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I know I shouldn?t let this mess with my head but...

SophistikittySophistikitty member
in Infertility Veterans

Getting my records and seeing that I had an antral follicle count of NINE going into my DE cycle was hard to read.  I don?t know why.  I know that at 42 the chances of one of them resulting in a healthy pregnancy was slim but somehow seeing that number really burned (eleven is the highest I have ever had and that was when we started IUI?s).  The rational, logical side of me says, ?How could you let this mess with your mind when you just miscarried with a 28 year old?s eggs??  I don?t regret moving to DE for a second but at the same time seeing that follicle count on paper somehow allowed me to think that maybe if we start TI again a miracle could happen.  I really am crazy aren?t I?  Why does IF have to be so emotionally complicated?


***SIGNATURE WARNING***


TTC #1

Me 42, DH 47

Dx = AMA/DOR, MFI

IVF/ICSI #1 = BFN

IVF/ICSI #2 = BFP; early loss

IVF/ICSI #3 (DE) = BFP; early loss

FET = BFN

IVF/ICSI #4 (DE w/ CCS) = BFP

Beta #1 @ 10dp6dt = 265; Beta #2 @ 14dp6dt = 1251. 

1st U/S @ 6w2d showed one perfect little heartbeat! 

2nd U/S @ 7w2d. HB 132 & everything measuring on track.

Our beautiful little girl arrived January 2015!


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Re: I know I shouldn?t let this mess with my head but...

  • brooklynesquebrooklynesque member
    Hi, sweetie. I know how you feel. My antral is around that; with OE IVF I've gotten 6 to 9 eggs. It made it hard for me to come to grips with the fact that my eggs were all crappy. even though I haven't even hit 40. It's totally natural to wonder what if. After a while I just couldn't handle all the BFNs anymore. I think if you have a child with DEs there will be much less wondering what if. You will be so excited and you will know that child was meant for you.
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  • lincoln79lincoln79 member

    imagebrooklynesque:
    Hi, sweetie. I know how you feel. My antral is around that; with OE IVF I've gotten 6 to 9 eggs. It made it hard for me to come to grips with the fact that my eggs were all crappy. even though I haven't even hit 40. It's totally natural to wonder what if. After a while I just couldn't handle all the BFNs anymore. I think if you have a child with DEs there will be much less wondering what if. You will be so excited and you will know that child was meant for you.

    well said. i know the RI pointed out to me this week that egg number (or ovarian reserve) and egg quality are two completely separate things.

    (((huge hugs))) 

    TTC #1 since 12/2010 DH: MFI, cancer survivor Me: Resected septate uterus, lap treated mild endo, tubes open, ovulate on own, autoimmune disease 3 Failed IUI's (2/2012, 4/2012, 6/2012) 
    IVF #1 August 2012. BFP! Beta #1 56.7 Beta #2 150 One baby, one heartbeat on 9/20/12! no h/b @7w6d. dandc @8w0d, 
    FET #1 December 2012, BFN
    FET #2 February 2013, no embies survived thaw
    IVF #2, BFP #2, Loss #2 March 2013, Scar tissue discovered, RPL testing,
    IVF #3, BFP #3, Loss #3 (twins) September 2013
    Hostile ute, moving onto Gestational Carrier!

    GC/FET #1 of 1 5AA blast and 1 compacted blast, February 2014, BFP #4 on 3/1/2014!
    6w u/s 1 bean with h/b of 145 bpm, 8w u/s 187 bpm
    EDD 11/7/14. Please, please, please stick little one!

