Struggling.

JayandEmm · April 2013

I'm still struggling with following my heart, and letting ds lead the way. I get jealous when I hear of babies that are months younger than ds, putting themselves to sleep in their crib, and sleeping all night without a peep, parents having free time when baby is napping or asleep for the night, etc. Of course, everyone that says this, did CIO. And I just can't bring myself to do that, especially with his temperament.

How do you keep these thoughts out of your head, and remind yourself that you're doing the right thing by following your child's lead?

emilykathleen511 · April 2013

This probably doesn't help with your jealousy issue, but I just wanted to point out that every baby is different and it is quite the statement to say that only babies who have had to CIO sleep all night without a peep. Mine has been doing that for a few weeks now, and did it completely on his own without any crying. Granted he is not in his own room, he is in a bassinet in our room. But he goes down before me or DH goes to bed and sleeps approx. 8 hours.

During the day though, he won't nap without me nearby. He has to sleep on me or in his bouncy. And in the bouncy he will wake up if I go too long without bouncing it. So yeah, day times do get long! But I would say to just remember how short of a time they are this little in the grand scheme of things, and that ultimately you are doing what is best for your LO. He will grow to be very secure in his relationships throughout his life, and that will be thanks to the secure attachment he has formed/ continues to form now with you! Keep up the wonderful work mama!

rae_dylanzmom · April 2013

NCSS is a good read for examining your emotions about your child's sleep. This is what I particularly like about her writing. You may also read a few suggestions about how to help your situation.

TiffanyBerry · April 2013

I suppose I feel a little muddled in my reaction. What I end up reading is "How do you not be jealous of what your friends have and be confident in your choice on how to parent differently than they do?" And... well... because jealousy is a pretty useless emotion (for any extended period of time) and because you aren't your friends and your child isn't anyone else's child. You can't have exactly what they have, and nor can they have exactly what you have - by definition.

Comparing to other people is just so incredibly useless, and pretty much just makes us miserable. Sure, it's nice to have other people's experience as potential data points, but that doesn't mean that we can have that exact experience either.

Finding your own, internal, best answer is the only thing that you can reasonably do. Yeah, it's hard! It takes practice, and it takes confidence in yourself. And it takes being willing to be happy to have what you have (good and bad and all) rather than constantly longing for what someone else has.

(I don't know if I was clear on that... I apparently need to go to bed, because I doubt it's as clear as I'd like and sounds a little crazy, and I'll blame the sleep deprivation from my (nearly) three year old who still doesn't sleep through the night. But it works for me.)

JayandEmm · April 2013

emilykathleen511:
This probably doesn't help with your jealousy issue, but I just wanted to point out that every baby is different and it is quite the statement to say that only babies who have had to CIO sleep all night without a peep. Mine has been doing that for a few weeks now, and did it completely on his own without any crying. Granted he is not in his own room, he is in a bassinet in our room. But he goes down before me or DH goes to bed and sleeps approx. 8 hours.During the day though, he won't nap without me nearby. He has to sleep on me or in his bouncy. And in the bouncy he will wake up if I go too long without bouncing it. So yeah, day times do get long! But I would say to just remember how short of a time they are this little in the grand scheme of things, and that ultimately you are doing what is best for your LO. He will grow to be very secure in his relationships throughout his life, and that will be thanks to the secure attachment he has formed/ continues to form now with you! Keep up the wonderful work mama!

When ds was a newborn he'd sleep by himself and for solid amount of time, but as he got older, his sleep changed dramatically. The babies I'm talking about are over 5 months, and they were all sleep trained.

JayandEmm · April 2013

kbruington:
Are these people who did CIO people you know or is that a general statement about CIO babies? I have a good sleeper and there were some tears involved getting to that point but I never just left him to cry alone. There are definitelynbsp;some misconceptions about different levels of crying while helping your baby learn to sleep better.I think it all comes down to a parent's breaking point no matter what type of parenting style you are trying to follow. I hear that from a lot of parents, in my real life and in TB world. Bottom line: do what you are comfortable with and know that most people who brag about their children's sleep habits are probably exaggerating.

I wish there were different levels of crying with him. It's all or nothing! He doesn't just protest, he works himself up to a sweating/hyperventilating mess.

And I'm talking about people I know who did CIO.

MagsMayMommy · April 2013

fredalina:
One thing I continue to learn is we have to parent the child we have, not the one we wish we had. Some days I wish... Lol

Well said, Fredalina!

OP, I too have a high needs kind of child and what really helps me is to think about how very important these early days are... I know more than a few people who didn't get the early nurturing they needed ( I'm talking abuse/neglect, not CIO per say), and as 20-and-30 somethings they are still really struggling with neediness akin to that of young children (clinging to anyone they think might show them the physical and emotional affection they long for, often with dire consequences). The more my LO is nurtured now the better. I try to think that there's plenty of time for independence and sleeping later on. Stick in there!

JayandEmm · April 2013

fredalina:
I promise it will pass. It will. It may not be as fast as you like, and if your needs aren't being met then you need to examine other ways to make that happen, arrange for a grandparent to watch the baby for a night, get a hotel room for a weekend and trade off with DH, and I know all of this may not be possible depending on breast feeding and family dynamics, but you can do some brainstorming to figure out how to get your needs met as well as LO's.

