here until they're born. I really don't understand the whole idea of people sitting in the waiting room for hours on end. Baby will be just as cute 10min after birth as they are 2hrs after, so why sit around and wait? Why not wait at home for the new mom to call? There's my little rant for you.

Audaciousarica · June 2013

Make your mom keep your inlaws out. That's pretty much my plan. My mother REFUSES to come to the delivery room and is totally old-school in believing no one but the father should be in there. She'll have no problem keeping other people out.

Also, there are some hospitals that have a visitor limit during L&D that you can use to your benefit. Even if they don't, you can say your Dr. does have a limit and make sure to tell your nurses you don't want anyone coming back. It takes the pressure off of you if you make the hospital look like they're the ones saying no.

Svenny1011 · June 2013

I had to go through this with my Mom too. I totally don't understand how this is even an issue with them! We got into a huge fight over it, and it sucked. But in the end, I felt good that I put my foot down and said I don't want anyone there. It wasn't even about being in the room or at the hospital, so much as not listening to what we wanted. I really don't want anyone at the hospital at all until the baby is born. I don't want stress and annoyance, which frankly, my Mom will most definitely create.

This is how I feel - you are going to have to put your foot down a lot once the baby is born. You'll probably get a lot of unsolicited advice and criticism about how things are being done. Or you'll have to reinforce the rules if people aren't abiding by the way you do things. I just used this circumstance as practice for establishing boundaries and that we won't be walked all over!

brookiedawn · June 2013

Bliss+Berry:
tl;dr
It's your vagina, you call the shots. Be firm, direct and honest. If that fails, get the nurses to do it for you.

This. The nurses will play the bad guy if you ask them to. I did, and felt zero shame.

JamieWM · June 2013

DH was the only one there during conception, he will be the only person with me for the birth. I have no problem expressing that it's a private intimate moment. Put your foot down! People are so pushy its obnoxious

Zulixx · June 2013

I just told them. Straight up. Just me and my husband. And I want a few hours after baby is born for just me and DH and the baby. After that my family is more then welcome to visit in small groups. I will probably allow our parents to come in shortly after birth to see their first grand child, but I will ask that no one stay long. It's a day for my husband and I to enjoy. There will hopefully be many many years for my family to see the child and take pictures and blah blah blah. They are more then welcome to be in the waiting room but no one comes in until DH and I decide its ok.

Maimes10 · June 2013

I am a "pleaser" by nature and avoid confrontation at all costs. THIS however, is one thing that i have ZERO problem telling anyone who asks that this is an experience that is promised only to myself and my husband. My sister knows that she is "on call" in case I need/want her but anyone else, you can come when we call you, period, end of sentance. I avoid hurting others feelings at ALL costs but in this instance, the only feelings i give 2 $h1#s about are mine and my husbands. Wording to use? "My husband and I have agreed we would like to enjoy this special experience solo and we appreciate your support."

Amjoy25 · June 2013

jane.says:
It is so bizarre to me that people even need to have this conversation. I am SO glad my family would never dream of being this nervy. NO ONE was in the room at any point except for my DH. I would advise you don't even tell people they're not invited, you just have your husband call when you're in labor and tell them he'll call when there's more news, or he'll come out in the waiting room to give them news or whatever. It would literally never cross my mind to think I had to specifically say that people were not invited into the actual room.

This. I find it very bizarre as well. And I would have no problem telling people they cannot be in there, and they would be cool with my wishes.

inthelost · June 2013

Bliss+Berry:
tl;dr
It's your vagina, you call the shots. Be firm, direct and honest. If that fails, get the nurses to do it for you.

yes. this.

CateOfChicago · June 2013

Tell them your doctor won't allow it.

katiebenes · June 2013

I don't get why people think they have the right to see that. people who normally wouldn't see your crotch should NOT assume they can see it at its "worst" (yeah, yeah its natural blah blah blah. it's getting stretched to hell and its not pretty)

My Mom and DH will be there. if anyone else asks I won't hesitate to make THEM feel uncomfortable (i.e. "why do you want to see my crotch")
But then again, my family wouldn't push like that

and if I didn't want my Mom looking, I wouldn't let her either. But, she has seen a few births and told me she doesn't want to see that on me lol

graciesmurf · June 2013

For me it was just DH during pushing. We were allowed to have rotating visitors during labor.

Maybe a compromise would be to allow people to visit during labor but not pushing. There may be a lot of time where you're just hanging out hooked up to the monitor. Nurses typically announce before they check you--send people out then.

rbtrumpet · June 2013

I didn't read all the responses.

I say it this way, as soon as ANYONE mentions the delivery room, I say "it will just be DH and I in there".

I even made sure I picked a hospital that will respect my wishes of not letting anyone in although I'm allowed up to 8 guests!! I plan in being very upfront about it so when my focus is elsewhere, everyone knows no guests allowed.

Fortunately I did talk to my mom about this, and it went something like this
Mom "do you want me in the delivery room with you?"
"No, I'd prefer just DH"
"OK, good, I didn't really want to be in there, but I'd do it if you wanted."
"Nope"
"OK. I'll come in once baby is out and cleaned up."

I love my mom.

Now waiting to see how this convo will go with the MIL :S

ShoBear86 · June 2013

I would be really uncomfortable with everyone staring at me while I'm giving birth! I don't mind them being there during everything leading up to it, but when I start pushing, it's everyone out! Except hubby, of course. I plan on just telling them when that part starts or having my husband tell them. It might bother some of them to be told they can't be there, but you're the one giving birth and it's a crazy enough time. You have every right to be as comfortable as possible while doing it.

Crinita · June 2013

Simple. Just tell them "sorry, but no!" I am just going to have me, the midwife (& help they have) and DH. That is it. Everyone else is invited to the birthing center if they want to come but no one is going to see me with my pants off pushing out a baby... just not going to happen. It is TOTALLY within your bounds to set that limitation.

MJHershey · June 2013

"This is between me and DH, thank you for your interest but our decision is final"

Give no other reasons or excuses and just repeat "our decision is final" and change subject or walk away.

CaityA83 · June 2013

I had this issue when we were ttc DS. MIL wanted to be there and at the time DH didn't understand why I would be selfish and keep this experience from them. I explained to him that when he wanted to drop his drawers in front of my parents then we would talk about his mom being there. Luckily by the time we for pregnant DH understood my desire for it to just be us in that special moment when we become a family. We made it known that we would be the only ones there and that we wanted the first hour after birth to spend just us together. It ended up working out bc DS was born at 6:20 am so we were the only ones there and everyone came by around 8 while they were heading to work. We haven't had the convo this time but I am hoping we will do the same thing. If they want to hang out in the waiting room that's fine I guess... Although I'd rather them just wait until we call them to say baby has arrived... But I'll pick my battles...

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Overpowering family is very tough! I agree that you just have to be straightforward and firm. I would also let DH tell them next time they bring it up that it's just going to be the two of you. GL!!

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