Delivery Room Drama

FutureBabyLMom · May 2013

I don't think I have seen a post like this on the board yet so please forgive me if it has. I am a FTM and would only like to have H and my mom in the delivery room (while I'm pushing) but my H wants his mom in there as well. He says that if I get to have my mom he should be able to have his mom. I have told him when he pushes a kid out of his penis he can choose who he wants in the room. I have also told him that if you have not seen my vjay vjay then you don't need to see it (other than medical staff). I knew this wss going to be a touchy subject and I tried to avoid it as long as possible so far we have had 3 conversations aboout it and he ends up mad everytime. I don't want to get to the hospital and he is mad when I tell the hospital staff it will be just H and my mom. I get along fine with MIL I just feel like she does not need to be in there. She has a daughter that she has seen give birth twice. I am my moms only daughter and I ones she wants to be there with me. Am I being unfair not letting MIL delivery room? H said I was bei ng selfish and ma king this all about me and not about the child. Note I don't care who is on the while I'm laboring.

lrichmond86 · May 2013

I can see both sides. On one hand I believe that it's your goodies on display... you should decide who sees them. On the other hand, if your mom gets to see her grandchild being born I can understand why your husband would want his mom to have the same opportunity. Could the moms just stay up by your head where they won't see any of the action but still be there for the birth? It's a tough one, but I think ultimately it's up to you.

kmc217 · May 2013

I think this is a somewhat common argument though my DH knows better. I don't even want my mom in the delivery room but I would NEVER want his and he knows that. IMO, L&D is about the mom, not the baby yet....MIL will have plenty of time to see the baby once LO is born. Your comfort and lack of stress is way more important than your DH's sense of what is fair. If you are stressed, your delivery is going to be more difficult because of it. Maybe you can ask your OB to tell your DH that there is a "rule" about having no more than 2 family members in the delivery room to take the pressure off you?

ceechie · May 2013

I do not think you are selfish at all! Your MIL can come in right after but why does she need to see the birth? I think you get to choose. You're the one in pain and doing all the work. Maybe tell him your mom wants to come to his next colonoscopy...
Giving birth is all about having your support people with you. Not a one up. Maybe she can be in there while you labor but not when the pushing starts?

Abeille · May 2013

You should only have who you're comfortable with in the room. You're husband's reaction is selfish. His only job at delivery is to support you.

MrserinJ · May 2013

This is crazy. I have had 2 kids and no way in heck I'd want my mother in law in there !

You're the one who's going to be at her worst, enduring all sorts of indignities, pain, etc. he's not giving birth and has no idea how it would feel to do so in front of people you're not entirely comfortable with. There's lots of people I "get along fine with" but that doesn't mean I want them in my delivery room seeing me that vulnerable. Your DH should understand this and you shouldn't even have to explain it.

Speaking from personal experience: stay firm on this if you're not entirely comfortable havin your MIL in there. I had my SIL last time and I hated it. It was a huge regret and I felt totally annoyed, self conscious an inhibited with her there. Do what makes YOU feel comfortable. End of story.

1NAM · May 2013

That's a difficult one. I can see both sides. I let my mother, MIL and DH in and I wish it would have only been me and my DH. My first DD wasn't breathing when she came out and my mom was trying not to make me upset by acting all happy while I'm looking at his mother cry and I could totally tell on his face something was wrong plus 10 plus Dr.'s and nurses in there trying to take care of us.

I don't want to say your wrong for not wanting his mother in there but I can understand how he would be upset about it. IMO I think its just better to have your DH because you never know whats going to happen or how people will react to it.

christi7109 · May 2013

Your DH needs to get a reality check...as pp have stated its your body and you are doing all the work...love the colonoscopy comment: GL

MrsMcC.10409 · May 2013

You H is the one being selfish and domineering. Childbirth isn't like a wedding - which is about both parties equally. Childbirth is about producing an environment that is most condusive to the least amount of stress on mother and child during a tremendously difficult process, both physically and emotionally. While parenting is a 50/50 process, DH takes a distant third in this particular life event. You need no justification to want what you want, and DH should be blindly supporting you in anything you desire.

