OAD Completely BY Choice?

TiffanyBerry · May 2013

Kind of the opposite of the previous poster, I'd love to hear from those who are OAD entirely by choice.

I've been lurking for a while (my husband leans towards OAD, I'm likely OK with that, but I'm still on the fence), and I know there are lots of "what are your reasons" and it seems like the majority are - at least partly - based on medical reasons. I *totally* respect that path, of course. But we are not (so far as we know, of course) in that situation. And it's hard to relate quite the same way.

So, I'm wondering about the decision process for those of you who are OAD entirely by choice. Not due to medical reasons, not do to impossible finances, not due to age. (To be fair, I turn 35 this year, so age isn't completely out of the discussion as a factor, but it's also not the same as being 45.) Would you tell me about your journey to being OAD (or probably OAD, if that's the case)?

I know that no one can answer the question for me, but I've been recently finding it very helpful to listen to people's stories about this subject, and I would love to hear yours.

chardonnay24 · May 2013

I am still on the fence as well, but definitely leaning toward OAD.

Basically, my kid exhausts me. He is high needs, lots of energy, has sensory issues and a speech delay. He has just about every behavior problem in the book and we are not making progress. I am just exhausted every day in every way trying to parent him so I cannot imagine adding another child on top of him.

The reason we haven't decided 100% is because things may change. Maybe he'll mellow out or start responding to the 3 day/week therapy or I will be able to cope or it will just easier when he is older. I have no idea. But for now, we're OAD.

MonkeySender · May 2013

We are OAD and it is totally by choice. I would be lying if I said money has nothing to do with it, but if we wanted another baby it would be possible financially. DH was OK with having a second if I really wanted to, but would rather be OAD.

I like knowing that if she's is involved in sports or other activities when she's older we will be able to both afford and attend them. We also travel pretty often and I think it is much easier with just one child. I have thought about it a lot, and our family just feels complete now. I like the life that we have and the things we are able to provide for our kiddo.

I also don't manage sleep deprivation too well. I don't feel like I can be a very good parent to a toddler if I am up all hours of the night taking care of a newborn.

ferris0906 · May 2013

There are quite a few of us on here who are completely by choice one and done, and I am one of them.

My pregnancy was easy as was delivery, but the first couple of months were difficult. I did not know what I was doing, and had a hard time dealing with raising a newborn. That said, he was not even particularly difficult (no extreme crying or reflux or breastfeeding problems). Nonetheless, I don't want to do any of it all over again, and I worry what would happen if I had a "difficult" baby.

I also love our situation now. It's easy to get a babysitter, it's easy to afford daycare, we can do most of the things we still want to do (both as a family and as adults), we can travel, etc.

I think that will only continue to be more true as DS gets older and wants to do more things that cost money and that take time. We also want to be able to pay for the best college/university DS gets into someday without him having to worry about the cost.

Tink112011 · May 2013

We are OAD completely by choice.

We are 27, so age is not a factor. No health issues here... I had an easy pregnancy and relatively easy delivery. I tore badly, but a 3 week recovery is pretty minor in the grand scheme of things.

The biggest factor for us is the quality of life that we want to lead. Right now, we are incredibly HAPPY. DS is fantastic, in a rambunctious toddler sort of way. We love him to pieces and are thankful that he is healthy and thriving. We can afford $1000/mo daycare bill and still have money leftover to be comfortable (not rich, but comfortable). I work full-time, but I still feel balanced and that I have enough time for DS, DH, and myself.

The adjustment after having DS was tough on our marriage, and I remember at one point telling DH "our marriage wouldn't survive another child." We are much better now and our marrige feels back to our pre-child days. I value my DH so much and keeping our relationship intact is more important than adding another child.

We have a "why rock the boat" mentality. We know that a second child would be tough financially and emotionally. Right now we feel that we can love life, rather than just survive day to day life.

Also, both DH and I were not close with our siblings growing up, so we don't feel the need to give DS a sibling.

