Time-outs for 20 month old? Beyond frustrated

zhirsch · May 2013

I haven't posted here since before baby was born, but I'm back seeking the wisdom of the internet mamas. My 20 month old has started hitting me and my husband in the last few weeks. He doesn't do it in anger really, just out of the blue to see what my reaction will be. Over and over, with a twinkle in his eye, probably at least 100 times a day. I know that this is developmentally normal, but it's driving me crazy and making me mad, frustrated and emotionally drained. All of the "gentle" approaches aren't doing a thing. I've tried saying "no hitting, hitting hurts, touch gentle" while making eye contact. I've tried getting up and walking away. I've unfortunately tried yelling (which was about the only thing that got his attention.) We don't believe in spanking but I'd be a liar if I didn't think about doing it. I'm kind of at my wits end. I know they say not to do time outs for kids under 2 but I need to try something. Any advice with time-outs? Success stories? Commiseration?

sunnyday016 · May 2013

Happiest Toddler on the Block recommends TOs for as young as 15m. I'd say give it a try!

dor79 · May 2013

I think we started with time-outs around that time. It seems to work. I found a quiet spot in the house and sat him down in it for about 1.5 minutes before getting him.

Ms5586 · May 2013

kbruington:

Do kids that young even understand what a time out is?? I've read over and over again to ignore, ignore, ignore. They want a reaction.

Yeah, I don't think they get it. For us, at least, we've tried it, and it became a game of "chase me!".

When he hits us, we go down on his level, grasp his hand firmly (but not to hurt), look at him in the eye and say "We use nice hands" and walk away.

Consistency is key.

mben1119 · May 2013

We do time outs with DS, only when nothing else works. He goes in his crib for 90 seconds (roughly one minute for each year of age). Generally, he calms down when he's in there.

dairygirl19 · May 2013

Yeah, time outs aren't fabulous here either. I want something I don't have to explain 354353 times and keep dragging her back. I know it works for a lot families, but in our case it's just away to get more attention. We don't hit or spank but I will grab her leg if she's kicking, look her in the eye, use my Mom voice and say, "We don't hit. We do hugs." or something like that. For some reason, the voice change really works with my toddler. I also redirect. I know for my kid when she starts doing the naughty stuff it's time for a nap, new activity, some cuddle time etc. Sometimes it's for the reaction and then I'll repeat the line above, and get up and walk away/ignore her for a minute.

zhirsch · May 2013

kbruington:
Do kids that young even understand what a time out is?? I've read over and over again to ignore, ignore, ignore. They want a reaction.

I ignore the vast majority of his negative behaviors (screaming, throwing food, whining, etc.) but I can't ignore hitting. Mostly because there's no way I could be consistent about it. When he hits another kid at the playground, I have to address it. When he's sitting in the shopping cart smacking me over and over and over, I can't just do nothing. I could ignore it at home, but that gives the impression that hitting is ok sometimes and not others. I could only address it when he hits other people and ignore it when it's my husband or I, but that gives the impression that it's ok to hit some people but not others. I agree that consistency is key, so my only option is to address it every single time he hits.

As far as time outs I'm glad to see that it's worked for some around this age, so I think I'll give it a try. I do my best to follow natural consequences, and I think a short time out follows that in this instance. I view it as more of a "If you hit you are going to go to time out so you can't hurt anybody" rather than "You're bad, go to your room and think about what you've done." He's a smart kid, and I'm hoping he'll catch on quickly.

TiffanyBerry · May 2013

When you walk away, what do you do? I walked away, into another room, and ignored for a few minutes (like, 2 minutes, or up to 5 if she wasn't getting the message). As soon as that time was over, I would try to redirect her to another fun (and physical) activity.

zhirsch · May 2013

TiffanyBerry:
When you walk away, what do you do? I walked away, into another room, and ignored for a few minutes (like, 2 minutes, or up to 5 if she wasn't getting the message). As soon as that time was over, I would try to redirect her to another fun (and physical) activity.

I walk into another room and shut the door. This makes him upset, and he stands outside the door crying and pounding on the door. After a few minutes have passed I open the door, get down to his level and say "we don't hit, hitting hurts" to remind him why I went in there in the first place. Sometimes he'll even say/sign "sorry" and then I offer him a hug and say I love you.

Then he immediately smacks me again. And then it starts all over. He keeps challenging, keeps trying it again. This goes on and on and on.

cecilyandgautam · May 2013

We've used mini-time outs and found them very effective. I also use the general rule of thumb of a 1 minute per year. I got the idea generally from my lactation consultant whose advice on biting was to de-latch, put them down, say "no biting", get up & walk away. That really worked in getting her not to bite again when she was a baby so we do a similar 1) put down 2) "no hitting, that hurts" 3) walk away. If she's repeating the behavior over & over, then I'll put her down in her crib for the time out and I do time it. I'm usually the one she hits, so when the time out is over, daddy goes in and I don't re-engage for another few minutes.

If nothing else, it should at least give you a few moments to collect yourself.

Nala37 · May 2013

My 18 month old does the same thing and I finally resorted to putting him in time outs because nothing else worked. I do a 3 minute time out because anything shorter wasn't effective, he would just go right back to hitting and throwing toys. I put him in his crib or on a chair (depending on where we are), tell him why he is in time out, and that I will get him in 3 minutes. He carries on for a little bit, but by the time 3 minutes is up, he is calm and waiting for me. I pick him up, reiterate what the time out was for and that the behavior isn't okay, he gives me a hug and a kiss and we go on our way. He has been hitting less since we started time outs, so that's what works for us!

bridein08 · May 2013

Try 1,2,3 magic! I have a very stubborn 17 month old, and we started two months ago. He picked up quickly, he usually stops whatever behavior action on the very first warning now. We probably do a one minute time out twice a day max now. It is really magic in our house.

DawnJM25 · May 2013

Ok, I'm just relieved that so many other people have toddlers who kick and hit! People used to tell me how "good" DD was, but since 17 mo I've had quite a time with her behavior. We tried time out once and I just didn't think she understood. The whole "be gentle" or "we don't hit/kick" or other positive statements I've tried don't seem to work either. the last couple of days I have ignored the hitting. Not sure what to do- maybe I will try a TO again. Thanks for asking this- I will watch the replies!

lana22 · May 2013

i just started a modified time out for my 17mo when he wasn't listening. i put him in his playroom with the gate locked and he loses his mind. i wait about 20-30 seconds, explain again that he can't crawl under his brother's swing, then take him out (we usually hug also). the first time we tried "time outs" this past weekend, i had to do this about four times consecutively, and then he stopped going over there. he went back behind the swing for the first time today, i put him in the playroom for 20 seconds and he hasn't gone near it since. it's ironic to me that his time out is in his playroom where you would think he'd be all, oh sweet, my punishment is to play with my toys, but he views it as being separated from me, which is a negative, so it works. i have no idea if this will sustain long term but it doesn't seem too damaging to him and we're getting short term results.

Irishsapphire · May 2013

My son did not understand timouts until he was 2 years old. And it was still a negotiation. He was like "no time out." But it was like one day he saw another little boy at a playdate party get a "time out", and he told the other little boy---"You got a time out." And now he really gets time outs. He likes to give "time outs" to his baby sister. And we decided that we needed to make "time outs" for everyone. So if grandpa says a bad word, then grandpa get a "time out."

It does get better, and my son is understanding it a lot more that he is getting closer to 3 years old. And his vocabulary just took off when he was 2 years old. When they are 1 years old, their vocabulary is limited, and they do not understand everything. So when they have a better vocabulary, discipline is a little bit easier.

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