worth the free babysitter?

Mama3+1 · May 2013

Having a dilemma and I feel that you guys are the best at both easing my mind and advice with no holds barred. So. Here we go. In 2008 I had to reach out to an old friend to care for my two children, then 4 and 6. It was a temporary arrangement and not ideal but it was the best I could do at the time. Well it ended up being MUCH more complicated as the authorities were involved so guardianship had to be established with her so she could enroll them into school in her area etc. She had up to that point been a very good friend of mine and my family, but after that, she acted as if I was unfit. Lucky to visit with them etc. Mamas out there I'm sure you can see why this did not sit well with me. Situation resolved divorce finalized and time to get the kids back and this woman tried everything to maintain a relationship afterwards. I was not OK with her any longer obviously. Hope this wasn't too long and confusing and crazy but, the point is I am considering letting her back into our lives after all this time. We could use a babysitter with this new one on the way and she lives close by. Am I crazy? I feel like I may regret it but there are no alternatives as my MIL house is unfit. At least my old friend is clean, has a clean home, and is I hate to say it but better off to keep them than anyone else around.

happybride 276 · May 2013

I really do not mean to be rude, but you are either leaving some important information out or you are a very ungrateful friend and a user. Your friend took your kids when you couldn't have them and cared for them and once you got them back you cut ties with her? She clearly loves your children and it sounds very mean of you to remove her from your kid's lives, which sounds like the only stable part at some point in time. I know nothing about giving custody to someone else, but I would think it would have to be pretty serious for you to say that you can't fend for your children. I have to give you credit for not allowing them to suffer while you deal with whatever you were dealing with and admit you could not keep them. It doesn't matter how she treated you IMO, but how she treated your children and it sounds like she did a decent job because you trust her to be around them again. Now that you are having another kid it's convenient for her to be back in your life so you want her back to baby sit your kids? This is crazy. You should have never stopped her from seeing your kids. How do you think they felt about it? It sounds like if you have no better option so you will have to be friends with her to watch your kids, not that you miss her. I hope you can either fill me in on what I am missing or you need to sit down with yourself and really do some soul searching. What you did doesn't sound right and considering brining her back for your convenience sure as hell isn't right.

kdv77 · May 2013

You're considering letting her back in your lives.... You'll be lucky if she lets you back in her life!

happybride 276 · May 2013

The more I think about this the more p!ssed I get from this post. I really feel sorry for your kids and your "friend". I will refrain from saying everything that I feel because I don't know everything that is going on and what I say will not change the person that you are anyway. I really hope you can realize how ridiculous this post is. I also hope you decided to include your ex friend in your life so your children have a stable loving role model. I have no idea why you would want to exclude someone who genuinely loves your children from their lives. I just don't get it. Your kids aren't things. They need stability and as much love as humanly possible and you took away a person that was their mother figure when you couldn't be. And you are only bringing her back because it suits you. I am completely understanding of allowing your emotions to take over at times Lord knows I have had my share, but you turned your back in a woman who raised your kids for a period of time. This isn't an impulsive spur of the moment decision that you regret. You are making sound decisions to remove healthy loving for people from your children's lives. As a mother aren't we suppose to put our children's needs before our own? You clearly have not and are not doing so.

Mama3+1 · May 2013

Allow me to clarify: this friend used to be my step mother, and was MY stability when I had none. The situation that led to her taking guardianship was my now x husband came home one day and put me in intensive care with a horrible beating. The children were not there, there was no prior abuse in the home, and it was an alternative to them going to his family until I was better. She has no children of her own and in some attempt at getting mine she would tell them things like, I didn't come because I didn't care about them, etc. When really I was trying to heal so as not to scare them with my bruises, jaw wired shut etc. She has since apologized and said it was lack of knowing the situation. Untrue. but I see that as no excuse. As for my situation, she claimed things that were untrue and made a social worker get involved only for her to say I'm an excellent mother and this so called friend had unfounded claims..
.. hope this clears things up. That being said she's always had a place in my heart. I'm not using her for convenience. Its just I have no one else in this state but my new husbands family and their home is not fit. I'm torn between letting her back in and repairing our relationship. We haven't spoken regularly in two years. Or just dealing with the situation and hoping my MIL gets her act together before I have this baby as her home is not safe. That was a whole other post though.