Once in a while I'll think about having another child, but I know deep down that our family is perfect just with the 3 of us.

ferris0906 · May 2013

Tink112011:
We are OAD completely by choice.
We are 27, so age is not a factor. No health issues here... I had an easy pregnancy and relatively easy delivery. I tore badly, but a 3 week recovery is pretty minor in the grand scheme of things.
The biggest factor for us is the quality of life that we want to lead. Right now, we are incredibly HAPPY. DS is fantastic, in a rambunctious toddler sort of way. We love him to pieces and are thankful that he is healthy and thriving. We can afford $1000/mo daycare bill and still have money leftover to be comfortable (not rich, but comfortable). I work full-time, but I still feel balanced and that I have enough time for DS, DH, and myself.
The adjustment after having DS was tough on our marriage, and I remember at one point telling DH "our marriage wouldn't survive another child." We are much better now and our marrige feels back to our pre-child days. I value my DH so much and keeping our relationship intact is more important than adding another child.
We have a "why rock the boat" mentality. We know that a second child would be tough financially and emotionally. Right now we feel that we can love life, rather than just survive day to day life.
Also, both DH and I were not close with our siblings growing up, so we don't feel the need to give DS a sibling.
Once in a while I'll think about having another child, but I know deep down that our family is perfect just with the 3 of us.

Well said...this for me too. My relationship with my husband is equally important as my relationship with my child, and I'm not sure I could maintain this with another child.

eyenigh · May 2013

We're 100% OAD by choice. We just always knew that's what we wanted. My husband I are both 37 and we went our whole lives never wanting children at all. We definitely weren't child haters, it just wasn't something that we were interested in and neither one of us just felt like we needed our own children. We always said we didn't want any but if we ever changed our minds (and this was very unlikely) we only wanted one. My husband was always more on the either/or side of things, like he wasn't completely against children but, for me, it was no way, never.

When I turned 35, the biological clock that everyone said would start ticking for me kind of started ticking. I told my husband "Well, I think we gotta do this." I got pregnant immediately, had a miscarriage and got pregnant immediately again. My pregnancy was miserable-- I had hypermesis gravidum for nearly 7 months (if I threw up 10 times in a day, it was a decent day) and was hospitalized several times. In the end, my son came out perfect so it was worth all the misery but it definitely isn't something that I'd ever do again even if we weren't already firm on our feelings of only wanting one. I have never had baby fever, I don't care for little babies and I deeply disliked the newborn stage. I still don't hold other people's newborns-- I'm just not comfortable with them. I agree with the PP poster that our marriage also wouldn't survive a second child-- it was VERY hard on my husband for the first six months, especially. I literally have zero thoughts about a second child unless I'm just answering someone's question about NOT having a second.

Ultimately, I just LOVE my son. I couldn't imagine ever loving, or even wanting to love, another child when we're so happy with him. He's an easy, awesome kid and our family is absolutely complete. The added bonus is that we're better off financially and we can spend more one on one quality time. We can also do things that would be a bit more of a logistical and financial struggle if it were more than one.

salt78 · May 2013

I am OAD completely by choice. Financially it makes a lot more sense for us, but I can say with full certainty that even if we were millionaires we would still be OAD.

I actually never pictured myself as a mom at all. In my 20's I traveled and lived a bunch of different places. I was pretty self centered and never could have imagined taking care of someone else. I married my husband in my early 30's and at first we weren't 100% on having children, but then came to the mutual decision that we wanted one. It's the best decision I've ever made and being a mom is amazing BUT I am happy being a family of 3. I feel like life is really well balanced...I love spending time with DD and at the end of the day I still have time for myself. I know if I had another child I would be a frazzled mess.

Plus the mere thought of having to referee children fighting in my house gives me anxiety. No thanks.

LoriMM · May 2013

I'm new to this board. Just checked it out for the first time today and I'm so glad I did! I'm so glad I saw this thread. I totally get where a lot of you are coming from. My LO turns one tomorrow. I had a super easy pregnancy and delivery. My little boy has always been laid back and easy for the most part. I could have another but I would be scared that he or she would be super high maintenance.

My husband is definitely OAD. It was a huge decision for him to have our son. And it was a huge adjustment for him in the beginning. There were some pretty scary moments as far as our relationship goes during the first couple of months. But like other people have mentioned, I care about our relationship...not to imply others don't. I also like the lifestyle that we have. We are both teachers so money is sometimes tight, but I definitely want to be able to continue doing all the fun stuff.

I am an only child myself, and though as an adult I kind of wish I had siblings, I never really missed it as a child. I always liked that it was just the three of us!

