Gender Disappointment - go ahead flame me

Antipodean · May 2013

I know that this will raise heckles and the majority of you will flame me ... but the fact that there is even a term for this feeling shows to me that it's a very real and valid reaction for some mothers to have.

My baby is healthy, I am healthy aside from a pregnancy complication that means we'll be delivering at 35 weeks, everything is going really well.

I just can't shake this feeling of disappointment, I know that will dissipate well before baby arrives, this baby is very much wanted and will be loved, there will be no rejection, just for the meantime I feel a little sadness for what I had imagined or hoped our future would be.

Righto got it out ...

VVT3111 · May 2013

When I first found out I was like oh... But didn't wanna be like that. because I wanted a boy but i got over it because I'm thankful for a healthy baby girl. And I can't wait to meet her! and I already love her so much.

I think the feeling is normal and it will soon go away : I'm glad youre baby is healthy and you're healthy.

katiebenes · May 2013

Well, it is a real thing, and its one of the things people flame for.

I can see why people flame and think its insensitive... but I also can't understand why people are so harsh over it. It's about as easy to change as my pre-pregnancy mood issues...

I think you're approaching it right, that you know its something you will get over... It may not be "long gone" by the time the baby arrives, but the moment you hold that little precious child it will.

leece21 · May 2013

No flames here and I am not sure why people get so mad about it. They way it feels to me is that (and I will probably get flamed for this) in my head I have come to love this baby. I really want a girl because I already have a boy and in my head that would make my perfect family. I have wanted this family since I was little so if this child is a boy I will have to let go of that thought and embrace what my perfect family is now going to be, 2 boys. I will just need time to let go and then embrace and I know for me that is a process. I decided not to tell my friends and family when I am finding out so that if I need a few days to cry I will have that and when I am ready to be excited I will tell them.

I love this baby boy or girl, I just need time to adjust my thinking and flames or not that is how I work.

Unknown · May 2013

This content has been removed.

caramia582 · May 2013

All I'll say about this is I think shaming and berating people for their feelings is a lot more flameworthy than the feelings themselves.

kakhmama · May 2013

caramia582:
All I'll say about this is I think shaming and berating people for their feelings is a lot more flameworthy than the feelings themselves.

I agree!!
It is a very real thing and it doesn't matter what anyone else's opinions are of it. You have every right to feel the way you feel. So ignore the shiitty comments from other posters.

You absolutely will move past those feelings and will start to imagine life and a future with this new baby whatever sex it is. It just takes a few weeks to switch gears in your mind.

I experienced this for just a brief time but am quickly getting really excited about having another little boy and all of the wonderful things that come with it!

kimmycup · May 2013

*flame* hehe jk. Sorry you feel that way. I'm glad you're both healthy and I know in a little bit of time you'll be over the moon for the sex (gender) that you have.

Shanmarie1083 · May 2013

Well you got pregnant knowing that you had a 50/50 shot of having either sex. I'm not sure why you invested so much energy into the idea that it would be one sex over the other when you know the chances.

I'm sure the feelings of disappointment will fade over time.

PrimRoseMama · May 2013

A couple of things:

You mean "raise hackles". Hackles are the hairs on the back of a neck of animals when they are upset. Heckles are jeers and jests in your general direction. Though you might get some of those too. LOL.

No one has said that feeling a moment or two of fleeting disappointment is wrong or invalid. Simply that tearing your hair, ripping your clothes and being a morose basketcase for weeks on end about it is extreme. Being seriously depressed about your kids genitalia is nuts to me. I'm allowed to have my valid and real opinion too. I think its dumb to get so fixated on it.

So, you are sad, ok. I'm sorry you are disappointed, but I don't understand where you are coming from and that doesn't mean I have to. It just means that you can't tell people how to feel anymore than we can tell you how to feel. Its a two way street.

We are, however, allowed to roll our eyes at it and think its dumb. Live and let live you know.

[Deleted User] · May 2013

AFwifelife:
I never understood these posts. You know that it will rile up people. Why not talk to a friend or relative about it? You probably would come out of that conversation less butthurt than reading everyone's responses here.