    Praying unceasingly for a miracle. ALL welcome!

    image










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  • BeeBee08BeeBee08 member
    I don't have much to add about your situation specifically, but wanted to say you're not crazy for thinking anything.  IF is a complete mind f*&k.  I honestly don't know how any of us get out of this without serious drugs and a straight jacket.  Hang in there, and Good Luck!!  ((Hugs))

     
    me 33/DH 36
    ttc since 10/2008; d/x: mild MFI, stageII endo
    ~~PAIF/SAIF Welcome~~
    11 IUI’s = 1 m/c (7w4d)
    IVF#1 January 2012 BFN, FET #1 April 2012 BFN
    Surprise BFP October 2012 m/c (7w), Surprise BFP April 2013 m/c (6w4d)
    IVF #2: July 2013, ET 1 embryo 7/18, beta 1 @ 14dp3dt - 757, beta 2 @ 16dp3dt - 1762
    U/S 1 @ 6w4d = 1 little frogger with HB of 118, U/S 2 @ 7w3d measuring right on track with HB of 160
    Stick Frogger Stick! Please!!!!!!!!!!!!!   It's a Girl, EDD April 7, 2014

    BabyFruit Ticker

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  • SophistikittySophistikitty member

    imagebrooklynesque:
    Hi, sweetie. I know how you feel. My antral is around that; with OE IVF I've gotten 6 to 9 eggs. It made it hard for me to come to grips with the fact that my eggs were all crappy. even though I haven't even hit 40. It's totally natural to wonder what if. After a while I just couldn't handle all the BFNs anymore. I think if you have a child with DEs there will be much less wondering what if. You will be so excited and you will know that child was meant for you.

    I know 100% that you are right just by how I felt when I was pregnant through DE for that short period of time.  I was so incredibly happy and the fact that we used DE didn?t affect that in anyway.  I think I just have to get myself into a more positive head space.  The loss was something I wasn?t prepared for and the thought of the FET failing has me grasping at straws.   


    ***SIGNATURE WARNING***


    TTC #1

    Me 42, DH 47

    Dx = AMA/DOR, MFI

    IVF/ICSI #1 = BFN

    IVF/ICSI #2 = BFP; early loss

    IVF/ICSI #3 (DE) = BFP; early loss

    FET = BFN

    IVF/ICSI #4 (DE w/ CCS) = BFP

    Beta #1 @ 10dp6dt = 265; Beta #2 @ 14dp6dt = 1251. 

    1st U/S @ 6w2d showed one perfect little heartbeat! 

    2nd U/S @ 7w2d. HB 132 & everything measuring on track.

    Our beautiful little girl arrived January 2015!


    Report Reply
  • SophistikittySophistikitty member
    imagelincoln79:

    imagebrooklynesque:
    Hi, sweetie. I know how you feel. My antral is around that; with OE IVF I've gotten 6 to 9 eggs. It made it hard for me to come to grips with the fact that my eggs were all crappy. even though I haven't even hit 40. It's totally natural to wonder what if. After a while I just couldn't handle all the BFNs anymore. I think if you have a child with DEs there will be much less wondering what if. You will be so excited and you will know that child was meant for you.

    well said. i know the RI pointed out to me this week that egg number (or ovarian reserve) and egg quality are two completely separate things.

    (((huge hugs))) 

    You are so right.  I just have to keep reminding myself of that. 


    ***SIGNATURE WARNING***


    TTC #1

    Me 42, DH 47

    Dx = AMA/DOR, MFI

    IVF/ICSI #1 = BFN

    IVF/ICSI #2 = BFP; early loss

    IVF/ICSI #3 (DE) = BFP; early loss

    FET = BFN

    IVF/ICSI #4 (DE w/ CCS) = BFP

    Beta #1 @ 10dp6dt = 265; Beta #2 @ 14dp6dt = 1251. 

    1st U/S @ 6w2d showed one perfect little heartbeat! 

    2nd U/S @ 7w2d. HB 132 & everything measuring on track.

    Our beautiful little girl arrived January 2015!


    Report Reply
  • Scoop77Scoop77 member
    It's hard not to doubt yourself, even if you know you're right to do what you did. The "coulda beens" are hard to shake, as I know from personal experience. Hugs, lady.
    Report Reply
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