I'm glad to see that others referenced their "selfish reasons." Sometimes I feel guilty for feeling selfish even when I know I shouldn't. I'm happy to see there are plenty of others who share my thoughts! Glad I found you guys!

anythingelseplease · May 2013

While I am not completely sure whether we are OAD yet, we are strongly leaning towards it. I can see how others may view it as being selfish- not wanting my life to change too much or not wanting to give up too much of my freedom. But, I like to look at it from the other perspective- I have so much I want to give to my daughter that having another child would diminish that. I want her to be able to travel, see the world, experience other cultures. With only one child we would be able to give her that. I want her to be able to take music classes, and science camp, and play sports- with one child these things will be easier. I want to be able to shower her with attention and love, and while others seem to know how to split their focus and attention between multiple children- this would be a challenge for me (especially with a newborn, I was barely functioning until she started sleeping through the night). I view having one child as something I would do for my daughter. If we had another child it would be something I did for me.

Chapter79 · May 2013

Me! I had preeclamspia and had bedrest for a month.. and while I list that as one of my reasons, it's not the main reason that deters me from another pregnancy at ALL. It's just on the short list. In other words, if I really wanted another child.. that reason wouldn't stop me in the least. So I'm by choice.

Basically, we just feel totally complete. I have ZERO (like, zero) desire to add to our family (which is good, my H was snipped). Things are so easy with her! Especially now that she's in school and older.

I'm just not cut out for two+ kids, and I can admit that with no issue. I would never have the patience. And frankly, despite what parents say of more kids.. *I* would never love someone as deeply as I do my only daughter.

Fianschneid · May 2013

We are OAD completely by choice and this will echo a lot of what others have already said.

When DH and I decided to have DD, we weren't sure if we would have just her or more. All along, we said we would see how we felt, not commit to an arbitrary number before we knew what parenting was like for us.

My pregnancy was easy. My labor, delivery and recovery were relatively easy. DD was an easy newborn. She slept through the night at four months. She weaned herself from the bottle. She naps consistently, is a good eater and is perfectly healthy. Part of me feels like I would never get this lucky again, especially when I see my friends go through serious complications with their pregnancies and LOs and as I reach my mid-thirties.

DH flat out doesn't have the energy. Despite everything above, DD is still a lot of (wonderful) work and he isn't interested in doing all of the newborn stuff again, especially while wrangling an older child. There are still hard days, but for the most part, as DD gets older, things get easier. We like that.

We live in an expensive city and we love our lifestyle. This city/lifestyle is a gift we want to give DD. We also want to pay for her college education. We couldn't afford to do those things with two and they aren't things we're willing to make DD sacrifice for an imaginary child that we don't have.

Finally, even when you break down all of the logical things above, our family just feels complete. There is nothing that is missing or that could be better by adding another. We are active, happy, comfortable and love our family just the way it is.

Sonadora · May 2013

Yep. I have no medical or financial reasons. Though it is nice to not have 2 daycare payments, which we could do but only if we gave up vacation, savings, drinking, etc.

I would honestly be an awful parent to more children. So more for my own sanity and well-being. I'm not sure I could survive another pregnancy or infancy with my mental health intact. We're almost 2.5 years in and I am just finally seeing some light at the end of the tunnel. Even now, with just one, it takes every ounce of self-control I have to not just walk away in disgust when my kid does typical two year old things. I just simply lack the maternal/parenting gene to calmly and collectedly repeat things such as "Stop whining and speak to me in your big girl voice." more than I already do in one day.

With two, I doubt I would get a break, ever since one of us would always have to be on with at least one child, and let's face it, since I am the one that runs the kiddo during the week, that would mostly fall on me, and I just can't do that to myself. Call it selfish, call it whatever, I think it's self-awareness to know my own limits.

Ms.Jade · May 2013

I can get pregnant again, we could swing it financially, and I'm not that old. I just don't feel like it. This are so much more comfortable without going through any of that again and I like it this way.

Ms.Jade · May 2013

Ms.Jade:
I can get pregnant again, we could swing it financially, and I'm not that old. I just don't feel like it. This are so much more comfortable without going through any of that again and I like it this way.

I should also add that I didn't have any PPD, and E started sleeping through the night at 8 weeks so newborn trauma wasn't an issue. And DH and I have been together for almost 17 years and it would take a lot more than a newborn to derail this train so marital strain also wasn't an issue.

So yes I have PCOS and it took me a bit to get pregnant with E, but we know what works now and my doctors think I'll be just fine getting pregnant again. We don't make a ton of money, but we're comfortable, own our home, make enough to save, and I'm up for a big promotion.

I know people often look for some huge external factor but in our case there just isn't one. Some people just decide to be done.

