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Blended Families
Anyone experience RAD? (Reactive attachment disorder)
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Re: Anyone experience RAD? (Reactive attachment disorder)
There are multiple therapists involved and none have reported this situation? Either this entire story is untrue, or you are seeing unlicensed people claiming to be therapists. The laws are very clear: all suspected abuse must be reported by mandated reporters. Whether you've taken steps or not, the allegations of abuse must be reported when a therapist is made aware. I'm disturbed by everything going on.
If a single professional was involved then the words molest and attack would never have been used.
To the poster above who disagrees I studied law AND I currently work with kids from chaotic homes.
She is 5 she DID NOT act with intention.
To those who say she did I am very thankful none of you are policy makers or we would have two years old hauled in front of a judge for throwing tantrums.
She is a small child and not responsible for her actions. Her parents ARE responsible for her.
OP if I were in your shoes I would be shocked, horrified and devestated for my little DD. but if I decided to stay my DH would be doing everything possible to help his little DD.
You cannot throw her away at 5 for doing something she does not understand.
Also who, other than you and this board diagnosed her?
Lurking...
This all is hitting really close to home for me. Understand me when I say that a 5 year old molesting a 3 year old is LEARNED behavior. She shows "no remorse" because these behaviors were normal in her world for the first three years (the majority) of her life. She doesn't feel bad because she literally does not understand that what she did was wrong. She doesn't understand that it's not normal and not ok for someone who is bigger to inappropriately touch someone who is smaller. It happened to her, and no one did a damn thing about it.
If she is already struggling with attachment and empathy, I truly do NOT understand why she's being kept *isolated* from the family unless she's going to school, church or to eat dinner. That is, like PP said, borderline abuse in and of itself. Will somebody please stop perpetuating the "abuse is normal" theme in this little girl's life? How can she learn empathy and compassion if she doesn't receive it? Where is the, "What you did was wrong, but we are your parents/care takers/protectors, and we still love you"? She is a 5 year old!
This girl was neglected and abused the first 3 years of her life, yet it is being suggested that she be sent back to live with the woman who neglected her and didn't protect her from the abuse? Are you serious? What kind of message does that send to the child? Maybe if the mom truly is doing better and is no longer in contact with the child's abusers, this plan is more humane than locking her away in her room every day.
As for the 4 year old, she absolutely should be separated from the 5 year old. What the 5 year old did was abuse, even if misguided/unknowing. It is not impossible, though, after much counseling and perhaps some inpatient care for the 5 year old, for the family to be reunited and the children to reconcile. They are BOTH children, and there is such wonderful opportunity for BOTH of them to heal, since this was caught at such a young age. But you must act NOW, and stop locking people away in their rooms.
OP, I get that you're freaked out, and pregnancy hormones put mama bear into overdrive, but this CAN be fixed. If the 5 year old does not get inpatient care, you should most likely seek an alternate living arrangement for you and your biokids for the time being. You are absolutely right about that. But don't give up hope for the longterm just yet. This situation is horrible and devastating and never should have happened, but people have overcome greater obstacles than these. My heart truly goes out to you and your entire family.
I think it's more than borderline. It IS abuse. I get that they are desperate, but isolating her is so not the answer. She needs to proper care and attention of a mental health professional.
All of this just enforces for me that better mental health care is needed in this country. If they are not getting the help they need and the system is failing them, that is incredibly sad to me.
OP, I would suggest you get a second opinion. I'm not saying RAD isn't the right diagnosis but to me, it doesn't sound like your family is getting the support or guidance you need for this situation. For starters, five year old don't get the bright idea to start molesting their siblings. Someone molested her and I'm horrified that you guys haven't made a more concerted effort to find out who this was and have them prosecuted to the fullest extend of the law.
Secondly, if it's true that the girl's mother neglected her, left her alone to cry for ages in her crib, and contributed to her current mental state, there is no way in hell you should even be entertaining the idea of sending her back there. None. Absolutely not. If you're worried about your daughter continuing to live with the child who touched her inappropriately, then you should be terrified at the notion of letting her go back to a woman who laid about for three years.
I'm curious how your husband ended up deployed for three years but I suppose that's neither here nor there.
I would suggest therapy for everyone but intensive therapy for both your daughter and your stepdaughter as well as having your stepdaughter see someone else, someone who will advocate on her behalf and doesn't just see her as a problem that needs to be contained.
Someone hurt this little girl and if you're going to get any healing, you need to find out how that happened. I mean don't you think it's possible she might still be exposed to that kind of abuse if you don't know exactly who did it? Don't you think not handling that will contribute to a worsening of the situation?
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Actually, abuse by a caregiver is the only reason for a mandated report. Abuse by a sibling not in a caregiving role is not a mandated report and would not be taken by a CPS hotline. I am a sexual assault therapist and would not call it in. The role of the parents here is to protect the children. I don't think there is enough information here to know whether the older girl acted with intent. The most important issue here is not intent, though. It is safety. Of ALL the children. Keeping the older girl secluded to her room is not a good solution, but the truth is that intent or not, she cannot be trusted around the other kids. It isn't safe for HER to allow her continued access to kids. And it definitely isn't safe for the other children.
I think it would be nearly impossible to protect everyone in a home with 6 children and 2 adults where there is a child with inappropriate sexual behaviors. Until the older girl gets proper treatment for specializing in children with inappropriate sexual behaviors, it may be best to look into alternate living arrangements. And you have mention most of the family is in counseling... I hope your daughter is seeing someone with specialized training in sexual victimization. General counseling programs do not provide adequate training in this area for therapists to be able to be effective. It is a very specialized area.
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