Mama3+1 · May 2013

Oh and forgot to mention she was my step mom back in 1996.

lauriemel · May 2013

dhaueisen:
Your explanation still does not make her the bad guy. Considering the fact that you were married to a man who landed you in an ICU, as your children's guardian she had every right and responsibility to get a social worker involved, question your judgement, and make sure that your home was safe before sending innocent children back into your care. I am sure that was difficult for you to swallow but as a mother you must value your children's safety and respect her for protecting them. Whatever she may or may not have said inappropriately to your children you admit that she apologized for once she better understood the situation. Obviously you trust her if you are considering having her babysit your kids which tells me you cut her off because you were mad at her and now want her back because you have no one else and know you can take advantage of her love for your kids. Seriously??? The fact that you have cut off the one person who is trustworthy and have not a single other person in your life whom you think your kids would be safe with is further evidence of your poor judgement and decisions. You obviously care more about yourself than your children, she was wise to question your ability to provide a safe and healthy home.

Just so we're clear here . . . you're blaming the victim of domestic violence and calling her a "bad guy" for getting beat up by her husband? OP said there was no previous history of abuse with XH, and it sounds like she did the right thing by removing her children from the situation. I don't know the whole story, but if that happened to me and the guardian I left my children with tried to take them away from me for good. . . I'd probably cut ties too.

That said, OP, if it was bad enough to end your relationship, you probably shouldn't have her as your babysitter now.

Mgraber2010 · May 2013

Never heard of partial guardianship so they could go to school at her house. My kids go to a sitters and I have never had to do anything like that. Something must of happened for this to take action. But I think it's best for you not to go crawling back cause now you need her sounds like using someone! Best luck to ya but I would start interviewing other sitters in your area!

anotherlady2013 · May 2013

I'm not sure what to say about the situation with your friend slash stepmom. It sounds like the only reason you'd let her back in is to be a babysitter, and I don't think that's fair to you, her, or the kids. I know you mentioned that MIL's house isn't fit but is it possible for her to come to your house instead? I think that would be a much better option in this case. I'm sorry to hear of all the turmoil you and your family have gone through.

achadwick19 · May 2013

Well, I just want to say that I think you should try to find another babysitter. If you want to repair your relationship with her, then that should be a separate thing. It's not right to just make mends because you need a babysitter now. Good luck and I'm sorry to hear about your experience with your ex.

ravenclaw1 · May 2013

This whole story seems kind if fishy, honestly.

And it also sounds like you're just going back to her bc you don't have options and want cheap child care. I say find another baby sitter and call it a day.

I'm very sorry you had to deal with an abusive ex, that must have been terrible. But letting his mother back into your life is not the right answer. What makes you think you'll be safe and that she won't share your personal info with your ex? Don't you worry he would come after your kids?

ETA oops, not his mother. My bad. But my opinion doesn't change.

astrisize · May 2013

Mama3+1:
That being said she's always had a place in my heart. I'm not using her for convenience. Its just I have no one else in this state but my new husbands family and their home is not .

nope, that's pretty much the definition of using her for convenience. I just don't understand. Your story makes it sound like you cut ties because she tried to use your tragedy to turn your children against you and to take them from you. And now, a few years later, with a new baby on the way, you figure she'll make a god babysitter? There is just something that does not make sense! If she did that to you, how would you EVER allow her to watch your kids again?