Ummmm yep...thanks. This exactly. Why do people even come on here and vent something silly when they know and even write in their post that they're going to get flamed...

manditxg · May 2013

PrimRoseMama:
A couple of things:

You mean "raise hackles". Hackles are the hairs on the back of a neck of animals when they are upset. Heckles are jeers and jests in your general direction. Though you might get some of those too. LOL.

No one has said that feeling a moment or two of fleeting disappointment is wrong or invalid. Simply that tearing your hair, ripping your clothes and being a morose basketcase for weeks on end about it is extreme. Being seriously depressed about your kids genitalia is nuts to me. I'm allowed to have my valid and real opinion too. I think its dumb to get so fixated on it.

So, you are sad, ok. I'm sorry you are disappointed, but I don't understand where you are coming from and that doesn't mean I have to. It just means that you can't tell people how to feel anymore than we can tell you how to feel. Its a two way street.

We are, however, allowed to roll our eyes at it and think its dumb. Live and let live you know.

I usually don't agree with your posts but this one is spot on.

I never understood these posts, more so now since I wanted a boy for so long and found out we are having a girl. even though I wanted a boy, as soon as u/s tech said it's a girl felt happy and relieved. I have a healthy baby girl. I wasn't disappointed at all. I also don't get upset over things I can't change.

526SadieSadie · May 2013

I don't think there's a problem with saying, "I'm having a -- and I wanted a --" the problem comes when you can't shake it off and embrace the reality that a healthy baby is more important than the sex organs the baby has.

The women who terminate their pregnancies when they find out the sex isn't the one they wanted are the ones who have a problem and deserve flaming.

PrimRoseMama · May 2013

MrsMuq:
526SadieSadie:
I don't think there's a problem with saying, "I'm having a -- and I wanted a --" the problem comes when you can't shake it off and embrace the reality that a healthy baby is more important than the sex organs the baby has.

The women who terminate their pregnancies when they find out the sex isn't the one they wanted are the ones who have a problem and deserve flaming.
People do this?! I thought we lived in the US - not China or Iran.

I don't know if women in the country where I live do this (speaking of the US). I don't know anyone personally who has terminated because of the sex of the baby. I can't imagine doing that. I am all for choice (I truly am) but I have a hard time with that choice. It just breaks my heart when it happens at all, anywhere.

MissLauraPants · May 2013

I completely understand the feelings of what you are feeling. They are not wrong.

I go in Wednesday and I am super nervous about health and sex. I have been hoping for a girl this whole time and really my whole life. Now that I have been pregnant I have told myself I cannot count that it will be a girl and actually now I feel like when I find out either way (girl or boy) I will be somewhat disappointed.

Since I do not know what I am having I have thought about this the last 13 weeks either way of what I am having and the possibilities of my life in either direction. I get the best of both words at the moment since I can live both fantasies at the same time! I will be super disappointed if I do not have a girl...yes..will I get over it? of course...

I think a little of me will be disappointed if it isn't a boy too in a weird way because there goes that path that I thought of... But either way I can't have both lol so I am going to find out.

And of course people say "at least it is a healthy baby"...because duh..no one is choosing a specific sex over health. I too have had a m/c but I can also feel disappointment in a specific sex.

tab1979 · May 2013

PrimRoseMama:
MrsMuq:
526SadieSadie:
I don't think there's a problem with saying, "I'm having a -- and I wanted a --" the problem comes when you can't shake it off and embrace the reality that a healthy baby is more important than the sex organs the baby has.

The women who terminate their pregnancies when they find out the sex isn't the one they wanted are the ones who have a problem and deserve flaming.
People do this?! I thought we lived in the US - not China or Iran.
I don't know if women in the country where I live do this (speaking of the US). I don't know anyone personally who has terminated because of the sex of the baby. I can't imagine doing that. I am all for choice (I truly am) but I have a hard time with that choice. It just breaks my heart when it happens at all, anywhere.

