When to try again

AandStilltrying · April 2013

Hello ladies. My partner and did our first round of IUI in Feb. We lost our babies (doc. said it was probably twins) around 8 weeks. Our HCG wasn't doubling properly so the doctor did a D&C and also fixed the Uterine Septum he found at that time. 2 weeks later....still prego!!! And HCG going WAY up. D&C came back and said NO pregnancy tissue. RE opted to give the Methodex. shot. Numbers started to fall slowly, but not fast enough. Eventually miscarried on her own and played the waiting game for HCG to return to normal.

She finished her first full period AFTER the miscarriage was complete and is starting her second one in a week. She is more than ready to try again. Everybody around us keeps saying "are you sure you're ready to try again this soon?" I am now starting to realize how very much I am not over the first loss....but my partner is and wants to try again right now.

So my questions are...do you think she is jumping the gun? Should she wait?

How do I bring this up without hurting her? Am I not being supportive by not being ready now when she is the one who has went through so much. I feel as though its all affecting me more than it is her.

I have PCOS and am trying to get it under control or I would be the one trying now.

2MamazInSeattle · April 2013

First, I'm so sorry for your loss and a complicated one at that

So, I think the best way to bring this up to her (and imho you should) is to just tell her how you are feeling. Not that you are trying to control her decisions, or her body, etc. but that you are still very sad, scared and that you don't feel ready yet. She may feel similar things, or not - but if J was not ready and didn't tell me I'd be more hurt than if she slowed us down a month or two.

You've been through a very hard thing, and it affects each person in a couple differently - and it's normal not to be at the same level or stage of grief.

Tell her how you are feeling. Think about what might be better for you (waiting a month? two? no timeline?) and ways she might be able to help you as likely she will want to help you. Maybe she can't help - but maybe there are ways she can help you as a method of still feeling like you are moving forward.

Just some ideas. Again, so sorry for your loss and I hope when you do talk with her that it goes well and you two can devise a plan that works for you as a couple.

p.s. I tend to be the fast-mover in my relationship, and honestly, I love when J slows me down a little - often I didn't realize I needed to, and she shows me a different perspective.

healz413 · April 2013

I'm really sorry for everything you and your partner have gone through. I can't imagine how horrible it has been.

I can't speak from experience on this one. But I will echo what 2Mamaz said in terms of the importance of sharing with your partner what you're feeling.

MaryanneN · April 2013

I am sorry for what your loss.

I agree with what has been said.
I think that being honest about your feelings even if they may hurt your partner is the best way to keep a relationship strong. Telling her how you feel will only help you both deal with all that has happened.

I wish you the best.

mollykelley · May 2013

I'm very sorry for your loss. It is such a difficult thing and it can continue to affect you for a while afterwards. For me, it brought our relationship closer in a way I never could have imagined. We have loved and supported each other through a lot over the last ten plus years, but this was the first time that we shared a loss equally. I was carrying and I was moved by how devastated K was as well.

She was the one who was ready right away, but we did wait two months as per doctor's recommendation. I think she thought getting pregnant would replace the feeling of loss. I felt that the baby I had carried to 8 weeks was my first and nothing could replace that. In the end, I think I wasn't ready because my body would not cooperate. I was no longer ovulating on my own, and I needed more medical intervention than I would have preferred. I think I lost some trust and faith in my body.

Even now, at almost 10 weeks, I'm terrified of loss. I share these feelings with my wife and she listens lovingly even though she is sure this is our take home baby.

Take good care of yourself and your partner. I agree with PPs that it is best to share your feelings, and let her share hers too. She may be anxious to get pregnant and put this behind her.

All the best to you, and again I'm sorry you had to go through this.

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