how do i know?

i have 2 DS - 1 is 2 and the other almost 5 months. 

i feel sad...

i feel like i should be so happy! i have everything i've EVER wanted. i'm a SAHM, i have a loving husband who is an amazing dad,  a beautiful home, an education and 2 healthy beautiful sons. 

why do i feel empty?

nothing is making me happy other than the smiles on my boys faces!

i feel judged all the time about how i raise my kids, although i don't feel like i'm doing anything extraordinary or strange.

i never feel confident in how i do things. i'm always waiting to hear the reaction from others or expect to hear i'm doing it wrong

i'm just wondering if this is PPD or something else

i've never felt like this before and i hate it. i've always been happy and now i just can't get happy. i don't really feel like going out although i take DS1 out to playdates anyway because i know it's best for him.  

i have a few close girlfriends although they're from highschool and i feel like we're drifting apart (i'm 30 now)

i'll also say that the girlfriends i have always seem to have it together, so it makes me feel like i'm failing sometimes...i also have the VERY busy boy and they all have nice quiet girls.

i'm afraid to admit being depressed or having ppd because i also feel like i've failed somehow...anyone else? i feel like if i admit i'm not happy or that i'm not feeling like i can keep up that i'm failing as a mother and a wife. i talked about it with my mom and dh but i'm afraid to talk to my girlfriends about it

thanks for listening and i'd love to hear some of your advice or stories