I know I shouldn?t let this mess with my head but...

Sophistikitty

Getting my records and seeing that I had an antral follicle count of NINE going into my DE cycle was hard to read.  I don?t know why.  I know that at 42 the chances of one of them resulting in a healthy pregnancy was slim but somehow seeing that number really burned (eleven is the highest I have ever had and that was when we started IUI?s).  The rational, logical side of me says, ?How could you let this mess with your mind when you just miscarried with a 28 year old?s eggs??  I don?t regret moving to DE for a second but at the same time seeing that follicle count on paper somehow allowed me to think that maybe if we start TI again a miracle could happen.  I really am crazy aren?t I?  Why does IF have to be so emotionally complicated?

brooklynesque

Hi, sweetie. I know how you feel. My antral is around that; with OE IVF I've gotten 6 to 9 eggs. It made it hard for me to come to grips with the fact that my eggs were all crappy. even though I haven't even hit 40. It's totally natural to wonder what if. After a while I just couldn't handle all the BFNs anymore. I think if you have a child with DEs there will be much less wondering what if. You will be so excited and you will know that child was meant for you.

lincoln79

brooklynesque:

Hi, sweetie. I know how you feel. My antral is around that; with OE IVF I've gotten 6 to 9 eggs. It made it hard for me to come to grips with the fact that my eggs were all crappy. even though I haven't even hit 40. It's totally natural to wonder what if. After a while I just couldn't handle all the BFNs anymore. I think if you have a child with DEs there will be much less wondering what if. You will be so excited and you will know that child was meant for you.

well said. i know the RI pointed out to me this week that egg number (or ovarian reserve) and egg quality are two completely separate things.

(((huge hugs))) 

BeeBee08

I don't have much to add about your situation specifically, but wanted to say you're not crazy for thinking anything.  IF is a complete mind f*&k.  I honestly don't know how any of us get out of this without serious drugs and a straight jacket.  Hang in there, and Good Luck!!  ((Hugs))

Sophistikitty

brooklynesque:

Hi, sweetie. I know how you feel. My antral is around that; with OE IVF I've gotten 6 to 9 eggs. It made it hard for me to come to grips with the fact that my eggs were all crappy. even though I haven't even hit 40. It's totally natural to wonder what if. After a while I just couldn't handle all the BFNs anymore. I think if you have a child with DEs there will be much less wondering what if. You will be so excited and you will know that child was meant for you.

I know 100% that you are right just by how I felt when I was pregnant through DE for that short period of time.  I was so incredibly happy and the fact that we used DE didn?t affect that in anyway.  I think I just have to get myself into a more positive head space.  The loss was something I wasn?t prepared for and the thought of the FET failing has me grasping at straws.   

Sophistikitty

lincoln79:

brooklynesque:

Hi, sweetie. I know how you feel. My antral is around that; with OE IVF I've gotten 6 to 9 eggs. It made it hard for me to come to grips with the fact that my eggs were all crappy. even though I haven't even hit 40. It's totally natural to wonder what if. After a while I just couldn't handle all the BFNs anymore. I think if you have a child with DEs there will be much less wondering what if. You will be so excited and you will know that child was meant for you.

well said. i know the RI pointed out to me this week that egg number (or ovarian reserve) and egg quality are two completely separate things.

(((huge hugs))) 

You are so right.  I just have to keep reminding myself of that. 

Scoop77

It's hard not to doubt yourself, even if you know you're right to do what you did. The "coulda beens" are hard to shake, as I know from personal experience. Hugs, lady.