KL777 · May 2013

We're OAD by choice. We could financially have another child but our lifestyle would change (not that it's extravagant now!). I also had a typical pregnancy, L& D (thank the Lord). Raising a child is hard work and requires a lot of time. I spend a great deal of time and effort with DS and I know I wouldn't be able to spend that level of time with DC#2 now that I've been back to work for a little over 2 years. Another reason is that I don't have the patience for multiple children. I would not be a happy mommy :-)

I think multiple children would reduce the couple time that DH and I have (We go out on dates twice a month) AND cut out the little bit of "me" time that I have.

Also, speaking for myself, I would not want to put DC#2 in childcare/nanny care for the first 3 years and since I'm back to work, I would have to do that (not in the position to go back to being a SAHM again for a prospective DC #2).

Lastly, as many of the pp have said in different ways, I enjoy the freedom of having a family of three.

KL777 · May 2013

salt78:
I am OAD completely by choice. Financially it makes a lot more sense for us, but I can say with full certainty that even if we were millionaires we would still be OAD.
I actually never pictured myself as a mom at all. In my 20's I traveled and lived a bunch of different places. I was pretty self centered and never could have imagined taking care of someone else. I married my husband in my early 30's and at first we weren't 100% on having children, but then came to the mutual decision that we wanted one. It's the best decision I've ever made and being a mom is amazing BUT I am happy being a family of 3. I feel like life is really well balanced...I love spending time with DD and at the end of the day I still have time for myself. I know if I had another child I would be a frazzled mess.
Plus the mere thought of having to referee children fighting in my house gives me anxiety. No thanks.

This too!

blue33 · May 2013

My situation is a little mix. I do have medical issues that are "correctable with a preventative surgical procedure"; however, I just don't want to go through that. I had a difficult pregnancy, which I would do all over again to have DS. The major reason is that I feel that DS completes our family. We waited several years to start a family, and it was an adjustment to our lifestyle to have a baby and now toddler. I look forward to trips and opportunities that the three of us can share.

SoDoMojo · May 2013

I'm am done by choice. I'm super happy about it.

It took me a long while to figure out if I'd be okay with it. But then my reasoning came down to: will DS be happier with a sibling? The thought of 2 children makes me want to freak the eff out. So... eventually I decided DS would much prefer a sane mother than a sibling and a mom who went crazy.

Everyone is different. I've got a SIL that is like a child whisperer. She loves that crap outta kids and has the patience of a saint. I, personally, can not handle the stress, patience, time, anxiety and stress another child would add.

Parenting is really difficult. Like on a level I never even knew about. I constantly look back on how I was raised. I suffer greatly because money, time, affection, attention and over all parenting lacked. My parents sucked honestly. And they know it. I've told them. I'm angry about my childhood.

Sorry, that turned into more of a rant than I expected. But I feel I can only parent one child correctly. And I question my parenting every day because I fear he'll resent me just like I resent my parents.

hopefulmom81 · June 2013

I think it is really hard to separate out the other factors (age, health), but I am OAD by choice for the most part. I COULD have another baby, but we are choosing not to.

I would say the biggest reason is because DD is everything we wanted. We really feel our family is complete. When I picture the future, I see us sitting at a dinner table with an older girl...that is it. I don't have a desire for another child and I am 99% confident that I never will.

That is kind of why I think it is hard to separate the other factors. Maybe if I didn't suffer 2 losses, a rough 3rd tri, a traumatic L&D and PPA I would desire more? I don't know. If we had tons more money would I feel comfortable desiring another? I don't know.

All I know is we always discussed 1-2 children and feel very comfortable with our darling, sweet, loving DD that brings us so much joy.

Nechie122 · June 2013

To me, being OAD is a lifestyle choice. I love my job and I throw myself into it. Same thing with my DH. On the weekends, we like to go out to eat, go hiking, take road trips. It's easier with one, and I feel like my life is in equilibrium. I LOVE to travel, and I want to show my DD the whole world. I want to spoil her: private school, fully paid college, summer camp, everything. We live in a house in the suburbs now, but I also have fantasies about moving back to the big city, which we'd never be able to afford with more than one, what with real estate prices.

Also: She's enough. I don't feel like anyone is "missing."

... But even though I have no desire to have a second now, I still often hesitate to say I'm OAD. I just can't say how I'll feel five years from now. But I do know that DD is already 2, most of our friends have started thinking about the second, and I don't envy them at all and I'm just not there yet.

jessilynnwilliams · June 2013

We're 100% by choice. I'm 22 and my hubby is 28, age has nothing to do with our decision. He has a great paying job, and we have no debt so financially we're fine if we wanted another....but we don't.