Yes, in Canada - at least in major cities - they may not tell you the sex of the baby in case people decide to terminate. I don't know all the details of how it works. I'm caucasian, and I was told. I have some asian friends who had to wait and find out through their doctor, and my family doctor, who is from India, had to wait until she gave birth.

They discovered that people who found out they were having girls were aborting, and they were travelling to the US to have it done.

vadamsv · May 2013

caramia582:
All I'll say about this is I think shaming and berating people for their feelings is a lot more flameworthy than the feelings themselves.

This.

Screw her for just needing to vent and getting some advice on how to handle it, Right?

Seriously, some people are so goddamn rude.

PrimRoseMama · May 2013

vadamsv:
caramia582:
All I'll say about this is I think shaming and berating people for their feelings is a lot more flameworthy than the feelings themselves.

This.
Screw her for just needing to vent and getting some advice on how to handle it, Right?
Seriously, some people are so goddamn rude.

I haven't seen anyone in this thread shaming anyone. Granted, I'm looking at this again, but no one shamed or said the OP was a bad person for feeling this way. Simply that they disagree, don't understand it and feel that it is ridiculous. Our feelings that it is ridiculous to get so upset over the sex organs of your baby are just as valid. Why should we have to keep them to ourselves if the OP doesn't have to keep her feelings to herself? We all have feelings and we should all be able to express them, right?

If we are all here to express ourselves freely then there should be no bar on who gets to do it. She can vent, ask for support and whatever. She can't control the feedback she gets and we all shouldn't have to "play nice" just because you say so.

No one said "screw her" or cursed or whatever else like you are doing. I would generally perceive your reaction to the rest of the posters in this thread entirely more rude than anything that has been said so far. The OP is free to vent about it. Then again, people are free to "vent" about how they feel about her vent.

Welcome to the interwebs.

Phalaenopsis · May 2013

caramia582:
All I'll say about this is I think shaming and berating people for their feelings is a lot more flameworthy than the feelings themselves.

Absolutely.

I find it silly that random strangers on the internet think they can tell you that your natural, real feelings of a bit of disappointment are not worthy of addressing. Why do they even click on the post if they know the content inside and they plan to dismiss the post anyway? I don't understand. Anyway, currently I am struggling with a fear of potentially being disappointed if it's not the sex I'm hoping for. I really wish I wasn't experiencing these feelings, but it's just not the case. I'm sure both of us will get over it with time as long as the child is healthy and happy.

PrimRoseMama · May 2013

Phalaenopsis:
I find it silly that random strangers on the internet think they can tell you that your natural, real feelings of a bit of disappointment are not worthy of addressing.

Again, please point out who said she shouldn't address her feelings? Also, I find it interesting that you find other people's opinions/feelings "silly" and dismiss them. Isn't that what you are criticizing others on here for doing to the OP about her feelings? Why is it ok for you to criticize and dismiss those that disagree with the feelings of OP but its not alright for us to criticize and/or dismiss the feelings of the OP? Double standard much?

Phalaenopsis:Why do they even click on the post if they know the content inside and they plan to dismiss the post anyway? I don't understand.

Because people have feelings, opinions and want to express them. The same reason the OP knew she would get flamed and decided to post anyway. The same could be said, "why would the OP express this if she knew she'd get flamed? What's the point?". No one should be barred from expressing their feelings just because they don't jive with what the OP or anyone else doesn't want to hear.

If you put it out there (general you) then people are free to comment on it. If you don't want them to judge you, flame you, say things that might hurt your feels, then don't put it out there. Once you hit "post" its open season on whatever you've posted. We are strangers. We have no obligation to coddle you or tell you what you want to hear. Deal with it.

Julie21613 · May 2013

I don't flame, but I don't understand either. I guess, for me, and a lot of other women, the road to getting pregnant and staying pregnant was a very long hard road. So, the issue of being disappointed if I'm having a girl over a boy or visa versa, is so foreign to me. All I ever wanted and am praying for, is a healthy baby.

amarissa85 · May 2013

AFwifelife:
I never understood these posts. You know that it will rile up people. Why not talk to a friend or relative about it? You probably would come out of that conversation less butthurt than reading everyone's responses here.