Melissabride09 · May 2013

ravenclaw1:
This whole story seems kind if fishy, honestly. And it also sounds like you're just going back to her bc you don't have options and want cheap child care. I say find another baby sitter and call it a day. I'm very sorry you had to deal with an abusive ex, that must have been terrible. But letting his mother back into your life is not the right answer. What makes you think you'll be safe and that she won't share your personal info with your ex? Don't you worry he would come after your kids?

I think it's her ex step mom, not ex MIL.

SweetPeaK26 · May 2013

Sidestepping around the fishyness:

If you want her back in your life, let her for YOU, not to be your babysitter. If your MILs house isn't safe, have her babysit at your house, or find another alternative. Bringing ex stepmom back in to be your sitter is kinda selfish. If you weren't having a baby, it doesn't sound like she'd be back in your life.

Kristonita12 · May 2013

lauriemel:
dhaueisen:
Your explanation still does not make her the bad guy. Considering the fact that you were married to a man who landed you in an ICU, as your children's guardian she had every right and responsibility to get a social worker involved, question your judgement, and make sure that your home was safe before sending innocent children back into your care. I am sure that was difficult for you to swallow but as a mother you must value your children's safety and respect her for protecting them. Whatever she may or may not have said inappropriately to your children you admit that she apologized for once she better understood the situation. Obviously you trust her if you are considering having her babysit your kids which tells me you cut her off because you were mad at her and now want her back because you have no one else and know you can take advantage of her love for your kids. Seriously??? The fact that you have cut off the one person who is trustworthy and have not a single other person in your life whom you think your kids would be safe with is further evidence of your poor judgement and decisions. You obviously care more about yourself than your children, she was wise to question your ability to provide a safe and healthy home.
Just so we're clear here . . . you're blaming the victim of domestic violence and calling her a "bad guy" for getting beat up by her husband? OP said there was no previous history of abuse with XH, and it sounds like she did the right thing by removing her children from the situation. I don't know the whole story, but if that happened to me and the guardian I left my children with tried to take them away from me for good. . . I'd probably cut ties too.
That said, OP, if it was bad enough to end your relationship, you probably shouldn't have her as your babysitter now.

all of this. Are you seriously blaming her and making those statements sight unseen? I don't know you, but I'm making some pretty harsh judgements about YOU myself. And OP, I agree with the second poster above, if your judgement told you to cut ties before, don't take her back for lack of options now because history tends to repeat itself. I'm sorry for all you've gone through and I'm sure you'll get this all sorted out.

coraggiosa · May 2013

Mama3+1:
Allow me to clarify: this friend used to be my step mother, and was MY stability when I had none. The situation that led to her taking guardianship was my now x husband came home one day and put me in intensive care with a horrible beating. The children were not there, there was no prior abuse in the home, and it was an alternative to them going to his family until I was better. She has no children of her own and in some attempt at getting mine she would tell them things like, I didn't come because I didn't care about them, etc. When really I was trying to heal so as not to scare them with my bruises, jaw wired shut etc. She has since apologized and said it was lack of knowing the situation. Untrue. but I see that as no excuse. As for my situation, she claimed things that were untrue and made a social worker get involved only for her to say I'm an excellent mother and this so called friend had unfounded claims.. .. hope this clears things up. That being said she's always had a place in my heart. I'm not using her for convenience. Its just I have no one else in this state but my new husbands family and their home is not fit. I'm torn between letting her back in and repairing our relationship. We haven't spoken regularly in two years. Or just dealing with the situation and hoping my MIL gets her act together before I have this baby as her home is not safe. That was a whole other post though.

I, at first, agreed with other posters until this clarification post. To the person who is defending the stepmom's unjustifiable behavior to a victim of domestic violence, shame on you.

Considering the bolded, I would absolutely not use this woman as your babysitter. I would spend any amount of money to keep my children away from a woman who tried to take mine away from me in the past, personally. To be honest, it does sound like you want to use her out of convenience (free babysitter, only person you know), but she really doesn't sound like SHE is fit to take care of your kids, considering the past.