As a compromise, maybe you could offer him one hour of time after the birth that is just for him and his mother/parents. MIL doesn't need to actually see the gross and gory moments to bond with her grandchild.

Best of luck to you!

Liz4444 · May 2013

lrichmond86:
I can see both sides. On one hand I believe that it's your goodies on display... you should decide who sees them. On the other hand, if your mom gets to see her grandchild being born I can understand why your husband would want his mom to have the same opportunity. Could the moms just stay up by your head where they won't see any of the action but still be there for the birth? It's a tough one, but I think ultimately it's up to you.

I'm mobile so I can't see tickers... Do you have kids? There really is no "by your head". Everyone in the room sees everything. When I was pregnant with li I said I didn't want DH seeing anything, I wanted him up by my head... Didn't happen.

OP, this is one place where you stand your ground, this is not about the baby, this is about you.

mittensonkittens · May 2013

I don't think labor and delivery is the time to worry about being fair. It's not a spectator sport, your support team is there to help you, not see the show.

miss2697 · May 2013

As much as I have thought about having my mom in the room, I have now decided against it. I want it to be a special moment for dh and I. Also, think about the possibility of a csection. I believe they only allow one person in the OR. Would you choose your mom over dh? If the answer is yes then I would definitely fight for her to be there. If not, I'd let it go and just have dh. I know it's not anything personal towards your MIL, but put yourself in her shoes.

redrocksmama · May 2013

I'm with you on not wanting your MIL in the delivery room. I absolutely do not want to deal with my MIL in the middle of labor, especially if she wants to take a peek at LO coming out. And I think it should ultimately be up to you to decide who you want there and who you don't. HOWEVER, I do feel like if your mom is in there, it's only fair to offer to MIL too, especially if it is important to your H. Who knows, maybe she'll say no?? If you don't want your MIL there, I'd keep it to just you and your H, but ultimately I do think you should get to decide.

luvmyducks · May 2013

While you are in labor it is so much about you when it comes to who is in the delivery room or not. Put your foot down and he can pout all he wants. Whoever is in that room should be there bc you want them there. The end.

ETA: Also, if you don't want someone in the room while you are pushing, I wouldn't allow them in there during active labor either. If you are just chilling there and hanging out, maybe, but once you get into the thick of things, you might not make an issue of people being in the room. I know 2 women who said no one in while pushing (besides their DHs) and once it got down to it, they were so out of it from concentrating on their contractions that they didn't tell everyone to leave. They regretted it later and one of them was even upset with the people that stayed in the room bc she specifically told them beforehand that she did not want anyone there while pushing.

kathleen02 · May 2013

In the end it's your say. You are the one going through labour and delivery. Heck, I think a woman has the right to say her husband or spouse isn't allowed in if she doesn't want him there. As a mom to a boy and soon to be son #2 I may be the one shut out of my grandchild's birth but I understand that it's up to the person pushing out the kid. The last couple decades has really brought this issue to the forefront. I don't think our mother's had to have discussions about who was invited and who wasn't. It's not a party IMO...though some feel the more the merrier. Not me...and no way in hell would I have my MIL there.

SplashingFishy · May 2013

First, do you want your mom there because YOU want her there - you think she'll be supportive and will listen to you if you need something? Or do you want your mom there because you know she'd like to be there?

If it's just because your mom wants to be there than I would just have DH in your room. If it's because you truly feel she will give you the support and be someone who is an asset during a delivery then invite your mom as well.

As for your MIL, I really disagree with PP who says it's only fair to have MIL there if mom is there.

Personally, no one will be there but DH and a doula for us. I need to feel as comfortable as possible, and I'm just not going to feel that way if I have to worry about a) maintaining composure/language in front of others or b) if I have worry about if people are affected by me showing any sign of pain.

