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March 2013 Moms
sarahbethski04
member
In laws, tdap, and boundaries.
sarahbethski04
member
So a few months ago my two faced MIL sends me an email telling me she ordered tDaps for her, FIL, and BIL. This was not prompted by me. My husband had been very firm about demanding everyone get one so when she sent the email it was great. So fast forward to about 2 weeks ago I decided to have a conversation with my ILs going over the hospital policies with them. I told them I appreciated them getting vaccinated and that the hospital was still on strict lockdown due to the flu so if anyone was exhibiting any signs of illness the hospital would not let them visit. My hospital also only allows 2 visitors at a time, and if you are anything other than a grandparent, partner, or spouse then you can only visit between 1 and 8. Mind you this is all the time not just flu related. I then explained that for the first 2 weeks after birth that we just wanted limited visitors because we wanted to adjust to life as a new family. This included us not having a big Easter celebration with either side of the family depending on when the baby is born. My moms family has about 25 people at every celebration and putting the baby through all the hugs, kisses, pokes and prods just seemed a little much this year so to be fair to both sides of the family it's easier just to not celebrate with either side. MIL said she understood and it seemed to be fine. Well apparently it was not fine with her and she's been running around talking crap about me to everyone about how they have to be in a bubble to visit me. She's called aunts, uncles, grandparents, my BILs girlfriend all to discuss how unreasonable I'm being. I just feel really ganged up on. I just wish my MIL had spoken her displeasure then instead of acting fake nice to my face. My husband doesn't like confrontation and has been quiet about the whole thing. It is just hard for me to act like nothing has been happening now that I know she has been trashing me. Unreasonable or not I thought that as the mother I had the right to choose what goes on with my child. Ugh in laws! Anyway rant over. Sorry this is one long paragraph, I'm on mobile.
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Re: In laws, tdap, and boundaries.
I can understand being mad about people talking behind your back, because that is one of my biggest "no-nos", if you have something to say about me, you better say it to me. My husband's grandma apparently didn't get the memo last week and I have been holding back the fury of a thousand suns.
I can also understand about not wanting anyone who is potentially sick to be near my newborn. I feel the same way. Though, if someone wanted to get vaccinated or not, I wouldn't make them. As long as they aren't showing signs of illness and have washed their hands, I would let them see my little guy. If they have been around someone who was sick, I would just ask they wash their hands and put on a face mask, a lot less invasive than being injected. If they were flat out sick, I would ask them wait until they got better and once they got better, perhaps wait a few days afterwards to come and see him.
But yeah, she should know that some people do not like a lot of people around at first. The whole new baby, just had one of the most painful adventures, hormones adjusting, lifestyle adjusting, etc... is a bit much at first, some people do not want to deal with entertaining too. I think nobody should expect a new mother (even a second timer, or third timer, etc.) to have to entertain.
My parents complain behind my back about things too. My sister told me my dad was talking really bad about me the other day that I missed his weekend long party for his birthday. Umm I'm on bed rest? I cant just hit up the casino and go party?
You have a right to be angry/annoyed. I hate when people trash you behind your back but then are all too sweet to your face. Be real!
Also, your family should be 1 million percent supportive of your 2-week limited visitor rule - hello, you'll barely be sleeping getting into a rhythm of feeding with your newborn AND you'll be healing from giving birth. My family and in-laws all know they should not be coming over for the first few weeks and after that if anyone walks in my house and sniffles or coughs they're turning right around and going home. I'm allowed to be psycho as a FTM I figure.
Good luck - don't let this mess stress you. You're about to have a wonderful bundle of joy!
I hate to say it, but this is potentially a preview of Things to Come. If you can manage it, you and your husband (his mom so he has to be a part of it) need to talk to her.
"We're sorry you seem to have a problem with our post-baby plans but we have decided, together, to do what it takes to keep germ exposure to a minimum in the early months. We hope that in the future you can discuss your displeasure with us--and not bring other people into it. Clearly, they did not hold your confidence. When you come straight to us we will all be better able to understand each other's feelings."
It can be tough to be straight-forward with MIL, but the sooner you put your foot down the better. Once she realizes that her b!tching got out, she will probably keep it to herself!
I'd be tempted to let her know, all smiles, that she is now not allowed at the hospital OR my home for the first month, and that next time she can voice her disagreement with me instead of the whole town.
I'd be tempted, but I would probably just let SO deal with his family. Put on your big boy boxers and voice your feelings, be a man!