Good luck.

ravenclaw1 · May 2013

I have another bit of input.

Just your subject line annoys me. You're at the point where you're even thinking about potentially sacrificing your relationship with your kids and their safety just for babysitting? That's kind of selfish and sh1ty to them.

StephanieLove10 · May 2013

Girl, there are some JUDGEMENTAL A-HOLES up in HERE! ANYWAY, good on you for extracting yourself from a bad situation and doing what needed to be done to keep yourself and your children safe.

As far as this situation, no, do NOT allow this woman to continue to babysit. Visit? Sure. Babysit? No. It sounds to me like she's blaming you for what happened and would be the type to call the authorities every time one of your kids showed up with a scraped knee. And who needs that after what you've been through? Everything that's "free" isn't really free, you know? Find a new sitter and keep it moving.

Mama3+1 · May 2013

Thank you to all who responded. Had to laugh at the ones that said something was fishy. Nothing fishy. Not sure exactly what could be. And the poster that said I had poor judgement that's why I had no other sitters, my family is in Hawaii which is where I'd lived up until my oldest was two. I am still 12 weeks from delivery, which is when I would need her to keep them. And after a week of talking to my husband and family about it I was still unsure. My family knows her, obviously. So our judgement is all tainted. I wanted a strangers view that would side with neither of us. To the posters that said I should NOT have her babysit I do believe you are right. It was unforgivable that she used my albeit unexpected and unusual situation, it was still out of my control and I dis nothing to deserve or provoke my ex. She did not know my children that well at the time but as we were in this state it was her or sending them to Hawaii alone as unaccompanied minors. At four and six. No. I thought it would be OK. I was wrong. But I'd also be wrong if I thought after all these years her desire to have kids wouldn't cause her to stir up trouble and drama. Thank you everyone for your opinions.

starinyte · May 2013

ravenclaw1:
I have another bit of input. Just your subject line annoys me. You're at the point where you're even thinking about potentially sacrificing your relationship with your kids and their safety just for babysitting? That's kind of selfish and sh1ty to them.

Exactly this. I'm going to summarize the situation as I you have presented it so far.

You were in a very bad situation and chose to remove your children for their safety. (GOOD!)

Then the person watching your children lied to them and tried to take them away from you, saying you were an unfit mother. Obviously, you got your kids the h3ll out of her house. (GOOD!)

Now that you are pregnant again a few years later you are considering bringing her back into your life for the SOLE PURPOSE of being a "free babysitter." (WTH?!?!)

To answer you question the question in your OP, YES I think you are crazy and to summarize, I also think it's a pretty irresponsible and selfish thing to even consider. You'd basically be using her love for you kids against her and putting your older children in a pretty crappy situation. I just can't even understand the logic on this one.

Pay for a responsible babysitter! Clearly that is the most responsible option here.

waterfall11 · May 2013

Previous friend situation aside, if mil house is unfit why doesn't she just watch the kids at your house? Seems like the obvious solution.

xxpairofmedicsxx · May 2013

StephanieLove10:
Girl, there are some JUDGEMENTAL AHOLES up in HERE!nbsp; ANYWAY, good on you for extracting yourself from a bad situation and doing what needed to be done to keep yourself and your children safe.nbsp; As far as this situation, no, do NOT allow this woman to continue to babysit.nbsp; Visit? Sure.nbsp; Babysit?nbsp; No.nbsp; It sounds to me like she's blaming you for what happened and would be the type to call the authorities every time one of your kids showed up with a scraped knee.nbsp; And who needs that after what you've been through?nbsp; Everything that's "free" isn't really free, you know?nbsp; Find a new sitter and keep it moving.

This. All of it.

PrettyInPearls23 · May 2013

Nope, we're not getting the whole story. I'm convinced of it.

JocelynB0911 · May 2013

PrettyInPearls23:
Nope, we're not getting the whole story. I'm convinced of it.