CarlaAndJames · May 2013

Im usually very pro letting grandparents have access to babies, but no way in delivery room. No way did I want MIL in there when I was in stirrups pushing. Luckily my hospital had a 2 person limit, so it was a nonissue. MIL did still come in a bunch while I was just laboring, but they asked her to leave when pushing started. Maybe you could do that as a compromise?

giraffeluvspi · May 2013

Another vote for the it is your choice campaign.

kdawn2011 · May 2013

Absolutely not. This is the area where you make no compromises. It's your body and your labor. It is extremely wrong for someone to guilt you into letting someone else see you naked and vulnerable. Pretty sure your DH wouldn't want to get naked in front of your mom. I told both my mom and MIL no one but me and DH will be in there. They were disappointed for about 10 seconds and then got over it, your DH should do the same.

new2011mommy · May 2013

I do not think you are being selfish. I only want my DH in the room, but I definately would not want my MIL. I have a great relationship with her, but I do not want her seeing me on display like that. I think he needs to understand that you are going through labor, you will be in pain, and you will push a child out. I would tell him if she wants to wait during your labor, that she can come in once you are stitched up and covered. Last time our family waited until I was in my post partum room before they came, which was about 3 hours after the baby was born. I plan to ask them to do the same this time.

themargo · May 2013

I think it's your choice. It's your medical procedure. I wouldn't want anyone in there that made me feel even a little uncomfortable.

How about she waits outside and comes in when the baby is out and you're all taken care of?

Richeson · May 2013

My hospital where I am to deliver will only allow 2 other people in the room while I deliver. I would check your hospital and see if they have similar rules.

SplashingFishy · May 2013

Mamasighs:
Fair is not equal and equal is not fair. The expectant mother's comfort outweighs her husband's desire to have his mother there.

Totally this. Has he given up alcohol and food that you've had to give up during the pregnancy? Has he had the aches and pains? Would he be willing to go through your birthing process naked in front of YOUR mom?

lrichmond86 · May 2013

Liz4444:
lrichmond86:
I can see both sides. On one hand I believe that it's your goodies on display... you should decide who sees them. On the other hand, if your mom gets to see her grandchild being born I can understand why your husband would want his mom to have the same opportunity. Could the moms just stay up by your head where they won't see any of the action but still be there for the birth? It's a tough one, but I think ultimately it's up to you.

I'm mobile so I can't see tickers... Do you have kids? There really is no "by your head". Everyone in the room sees everything. When I was pregnant with li I said I didn't want DH seeing anything, I wanted him up by my head... Didn't happen.

OP, this is one place where you stand your ground, this is not about the baby, this is about you.

I lost a son, but went through labor and delivery and also coached my sister in her birth. At our hospital there was space between the need and the wall where my mother and sisters mil stood. They didn't see anything and had to ask me what was happening. All hospitals have different set ups. I think that's pretty presumptuous considering I was only offering a suggestion that worked well for my sister that might make everyone happy.

MIZCNEL · May 2013

I personally think it's your call not that his opinion doesn't matter however it's your goods and I know how it feels to have the others mother looking at your stuff not a comfortable thing. I would talk it over with your MIL so she understands that your not trying to hurt her nor be mean but you just wish to do it your way. I at this point don't care who sees what especially when or if I'm in pain just get it out!

My hubby , MIL, and possible bestie will be there my mom passed almost 3 yrs ago so I'm coo.

queenbone · May 2013

ceechie:
I do not think you are selfish at all! Your MIL can come in right after but why does she need to see the birth? I think you get to choose. You're the one in pain and doing all the work. Maybe tell him your mom wants to come to his next colonoscopy... Giving birth is all about having your support people with you. Not a one up. Maybe she can be in there while you labor but not when the pushing starts?

I was going to write the exact same thing.

It's not like you are saying his parents can't be there at all, he needs to lighten up. Maybe show him a video of vaginal births, let him be horrified, and then ask him if he still thinks you are out of line not wanting a ton of people in the room for that.

valstulas · May 2013

Labor is hard work. It is painful and requires a great deal of focus and concentration. There's this new trend to include a bunch of people in the delivery process by inviting them into the room, but I don't think it's always the best thing for the moms. If you are uncomfortable with your MIL there, then your H needs to respect that. Birth is a wonderful and beautiful thing, but it should also be private if that's what you want.

