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Stay at Home Moms
mjb14
member
Bullies in Kindergarten
mjb14
member
My daughter is 6 and in kindergarten. There is a girl who is in her class and rides the same bus that has told my daughter rude comments throughout the year. Some examples are "I hate you" and "I don't want to be your friend". I spoke to the teacher about it back in the fall. The teacher said that this girl had some behavior issues and has been rude to other students as well. After this my daughter asked the other girl to make new friends since she was not nice. The other girl said she was scared to make new friends.
Last night they were both at a birthday party. When the birthday girl opened the present from my daughter, the bully said "Charlotte (my daughter), you wrapped one of your old toys to give to 'the birthday girl'. This was obviously not true- we got the gift from amazon and it is a toy my daughter doesn't have. This really bothered me.
This whole situation is bizarre to me and I hope it is not common place. My gut is telling me to call her mother, but I have no idea what I would say or if that would be productive. How would you handle this situation?
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Re: Bullies in Kindergarten
Kids will be kids. Some are nice and some are not. This lesson starts young. Honestly this does not sound like bullying. I am so done with that word being used to describe behavior. It is the new buzz word.
Sure you can call her mom, but I think it is kind of silly. Are you going to call every kids mom who is mean to your little darling? Or are you going to give your child the tools and power to handle this in the future. I think the second choice is better and will benefit her in the long run.
DD had an issue with a little girl at the beginning of the year forming a club and not letting her be a part of it with mean comments and all. W talked about it, role played her response and she took care of it. I was proud of her and she learned not be to a victim.
This is a great learning experience. Teach her to stand up fr herself. You can't fight every battle for her.
Something about your post makes me feel really sorry for this child. She is having behavior problems in school and is scared to make friends. I don't know what's going on, but it sounds like this child is having kind of a rough time.
I tell my kids that sometimes other kids are mean because they are sad inside, and the best thing they can do is to be as nice as possible.
It may be worth calling her mom and letting you know that you are worried and ask if there is anything you can do to help her out.
ETA: I think talking to the teacher, as you said you did, is a better alternative to talking to the mom. The teacher sees more of the girl than you do and she can talk to the mom from a position of authority and caring if she thinks there is a problem. Whereas from a classmate's mom, it wouldn't carry the same weight and would seem either defensive or hostile.
To the PP's could you give some suggestions on what she could tell her daughter. Or suggest a role play situation that she could share with her daughter? When you are someone who is being "bullied" it may be hard to know what to say to that other person.
I wouldn't call the mom. What on earth would you say? She probably either doesn't care or see it as a problem, or she's aware of it and does care, and it trying to work on it.
This isn't the first time your daughter will run into this. I agree with others who are telling you to role-play appropriate responses.
DS2 - Oct 2010 (my VBAC baby!)
No wonder we have so many kids playing the victim these days. It is their parents not the bullies that put them in this position.
As others have said, this is not bullying. The overuse of the term "bully" is something that really annoys me. Sure the other girl is being a big brat, definitely not a bully.
I wouldn't call the parents, I don't think that would accomplish much. I would talk to your daughter to teach her how to deal with the situation. The truth is, your daughter is likely going to have to deal with bratty kids like this for many years, it would be great to teach her early how to handle the situation.
I agree that this doesn't really sound like bullying, more just like a kid being mean. It also sounds fairly typical for kindergarten meanness, at least in my experience. My kindergarten daughter has been the target all year of one girl's meanness. I've never called the mom. I agree with Hizzo, either she knows and doesn't care/do anything, or she knows and is working on it. Either way, not much to be gained by calling. The teacher obviously knows, too, and I am sure is working with the entire class on inclusion and kind words.
This type of stuff just happens in school. It's life. My daughter and I have spent a lot of time talking about what qualities we like in our friends, and which kids make her feel happy and safe to spend time with. In the beginning of the year, this little girl's meanness really bothered DD, but now she let's it roll off her back and makes a different choice of who to hang out with. She'll need those skills and confidence for her whole life--the world is full of jerks.
I'm curious about something. What constitutes bullying? I think the term bullying is definitely overused, but I'm wondering what the "rules" are about what is and is not bullying.
all this. I saw this alot with the kids i taught, starting with preschool all the way up to elementary (and quite possibly farther).
You are going to have to teach your daughter how to be confident enough in herself that other people's rude comments do not upset her. You can not be there and fight every battle and the younger she learns to stand up for herself the better she will be.
No wonder we have so many kids playing the victim these days. It is their parents not the bullies that put them in this position.
I agree! While there are horrible bullies out there, there are also ridiculous parents coddling their kids. Kids need to learn at an early age how to address situations like this themselves without us always getting involved.
I'm sure when my son is old enough I will HATE seeing anyone being mean to him, but I'm doing him a disservice if I step in at every little problem.
Obviously if its a big issue, step in!
If it was my DD I would call the other girls mom talk to her about the situation and see if they might want to try a playdate. If at the playdate she is still being mean and her parent doesnt step in to help her out I'd talk to my DD about how it's not ok how she is talking to her and if she doesn't want to be friends with her that is ok etc.
It's like what a couple of other people said, maybe she is just sad so I think the playdate would be a good thing. Also, I agree it's more of a brat then a bully.
I agree with AG. Teaching your DD how to handle this situation is the best option.
DS has had an issue with a child in his class this year. He has called DS all kinds of names, said tons of mean things to him, and even hit him once leaving a handprint on DS's cheek. DS is a very sensitive kid and it really bothered him at first. We role played and talked about how to handle a situation like this and he took care of it. It has gotten much better in the last couple months and I am so proud of DS for standing up for himself. Of course when he hit DS the teacher stepped in and took care of it.
Thanks for the feedback. All of it has been helpful. I will have to take it all into consideration.
I agree that bullying may have been a poor choice of words.
I think it bothered me the most last night because I thought this had stopped. My daughter had not mentioned it in several months, but I found out last night that it was still going on. Also, I think it is the teacher's role to handle this behavior at school whereas it is my (and husband's) role to do so outside of the school environment.
Anyway, this was very helpful...especially the part about role playing the responses.
I'm not entirely sure this is necessarily a bully issue, as well. I would definitely hold off on calling her mother, at least for now.
Honestly, girls at this age can be really mean and bratty, but that doesn't always make them a bully. There are several in my DD's class, most of them with behavior issues. If this girl has behavior issues, then I'm willing to bet her Mother is already aware of her behavior.
I think you should first help your DD with standing up for herself. Ask your DD how it makes her feel when this girl says those things to her. She has the right to tell this girl if she doesn't like the things she is saying to her. Honestly though, if this girl is telling her she doesn't want to be her friend, well maybe that's a good thing. This sort of thing happened to my DD in Kindergarten as well. A girl in her class with behavior problems (calling other kids stupid, moron, etc. ) told my DD she didn't want to play with her or be her friend. I asked my DD if she really wanted to be friends with someone who treats other people that way - to which she replied no. So the next time this girl said something like that to my DD, she told her "that's fine" and walked away. In life, we can't be friends with everyone, and not everyone will want to be friends with us, or even like us. I think it would probably benefit your DD to try to avoid this girl, and if the girl says something to her, to work on helpful and productive things your DD can say back to her. The biggest thing is for her to know that it's ok to tell someone you don't like what they are saying to you.
Yeah that is NEVER suppose to happen! I always had parents ask about other kids and I always said I can not give you that information just like you wouldn't want me to give information on your child out. That always shut them up and ended the conversation.