This. Op, you're telling me your il's can't come stay at your house, you have no friends that could potentially work together to care for your kids until you got home from the hospital?

IMHO, it really sounds like you are using this woman. I'm sorry that your ex husband beat you unprovoked, this is terrible but I would call cps to make sure the house was safe before sending the kids back. I've seen it too many times where a woman is beaten, says she'll leave, but then stays with her abuser. I'm not agreeing with you step mom or ex step mom for telling
your kids the things she did but if you sent your kids to me to ensure they were safe, I'd have someone with authority ensure that before sending them back to you . He put you in the icu unprovoked, who was to say he couldn't have snapped and hurt the kids?

It's kind of selfish of you to bring this woman back into your lives for free care and only free care. If you wanted a relationship with her you don't need to go about it by basically saying "hey,want to be a part of my life again? Here watch my kids for free"

Mama3+1 · May 2013

That's the whole story. Married hubby comes home after date night and beats me to hell. Cops/ ambulance. Next morning I call this friend and explain what happened, more or less. Ask her if she will take them until I get the proper paperwork protection and husband is in jail. She picks them up from babysitter and drives to her town which is two hours away. I had my lawyer draft an order for temporary physical custody so she could enroll them into the school in her town. I heal up in hospital. A week and a half later I am released and set up housing in her town as well to be close with her and them but refrain from physically seeing them as I don't look like their mom anymore. My face looks like a monster. Bruised etc. My jaw is wired. A month goes by I slowly start getting it back together. Get a job. Set up daycare, etc. Go to court and rescind order for temporary custody. She never had the right to lie and say the kids had bruises when she got them. Which had magically disappeared by the time she said anything. I was a prior drug user? They make me take hair follicle test. Nada. I've never done drugs. Sound like fun?

starinyte · May 2013

Mama3+1:
She never had the right to lie and say the kids had bruises when she got them. Which had magically disappeared by the time she said anything. I was a prior drug user? They make me take hair follicle test. Nada. I've never done drugs. Sound like fun?

I gotta say, she sounds nutso. You are making the right decision keeping her away from your kids. That situation is just scary, and I'm sorry you had to deal with it.

JocelynB0911 · May 2013

Mama31:
That's the whole story. Married hubby comes home after date night and beats me to hell. Cops/ ambulance. Next morning I call this friend and explain what happened, more or less. Ask her if she will take them until I get the proper paperwork protection and husband is in jail. She picks them up from babysitter and drives to her town which is two hours away. I had my lawyer draft an order for temporary physical custody so she could enroll them into the school in her town. I heal up in hospital. A week and a half later I am released and set up housing in her town as well to be close with her and them but refrain from physically seeing them as I don't look like their mom anymore. My face looks like a monster. Bruised etc. My jaw is wired. A month goes by I slowly start getting it back together. Get a job. Set up daycare, etc. Go to court and rescind order for temporary custody. She never had the right to lie and say the kids had bruises when she got them. Which had magically disappeared by the time she said anything. I was a prior drug user? They make me take hair follicle test. Nada. I've never done drugs. Sound like fun?

Sooo given all that you stated above, you are still thinking of bringing her around again?

Again, why cant your mil or other il's come stay at your house instead?

PrettyInPearls23 · May 2013

JocelynB0911:
Mama31:
That's the whole story. Married hubby comes home after date night and beats me to hell. Cops/ ambulance. Next morning I call this friend and explain what happened, more or less. Ask her if she will take them until I get the proper paperwork protection and husband is in jail. She picks them up from babysitter and drives to her town which is two hours away. I had my lawyer draft an order for temporary physical custody so she could enroll them into the school in her town. I heal up in hospital. A week and a half later I am released and set up housing in her town as well to be close with her and them but refrain from physically seeing them as I don't look like their mom anymore. My face looks like a monster. Bruised etc. My jaw is wired. A month goes by I slowly start getting it back together. Get a job. Set up daycare, etc. Go to court and rescind order for temporary custody. She never had the right to lie and say the kids had bruises when she got them. Which had magically disappeared by the time she said anything. I was a prior drug user? They make me take hair follicle test. Nada. I've never done drugs. Sound like fun?
Sooo given all that you stated above, you are still thinking of bringing her around again? Again, why cant your mil or other il's come stay at your house instead?

I'm with Jocelyn on this one. If what you say IS true, then you're displaying really really poor judgment for even considering bringing this woman around your children again for the sole purpose of being a free baby-sitter. Did you even think about how it would affect them having this woman in their lives again after everything that happened?

StephanieLove10 · May 2013

JFC, I hope to GOD none of you are ever in an abusive relationship.

OP, don't feel the need to explain your actions then OR now!

I can see you wanting to let bygones be bygones, and maybe somewhere in the back of your mind, there is a desire to prove to this lady that you really are a good mother. But listen, when it comes to situations like this, the people who need proof WILL NEVER BELIEVE YOU ANYWAY. (Sort of like the people in this thread who think you're hiding something or and are demanding more and more details.)

Girl, you've come a long way. Leave her where the rest of this situation is: in the past.

God bless.

MallardDucky · May 2013

StephanieLove10:
JFC, I hope to GOD none of you are ever in an abusive relationship.
OP, don't feel the need to explain your actions then OR now!
I can see you wanting to let bygones be bygones, and maybe somewhere in the back of your mind, there is a desire to prove to this lady that you really are a good mother. But listen, when it comes to situations like this, the people who need proof WILL NEVER BELIEVE YOU ANYWAY. (Sort of like the people in this thread who think you're hiding something or and are demanding more and more details.)
Girl, you've come a long way. Leave her where the rest of this situation is: in the past.
God bless.

It is not the fact that she was abused, it is the fact that she wants to let this women, who tried to say her kids were mistreated back into her life just to have a free babysitter. That is what is getting folks riled up, and with good reason.

OP if you need a sitter do what most of us do. HIRE one, interview, and have one on standby when you go into labor. Why do you want someone back into your life that supposedly caused so much drama and issues?

JocelynB0911 · May 2013

StephanieLove10:
JFC, I hope to GOD none of you are ever in an abusive relationship.nbsp; OP, don't feel the need to explain your actions then OR now!nbsp; I can see you wanting to let bygones be bygones, and maybe somewhere in the back of your mind, there is a desire to prove to this ladynbsp;that you really are a good mother.nbsp; But listen, when it comes to situations like this, the people who need proof WILL NEVER BELIEVE YOU ANYWAY.nbsp; Sort of like the people in this thread who think you're hiding something or and are demanding more and more details.Girl, you've come a long way.nbsp; Leave her where the rest of this situation is:nbsp; in the past.God bless.

Had the op said what she did later in the thread to begin with there wouldn't be so many questions as to what really went on. You can't just say "hey there were some issues and the kids went away" my initial thought was not that she was being abused but that she had some mental or drug abuse going on with her that would cause her to lose the kids and she wanted them with someone she knew. No offense op. but if you want honest, unbiased opinions you should be more forthcoming. I am very sorry that you went though that situation but I also stand by what I said previously.

PrettyInPearls23 · May 2013

MallardDucky:
StephanieLove10:
JFC, I hope to GOD none of you are ever in an abusive relationship.
OP, don't feel the need to explain your actions then OR now!
I can see you wanting to let bygones be bygones, and maybe somewhere in the back of your mind, there is a desire to prove to this lady that you really are a good mother. But listen, when it comes to situations like this, the people who need proof WILL NEVER BELIEVE YOU ANYWAY. (Sort of like the people in this thread who think you're hiding something or and are demanding more and more details.)
Girl, you've come a long way. Leave her where the rest of this situation is: in the past.
God bless.
It is not the fact that she was abused, it is the fact that she wants to let this women, who tried to say her kids were mistreated back into her life just to have a free babysitter. That is what is getting folks riled up, and with good reason.
OP if you need a sitter do what most of us do. HIRE one, interview, and have one on standby when you go into labor. Why do you want someone back into your life that supposedly caused so much drama and issues?