When I was pregnant with DS2, my SO's sister wanted to be in the delivery room with me. My SO's mother sadly passed away many years ago. I was uncomfortable with this and put my foot down on it. My SO balked about it, but I stuck to my guns. It was just SO and me in the room for his birth and it was a much more comfortable experience for all of us. It did ruffle some feathers at the time, but everyone has since gotten over it and I'm so happy I had some privacy.
Turns out it was a good thing, too, bc DS2 needed some extra attention during and after the delivery. I think having a bunch of people in there could have really interfered with his care. Plus, I pooped myself, so I'm glad no one was there to see it.

Btw, I have three boys now and this baby is a boy, too. I know that this means I will always be the MIL, so there is a strong possibility that I will not be in the room when my grandchildren are born. But that's okay with me. I would never ever try to impose. Family members who just expect to be there are completely disrespectful, IMHO.

Liz4444 · May 2013

lrichmond86:
Liz4444:
lrichmond86:
I can see both sides. On one hand I believe that it's your goodies on display... you should decide who sees them. On the other hand, if your mom gets to see her grandchild being born I can understand why your husband would want his mom to have the same opportunity. Could the moms just stay up by your head where they won't see any of the action but still be there for the birth? It's a tough one, but I think ultimately it's up to you.

I'm mobile so I can't see tickers... Do you have kids? There really is no "by your head". Everyone in the room sees everything. When I was pregnant with li I said I didn't want DH seeing anything, I wanted him up by my head... Didn't happen.

OP, this is one place where you stand your ground, this is not about the baby, this is about you.

I lost a son, but went through labor and delivery and also coached my sister in her birth. At our hospital there was space between the need and the wall where my mother and sisters mil stood. They didn't see anything and had to ask me what was happening. All hospitals have different set ups. I think that's pretty presumptuous considering I was only offering a suggestion that worked well for my sister that might make everyone happy.

I am very sorry for your loss, but I personally think it's silly to have to worry about making everyone happy during a very private, serious medical procedure. It's not like a high school graduation where the graduate is only given x amount of tickets.

And yes, saying stand by the head comes off as very FTM to me. That's not meant as an insult. As you can see, two years ago I said the same thing.

FutureBabyLMom · May 2013

Thank you ladies for the comments. I have tried to show him youtube videos and he thinks its gross. He has such a weak stomach to begin with I think he is going to be in the corner dry heaving (he starts heaving when the dogs throw up). My mom is a nurse so I know she will be a support person and not just there for the show. MIL did ask who was going to be in the room and did not seem upset when I told her just H and my mom

Thewifeofafireman · May 2013

I think it is your call! If you only want your mom, that is totally understandable. Definitely check to see how many people the hospital will allow because if only two other people, it will make things easier.

Erinm278 · May 2013

Abeille:
You should only have who you're comfortable with in the room. You're husband's reaction is selfish. His only job at delivery is to support you.

This! The labor and delivery is about the mom. He isn't the one exposed and in pain. Your vagina, your choice.

[Deleted User] · May 2013

Huh. I just don't understand what MIL would even want to be in the room.

Jasmineeelizabeth · May 2013

MrsMcC.10409:
You H is the one being selfish and domineering. Childbirth isn't like a wedding - which is about both parties equally. Childbirth is about producing an environment that is most condusive to the least amount of stress on mother and child during a tremendously difficult process, both physically and emotionally. While parenting is a 50/50 process, DH takes a distant third in this particular life event. You need no justification to want what you want, and DH should be blindly supporting you in anything you desire.

All of this.

Contrary to some PP's I do not see both sides. At all. Men should not make demands about the birth process, ever. You choose who you want to be in the room to support YOU. He does not need support and his MIL does not need to see you go through the most intimate and personal experience of your life.