My child has a "difficult" temperament. But she's very determined so there are some things she accomplished at an earlier than typical age, probably as a result of her temperament and specifically determination. I remember when she was a little over a year, I was on a subgroup of her daycare/preschool, and we met at a restaurant occasionally. One lady had a baby about 6 weeks older who was SO GOOD at the restaurant. While mine was tossing food and fussing and being a difficult one year old and basically not allowing me to participate in any way, shape, or form, hers sat quietly in a high chair and when her mom nursed her, she got happy and sat quietly in the high chair another half hour. I now realize how ridiculously inappropriate it was of me to expect LO to sit quietly anyway lol, but that's beside the point. But I realized after a few weeks that the look the other mom was giving my LO was more akin to jealousy than disdain. I mean, not REALLY jealousy, but her LO wasn't walking or talking yet and sat quietly while mine was exploring and problem solving. She later mentioned she was considering calling EI. I saw her looking at LO and got insecure about it, but really she was feeling insecure about her LO's development. I realize now it's all in the eye of the beholder. Your friends may be looking at your LO with something like jealousy too.

One thing I continue to learn is we have to parent the child we have, not the one we wish we had. Some days I wish... Lol

Thanks for this. Ds is also a very intense determined baby. Once he starts something, he doesn't give up. I know one day his determination is really going to pay off!

DH is a huge help. When I need a break DH can do just as much as I can [except feedings; he doesn't take bottles] and ds doesn't protest. I do wish we had couple time though. Not many people are willing to watch ds, because he screams the entire time we're gone.

emilykathleen511 · April 2013

JayandEmm:
emilykathleen511:
This probably doesn't help with your jealousy issue, but I just wanted to point out that every baby is different and it is quite the statement to say that only babies who have had to CIO sleep all night without a peep. Mine has been doing that for a few weeks now, and did it completely on his own without any crying. Granted he is not in his own room, he is in a bassinet in our room. But he goes down before me or DH goes to bed and sleeps approx. 8 hours.During the day though, he won't nap without me nearby. He has to sleep on me or in his bouncy. And in the bouncy he will wake up if I go too long without bouncing it. So yeah, day times do get long! But I would say to just remember how short of a time they are this little in the grand scheme of things, and that ultimately you are doing what is best for your LO. He will grow to be very secure in his relationships throughout his life, and that will be thanks to the secure attachment he has formed/ continues to form now with you! Keep up the wonderful work mama!
When ds was a newborn he'd sleep by himself and for solid amount of time, but as he got older, his sleep changed dramatically. The babies I'm talking about are over 5 months, and they were all sleep trained.

My point is that it's never a good strategy to put babies or anybody in boxes. I'm sure you know that every baby in the world who STTN did not CIO. And even the ones you know who did, you don't know what other ways that affected them. That's why I point out a possible positive to you not using CIO. But ultimately if what you're doing now isn't working for your family, you have to change something.

ETA: You also used the words "follow your heart" to describe your current parenting, which is why I offered encouragement versus suggesting you change something. But if you need to change something, that is nothing to feel guilty about.

kcisthebombdotcom · April 2013

JayandEmm:
emilykathleen511:
This probably doesn't help with your jealousy issue, but I just wanted to point out that every baby is different and it is quite the statement to say that only babies who have had to CIO sleep all night without a peep. Mine has been doing that for a few weeks now, and did it completely on his own without any crying. Granted he is not in his own room, he is in a bassinet in our room. But he goes down before me or DH goes to bed and sleeps approx. 8 hours.During the day though, he won't nap without me nearby. He has to sleep on me or in his bouncy. And in the bouncy he will wake up if I go too long without bouncing it. So yeah, day times do get long! But I would say to just remember how short of a time they are this little in the grand scheme of things, and that ultimately you are doing what is best for your LO. He will grow to be very secure in his relationships throughout his life, and that will be thanks to the secure attachment he has formed/ continues to form now with you! Keep up the wonderful work mama!
When ds was a newborn he'd sleep by himself and for solid amount of time, but as he got older, his sleep changed dramatically. The babies I'm talking about are over 5 months, and they were all sleep trained.

a friend of mine did CIO at 6 months and it worked...for a little while. She have to keep retraining and her child who is the same age as my son doesn't sleep nearly as good as he does.

their child's good sleep might not last forever and your child's sleep will likely improve with age without intervention. Hang in there.

Lane05 · April 2013

We have an all or nothing crier as well. I keep reminding myself that sleep is developmental. He will sleep longer and better when he is ready and I can't do much about it. Until then I keep bedtime routines the same and try to make sleep a non-scary/lonely/sad place. Like the PP said if you do CIO you will likely have to "re-train." anyway as he develops. Do you have a smart phone, ipad etc. I find that when I'm "stuck" with him earlier than I would prefer at night reading helps it feel like it's my time as well. I love the kindle app.

KMEss86 · April 2013

I think it is important to surround yourself with people who parent similar to you. Once I made a few friends who had the same basic beliefs (AP) as mine, I was able to be much more confident in my choices, and also commiserating about no sleep, etc helps!

My sister's son is 8 months younger than mine. Mine is over 2 and still doesn't slee through the night most nights, and cannot put himself to sleep. A while back, she did CIO, and from hearing about her struggles with it (her own internal struggles, and the more obvious difficulties of it), and also actually hearing him screaming over the phone, I was able to justify again my own choice not to do it. Personally, I would rather know that I am giving my son everything he needs physically and emotionally than have 8 solid hours of sleep and free evenings.

laurakaz13 · April 2013

Just lurking. I'm not really an AP follower. I don't prescribe to a lot of the things you all do, except breastfeeding. I just follow my LO's lead and do what feels natural. (Of course that's what I thought AP was in the first place, but I definitely don't fit in here.)

Well, never did CIO. Never let my LO cry more than 2 minutes. She has STTN since 4 months old. She started at 8+ hours a night then and since 6 months has slept 12+ hours straight per night. No sleep training whatsoever.

I do think some parents inhibit their child's ability to sleep well, but I don't think everyone who has a 1-2 year who sleeps through the night sleep trains.

Struggling.

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