This.

PrimRoseMama · May 2013

Julie21613:
I don't flame, but I don't understand either. I guess, for me, and a lot of other women, the road to getting pregnant and staying pregnant was a very long hard road. So, the issue of being disappointed if I'm having a girl over a boy or visa versa, is so foreign to me. All I ever wanted and am praying for, is a healthy baby.

Yes

NatesCupcake47 · May 2013

caramia582:
All I'll say about this is I think shaming and berating people for their feelings is a lot more flameworthy than the feelings themselves.

Agreed!

Unknown · May 2013

This content has been removed.

PrimRoseMama · May 2013

Bliss+Berry:
PrimRoseMama:
vadamsv:
caramia582:
All I'll say about this is I think shaming and berating people for their feelings is a lot more flameworthy than the feelings themselves.
 
This. 
Screw her for just needing to vent and getting some advice on how to handle it, Right?
Seriously, some people are so goddamn rude.
I haven't seen anyone in this thread shaming anyone. Granted, I'm looking at this again, but  no one shamed or said the OP was a bad person for feeling this way. Simply that they disagree, don't understand it and feel that it is ridiculous. Our feelings that it is ridiculous to get so upset over the sex organs of your baby are just as valid. Why should we have to keep them to ourselves if the OP doesn't have to keep her feelings to herself? We all have feelings and we should all be able to express them, right? 

If we are all here to express ourselves freely then there should be no bar on who gets to do it. She can vent, ask for support and whatever. She can't control the feedback she gets and we all shouldn't have to "play nice" just because you say so. 

No one said "screw her" or cursed or whatever else like you are doing. I would generally perceive your reaction to the rest of the posters in this thread entirely more rude than anything that has been said so far. The OP is free to vent about it. Then again, people are free to "vent" about how they feel about her vent. 
Welcome to the interwebs.  
This.
Prim, have I told you lately that I <3 U? 

Lots of love to you too Bliss!

olga1311 · May 2013

OP - just wanted to say I understand how you feel. I am FTM, and for the last 20 weeks, reading the posts about gender disappointment I was right in the camp of as long as its healthy baby who the heck cares if its a boy or a girl". However, I went to find out the sex on Friday and found out this was not the boy I was hoping for. And yes I was disappointed. What helped me was to do some serious soul searching and understand WHY I was so fixated on a certain gender. By the end of it (maybe a day) I realized that the main reason I was so fixating on a boy was that I was plain and simple scared of parenting a female and also there is a pressure from ILs as they have a tradition with firstborn son of a firstborn son carrying a certain first name (my husband is the 8th

) so I didn't want to be the one to break the tradition. The hormones, the teenage years, the way teenage girls are protrayed in the media as bratty and dramatic, all helped shape this picture in my head that I just wouldn't even begin to know what to do with all that. So my disappointment wasn't in the actual baby per se, it was coming to grips with my own internal fears of parenting and my own demons. Once I realized it, I was able to look at it objectively and deal with these feeling which were the core of why I was feeling the way I was. This baby was loved and wanted every second since I found its a girl. Since I realized my fears I am completely excited and can't wait to meet my baby. Do some soul searching, figure out WHY you wer hoping for another gender, I am sure that would help at least some.

leahaustin · May 2013

I definitely understand 'wanting' one gender over another. It is nothing you want to feel you just do....

It will go away before your LO is born so don't beat yourself up over it.

morethancottoncandy · May 2013

PrimRoseMama:
A couple of things:

You mean "raise hackles". Hackles are the hairs on the back of a neck of animals when they are upset. Heckles are jeers and jests in your general direction. Though you might get some of those too. LOL.

No one has said that feeling a moment or two of fleeting disappointment is wrong or invalid. Simply that tearing your hair, ripping your clothes and being a morose basketcase for weeks on end about it is extreme. Being seriously depressed about your kids genitalia is nuts to me. I'm allowed to have my valid and real opinion too. I think its dumb to get so fixated on it.