She can have bonding time with the baby afterwards. The baby doesn't care who's there to see him come out, that's stupid. You are in no way being selfish, he is. Urg. This really works me up.

finkk · May 2013

I had the same discussion with my hubby... He was initially very irritated too but knew I wasn't budging. Then his mom told him she had no interest in being there...I have a good relationship with my MIL too, and she's more than welcome after baby pops our, but birth is a personal intimate thing. For some people intimacy can mean the whole fam damily, but for most it does not. Birth is not about the baby, it's about you and your body working together to bring life inti this world, and numerous studies have shown this process does not work as well if mom is stressed. Try talking to your MIL one on one, hopefully you can get her on your side.

bunnie712 · May 2013

This will be TMI...

After delivery, your neked self will undoutbly have to waddle over to use the restroom and learn from the nurse how and when to change your dressings down there. Who do you want to witness that? Having MIL distracted by a baby at that moment is not enough for me to want to do that in front of her.

A few hours after delivery my mom helped me clean up after changing that stuff. She used gloves from a dispenser on the wall, but was witness to that aftermath. That is the only type of person I want around during delivery other than DH who I don't want to see the dirty side of things. And with that said, my mom was in and out during labor, so DH could take breaks pain med free labor, but was not there for delivery. DH and I spent an hour together with DD before my parents came in. His came a few days later and stayed overnight at our house, which I would not recommend to anyone during the first week and most especially not on the day your milk comes in.

Especially since MIL has a DD and has witnessed her births, I don't think you need to accomodate her. But be aware that DH will feel offended many times in the future when your mom gets special treatment, like you would nurse in front of her, but not MIL. That's just how it goes for the most part.

PrimRoseMama · May 2013

Sorry, it's your vagina and your way. It's "about the child" when it's out of your ute and vag. His mom can see the kid then. Until then, yes, it's all about you and your comfort level.

You are right that next time he gets to carry and birth the kid then he can decide whose in the delivery room.

queenbone · May 2013

FutureBabyLMom:
Thank you ladies for the comments. I have tried to show him youtube videos and he thinks its gross. He has such a weak stomach to begin with I think he is going to be in the corner dry heaving (he starts heaving when the dogs throw up). My mom is a nurse so I know she will be a support person and not just there for the show. MIL did ask who was going to be in the room and did not seem upset when I told her just H and my mom

Exactly. That's why you don't need an audience.

supersarah77 · May 2013

Technically, you are the patient and therefore are the only one with a say about who you want in the room, including DH. He can make a request but per policy it's your decision. I'm sorry you're feeling the pressure to invite MIL. I would be very matter of fact in saying no, not emotional but direct and firm. Like a broken record every time he brings it up. Hopefully by go time he'll have adjusted to not getting his way and there will be no unnecessary drama.

Carrie3102 · May 2013

I don't think your DH has any idea what will transpire in the delivery room. Maybe he thinks your MIL won't "see anything" well he'd be wrong.

I am personally from the camp of... if you didn't help make the baby, or aren't a dr or a nurse, you aren't coming in until I say so.

Did your SIL's have their MIL's in the room with them? If not this might be a valid arguement for you to present to DH. If they did, then don't bring it up.

Your body your decision.

Carrie3102 · May 2013

Asbromle:
Huh. I just don't understand what MIL would even want to be in the room.

Mine would. She barged in while the lactation consultant was in the room with me and DD (she "forgot her purse") and came across the room and tried to grab my boob... I was so mortified, I yelled at EVERYONE TO GET OUT and then gave DH a tongue lashing for letting her come in for her purse, she should have come and got it.

[Deleted User] · May 2013

Carrie3102:
Asbromle:
Huh. I just don't understand what MIL would even want to be in the room.
Mine would. She barged in while the lactation consultant was in the room with me and DD (she "forgot her purse") and came across the room and tried to grab my boob... I was so mortified, I yelled at EVERYONE TO GET OUT and then gave DH a tongue lashing for letting her come in for her purse, she should have come and got it.

LOL...wow, talk about weird. That would've made me uncomfortable.

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