Does it go away?

kfourcat · May 2013

For those of you that have adopted after infertility, does the pain go away? I just got a baby shower invitation for my husband's much younger cousin. It's still just a kick to the stomach. It drives me nuts.

Dr.Loretta · May 2013

It still pops up from time to time, depending on the scenario and a lot of other factors. I was never in a babymaking competition with my relatives, but occasional announcements, etc. still sting

arbutusbride · May 2013

Our good friends are expecting their baby (they dealt with IF too) in October. It hurts to be around her and watching her baby belly grow. I try to think of the good things about not being pregnant but I still feel that I am missing out on something. The pain doesn't totally go away but it gets better over time.

sgb721 · May 2013

It hasn't for me. My best friend is expecting a little girl in August and while I'm thrilled over the moon for them, it hurts a little bit inside that I may never have the same experience that I so desperately want.

I do think that once we bring our child home, it will ease it a bit as the goal is to become parents, and that's what I need to focus on.

Best Wishes

Mrs.Slick · May 2013

Adoption/a child doesn't heal infertility. You'll always carry those wounds.

However, that doesn't mean you'll love any future children less for it. I'm sad I missed out on so much with my son, not wishing I could be pregnant with a biological child, if that makes any sense.

The pain lessens, doesn't appear everyday, but your baby will make it all worth it.

bennikki · May 2013

Siggy warning

I lurk on this forum because DH and I feel a calling to adopt, so I'm gathering as much info as I can while we save up. That being said, even being pregnant and having a child does not heal the wounds of IF. I still feel a stab when I get a shower invite or read someone's announcement on Facebook. I know so many wonderful people who are still struggling to achieve their families, and it was hard to truly celebrate our pregnancy because of the constant fear of losing it and the fear of making our friends hurt from being around them. IF will leave scars that nothing will take away.

sarahtoledo · May 2013

Mine is getting so, so much better. But there are scars, for sure. That's the best description.

kgs0505 · May 2013

Dr.Loretta:
It still pops up from time to time, depending on the scenario and a lot of other factors. I was never in a babymaking competition with my relatives, but occasional announcements, etc. still sting

This is where I am. I suspect that even though I also just had bio twins via a FET, I'll still have these feelings. IF is traumatic.

lafayettegirl · May 2013

I think everyone is a bit different, but for me, the wounds are healing. Every once in a while, I still feel pangs of hurt and frustration, but they are not nearly what they were. In fact, those feelings only come up very rarely now.

One of the nurses in the NICU who took care of DS had adopted 4 children after infertility. She said she felt like there was a mutual healing - parents whose hearts are made more whole with the addition of the child they'd been praying for, and the child who needs parents to love them and care for them the way their birth mother could not. I don't know if I totally buy into that, but I can see where she was coming from.

You will never forget the pain, but, much like the death of a loved one, it will subside. And your focus will change. Right now, the infertility has been a huge focus for you. Once you have that child in your arms, and your home, your focus will not be on what you don't have, but will be on what you DO have. And that will keep you very, very busy!

dcdarling · May 2013

Well we are still waiting. It still stings at times. This child may not be growing under my heart but he or she is definitely in it. Time and prayer has helped me heal from our losses.

I used not to go to baby showers but I was missing out in celebrating their growing families. I'm now planning my SIL's shower--she's having TWINS.

It will get better.

kfourcat · May 2013

I've actually never cared about being pregnant myself. Not sure why, but I never craved that part of the process. But I'm so tired of trying to start a family. I'm exhausted with the treatments, and then the adoption process, added on top of it all, we're in the age where everyone is getting pregnant.

I'm not sure I have the emotional energy to attend this particular shower. Last year all 3 of our sibling's had babies, as well as several cousins. I made a pact that I will only attend showers of immediate family and very close friends for my own sanity. I've co-hosted 4 showers in the last year and a half. It's a lot for someone dealing with all of this craziness. I think I just had to draw a line, I feel selfish, but I just can't do it.

plus12012 · June 2013

The 1st time I held our baby girl I stopped thinking about getting pregnant and knew I was holding the baby I was meant to have. So, now I don't have that sting in my heart when I find out friends or family are expecting just excitement for them.

erinmc1 · June 2013

I agree that it's different for everyone, but becoming a mom, and seeing how much our struggle and success in becoming parents inspired others, healed my heart completely. People wouldn't have prayed half as hard or been nearly as supportive of our journey to our son if it had been an easy one, and that made it so special for us, having that feeling of community support from the church, family, friends...different than a pregnancy, but special in its own right.

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