So, you are sad, ok. I'm sorry you are disappointed, but I don't understand where you are coming from and that doesn't mean I have to. It just means that you can't tell people how to feel anymore than we can tell you how to feel. Its a two way street.

We are, however, allowed to roll our eyes at it and think its dumb. Live and let live you know.

This.

I always give these types of posts a massive eyeroll. I can understand a brief moment of disappointment. I just don't get those who claim they are sad days later, especially knowing when you get pregnant that there is a 50/50 chance you aren't going to get what you are wishing for.

palm513 · May 2013

I am a little worried that I might experience some disappointment when I find out on Wednesday what I am having. I have two boys already and would really like to have a little girl. I have always wanted to dress up a little girl and do the whole ribbons and bows thing. We have names picked out for both genders and it wouldn't be terrible to have three boys me and DH just really want a girl and this is going to be our last. I am supper excited and know that I will love the baby no matter what. I just really want a girl, but at the same time I would fall in love with my son the moment they tell me it is a boy just watching him on the screen and getting to see him move around... and hearing his heart beat.

Baxterman · May 2013

I felt the exact same way! I had it in my head that I was having a girl. There was absolutely no logical explanation for it but I just "knew" and I bonded with my baby for the first 15 weeks picturing a "her"! So, at 16 weeks when we found out that my little girl was in fact a little boy it was incredibly hard. And I felt super guilty about how I felt which only made it worse. What helped me was to read about about raising little boys and shopping for him too. It took me about a week to readjust and now I cant imagine having anything else! I am so excited for him and thrilled that this is what was given to me. You will feel better! Just start doing things very gender specific like buying little boy or little girl clothing and look online for some good literature. The hormones that your body is dosing you with is probably not helping with your coping mechanisms either. I know it didn't help me! But you will get there and like me, you will end up relieved at the outcome because now I am certain I was meant to have this little boy!

Side note- absolutely nobody has the right to make you feel badly about how you are feeling or what you are going through. Feelings like these are ones that may not be entirely in our control and what matters most is that you are getting your feelings out so that you can deal with them appropriately and bond with your little boy or girl! So good for you for saying something

vintageutopia · May 2013

No flames from me.

You are aware that you are disappointed, but also that you love and want this child no matter what. The disappointment will pass. Despite what people say, it is okay to feel disappointment and it is a valid emotion.

melis9279 · May 2013

We found out the sex a few weeks ago and I had similar feelings at first. Not at all disappointed with the healthy baby I was carrying but, like you said, a sadness for the loss of what I had imagined. I can also tell you that those feelings have since passed. Regardless of whether there's a term for it I do think its normal. We're only human and like it or not sometimes we have feelings or thoughts that we know are wrong. It's how you cope with it that matters.

There was another post on this subject a week or so ago. I didn't post to that thread but I did read through it. Overall people seemed very supportive and understanding. Of course there are always a few who need to get their two cents in despite the fact that it won't help the situation and will likley only make someone feel worse than they already do. Don't let them get to you.

BlueJewelM · May 2013

Oh Jesus who cares.

Doesn't anyone get bored saying the same sh!t over and over?

shakes · May 2013

tab1979:
PrimRoseMama:
MrsMuq:
526SadieSadie:
I don't think there's a problem with saying, "I'm having a -- and I wanted a --" the problem comes when you can't shake it off and embrace the reality that a healthy baby is more important than the sex organs the baby has.

The women who terminate their pregnancies when they find out the sex isn't the one they wanted are the ones who have a problem and deserve flaming.
People do this?! I thought we lived in the US - not China or Iran.
I don't know if women in the country where I live do this (speaking of the US). I don't know anyone personally who has terminated because of the sex of the baby. I can't imagine doing that. I am all for choice (I truly am) but I have a hard time with that choice. It just breaks my heart when it happens at all, anywhere.
Yes, in Canada - at least in major cities - they may not tell you the sex of the baby in case people decide to terminate. I don't know all the details of how it works. I'm caucasian, and I was told. I have some asian friends who had to wait and find out through their doctor, and my family doctor, who is from India, had to wait until she gave birth.
They discovered that people who found out they were having girls were aborting, and they were travelling to the US to have it done.