Exactly what Mallard said. Nobody is minimizing the fact she went through a living hell. Our concern is with the fact she's even entertaining the idea of letting a woman back into her children's lives who she claims lied about her and tried to keep her kids from her...simply for a free baby-sitter. I can't even wrap my head around the fact someone would have such poor judgment when it comes to the care of their children.

Mama3+1 · May 2013

It wasn't that I wasn't being forthcoming. Its a delicate thing to talk about and I wasn't sure how much I'd have to say for the situation to be clear. In answer to other questions, my MIL. Thinks its unnecessary to stay at our home although I've spoken to her on many different occasions about the fact that I will not be changing my mind. It goes nowhere. Secondly to EVERYONE who is saying it shows poor judgement to consider this friend as a potential person to have around my children, I understand where you'd get this. This is how I feel. But. I also love her like a mom, and its been hard not having her around. Despite what happened we do talk on occasion just not regularly. And I see her mother often as she is like my grandmother and ailing with age. I've had another child since then who she has never met. Its not that I need a babysitter so desperately, it was sort of a window to use as a way to mend fences. And yes a free babysitter. But not exclusively. My kids are 11 and 9. My DD is 2 but wouldn't be around her. They're not quite susceptible to manipulation.

Habs2Hart · May 2013

OP - I would make amends and open back up the relationship with her if you'd like to, but keep your children out of it for now. Maybe after you are close and can trust her again, then allow her to visit with them and you as a family.

I would hire a baby sitter to watch the kids when you need someone. Yes, free is nice, but make sure all the emotional drama and manipulation is well behind before bringing your kids back into the equation.

shellyco · May 2013

anastasiacarmen:
lauriemel:

dhaueisen:
Your explanation still does not make her the bad guy. Considering the fact that you were married to a man who landed you in an ICU, as your children's guardian she had every right and responsibility to get a social worker involved, question your judgement, and make sure that your home was safe before sending innocent children back into your care. I am sure that was difficult for you to swallow but as a mother you must value your children's safety and respect her for protecting them. Whatever she may or may not have said inappropriately to your children you admit that she apologized for once she better understood the situation. Obviously you trust her if you are considering having her babysit your kids which tells me you cut her off because you were mad at her and now want her back because you have no one else and know you can take advantage of her love for your kids. Seriously??? The fact that you have cut off the one person who is trustworthy and have not a single other person in your life whom you think your kids would be safe with is further evidence of your poor judgement and decisions. You obviously care more about yourself than your children, she was wise to question your ability to provide a safe and healthy home.

Just so we're clear here . . . you're blaming the victim of domestic violence and calling her a "bad guy" for getting beat up by her husband? OP said there was no previous history of abuse with XH, and it sounds like she did the right thing by removing her children from the situation. I don't know the whole story, but if that happened to me and the guardian I left my children with tried to take them away from me for good. . . I'd probably cut ties too.

That said, OP, if it was bad enough to end your relationship, you probably shouldn't have her as your babysitter now.

The bolded...How rude!

I also agree with everything that lauriemel said. If the situation got that bad, and I'm sure there are a lot more details to it, I would probably not have her in my life. You did the right thing for your children.

Personally, I have never lived near family nor have I ever had a babysitter for my son. He is 19 months old now and DH and I have never left the house without him. Sure, I'd love someone to watch him while I go to the doctor, DH and I could go on a date, and things like that but that is just not the situation that I am in. Maybe try to find a daycare that provides hourly care?

I think you both are reading into things a bit here. PP never said it was OPs fault for the abuse by her husband. She just said that the friend had a right to question her judgment because TYPICALLY abuse doesn't just happen overnight like that. I would totally question the parenting of a friend of mine if she had been married to a man who nearly beat her to death because chances are this wasn't a one time thing and more than likely the children were exposed to previous violence prior to this incidence. Regardless of whether this actually happened in OPs situation (sounds like it didn't), as an adult who cares about those kids I would damn well make sure that those kids were returning to a stable home. That's all PP was saying.

The rest of the BS that the stepmom did... well, I have no explanation for that. OP, if you want stepmom back in your life, invite her to lunch just the two of you to clear the air. Take baby steps. If you just want a babysitter, stay away.

StephanieLove10 · May 2013

I think anyone can read between the lines and see this is not about having a free babysitter, but about whether she wants this woman back in her life or not. So, she made that the title of the post. Big deal. It got you guys to freaking click and respond! Just admit you judged too quickly and too harshly. Geesh!

DonnaMartinGraduates · May 2013

This would be a good example of when NOT to ask internet strangers for advice about your personal life- and if you're not ready to give all of the details up front, then expect to be questioned.

My opinion (doesn't matter anyway, you're going to do what you want to do)- Yes, from the title of this post it sounds like the only reason you want this woman back in your life is for free babysitting (free babysitting = your words). Do I think it's a good idea? No, I wouldn't want her around my kids now but I probably wouldn't have let her keep them so long in the first place- no matter what I looked like. It may have not escalated to where it did if she hadn't been raising them as her own children for that length of time.

awright1983 · May 2013

Mama3+1:
That's the whole story. Married hubby comes home after date night and beats me to hell. Cops/ ambulance. Next morning I call this friend and explain what happened, more or less. Ask her if she will take them until I get the proper paperwork protection and husband is in jail. She picks them up from babysitter and drives to her town which is two hours away. I had my lawyer draft an order for temporary physical custody so she could enroll them into the school in her town. I heal up in hospital. A week and a half later I am released and set up housing in her town as well to be close with her and them but refrain from physically seeing them as I don't look like their mom anymore. My face looks like a monster. Bruised etc. My jaw is wired. A month goes by I slowly start getting it back together. Get a job. Set up daycare, etc. Go to court and rescind order for temporary custody. She never had the right to lie and say the kids had bruises when she got them. Which had magically disappeared by the time she said anything. I was a prior drug user? They make me take hair follicle test. Nada. I've never done drugs. Sound like fun?

If all this is true then why in the heck would you even consider for a second leaving her alone with your children? How could the thought even cross your mind?

missmuffin87 · May 2013

You need to find yourself a new babysitter. When you get pg you have to be prepared to provide for your baby, and that includes paying for childcare if you need it. You can't be relying on family members for free babysitting. Start interviewing babysitters or looking at daycares, or whatever you need to do.

You certainly have other options besides your step-mom who you've burned bridges with and your MIL who doesn't want to come to your house (and let's be honest, if you are asking for free childcare, you don't really have a leg to stand on in the argument that she must come to your house).

If you want to start rebuilding a relationship with your step-mom then call her up, invite her to lunch just the two of you, but seriously WTF do not ask her to babysit your kids.

StephanieLove10 · May 2013

missmuffin87:
You need to find yourself a new babysitter. When you get pg you have to be prepared to provide for your baby, and that includes paying for childcare if you need it. You can't be relying on family members for free babysitting. Start interviewing babysitters or looking at daycares, or whatever you need to do.
You certainly have other options besides your step-mom who you've burned bridges with and your MIL who doesn't want to come to your house (and let's be honest, if you are asking for free childcare, you don't really have a leg to stand on in the argument that she must come to your house).
If you want to start rebuilding a relationship with your step-mom then call her up, invite her to lunch just the two of you, but seriously WTF do not ask her to babysit your kids.

"...who you've burned bridges with". Eyeroll.

JocelynB0911 · May 2013

Stephanielove do you have anything to contribute other that trying to stir the pot here? We were asking for more information so we could better understand the situation and hopefully give her better advice.

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