I had a terrible, high risk pregnancy and don't have any desire to ever be pregnant again. Our daughter is already a wild child with more energy than I could dream of having....keeping up with her is plenty for me

And lastly, we feel complete with just her. She was what was missing in our family, we don't need anything else! We feel like we can give her more opportunities this way.

AnnaRedhead · June 2013

We are OAD by choice...I didn't like being pregnant. Was pretty miserable. I knew when I was pregnant that I wanted to be OAD. DH and I gave ourselves a year to make sure and then he got snipped when DS was 18 months.

Other reasons are that we love to travel and wanted to be able to afford to take our little family on some great vacations. We also want to be able to give DS the best life possible...camps, extracurricular activities, college tuition, a car one day...the list goes on. We are comfortable right now financially and I know that if we had another that we wouldn't be as comfortable or able to do as much.

I also have a sister that I have almost no relationship with sadly. We have never been close and my best friends have always been more like sisters to me. DH is an only child and loved it.

DS is also HIGH energy. It's seriously like having two kids already. He also didn't sleep for the first six months. No way in hell do I want to do that again!

There were lots of factors leading to our decision...we just gave ourselves ample amount of time to make a final decision. We are both very happy with our decision and have no regrets! Good luck! I know it is a very hard decision to make!

tashadee75 · June 2013

Our intent was to be a childless couple because frankly...we did not want the responsibility. We didn't get married knowing that was what we wanted, it's just that over time we got so used to "just us" that we decided that's actually how we liked it. We traveled wherever we wanted, we upped and moved out of state just because we wanted a change. We always went out and enjoyed ourselves without worrying about a babysitter. We just loved being an Aunt and Uncle to our nieces and nephews.

Well fast forward to our 16th year of marriage. I turned 35, my periods were irregular (always had been) and I thought my chances of pregnancy were next to nil. Well lo and behold I started eating healthier and exercising and lost about 40 pounds. My periods became regular, hence so did ovulation but I didn't realize that until after I found out I was pregnant at 36.

So our LO was not planned at all. My pregnancy was miserable and I was in labor for 24 hours. DON'T EVER WANT TO EXPERIENCE IT AGAIN. Tubes tied right after my C-Section. I was certain!

That being said, I believe our LO is a blessing and we love him so much. Regardless of our plans, we welcome him as a blessing from God that he was meant to be ours. Buuuut...this is it for us. We are good.

MrsCCParra · June 2013

I'm kind of in a different position than the already mommies here. I am pregnant with my first(and only) child. Even though I am only 17 weeks along, I know 100% that DH and I will be OAD by choice. He didn't want kids at all until about a year ago. We decided that one would be plenty for us. We like being able to do things together and know that having more than one limits that for multiple reasons: finding sitters, financial reasons, guilt for leaving LO behind, or limiting the things we can do that will or won't be child friendly. I feel blessed knowing that DH agreed to have the one and I'm perfectly OK with it. I feel I can give more to my child if there is only one(first car, any activities they want to participate in, pay for college, wedding, etc. etc) I also really value and respect my relationship with my DH and know that the first year is going to be a hard/wonderful adjustment for the both of us. I want to be able to spend time with DH and I feel that may be diminished by having more than one.

scrappingcat · June 2013

chiarellak:
While I am not completely sure whether we are OAD yet, we are strongly leaning towards it. I can see how others may view it as being selfish- not wanting my life to change too much or not wanting to give up too much of my freedom. But, I like to look at it from the other perspective- I have so much I want to give to my daughter that having another child would diminish that. I want her to be able to travel, see the world, experience other cultures. With only one child we would be able to give her that. I want her to be able to take music classes, and science camp, and play sports- with one child these things will be easier. I want to be able to shower her with attention and love, and while others seem to know how to split their focus and attention between multiple children- this would be a challenge for me (especially with a newborn, I was barely functioning until she started sleeping through the night). I view having one child as something I would do for my daughter. If we had another child it would be something I did for me.

The bolded part especially for me! There was definitely a huge rift in DH and my relationship and figuring out how DS fit into that and adding a second would be very stressful in that way. We love doing things as a family and other than one of us taking DS for special "mommy/daddy days" we spend the majority of our time at home together. We all go to the park, the store, ect.

Overall my pregnancy was fairly uneventful, daycare for 2 would be tight but doable, especially once DS is in school, ect. I am an only so know what that entails. I never felt "deprived" without a sibling. There's no real REASON we're OAD other than that our family feels complete!

Want a personalized experience?

OAD Completely BY Choice?

Re: OAD Completely BY Choice?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards