rules for the grandparents?

ladybugpjb · May 2013

Do you have rules (about LO) for your parents? Did you ever lay out what they are/are not allowed to do with LO?

We only see my parents a couple of times a year, and my dad drives me CRAZY with some of the things he does. So I kind of want to make a list of things of expectations - mostly things that I don't want my dad to do. My mom understands and listens; my dad thinks he's exempt because he's the grandpa.

Example: I prefer that DS not share food with anyone except me or DH. My dad thinks it's okay for him to share utensils and give food that he's bitten off of (like bread and stuff) or share his drink. My parents actually had the same rule for us, so I don't understand why my dad thinks it's okay. Sharing utensils/food with anyone except my parents was a BIG deal to my mom.

Another example: My dad has this habit of talking to DS and saying that DS and grandpa should do such and such. The obnoxious part is that my dad doesn't say anything to me about it before he says it in front of DS. Another obnoxious thing is that I know that (even if my dad REALLY wants to do whatever it is) he most likely won't follow through. Eventually, DS is going to understand what my dad says, and it's going to be a big deal because the things my dad wants to do just aren't feasible or appropriate until DS is maybe four or five. And then if my dad doesn't follow through with it, who gets to deal with the disappointment? Me.

There are other things, but those are the two specific ones that came up during his last visit.

I know that my dad doesn't INTENTIONALLY do things to make my parenting more difficult, but sometimes it really seems like he does it just to get a rise out of me.

So...just curious if you have given your parents/ILs a set of expectations/rules/guidelines or whatever you want to call them. My main goal is to make visits from my dad less stressful because the things that he does lead to arguments, disagreements, hurt feelings, etc. My dad and I are both pretty sensitive, especially to criticism from each other, so I just wonder if laying out some expectations would help us avoid the issues that arise during their visits.

If I'm being completely ridiculous, please tell me.

NotSharknado · May 2013

The promise thing would bug me.

I wouldn't ever map out a list of dos and don'ts. If I saw something that I didn't agree with then I'd say something right then and there.

Monsieur_et_Madame_Ha · May 2013

You're not being ridiculous. Especially about the part about not following through. My mom is like that, too, and it's created tensions in the past. She does it because she doesn't want to deal with my kids' disappointment. For instance, she once told DD1 she was "just going to the store" when she was in fact going home. Yeah. And when I call her out on it, she gets super offended because "kids don't know the difference". Um yeah no. All this to say that I have had to implement a "no lying to my kids" rule. How lame is that?

ladybugpjb · May 2013

shanado:
The promise thing would bug me. I wouldn't ever map out a list of dos and don'ts. If I saw something that I didn't agree with then I'd say something right then and there.

I have mentioned it (the eating thing)...and it doesn't seem to click. He just looks at me like I've offended him and I'm being ridiculous, like he's thinking, "What's wrong with my germs? I'm his grandpa." (My mom used the "We have the same germs" line to justify taking bites of my ice cream when I was little.)

ladybugpjb · May 2013

Monsieur_et_Madame_Ha:
You're not being ridiculous. Especially about the part about not following through. My mom is like that, too, and it's created tensions in the past. She does it because she doesn't want to deal with my kids' disappointment. For instance, she once told DD1 she was "just going to the store" when she was in fact going home. Yeah. And when I call her out on it, she gets super offended because "kids don't know the difference". Um yeah no. All this to say that I have had to implement a "no lying to my kids" rule. How lame is that?

Oh wow - that is really bad. Kids DO know the difference.

melissa0726 · May 2013

I don't think you're being ridiculous. In your situation, I might try sending them an email prior to the next visit along lines of.....

"It's really important to us that DS not share food/utensils with anyone else. We're trying to teach him about boundaries and table manners(or something like that). We'd appreciate if you could help us to enforce this during your visit."

"We're are at the point where DS really understands and reacts to everything we tell him. It would be really helpful if you could try to keep this in mind when talking to him."

Just my two cents, because I know that approach would work with my parents.

Our situation is a lot different than yours because we see both sets of parents really regularly. So do's and don'ts get covered in everyday conversation with our parents. Juice has been the biggest battle with my mom, she doesn't "get" why DD can't have some "once in a while." I just tell her that we have a no juice rule and that is that.

Monsieur_et_Madame_Ha · May 2013

ladybugpjb:
Monsieur_et_Madame_Ha:
You're not being ridiculous. Especially about the part about not following through. My mom is like that, too, and it's created tensions in the past. She does it because she doesn't want to deal with my kids' disappointment. For instance, she once told DD1 she was "just going to the store" when she was in fact going home. Yeah. And when I call her out on it, she gets super offended because "kids don't know the difference". Um yeah no. All this to say that I have had to implement a "no lying to my kids" rule. How lame is that?
Oh wow - that is really bad. Kids DO know the difference.

Ya. She also likes to call them names when they're little, because, again, "they don't know the difference". And of course I'm the one who's being oversensitive when I ask her to stop.

kikalynne · May 2013

With the food, it sounds like you might just have to fall back on repetition. Adress it enough times and they'll eventually catch on that you mean business.

We see my inlaws at least once a week, but the only issue I've had with them involved my MIL giving him juice on the sly. It gives him diarrhea, so I can always tell. As soon as I got up the courage to say something, it stopped.

My parents are another story. We see them a few times a year. On our last visit, my father declared that since he only sees his grandson every few months, he wasn't going to tell him 'no'. At all. I had to have a chat with him about that one, since it just means someone else will have to.

Seriously, though, where was that parenting style when I was growing up?!

MrsCase1 · May 2013

Growing up, I never had grandparents. As in, they were alive but were completely disinterested. So, now that Lincoln has grandparents that adore him, I am so eager for him to have what I never did, that I pretty much let everything that irks me slide because I know that "grandparent doting" is a precious thing. Not to say your feelings are wrong, I am just commenting on my own "issues." LOL.

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