Officially done with OE treatments (sorry, long)

brooklynesque · March 2013

As I've mentioned here before, we're now set up for a DE cycle in June. I was going to try natural IVF at the suggestion of a new RE in April (i.e., this cycle ... I'm on CD1), but the donor cycle was lined up more quickly than anticipated, and the donor can only cycle in June, not later in the summer. So I'm pretty sure that means this is the last cycle I can TTC before going on meds of one kind or another for the donor cycle.

I emailed with the new RE today and he confirmed what I had suspected -- that it doesn't really make sense to try just one natural IVF cycle. I think you need to make time for several to have a decent chance of success. He confirmed that in light of my plans it made sense to skip the natural cycle and move on to DE. I thanked him for his honesty. So, barring unforeseen circumstances, and except for trying the old-fashioned way this month ... I am done. I'm officially giving up on my OE.

I feel sad and heavy-hearted about this -- I almost feel physically heavy, in fact, like my limbs are made of lead -- and writing it out this way is bringing the tears back. But I also feel kind of peaceful. I didn't think I'd ever get here, but after 3 totally awful IVFs (and 6 other treatment cycles), and not a single, even short-lived BFP, or even a decent-looking embryo, it's time for me to move on.

Not being able to have my own genetic children is the greatest disappointment of my life so far. So obviously I've been pretty lucky. Things have usually worked out for me. But somewhere, deep down, I've known for a long time -- maybe even before I started -- that this is the thing that wouldn't work out for me. I almost feel like I've been play-acting, even letting myself hope that all of these OE treatments will work.

But I also have the intuition that DE is different, and it already feels more real to me. Suddenly it's almost like I can feel my future children waiting for me, and I've never felt that way before. I know this sounds hokey and strange, and it doesn't mean that this particular donor and cycle will work out, but something's changed. I told my husband recently that I want our extra bedroom cleared out, empty, not collecting extra furniture and piles of books. We've packed up the detritus, and the movers are coming tomorrow to take things out. I'm going to buy a nice soft rug. I'm not buying baby furniture but there will be room there now, and I think there will be a baby there soon.

lincoln79 · March 2013

none of that sounds hokey at all.

i know that you are grieving for what you could not accomplish with your own eggs, and that is completely normal.

prayers for peace for you and yh as you look toward the cycle in June.

(((huge hugs)))

megs3084 · March 2013

Not hokey at all. I have a yellow room I refuse to let dh put junk in. Good luck with your de cycle!

DoublePortion · March 2013

Huge ((hugs))! Many T&P that DE brings you success. I think it's good for you to physically clear out and create the space for a LO so that on days when you're not feeling quite as hopeful you can see that space and remind yourself of how you feel

rockpaperlove · March 2013

The women on this board never stop amazing me. The strength and courage and grace through the darkest infertility days are to be commended. I think your story is beautiful...the feeling in your heart that has drawn you to this place and the ro

Lacyj67 · March 2013

Good luck on moving forward and I hope the best for you! I can't imagine how hard it must be to let go and stop with your OE and I can't imagine how it feels considering I have been told to move on to DE by my RE. But I know that there comes a time when w

liz4paws · March 2013

I can relate to what you're saying and it doesn't seem hokey at all to me. We had to go through a grieving period when we realized we wouldn't be having genetic children. I always figured my kids would have red hair, and to bury that red-haired child emot

Mrs.McIrish · March 2013

As someone who came to terms with letting go of a bio child, I can tell you that My only regret is that I didn't move on to DE sooner. At the end of the day, a DE baby is better than no baby. If you are lucky enough to afford DE and for DE to work, I trul

violetmarie61516 · March 2013

I don't think any of that sounds hokey. I think we all deal with things in different ways and this is your way to move forward. I think you have a great attitude and sound like you are ready for DE.

Scoop77 · March 2013

There are mixed blessings that come with arriving at a decision point, and obviously you have both some joy and pain right now.

I'm happy that you have a plan, and that the plan comes with renewed hope. But it's also heart-wrenching to watch the

Sophistikitty · March 2013

Mrs.McIrish:
As someone who came to terms with letting go of a bio child, I can tell you that My only regret is that I didn't

XV11Star · March 2013

I love that post... so much hope and positive emotion. I feel like I've 'known' you for a long time, and thinking of you with a baby comes easily. :-)

Officially done with OE treatments (sorry, long)

Re: Officially done with OE treatments (sorry, long)

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