WTF are you talking about?! First of all late term abortions are legal in Canada NOT the states. Second, never in my life have I heard of a Dr not telling people of a certain background the sex of their child based on racial and cultural assumptions. You're so misinformed it hurts.

rmcgibbon · May 2013

Well, from reading this post alone, gender disappointment seems to happen a lot more than people might think.

My thing is that I am terrified of having a boy because of the relationship my mom has with my brother. He is an ungrateful, selfish man who lives with my parents and says terrible things to her quite often (he's 25). She's been nothing but a wonderful mother to both of us, and I know this weighs really heavily on her heart. My mother and I have an amazing relationship, and with the exception of a few years of acting out on my part as a teenager, we always have. So I will love my little boy to the moon and back if that's what we're having, but I'm just so scared of my son resenting me later on. She beats herself up constantly thinking she did a terrible job as a mother, it's really sad.

BUT! I keep telling myself that their relationship has nothing to do with the relationship I will have with my child so I will love my child and do the best job I possibly can as a parent.

Hopefully the disappointment goes away as you continue developing the bond with your baby. But take comfort in the fact that you aren't alone in your thoughts Big Smile . Just try not to let them overwhelm you.

Phalaenopsis · May 2013

olga1311:
OP - just wanted to say I understand how you feel. I am FTM, and for the last 20 weeks, reading the posts about gender disappointment I was right in the camp of as long as its healthy baby who the heck cares if its a boy or a girl". However, I went to find out the sex on Friday and found out this was not the boy I was hoping for. And yes I was disappointed. What helped me was to do some serious soul searching and understand WHY I was so fixated on a certain gender. By the end of it (maybe a day) I realized that the main reason I was so fixating on a boy was that I was plain and simple scared of parenting a female and also there is a pressure from ILs as they have a tradition with firstborn son of a firstborn son carrying a certain first name (my husband is the 8th ) so I didn't want to be the one to break the tradition. The hormones, the teenage years, the way teenage girls are protrayed in the media as bratty and dramatic, all helped shape this picture in my head that I just wouldn't even begin to know what to do with all that. So my disappointment wasn't in the actual baby per se, it was coming to grips with my own internal fears of parenting and my own demons. Once I realized it, I was able to look at it objectively and deal with these feeling which were the core of why I was feeling the way I was. This baby was loved and wanted every second since I found its a girl. Since I realized my fears I am completely excited and can't wait to meet my baby.Do some soul searching, figure out WHY you wer hoping for another gender, I am sure that would help at least some.

This is very useful, constructive advice for those of us going through this, thank you.

Liz4444 · May 2013

tab1979 · May 2013

"WTF are you talking about?! First of all late term abortions are legal in Canada NOT the states. Second, never in my life have I heard of a Dr not telling people of a certain background the sex of their child based on racial and cultural assumptions. You're so misinformed it hurts."

The quotes option isn't working...

I'm sorry you feel I'm misinformed. This is happening - in some places - whether you have heard of it or not.

mill1020 · May 2013

caramia582:
All I'll say about this is I think shaming and berating people for their feelings is a lot more flameworthy than the feelings themselves.

Totally agree!

elvbri · May 2013

I know you posted on here to get it off your chest and I commend you because I think that is the initial idea of the forums. If people don't agree then they don't need to respond. I am a FTM and team green. I would love to have a girl no granddaughters on my side of the family. I have asked and the consensus is that mothers and fathers tend to grieve if they find out prior to delivery and from all my questions to finds and family it is most definitely not just the women who grieve. My dr even told me that she grieved when she found out the gender of her 2nd because she was hoping her DD would have a sister, turned out to be a boy. So yes, this does seem to be a common emotion.

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